Top 5: Cars (American)

Isaac Hayes' 1972 Cadillac Eldorado

Cars, girls, surfing, beer
Nothing else matters here!
--The Dictators, (I Live for) Cars and Girls

Wow, cars ahead of girls? Uh, that's right Mr. Hat. Girls, like busses, come and go all the time. But your car is your car. And without a Boss car, you've just got your personality (and despite what they say, most women value a man's personality only insofar as it entails the ability to pay attention and clean up after themselves). Yes sir, you'll pretty much be consigned to the low minor leagues of dating. The 40 Year Old Virgin? Yeah, he didn't have a car. Stacy Keibler don't go out with no guy driving a Cavalier.

Americans love cars. To Americans, the car symbolizes freedom. That's probably why adolescent boys and grown up men who think like boys (in other words, "men") obsess over cars. The car gives you freedom to go places, freedom to do things. You're no longer home bound, hoping something interesting comes on TV later or playing xbox for hours on end. You can see the world around you. You can go fast and experience the thrill of acceleration and managing speed. Every man remembers his first car. Nearly every first car is some beater that serves as a baseline to measure a man's success. If your first car was a 10 year old Toyota Corolla, and 30 years later you're driving a two door Kia, you may want to reexamine your life choices.

Americans love cars because we love freedom and exploration. We love going places. The Europeans don't love cars like we do, because they spend their whole lives in little villages, inbreeding and hating America. They ride their bikes everywhere, or take a train if they absolutely have to leave their town. Which works only when the train employees aren't striking or enjoying a wine and cheese brake (see what I did there? "break" vs. "brake" on a train? Hello?). Oh sure, they build some beautiful sports cars, but then tax everyone so maniacally that no one can afford them. America built roads everywhere anyone would want to go, thereby opening up the entire country. Our ability to move about freely, to explore opportunities wherever we find them, was one of the major factors behind America becoming economically powerful. You remember the old slogan, "See the USA in a Chevrolet"? That's right. Cars are about freedom. The "go back to the Stone Age or we will all die from global warming, err, actually its 'climate change'" crowd may try to force their Volts and their Priuses and their commuter trains down our throats. But not even the Goriest of them talk about taking away our Escalades and other utterly impractical gas guzzlers. Anymore. Self-righteous hubris can't win all the time. 

A car also says something about who you are. Honda Civic with a sunroof and an "I Brake For Unicorns" bumper sticker? You're a twice divorced legal secretary from Port Arthur with a Xanax addiction and one kid whose criminal record keeps him from enlisting in the Army. Ford F-350 with dual rear wheels, elevated wheelbase, running board, and mounted fog lights? You're a man with an extremely small package and a girlfriend named "Shawnna" with a dolphin ankle tattoo.  Minivan with one of those rolling side doors? If you're a man who drives such a vehicle then you own several cardigan sweaters and you think up affirmations for your kid's soccer team. If you're a woman who drives that van then you knit your husband lots of cardigan sweaters. And if you own a BMW M3 convertible, you're a total Baller. Hey, you can't represent in a Ford Focus.

Popular culture has embraced the American car mythology. Many popular movies and TV shows really star the car that the putative hero drives, or in some cases (American Graffiti or the Fast and Furious series) hardly even pretend to have a story and primarily focus on the cars. Sometimes this elevates these cars to iconic status: Steve McQueen's 1968 Mustang fastback in Bullitt, the Smokey and the Bandit 1976 Trans-Am, Jim Rockford and his Camaro, Magnum P.I.'s Ferrari, and of course James Bond's 1964 Aston Martin DB5.  Bond doesn't drive a Nissan Altima, 'k? These shows embrace and reinforce the entire "car as freedom" ethos.

Until the last few years, America produced the best cars. From Henry Ford to Lee Iaccoca, Detroit viewed automobiles not just as mere wheels to transport drivers between two points, but as art, as personal statements, and something beautiful to behold. The Model T, the Model A, the '32 Ford Coupe, the Packard, the classic Cadillacs, all those tail finned cars of the '50s. Styling became more important than functionality, but until the late 1970s, Detroit produced exceptionally reliable and dependable vehicles. Then, as management failed to cope with the '70s energy crisis and rushed out ill-conceived designs to cut cost and react to the Japanese (not to mention turning its police force into RoboCops), Detroit lost its way. American motor companies have enjoyed some successes since then, mainly in the SUV and truck markets, but have mostly ceded the auto markets to low-cost and/or higher quality foreign companies (many of whom, ironically, make those vehicles here in the States, proving that its not so much that Americans can't make good cars, just the bloated dinosaur companies in electoral vote rich Michigan that receive government bailouts).

What makes a great car? Some might look to dependability. How many miles it lasts, its maintenance record, its resale value. Others might consider safety and reliability. While others, primarily shallow, Steve Dallas types like myself, consider performance and looks. In other words, how cool it is. How Beach Boy it is. No girl worth impressing ever found an SUV's resale value exciting.

Here's the Top 5 American Cars, from the classic times.

5. The 1955-57 Thunderbird. When the Beach Boys write a number one song about a car, and it outclasses all the other cars in American Graffiti, that car deserves serious respect. Suzanne Somers drove a '56 T-Bird in the movie. I personally favor the 1955 version without the trunk mounted spare tire, though I like the porthole style rear side windows from the later versions. This car was awesome: unlike nearly every other American car, the T-Bird was a work of art. It was gorgeous, albeit in an elegant, Grace Kelly kind of way. Ford designed it to compete with the Corvette, though it didn't market the T-Bird as a sports car. The original version had a 292 V-8, while later versions had a 312 with a four barrel carb and a supercharger. So it could move too. Thank Robert McNamara for making it into a family-mobile, boat-on-wheels starting in 1958. The same guy who helped push us into Vietnam. How anyone let that guy near any important decisions after skewering the original T-Bird is a mystery.

4. The 1955-57 Chevy Bel Air. The Heavy Chevy. There's nothing exceptional about this car except it perfectly evokes all those 1950s hot rodders out cruising around, hanging out at the malt shop, talking about the big dance, and getting ready to race. American Graffiti showed several of them, and Harrison Ford's character drove a '55 Bel Air. It featured mounds of chrome, tail fins, a huge back seat the likes of which today's teenagers could only dream of, and it owned the road. Its the archetypal American 1950s car.

