The Most Dangerous Man in America

This is long overdue, but I think I’ll use this requested post on the “most dangerous man in America” to launch a three post arc on politics. I’d call it a trilogy but I don’t want to risk Star Wars or Lord of the Rings geeks picking up on this on some google search. Today, we’ll consider why Barack Obama has been called the most dangerous man in America. Next, I’ll explain to you why Congress is utterly incapable of passing laws that will actually have a positive effect. I’ll then conclude before the election with my thoughts on the candidates for President and Vice-President.

But for now, let’s ponder why have some called Obama the most dangerous man in America.

I don’t know.

I guess its because the Chosen One/Empty Vessel says he’ll personally negotiate with foreign leaders who’ve sworn to annihilate Israel, and who use their nation’s resources to fight Western values like democracy and human rights. Good call. Neville Chamberlain and France think that’s a great idea. No wonder Iran’s President Ahmadinejad has endorsed Obama for President.

But to say Obama is the most dangerous man in America requires us to ignore the obvious truth. Someone we all know is lurking in the dark shadows cast by the bright American flame, but are terrified to face. Someone who scares us, intimidates us, shames us in front of the cool kids at school while hitting on our mothers.

He is the one we fear most.

The most dangerous man in America.

John Mayer.

Oh yes, John Mayer.

John Mayer is so dangerous because his grunting mediocrity with a smile and middle of the road guitar chops make nice girls want to do bad things.

Because he somehow has managed to use relentness lameness, Doody from Grease looks, and farcical pretensions to Dylanness to slay more Hollywood starlet tail than Sinatra, Beatty, and Nicholson combined.

Because his not quite good enough to be the rhythm guitar player for Poco musical skills somehow have made an entire generation of music fans who don’t know any better think that’s what excellent guitar playing sounds like.

Because he has a blog where he sometimes uses words with more than two syllables to feed his delusions of intelligence and perpetuate the myth of “John Mayer, sensitive thinking man rocker,” when he is in fact not thinking and not a rocker.

Because to deflect criticisms of his douchosity, he decided to tat up like some Kid Rock wannabe, only confirming what we already knew.

And finally, because he sets an example for the young that mediocrity garners rewards.

He is the Ryan Secrest of rock and roll. The Pee Wee Herman of manhood. The Chico Marx of intellectual rigor.

He is, simply, the most dangerous man in America.

Next up—why Congress doesn’t work.

Hook ‘em Horns!