Jazz Fest Like A Local: Seven Survival Secrets

Here's a totally plagiarized post, from gonola.com. Pretty much everything here is spot on. Though I don't think they stress the severity of the heat enough. You must, must, must drink water. A hat would help too if you don't go for sunblock. Seen plenty of human carnage at the Festival. Too much fun, too much sun. Other than that, enjoy! I should do my own Jazz Fest preview next week, and as long-time readers know, I'll blog each night from the final weekend of the Festival.

Original article:

If you’re coming to New Orleans for the annual Jazz and Heritage Festival and looking for tips from locals, you’ve come to the right place for advice. I’ve been festin’ my whole life, at least as long as I can remember. Jazz Fest, to locals, is a celebration not just of music but of everything we are: food, music, art, culture, history – it’s a celebration of life. And you know that we know how to celebrate.


Now, it’s easy to over-celebrate in this city (if you catch my drift) and being prepared is always important. Here are a few key things I think you’ll need to know in order to survive Jazz Fest.

1. First thing’s first: Let’s get a drink. In my personal opinion, beer is the best thing to drink during a festival (that and water) but you can also get wine and frozen daiquiris. If you’re looking for something a little less alcoholic (and by that I mean alcohol-free) try the herbal teas. You can also bring a water bottle to fill at the public water stations but make sure it’s empty when you come in.

2. And second, some food. There is more food at Jazz Fest than you can physically ingest in one weekend, so knowing what you want is important. I don’t like to wait in lines typically but there are some foods at Jazz Fest worth the wait. I recommend anything with our fresh Louisiana Seafood, especially the Crawfish Monica and the Crawfish pies. Check out the rest of GoNOLA’s top picks for Jazz Fest foods.

Hat: check. Water bottle: check. Comfortable shoes: check. Loose clothes: Check. Professional fester: check. (Photo from Flickr by Kaarin T)

3. Weather is unpredictable. New Orleans is hot. There is no use trying to beat around this bush, but in case you didn’t know, the South can get quite warm in late April and early May. Because of this, I recommend wearing loose fitting, comfortable clothing. And sunblock; lots of sunblock.

3A. It’s also been known to rain down here from time to time so I recommend bringing a rain coat, one that will actually help keep you from getting soaked. Here’s a tip: in the inside pocket of your rain coat bring a Ziplock bag with rice. If it starts to rain, you can throw that smart phone of yours in there and keep it from getting destroyed.

4. Comfort is key at Jazz Fest. Like I said, it has been known to get a little warm here so wear clothing that gives you a little groovin’ room and some airflow. And, keep in mind that you’re walking around a track which means a mix of dirt, mud, sand and grass. Wear shoes that you won’t mind getting dirty and will be comfortable to walk around in all day.

5. Entering the crowds. Some of the stages, especially for the major headliners, will fill up with a crowd quickly. If you’re looking to meet someone who’s in the thick of the crowd at either the Gentilly or Acura stages, it will be easier for you to enter from the track side than from the back or the grass side. Trust me, I’ve been doing this a while. Just apologize a lot.

6. Live music recordings. Like what you hear? Some of the artists who play during Jazz Fest will have live recordings available for purchase after their shows. You can see which artists are recording and order in advance (you can also order past shows) at the Jazz Fest Live Festivals Recording tent between the Heritage and Acura stages.

7. Your bag. This might be the most important advice I can give to a festival newbie: if you bring a bag, make sure you’re prepared with important essentials. Here’s what you should absolutely have with you: toilet paper, hand sanitizer, sun glasses, coozie, wallet (with an ID and cash!), towel/blanket to sit on and a rain coat.

Hope this information helps get you through your first Jazz Fest and if you have any questions while you’re in town you can always find us on Facebook or Tweet us! [CR: hit the link above for the original story].

Your Vocabulary Spring Cleaning

But think what you're trying to accomplish. Just think what you're dealing with.

The majesty and grandeur of the English language....It's the greatest possession we have. The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative and musical mixtures of sounds.

And that's what you've set yourself out to conquer, Eliza. And conquer it you will.

--Prof. Henry Higgins, My Fair Lady

If Higgins thought Eliza was a hopeless guttersnipe, its a good thing he never met Emmitt Smith. Or Joe Biden. Or George W. Bush. Yikes!