3. The 1976 Pontiac Trans Am. The aforementioned Smoky and the Bandit car. I drove a 1976 Firebird once, from Waco to Dallas on IH-35, during a dark and very stormy night while my friend, who owned the car, recovered from several "Big O's" he had just consumed at George's. Its the most powerful vehicle I've ever driven. And that was the lower level package for that year. The Trans Am was the 50th Anniversary model for Pontiac. Starring an insane 455 V-8 with a 4-speed manual transmission, it went from 0-60 in 7 seconds. That's just wrong. "Unsafe," I mean. This is a total white trash pick, obvs, but the TA was gorgeous, though in a more Farrah Fawcett way. It was also fast, muscular, and completely over the top. Just like America herself. At least, the America where I grew up. Hey, that car made Sally Field look sexy. 'Nuff said.

2. The 1964 1/2 Mustang 289. For a couple of glorious years when I was in law school, I owned an original 1965 Mustang 289. It was true red, with automatic transmission, fuel injection, and racing wheels. That thing could fly. Uh, I've heard. The Mustang caused a huge revolution in the auto industry. It showed that a "youth market" existed, with that Baby Boom swelling the ranks of twenty-somethings looking to drive something with a little more zip than a Buick. Ford, led by Lee Iaccoca, basically took its Fairlane chassis and sported it up. The Mustang was an instant smash. Ford couldn't keep them in stock. Its competitors took four years to catch up with Chevrolet's Camaro and later the Dodge Challenger. The Mustang was reliable, sporty, fast, and beautiful. One of the most gorgeous scenes in any Mad Men episode came this season as Don and Roger rolled up to a Beverly Hills hotel in a red convertible 1966 Mustang (driven, unfortunately, by that goof Harry Crane). That's how you roll into town, boys.

1 (a) The 1960s Corvettes. Cheesy middle age mid-life crisis guys drive Corvettes now, but you know who drove them in the '60s? Astronauts. Air Force test pilots. BOOM. No one ranked higher on for bad assery during the '60s than astronauts. And they drove 'Vettes. I've read the Corvette represents the only true American sports car. This never made much sense, but then maybe I don't know what the term "sports car" means. What car outshines the '61 red Corvette Eric Stratton drove in Animal House? Maybe the '69 model, with a 427 engine and four speed manual transmission. I even dated a girl once just because she owned, and used to let me drive, her Corvette. They're completely impractical, impossible to maintain, and extremely costly. But they could blaze down the road and looked totally sweet. The perfect car.

1. Isaac Hayes' 1972 blue Cadillac Eldorado. This is the most Baller car ever made. The Stax Records Museum in Memphis displays it. Isaac Hayes had just written the soundtrack for Shaft, for which he won an Academy Award and made a small fortune. As a signing bonus, Stax Records bought him a new Cadillac Eldorado. But not just any Cadillac. Talk about pimping your ride. This one had 24 carat gold trim, white fur lining, a television, refrigerator, crushed powder blue suede upholstery, and moon roof. Naturally, Hayes went bankrupt a couple years later, but ultimately the car was purchased at auction by a Memphis police officer, who later sold it to the Stax Museum where everyone can enjoy it. What is there to say except...Baller Lifestyle.

Honorable Mention: the 1969 Camaro, the DeLorean (fitted with the Flux Capacitor, obvi), the 1932 Ford Coupe (the "Little Deuce Coupe"), the 1964 Pontiac GTO, the 1964 Chevy Impala (with the 409 engine..."she's real fine my 409"), and the 1968 Mustang Fastback (the Bullitt car).

NEXT-the World Tour resumes...New England.

Top 5: First Ladies

Eleanor Roosevelt, 1942

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
--Eleanor Roosevelt

We are the President.

---Hillary Clinton, 1993

Did she really say that? Apparently there's some documentation for it.  I know it’s a famous quote and all, but the media does sometime misquote people. Though it sounds exactly like something she would have said back then, so one way or another it kinda captures the spirit of the thing.

From the very beginning, Presidents had First Ladies just like Herb had Peaches. Though the term didn’t surface until the 1840s, Martha Washington became a leading matron of nascent American society. Dolly Madison, when she wasn’t inventing tasty snack foods and saving stuff from burning in the White House (yeah, that’s right, the Brits torched the White House. You’d know that if you hadn’t slept through most of freshman year American History) became a national heroine. America has elected only one unmarried President, and even he had to get his adopted niece to become a de facto First Lady by making her the official White House hostess. Though I wonder if he had to endure any “Kentucky” jokes when other countries’ leaders visited.

The First Lady “arc” pretty much tracks how women’s (and wives’) social roles developed over time. Until Eleanor Roosevelt and her megababe looks hit town, the First Lady was a silent yet elegant official White House hostess. Someone who made sure the servants laid out the silverware correctly and talk to the German ambassador without starting a war. Eleanor Roosevelt changed that, participating in political and policy issues.  Nearly every First Lady thereafter has in some regard adopted one or more signature issues to champion. Some more recent First Ladies have assumed a government policy role, or at least influenced how the President runs his office.

First Ladies have long played a symbolic role, influencing national attitudes. They have particularly done so for women. The First Lady even today represents one of the country’s and even the world’s leading women, a role model to whom others can aspire. Traditionally, if the First Lady approved of a particular style or attitude or behavior, that either signified its mainstream social acceptance, or made great inroads towards its popular approval. When Rosalynn Carter, for example, openly discussed mental depression, people really began to think of mental illness differently. Even in the “live and let live” 1970s, NOBODY discussed mental illness issues. People considered merely acknowledging or even mentioning the subject as shameful. The Democrats forced Thomas Eagleton off the 1972 Presidential ticket when his depression and electric shock therapy treatment became known, for example.  But when Mrs. Carter openly discussed the matter, it helped change attitudes towards recognizing mental illness and depression as a valid medical condition and not some best-ignored unspeakable taboo.  A First Lady’s “endorsement” carries significant weight.

The “First Lady” now functions as a de facto public official, albeit an unelected one beyond Senate confirmation review. The First Lady has a budget, a staff (including a Press Secretary and Chief of Staff), an official daily itinerary released to the media, security access, government vehicles, and best of all, Secret Service protection until the day she dies (or remarries). Oh, and free postage too. So, I guess if she decided to move across country she could just mail all her stuff instead of paying movers. As long as she didn’t mind the Postal Service losing half of it and breaking the other half.

Should a First Lady have any formal government or policy role? After all, no one votes for the First Lady. That’s one of those “should we have welfare” issues that you can debate all you want but nothing will change as a result; First Ladies aren’t going back to just picking out flowers and asking Prince Charles if he cares for tea. And understood in context shouldn’t cause any concern at all. No one votes for and the Senate doesn’t “advise and consent” on the National Security Advisor or White House Chief of Staff, but at least you know who would become the First Lady when you vote. You have no idea what kind of slappy a President might appoint as Chief of Staff, however. And no married man will act in a silo…on anything. Particularly someone who has made it in politics to the point of attaining the Presidency. Maybe a salesman’s wife (for that matter, any spouse at all) won’t advise him which prospects to invite on a golfing weekend, for example, but will very well offer advice on his overall career. Or opinions on things to improve.  After all, they’re both in the same boat, and if one guy’s not rowing properly, the other crew members need to straighten that out. And a salesman’s wife will ask him and expect to know what he does at work, act as a sounding board when he encounters problems. So why would anyone expect the President’s wife (or anticipating President Clinton II, “husband”) would act differently? Not to mention, we want Presidents to seek out and weigh other viewpoints as they decide policy and political matters. So why would it be weird or inappropriate for a President to consult with his friends and family too? Unless you’re married to some horrible or incredibly stupid person I guess.

So what makes for a “top” First Lady? To some it might mean someone who plays the part of best traditional wife. To others it might mean someone who holds national prominence and drives opinion. Still others might want a First Lady who affects policy. In 2013, First Ladies play all these roles, so a “top” First Lady would excel in all these categories. Though that’s somewhat unfair to First Ladies who served many decades ago, before they could influence governmental matters. 

Its gonna be REALLY fun for all of us in this regard when we elect Hillary in a couple of years. Including Hillary.  Oh, and trust me. Coronation pending. I hate to deal with politics here, but the election’s just a formality. (1) “Tail Gunner” Joe Biden, plagiarist and noted intellectual, is her only halfway serious competition for the nomination. (2) You think the Times/Post/CNN/View/DailyShow crowd loves Obama? They’re gonna squeal like 12 year old girls at a Beatles concert when Hillary runs. (3) Which Angry White Man, that the Republicans will inevitably run against her, frothing at the mouth about “legitimate rape” and “binders of women” and rape babies are something “God intended to happen,” can beat her? Exactly. So you thought “we” were President back then? You ain’t seen nothing yet.  Can you imagine the conversation where Hillary tells Bill it might be a good thing if he were to, I don’t know, say, dial it back a little? Just a little. “Hey, Bill, you’re at an ‘8’ right now and I need you to be more like a ‘3.’ Mmmkay?” (this line stolen from South Park) Right? Bill’s helpful and statesmanlike  South Carolina primary performance will seem subdued once he’s back in the White House. I’d feel sorry for her, but she made her bed a long time ago. Still, every President has their Billy Carter….Usually though its not the “First Man.”

Here’s the Top 5 First Ladies:

5. Nancy Reagan. OK, she’s a Lady Macbeth, no doubt. The astrology thing was totally weird too. But hey, Dutch would never have made it to the big chair without Nancy running interference. For better or worse, she exerted significant control over Presidential access after the assassination attempt, and counseled him on which advisers should stay or go. For example, she fought legendary battles with the oh so vivacious Donald Regan, the President’s Chief of Staff, over the President’s schedule and access, and ultimately persuaded the President to fire him. Beyond that, she had significant influence over the 1980s national discourse and trends. “Just say no” may have been simple and stupid and rich white woman thinking, but there weren’t many other people trying to fight the Great 80s Cocaine Wave. As White House hostess, she reintroduced glamour back to the Capitol, missing since the Camelot era. The White House hosted the likes of Ellington, Sinatra, Prince Charles and Princess Di, and other prominent “stars.” After leaving Washington, she championed stem cell research, and was one of the first Republicans to advocate for AIDS prevention and research. And for 10 years, this woman, who so relished the limelight and the trappings of fame, cared for President Reagan as he succumbed slowly to Alzheimer’s, once again setting a national example.

4. Jacqueline Kennedy. Camelot needed a Guinevere. Albeit one who didn’t sell out to Lancelot and ruin the place. If ever America had a Queen, it was Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis. The most glamorous, most beautiful, most refined, coolest, most elegant First Lady ever. Mrs. Kennedy made Grace Kelly seem like white trash. Women idolized her. People all over the world were fascinated with her and was a smash on all her foreign trips. She was quite the Cold War weapon; the Soviets had nothing like her. Yet she was no porcelain doll. She attended Vassar, the Sorbonne, and George Washington University. She spoke four languages, and famously gave a speech entirely in Spanish while accompanying President Kennedy to Mexico. People now forget, but she led a major effort to renovate the White House, which after 150 years was pretty much crumbling to the ground. She made a very famous television special that for the first time allowed millions of Americans to see the White House. She refused to leave the White House during the Cuban Missile Crisis, a model of American resolve. And that same resolve during her husband’s assassination, funeral, and mourning period really helped the country through that horrible weekend. If Jackie could keep it together, everyone else could too. Despite her grief, she meticulously planned that funeral, to the point of researching Abraham Lincoln’s funeral arrangements, just to ensure proper protocol and help the nation confront the tragedy. Sidebar, I've seen the movie Parkland, to be released in October near the commemoration of the 50th anniversary of the assassination. It depicts the day's events, and those of the next three, in excruciating and highly accurate detail, focusing on the events of several who played crucial roles during that time. Its unquestionably one of the most powerful movies I've ever seen. One of many, many scenes that leave a punch in the gut is the depiction of Jackie, still clad in her famous pink, blood stained Chanel suit, and obviously overcome with shock, nervously and silently handing the attending surgeon a piece of the President's skull and brain tissue she scrambled over the back of the limo's trunk to retrieve as it sped from Dealey Plaza. Its not a gory scene; but like many other scenes, its rawness and truth leaves you gasping for breath. As I will surely write when its released, every American should see this movie.