By the way, I think I'm becoming Henry Higgins. Just throwing that out there. Wears suits. Lives alone. Looks down on everyone. Likes to play dress up with Audrey Hepburn. Gulp. 

As I've written many times, I love all of you, but most of you are idiots. Is it too much to ask that you properly speak or write the English language? I'm not talking about immigrants who have to spend years learning English to learn the difference between "there" and "their" or master the fifty some-odd meanings of "set." I'm talking about people born in the United States who theoretically have been speaking English their entire lives.

Higgins was right. How we speak immediately sets us apart from others. Those who use proper grammar and vocabulary seem much more intelligent and accomplished than those who don't, even if they're really as dumb as a post. Why do the English seem so much smarter than we do? Surely not for any recent national achievements; their pitiful little island can boast only of hospital infection, banking fraud, and aristocratic malaise. They just invited a dead guy to play the Olympic opening ceremonies. No, its because generally they use a much richer and wider vocabulary and they write and speak in complete sentences. Oh, and they spell some words more foppishly than we do--"honourable." From what I can tell, the Scots don't sound more intelligent, at least, based on the snippets I can actually understand. That brogue makes them sound either possessed or like they're in the middle of a Thorazine binge. British schools teach students how to use the English language, so the Brits generally are more literate and articulate than Americans. Not like that's hard to accomplish; the average American yayhoo generally knows just enough to order a Bud Light at Hooter's and talk about how awesome Idol was last night. Think Peter Griffin. You can try dressing expensively and using the finest manners, but if you speak (or write) like you just auditioned for Jersey Shore, no one will take you seriously.

Higgins seemed to focus on pronunciation; we never saw him teaching Eliza grammar. Hence the awkward Ascot scene: "But its my belief they done the old woman in." But pronunciation is just a minor facet of communication. Using the language properly, both in conversation and in writing, truly marks an educated, intelligent person. Well, that and not being an idiot. Yet all around us, people engage in "cold blooded murder of the English tongue." Statistics and anecdotal evidence also suggest our educational system's decline. This is no coincidence. I routinely read briefs and pleadings authored by attorneys, each of whom (presumably) graduated not only from an American university but a law school, and somehow managed to pass at least one state's bar exam. For the most part, its like reading second grade book reports. Or an English translation of a document originally written in some other language, translated by someone who learned English three years ago: "The judge he do wrong when he passing on judgment court. He it face the principle wrong. He it confuse laws with not laws, and mistake right case where maximum wrong case. He should go down. Client are best party to win big case." You think I'm joking, but that's not too different than the spew I must read, every day.

Happily, as usual, I'm here to help. I can't really cure most of your deficiencies here. Many of you need to just start from scratch and go back to school with Thornton Mellon. Hey at least you and Sally Kellerman can practice your Triple Lindy.


But for the others, I've compiled a list of words and expressions that you should excise from daily use. If not for your sake, at least for the poor victims who must listen to you speak. You need to keep these out of your mouth entirely. Using these words and phrases immediately marks you as a rube.


Some of these phrases may originally had some value, but overuse has made them as stale and tired as your bell-bottom jeans. Or Chris Berman. Or watching your weight.  Like your wardrobe or your shrubs, you need to prune these archaic sayings from your vocabulary to avoid sounding like the proverbial 55 year old guy in a red Corvette, clinging desperately to whatever trappings of youth he can muster while cruising for twenty-somethings.  I don't have a Corvette. Groovy, baby! There's far more of these dead phrases than I cover here; these include only the ones I still hear people using. Oh, and, note...if you're completely cool and sophisticated, you can occasionally use these phrases ironically. Wit always plays.


The others are just stupid and ridiculous and have no place in the English language or decent society. I know Shakespeare used to make up words when it suited him, but you're not Shakespeare. You ride your couch eating Lunchables and cool ranch Doritos, and watching Dancing With the Stars while your kids try to make punch in the toilet bowl. Utter these phrases and you reveal your ineptitude to the world.