3. Lady Bird Johnson. Every spring, one can drive along miles and miles of Texas highways and witness the most incredible explosion of color. All manner of wildflowers line the roads, transforming an already beautiful country into something truly spectacular. If you’ve ever seen it, you know what I mean, and you can thank Lady Bird Johnson. A businesswoman in the 1930s and 40s was rare enough, but Mrs. Johnson owned a radio station and later TV station in Austin, and gave her husband a great deal of badly needed class. She graduated from the University of Texas, a rare thing in the 1930s. In Washington, she ran his Congressional office during the war when he served in the Navy. Later, she helped other newly arrived families adjust to Washington life while Mr. Johnson was in the Senate, and had already carved out a role as a Grand Dame of Washington by the time he was elected Vice President. When he assumed the top job, she helped campaign for passage of his civil rights legislation in the South, a pretty thankless task. More famously, she helped champion environmental causes when mainstream America still regarded that movement as antithetical to American values, hippie, or even tied to the Communists (no, really, a lot of people thought that). She worked directly with Congress, and was responsible for the Highway Beautification Act and led the first campaign to beautify the Capitol. She was the first to hire a chief of staff, and a Press Secretary (the incredible Liz Carpenter). She campaigned for her husband on her own, flying on the “Lady Bird Special.” Out of office, she pushed the Austin city council to create the Town Lake Trail, a 10 mile gravel trail running alongside Town Lake, now renamed Lady Bird Lake in her honor. And she founded the beautiful National Wildflower Research Center, in south Austin, which carries on her legacy of promoting and preserving wildflowers and native plants.

2. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Ok to be honest I kind of detested her when she was First Lady. My general feelings were along the lines of “who does this uppity Wellesley broad think she is?” But with time and personal growth (mine and hers), I’ve reevaluated my opinion. The 1992 Clinton campaign really was a remarkable enterprise and Bill’s election an equally remarkable achievement. Only one Democrat had been elected President since 1968, and George H.W. Bush was riding high popularity ratings after the first Iraq War. During the campaign, she really was a co-equal with Bill, famously devising the strategy for dealing with the Gennifer Flowers revelation and going on 60 Minutes to respond. She assumed an office in the West Wing along with the other main line Administration advisors. I may have disdained the health care initiative and history shows that she managed the legislative details fairly poorly, but the fact that the First Lady totally owned and managed an Administration’s major policy initiative was itself groundbreaking. No First Lady ever came close to that level of involvement in Presidential policy making. Though it failed to achieve legislation, arguably it began the national policy debate that culminated in President Obama finally securing major health care legislation. Though she backed away from the policy spotlight thereafter, she remained engaged in the Administration in other ways throughout both terms. Some may still question her decisions during the Monica unpleasantness, but really, can anyone say what the right action was? Divorce the President? Leave the White House? Ok, really easy to say, less easy to do. I would fault her for the whole “right wing conspiracy” attack. Remember, this was her response to allegations that the President had engaged in an extra-marital affair and lied about it under oath. Of course, it turned out to be totally true. She might have, I don’t know, apologized for that. More significantly, Hillary Clinton should have had some inkling that when it comes to such matters, there may be some fire going along with the smoke. Bad judgment there. But what First Lady has gone on to become a United States Senator (from New York, assuming no less than Daniel Patrick Moynihan’s seat in the Senate), Secretary of State, and for a time and probably now too the leading candidate for the Presidency? From whatever side of the aisle one finds one’s self, Hillary Rodham Clinton clearly was one of the most outstanding First Ladies.

1. Eleanor Roosevelt. When it comes to First Ladies, there’s Eleanor Roosevelt, and then there’s everyone else. From where our country has advanced today, one can no doubt never imagine how profoundly Mrs. Roosevelt influenced the nation. Like her husband’s Presidency, she was our nation’s longest serving First Lady. In the 1930s, mind you, she gave press conferences and spoke at national conventions. She had a newspaper column and frequently spoke and lectured.  She advocated for minorities and union workers. She traveled throughout the country as the New Deal Warrior. And not meeting with fellow aristocrats in fun, easy to reach places like Chicago or Boston. She went down back roads (pretty much every road in the 1930s was a back road), into coal mines and homeless camps, and met with crackers and blacks, simply astonishing for the times.  She advocated for racial equality and invited minorities to the White House, something unthinkable for the 1940s. She even occasionally opposed President Roosevelt’s policies, notably criticizing his tepid support of civil rights and his internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II. After she wrote an editorial criticizing his spending priorities, the President actually wrote a response in the following issue arguing against her editorial. During the war she championed greater immigration for European refugee children and Jews, and extensively toured the combat theatres. She also fought for and encouraged women and minorities to take factory jobs during the war, previously denied them.  Eleanor Roosevelt truly championed the downtrodden and the poor during the Depression, and inspired millions during those bleak times. After President Roosevelt died, she held a number of significant positions, including Chairman of the UN Commission on Human Rights, Delegate to the UN General Assembly, and Chairman of the Presidential Commission on the Status of Women. At the UN, she helped draft the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. All this just scratches the surface of her illustrious life and career, at a time where nearly everything she did was pioneering and precedent setting. Truly, Eleanor Roosevelt was America’s greatest First Lady, and beyond that, one of its greatest citizens.

NEXT-Pretty much exactly the same kind of subject: Top 5 Cars (American)

Welcome Back, College Football. I'm Here to Save You

Bullwinkle leads Wossamotta U to gridiron glory. Alley...OOP!!

"He could run like small-town gossip."
--Darrell Royal, 1963 (on back James Saxon).

Interrupting the Top 5 series (I literally hear hearts breaking everywhere) to complain...err...consider modern college football's current state. Its something like two weeks until our first college football weekend, so it seemed like as good a time as any to discuss the state of the game.