Extinct Phrases:

To be "down with" something. That is so "40 year old guy hanging on to youth by a fingernail."
Whassup?!?! It was an AD, people.
Bro! No. What, do you still wear your "Fiji Rush, 1988" t-shirt?
Retarded. This is how Lindsay Lohan speaks. Rule of thumb: do the opposite of LiLo.
Lightweight. Ok, Spuds McKenzie, have another brewski then.
Its all good. Hey, call me when you get back from Puff Daddy's "White Party" or text me while you're there.
True that! Put down your bandanna and your eight gold chains, Kip, and go help Napoleon feed the llama.
Just sayin'  Douche. I'm just sayin'.
Win-win, outside the box, outside the lines, holistic (or any other "consultant speak.") Speak English, freaks. And do something about your dandruff.
Chilling, chillaxing. See the next entry.
Anything that sounds like you're hanging out with Snoop Dogg (usually involves two z's in a row or a "z" substituting for an "s"). It makes you sound like the 'Nard Dog.
Crib (as a house). Are you on Jersey Shore? Ok, then.
Yo. Not unless you're on your way to Six Flags for the New Kids on the Block/Hansons concert.
Any shortened word, e.g. "whatevs" "obvi" "cray" You don't have enough time or energy to say the whole word? Really? Its that difficult? Laz.
That's what I'm talkin' about! Yeah, I know. I'm listening to you. Unfortunately.
Surfing the web. Your grandmother does it now. Lost its cachet.

Always was pointless:

Know what I mean/know what I'm saying? Yeah. I do. I speak English too. Better than, well, you apparently.
Irregardless. "Regardless" means "notwithstanding" or "despite" already. Putting "ir" in front of it adds nothing except redundancy. And makes you sound like an Alabama catfish shack waitress trying to talk all fancy.
At the end of the day. You mean, "at night"? Or at 5:00 when everyone leaves work? What does this mean anyway? If it means after considering all points you have reached a conclusion, just say your conclusion.
It is what it is. This confuses Bill Clinton, who doesn't know what the meaning of "is" is. Aside from that, its pointless to try to define something as itself. For example, I don't think Webster's defines "house" as..."house" Yes, indeed, Ayn Rand, "it" is what "it" is. That's a big help.
I personally.  Aside from the fact that anyone who says this immediately puts themselves on par with Miss South Carolina, "personally" is redundant. Either "I" did or thought it, or someone else did. No reason to add "personally."
With all due respect/no offense but. "Excuse me Mr. Davis, Irony is on line 3." All "no offense but" means is you're going to now say something offensive, even though you kind of sort of wish you weren't, but not enough not to stop.
Their/they're/your/you're. Maybe its a twitter or facebook thing. I know most of you can't spell to save your lives, but how do any of you go through life not knowing the difference between these words? Do I really need to go over this, Billy Madison? Please learn to speak the English language properly. At least as well as a first grader.
You know. Yeah, I do know. So you don't need to say it.
Turning nouns into verbs, e.g. "efforting" or "officing" or "Tebowing." See word shortening, above.
Verb sagas, e.g. "act" becomes "to take action on" or "analyze" becomes "to perform an analysis of." Unless you're getting paid by the word, or you're a 14 year old kid who has to do a 500 word book report, please don't convert verbs into their own story.
Yeah, no.... Ok, we get it, you don't know what to say next. You're stalling for time. Just try not to say a word, and then the exact opposite of that word, to cover your mind cramp. Its like "uh, soccer...fun." You sound like you're on Password.
Good stuff! I think this is a sports talk radio thing. When the host has run out of things to say. He'll just exclaim "good stuff" in response to a point someone has just made or to a call or guest, as if expressing general approval of the situation. Hey, for fun, use it as a pickup line and see how that works.
Times. Used as an instruction: "take the number of people, and times them by the number of plates, and that's how much it will cost." The word you're looking for is "multiply," people.
Few vs. less. If you're referring to a quantity or number, use the word "few." "There are fewer people on the boat than the train." When you're referring to a concept or condition, its "less." "Mark is far less trustworthy than Steve." Almost no one gets this right, but its like scratching a chalkboard to hear it otherwise.


There's a third category--words and phrases that have admittedly outlived their reasonable life span, but are so strong you can still use them every now and then, say once a month. Or you can use them ironically.