Well, to be clear, I'm not going to talk about the "state of the game": conference realignment, the money, recruiting, amateurism, coaching contracts, and the like. Plenty of others have written in depth about those issues. Texas Monthly covered the cesspool that is Professional College Football in this recent article. Instead, I'm going to discuss the actual game itself. I'd like to at least bring up some changes, or return to the "old ways," in at least a limited way I think could reinvigorate the game.

Admittedly, from one perspective the game hardly needs help. That fat $5.6 billion playoff haul doesn't happen because no one watches college football, you know. (And I can't stop myself, but can anyone really still seriously utter the phrases "student-athletes" and "the institutions" and "amateurism" about college football anymore without sounding like the old Tobacco Institute's "there is no reliable scientific evidence that cigarette smoking causes cancer" screed?). No, college football has entered a Golden Age, popularity-wise. So in one respect, they'd be crazy to change the on-field product. But spectacular success doesn't always last forever. Signed, Enron. Its change or die out here in the real world.  By contrasting the modern game with the game as it was played when it developed such a huge following, I'll consider some things that I think drag it down, $5.6 billion notwithstanding.

But before throwing stones, let's start on a positive note. I really enjoy college football, especially my favorite teams, the Texas Longhorns and LSU Tigers. I wouldn't write this much about it otherwise. I like the traditions, passed on through families and friends through the years. If you went to LSU or if family went there, for example, you're always a Tiger fan. There's no changing teams every season. I enjoy that many programs inspire an rooting community that spans entire regions, especially the south, so that even if you didn't actually attend the school, you take them on as your team. I like the historic rivalries, so much deeper and more intense than pro football. Auburn-Alabama. Michigan-Ohio State. Texas-Oklahoma. USC-UCLA. Army-Navy. These form an annual opportunity to renew long traditions. One of conference "realignment's worst aspects has been its ending some fantastic long-time rivalries like Texas-Texas A&M and Nebraska-Oklahoma. (No Kansas and Missouri, yours doesn't count as a real rivalry). And I appreciate the in-game experience, such as the bands, cheerleaders, chants, and singing the alma mater.

When the home team does well and there's an exciting game, the atmosphere can become electric as the fans root on their team. My dad took us to a lot of college football games growing up. Generally, we'd go watch the Houston Cougars play in the Astrodome. I remember watching a few Texas vs. Rice games at Rice Stadium, and can still picture the Texas band and cheerleaders marching into the Stadium before the 1968 game (my first). The official game stats said only 6,500 people attended, which seems unimaginable today. They have to move that game to Reliant Stadium now so that all the Houston-area Texas exes can actually go see a Texas game once every other year. Its so fun actually going to a college football game. My uncle was a college football coach, and I remember going to see a few of his games. We'd get great seats, then generally attend an alumni party afterwards. Its fun at other games to tailgate before the game, then celebrate after. Nothing beats the fun of going from tailgate to tailgate at Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge, or the Grove at Ole Miss, or even watching tailgating on the sailboats that dock right next to Husky Stadium at the University of Washington campus in Seattle. And nothing beats the electricity in the air in those stadiums, or some of the other legendary college football venues.

I enjoy watching games on TV, especially today with the improved cameras and coverage. You can rewind and watch plays over, or hit pause while you refill. Really good announcers can add to the game's drama, to the point where their names become synonymous with college football. Even now I can still hear such standouts as Keith Jackson, Bud Wilkinson, Ron Franklin, Frank Fallon, Lindsay Nelson, Chris Schenkel, and definitely not Brent "They're roommates AND best friends" Musberger. And I vividly remember so many fantastic, riveting, dramatic games. The 2005 National Championship (Texas vs. USC). The 1969 Great Shootout (Texas vs. Arkansas). The 1984 Orange Bowl (Nebraska vs. Miami). The 2003 National Championship game (Ohio State vs. Miami with the ridiculous phantom pass interference call on Miami-you stole that trophy Jim Tressel). 

I've mostly enjoyed watching college football evolve. Compared to the 1960s, today's players are far more skilled, talented, bigger, faster, better coached, and simply play the game better. Injury care has become so advanced. Players routinely come back quickly from injuries that would have ruined careers several generations ago. The game itself has attracted so many intellectually gifted tacticians that it has become incredibly more sophisticated than the old Big 10 "three yards and a cloud of dust" games. In fact, college football has become far more innovative than the NFL. The spread, the pistol, the read option, timing offenses, linebackers "spying" on quarterbacks or running backs...all these innovations started in college and have found their way to the NFL in some form or fashion.

Some innovations have made the game a little less interesting, though. I'll still spend as many Saturdays as I can watching college football (and as many bowl games as I can). But in many ways, current college football has become somewhat frustrating to watch.

To begin, the high scores have made some games seem like an intramural coed flag football game. What's wrong with high scores? Its just not real football. "Real football" involves a contest of two sides of the ball, offense and defense, each of which play under neutral rules, each of which have approximately the same chance of success. Two offenses competing with one another to see which one can run through toothless defenses early and often enough to outscore the other does not make for great football. Great football involves not just great offenses, but great defenses. The University of Texas' successful goal line stand against the Alabama Crimson Tide (led by Joe Namath) at the end of the 1965 Orange Bowl was one of the most riveting moments in college football history. Great defense can make for great games. Or put it another way. Did anyone watch the atrocity that was the 2011 Alamo Bowl? RGIII's coming out party. Baylor 67, Washington 56. I watched that entire game, mouth nearly agape at the absolute lack of defense. All throughout college football, scores have inflated worse than the Argentine Peso. The Big 12 really has become a flag football league. Baylor beat West Virginia 70-64 last year. That's just not football, people. Even the SEC, with its stubborn rushing football emphasis, has seen higher scores. South Carolina beat Tennessee last year 38-35. Even the Big 10 is blowing it out. Ohio State beat Indiana 52-49 last year, in a non-overtime game. Is this football or basketball?

Several factors create these inflated scores. And overtime isn't one of them. Initially, rule changes have refined (or, I would say "distorted") the game to encourage passing and high scores. You basically can't touch a receiver five yards beyond the line of scrimmage. Where Jerry Gray and Tommy Casanova could basically mug a receiver all the way down the field until the ball was in the air, defensive backs today can't touch them five yards beyond the line of scrimmage. Receivers run unimpeded through the secondary, like the vonTrapp children frolicking with Maria on that mountain. When they catch the ball, defenders can't blow them up either, Jack Tatum style. So they don't fear the huge hit anymore that might have made them shy off of catching some passes. Nor can you touch a quarterback. That's really only a slight exaggeration. Previously, defensive rushers would smash a QB even after throwing a pass, just to make it hurt and make him think about the pain the next time he'd drop back. Now, there's little consequence if your line can keep the QB clean long enough to get the pass off. Offenses can shift literally at will before coming set. The modern backfield looks like Rockefeller Center at Christmas with all the movement. Finally, blocking rules have become more liberalized, allowing linemen to put their hands on defenders and move them in a direction (as opposed to the old "forearms up" 60s and 70s techniques). Because referees have a hard time seeing everything down in the trenches in much detail, this means that semi-legalized holding occurs on every passing play. All this means that the passing game has a much higher productivity than in the 1960s and 70s, resulting in moving the ball downfield in a shorter time frame (keep in mind, the clock stops after an incomplete pass, which is why the old UH Cougar "run and shoot" teams played games that routinely exceeded 4 hours).

Add to that the fact that these kids play football year round in 7 on 7 leagues, where all they do is throw the ball. And, since the Texas UIL has rescinded its old rule that banned high school players from attending summer football camps, they receive specialized passing instruction during the off-season. (I look to Texas as a bellwether, as its players so dominate the college ranks along with California and Florida). High school coaches have introduced relatively skilled passing offenses at the high school level as well, so QBs and receivers come to major college programs with passing game skills light years ahead of their 1960s and 70s counterparts.

Defenses simply have not adjusted as quickly. Stopping the passing game involves two objectives: pressure and coverage. If you can't do one, you better do the other really well. If you can't do either, you better hope the QB can't make his throws. In the 1960s and 70s, that was often the case. The QBs and receivers just didn't spend as much time working on the passing game, and as coaches emphasized running anyway, they lacked much incentive to do so. Now, QBs will lead summer passing drills with their receivers, without coaching or supervision. Vince Young, for example, famously challenged his teammates at the end of the 2004 season to participate in organized summer workouts with the invitation of "whoever wants to beat Ohio State [UT's second opponent in the upcoming 2005 season] come with me." It worked.

Another development leading to score inflation involves the no huddle, "tempo" offenses. This is and always has been totally legal. No rule requires the offense to huddle before every play so they can contemplate life or what to get Millie and Jimmy for an engagement present ("Well, candlesticks always make a nice gift"). This gives the offense the opportunity to run more plays, cross the field more quickly, prevent the defense from making specialized adjustments (which, admittedly, was something that did not happen in the 60s and 70s, but neither did offenses substitute as frequently in those days), and keeps the defense from regrouping and catching its wind. You may say the offense doesn't get to rest either, but playing defense is more physically demanding than offense. Its more demanding to hit than to get hit, and its more demanding having to react and quickly make up ground than to sprint when you already know where you're going. Probably more importantly, it increases injury risk all around, as tired players who haven't recovered from the last play can't as easily use proper technique, which invariably is when injuries occur. I'm no Nick Saban fan, but the man knows the game, and he's warned about the tempo offenses increasing injury risks. Tempo offenses also can lead to video game style play, not to mention poor, sloppy play as players on both sides struggle to get set and coordinate adjustments before the snap. Its often not a pretty sight to behold. Unless you're a fan of inadvertent 12 men on the field penalties as huge defensive linemen can't get off the field before the next snap.

Passing game dominance has led inexorably to the running game withering on the vine. Though SEC teams still often boast strong running games (Alabama, notably), elsewhere the running game has reversed roles with the passing game as something you do to give the receivers a play off. Or, more accurately, to keep the defensive line from rushing the passer every single play without having to stay at home and at least respect the run. Think of the great college football games over the years, and many have involved dominating running performances. Yes, three yards and a cloud of dust may have lacked a certain pizazz, but what about watching Johnny Rodgers running against Oklahoma in the legendary 1971 game? Herschel Walker destroying SEC defenses in the 1980s? Earl Campbell running through SWC defenders during the 1970s? Rushing football is and should always be the essence of football. You line your guys up against my guys, and try and stop me. Force on force. I like watching the aerial acrobatics and so forth as well, but rushing football is man on man. All these rule changes and other developments have made rushing football just so passé.

The clock stopping after every first down feeds into the scoring frenzy as well. In the pros, the clock keeps running. But in college, a first down stops the clock until the chains are set. That allows more time for offenses to score and to get set. The stupid ridiculous overtime rules also feed the scoring problem. Starting from the 25 yard line and each team gets to try their hand? Why not just go to a carnival and take turns shooting at clown figures for a prize? Eliminating special teams in overtime means you're not really playing the game of football anymore. You're engaged in some kind of football-like skills exhibition, where its pretty difficult not to score. Unless you like the fact that teams often combine to score far more points in the "overtime" than the actual game itself.

Getting away just a bit from the scoring aspect, the modern game exhibits some other characteristics I could live without. The celebration rules have gone way too far. Take off your helmet and its a personal foul. Exhibit the slightest emotion after a touchdown, and its a 15 yard penalty if you're lucky, because the new rules allow the refs to nullify the score if they feel its aggravated. Hey, folks, this isn't cricket. Nor do I like watching a bunch of Spocks coldly and robotically going up and down the field. Not everyone should be Bart Starr. After all, its a game.  Not a board meeting. The Fun Bunch went too far, as did Chad "not Ochocinco any more" Johnson's ridiculous antics. But all of us fans in the stands are partying like its 1999 after a score. Its not bad sportsmanship to let the players at least exhibit some happiness when they score. And some of the new uniforms look like Alice In Wonderland costumes. I'm looking at you Oregon. And Maryland.

Returning to more technicalities, I'd like to see the hash marks moved to the NFL spots. That means closer to the middle of the field. Players today are faster, bigger, quicker, and more violent. They simply "get to the edge" more quickly than 40 years ago. The modern college hash marks effectively take away one side of the field, because any play to the near side is destined to become slop as the defenders can quickly get to the edge. One reason the NFL game became a little more wide open was that the defenses had to defend the entire field. I realize this complaint seems to conflict with my earlier anti-scoring diatribe, because it would open up more field for offenses to exploit. But if you reinstated the more traditional passing rules, moving the hash marks in at the same time would encourage more rushing and see a more interesting field-wide game.

Ok, ping ponging around here. Next on the list: can we get rid of the running on to the field through smoke, and non-stop PA chatter that drowns out the band, and the Godzillatron scoreboards? I know we live in a video game/ADD world and bigger is better, but why must college football be just like a Miami Heat game? I don't need to hear the 15th Taco Bell commercial of the game. I need to hear the band playing the Texas fight song.

In fairness, let me acknowledge one modern development that has really helped the game. The instant replay rule. The officials review nearly every play. They do so quickly, efficiently, and the game mostly does not slow down as a result. This process significantly eliminates the botched calls that have plagued football since its inception. College replay works far better than the pros, where only few plays are reviewed, the replay process frequently fails to reverse blown calls, and takes much more time to complete. Here's one area where the college game has it all over the pros. See, I'm not a total football Luddite.

Having run through all that, here's how I would "save" college football. Other than reforming the hypocritical and parasitic institutions that run it. I'd change three things. First, I'd restore defensive holding rules to their 1970s format. This would allow defenders to hit receivers 10 yards from the line of scrimmage. It would require receivers to work harder to get open, and shut down some of the four wide sets that turn football into a video game. Second, I'd allow the defense to substitute on every play. The referee would not spot the ball until the defense had an adequate opportunity to substitute. So the play clock wouldn't start until that happened. I'd limit this to five seconds though, and this wouldn't apply during the last two minutes of a half. Finally, I'd have the game clock continue to run after the offense makes a first down (unless the ball carrier goes out of bounds on the play). This would institute the NFL rule. All the other stuff I've complained about, I'd leave intact on the grounds that I'm a grouchy old man and will just have to deal with the times.

OK, that is all. Hope everyone enjoys another great college football season. Hook 'em Horns! Geaux Tigers!!

NEXT-the Top 5's return. Ugh. Oh, well, the next one is Top 5 First Ladies. That may not be so bad. Hint. None of the Top 5 are named "Michelle." Sorry to disappoint.

Top 5: Things You're Still Not Doing Right

Steve McQueen could park his car properly. What's your problem?
 

I'm back. I know..."I'll alert the media." Sometimes life interferes with the big stuff. Like musings over Top Gun and the best 50 year old songs.  You know, important things. Sorry about that. Truly sorry.

I was doing some pretty important stuff though. For a time, I was leading the NSA's internal security group. You know, its so unfair how people judge you for just ONE slip up. Thousands of NSA analysts DIDN'T give secrets to the Guardian, but do you ever hear about that? You're welcome America. After that, I spent a lot of time thinking up  Royal Baby names , and sending them all to Kate and William (by e-mail, natch) to think over.  I got a couple of angry calls from Scotland Yard. Apparently they didn't appreciate my really strong suggestions. I still maintain "Prince Elvis" would have had universal appeal. Then I corrected entries on Wikipedia. That's totally not a waste of time because in the immortal words of Michael Scott, "Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone, in the world, can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information." I had to correct entries concerning the Vietnam War (we won and then left the field; we just chose not to get involved in a Second Vietnam War two years later), the 1979 AFC Championship Game (Renfro was in bounds; the refs stole that game from the Oilers), and Three's Company (Terry was never hotter than Chrissy).

But now its back to what I do best. Err, fourth best. Making fun of people who accomplish way more than I do. Because, after all, this IS a blog.

Now, when last we met, we (actually I) were working through several Top 5 lists. An homage to the movie High Fidelity as you may recall. The original Top 5 lists list (wait, what?) had Top 5 Diseases as next on the docket. I'm not really sure what that meant. Why anyone would want to know the Top 5 diseases? "Top" how, exactly? Like, most benign? Most fun? Best name? Most deadly? That's like Top 5 Natural Disasters. Or Top 5 Kardashians (BTW, the top Kardashian is Khloe, even though she's not a real Kardashian, of course...she's more like a Wookie). And would you include all the so-called diseases, like sex addiction, or fear of flying, or wearing a wool cap when its 100 degrees out?

So, I'm bagging Top 5 Diseases. Good riddance. You people deal with your own diseases and leave me out of it.

In its place, we need to talk about your flair. And all the other things you're doing hideously wrong. Really. In the immortal, lilting, intentionally ironic words of Betsy Clark, you all suck. Not so much the usual suspects who consistently read Daily Affirmation (no...we still good).

Its the rest of you herdlike masses who have the problem. Just in a five minute span, I listed about 30 things no one does right. Except the Captain. Obvi. Look, I try to avoid you but I still see what you're doing. And, its...not awesome. Basically, most of you blunder through life never learning from mistakes, oblivious to what happens around you, to rules, to good taste. Its like you never learned how to share your toys in kindergarten, and you think everyone exists for your personal benefit. You wake up every day, bounce from one thing to the next, never focusing on anything you actually do. Your fill your mind with thoughts like, "who's gonna win The Voice," "these pants are itchy but they match my shirt," or "what should I eat for dessert before I start my diet again?" You don't know the name of the Vice President of the United States (ok, bad example). You can't spot your state on a map.

So its no wonder. You're like children, unable to follow simple instructions or reason through unfamiliar situations. Only you're worse because left alone, children readily cope with new situations and can follow rules (except for Lord of the Flies).

I don't mean things you REALLY can't do. Like bending steel girders with your mind. Or sitting through an entire Ke$ha concert. I'm talking about things that any sentient human being should master (well, ok, maybe there's the problem). Things that you can't do because you're too stupid or incompetent or lazy. As usual, I'm  here to help. Use this Daily Affirmation: "I will not be stupid anymore. I will learn from my mistakes. I will consider others. I will not eat waffle tacos."

I title this "Still Not Doing Right," because most of what I've written over the last few years amounts to unloading on how you fine folks live your lives. (BTW, speaking of "folks," what's more hilarious/cringeworthy than our President trying to connect by repeatedly calling us "folks"? You know. The next head of the Federal Reserve should consider "average folks." "These folks" in the NSA are following the law. "Folks are sweating back there right now." "Folks like me" should pay higher taxes. Whatever you think of Pres. Obama, he is, in fact, the President of the United States, Head of State of the most powerful nation on earth, a former Harvard Law Professor, former U.S. Senator from a major state, a Nobel Prize winner, and a hero to millions. There ARE no folks like him. Eh, maybe Michelle and her couturier. When the HuffPo thinks you should stop using that word, you should let it go). Perhaps you've tuned me out, or maybe you can't read all these long words. Or, like many of you, get bored after two paragraphs ('cause you've got a lot of important things to do and can't get bogged down reading, like doing a load of whites, or posting more quilt pictures to your Pinterest site). So once again, dad has to step in.

Now, you're gonna read these and think, "one percent problems, THIS is why you're so bitchy?" And, admittedly, the list doesn't contain things like war and poverty and famine. No, it does not. But war and poverty and famine have been and will be around forever. At least until everyone living in the desert stops living in the desert. So there's no point in harping on people to improve. These other things? A little firm policing could bring some positive results. Plus, its more the cumulative effect these malpractices wreak on society than the harm any individual one causes. Except the parking garage thing.

So here you go. Top 5 Things You're Still Not Doing Right:

5. Know the difference between and properly use "You're" and "Your." Ok, that's probably beyond average human intelligence, so we'll substitute this next one.

5. Cook (subcategory, make proper queso). Does anyone even cook any more? And by "cook" I mean something other than "heat up." Its practically impossible to get in to any Austin restaurant without enduring some kind of wait. Even Olive Garden. There's an Olive Garden about a mile from my house, and every time I pass it, day or night, there's folks standing outside waiting to get in. (see what I did there, with "folks"). That's like waiting in line for daily gruel at the Hanoi Hilton. Most grocery stores now feature row after row of pre-packaged, "heat and eat" items. “Take out,” home delivery, and “truck food” are all flourishing. And…I’ve had some of your cooking, and let’s just say this is why I never come over any more. Well, that and I don’t get invited. And people, your queso is lame. Here’s what you may acceptably put in queso: velveeta cheese, milk, rotel tomatoes, chilis, sausage (good sausage, not Jimmy Dean breakfast patties). Period. No artichokes, no onions, no peppers, no cream of mushroom or any other kind of soup, no cream cheese. No wolf brand chili, venison, tofu, cumin, broccoli, or any New Age/healthy living crap. After all, we’re supposedly civilized people, right?

4. Change a tire. Can anyone change a tire anymore? Some cars don’t even have spare tires. I think I’d die if I saw someone actually changing a tire. Its not that people know how to change a tire but just don’t. No, people actually don’t know how to change tires. Like it was some sort of advanced Los Alamos laboratories technology. Or driving a car with standard transmission (which you also can’t do but which is more acceptable because while most cars have automatic transmission, they still have tires). I suppose everyone just calls AAA or some other roadside service. Because they prefer spending time in Murderville than getting their hands a little dirty and lifting something heavy. Just like the Griswolds.

3. Re-phase the transporter after an ion storm. Ah, just foolin'. Everyone can do that.

3. Wrap a present. I can’t remember the last time someone gave me a present, well, stop right there. OK, the last time I saw a present not obviously gift wrapped (with a sticker from the store of origin) or with a store gift stamp.  How long does it take to wrap a present? Five minutes? And while we’re at it, you don’t even know how to put a present in a stupid bag. Y'all just get a bag, throw the object in there, cover it with a wad of paper, hand it over and expect congratulations on the great wrapping job. Its like never ironing your shirts and showing up everywhere wrinkled (which made the honorable mention list). You either use too much wrapping paper or not enough. Or one side has an extreme portion of folded over paper, while the other side barely covers the edge. Then you pick out Dollar Store wrapping paper and don’t add any sort of ribbon or anything. C’mon man! You’re gonna give your mother a present looking like wadded up chewing gum wrappers? Class it up.

2. Stand in a line. Are you people waiting in line or forming the drum circle at Bonnaroo? The Brits do few things better than Americans, but “queueing” is at the top of the list (along with effective sarcasm use). Its very easy. Whoever's in front stands squarely in front of the ticket window or soup station or whatever, and the next person stands immediately behind. And everyone else repeats that. You don’t stand three feet off to the side, talking to Gregor on your beaded flip phone while you smoke clove cigarettes, you don’t wander around looking for free-floating dollar bills, and you don’t loudly and pompously discuss inane subjects that leave others ready to immolate themselves. You remember that waiting in line scene in Annie Hall, right? Yeah, don’t be that guy. Don’t be yelling across the way to your boys, or eating some foot odor wafting bagged food, or letting people cut. It’s a line, not Friday night at the Copa.

1. Drive in a parking garage or parking lot. This one gets me the worst. Look, parking garages are not haunted, and trolls don’t live there either. There’s no electronic force field that will zap your vehicle if it exceeds 5 miles per hour. I know it may seem like you’re absolutely whipping around each corner, just like back when you were a kid and you’d turn your trailer from County Road 317 onto FM 2900, near Old Man Miller’s artesian well, for a thrill before you went home and help your 15 brothers and sisters fix supper. But you can drive a vehicle in a parking garage faster than 5 MPH without it disintegrating or going back in time like Dr. Brown’s DeLorean. Gun it old man!!! None of the people driving the long line of cars creeping behind you who are late for their appointments are amused. Nor does the hope that someone will magically back out of a space ahead of you so you don't want to go too fast and miss it hold water. There’s oceans of spaces one story higher. Go a safe, but actually measurable, speed, keep a lookout for an open space and when you see one, take it. But you’re not leading the Thanksgiving Parade or being presented at the Cotillion.  Vehicular sauntering has no place in a parking garage. The rest of us who know what we’re doing have something real that we need to get to.

Honorable mention: ironing, dealing with yellow lights, using your turn signal, protesting, going on a date, dressing, lighting a cigar, voting, buying a car, driving a standard transmission, speaking, flirting, being a guest.

NEXT-a brief detour to complain about present day college football. I know, I know..."who's bothering you now?"