Once a month only phrases:

_____ is calling and he/she/it wants his/her/its __________ back. Used to death but its brilliant.
That's what she said. I don't care who you are, that's still funny. If you don't think that's funny, that's a "you" problem.
Beam me up. Funny for about three months in 1978. Not so much now, except to ridicule dorks. Who, most likely, will earn more money than you by five years from now. So punch while you still can.
That's what your mother told me last night in bed. Thank you Darrell Hammond.
You are so money. Swingers. Overused but awesome.

NEXT-either the joys of Louisiana.

W. Axl Rose and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Ordinarily I would write some extended diatribe about Mr. Rose and his decision to reject his induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I'd address the important issues, like what the hell does the "W" stand for anyway, and why does the front man for a rock band need a name that's part mulleted Florida meth lab owner and part corporate attorney? (I guess I could have just said "Florida meth lab owner"). Or why does the world need Kid Rock as long as W. Axl is still alive? But it would take awhile, and by the time I finished it everyone will have gone back to forgetting there ever was a band called Guns and Roses, or as I think of them, Motley Crue with less spandex and slightly less Dallas Hair.

So I'll just say a couple of things. When the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame first came into existence, I was highly skeptical. My objections were along the lines of "rock isn't something in a museum, rock is out in the streets, its in your heart. Its about fighting the power, not charging an admission price." Adolescent idealism.

But as rock and roll's musical pre-eminence has given way to country and rap, and after having visited the actual Hall of Fame, I've done a 180 (which I'm sure prompts the Hall executives to breathe a big sigh of relief). The Hall of Fame does a great job of promoting the legacy and ongoing vitality of rock and roll, with concerts (including the annual induction ceremony concerts), exhibits, programs, and other outreach. It contains incredible artifacts that would otherwise never be seen. Off the top of my head, I can think of the actual Sgt. Pepper uniform John Lennon wore on the cover, part of "The Wall" from the original 1979 Pink Floyd concerts, Pete Townshend's original notes of the lyrics for Pinball Wizard, Hendrix's original notes for the Purple Haze lyrics, Roger Daltry's leather fringe outfit from the Tommy tour, and countless guitars, costumes, equipement, etc. All of which is totally cool. The exhibits do a great job of explaining the different musical styles of various performers, and identifying not only their influences but those who influenced them. The Hall keeps flying the "freak flag," at a time when fewer and fewer people even realize musicians are still playing rock and roll. So I'm fine with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Amazingly, I couldn't find the John Mayer exhibit. Go figure.

Sidebar-weirdest "guest appearance" I've ever seen at a concert? Slash playing in roughly half of Carole King's performance at the 1991 New Orleans Jazz Festival. Right, that Slash, and that Carole King.

Though the Hall did take a backwards step when they voted in Guns and Roses in the first place. What's the matter? Whitesnake wasn't available? Deep Purple had other plans that weekend? .38 Special? Hell, Cheap Trick has a more valid claim to Hall of Fame membership than GNR. But that's just a matter of taste, or lack thereof.

But perhaps more importantly, through the years, all the bad ass, anti-establishment rebel types to have been elected ultimately accepted the honor:   Keith Richards, the Ramones, the Stooges, Sabbath, the Clash, Johnny Cash, CSN, Neil, Bob, Santana, U2, Ike and Tina, Lou Reed..they're all in. So if they're cool with it, who is anyone to judge?

If you want to make some sort of statement about the Hall being just a commercial enterprise that debases music and art, or some sort of eye-rolling sentiment like that, well I could kind of understand rejecting the invitation.  Of course, that would be ridiculous coming from rock stars. These are people who've made money hand over fist for big record companies and in most cases lived materialistic and even hedonistic lifestyles most of us could hardly fathom. And, let's get real, like all these guys picked up a guitar just to express some profound artistic feeling deep within them? Not for the chicks? Right. Think Nigel Tufnail from Spinal Tap, and his "Mach" piece (a cross between Mozart and Bach..."Lick My Love Pump").

Though I could still see Axl's move as a principled gesture, kind of. If he was sober at the time.

But then, not being able to get out of his own way, W. Axl releases a "statement" (is anything less rock and roll than "releasing a statement"? Jimmy Page never released a statement). Said statement resembles a cross between an attorney's demand letter and something you'd put in an envelope next to your old lady's telephone to explain why you're splitting in the middle of the night (in her Pontiac, and after cleaning out her checking account while you're at it). As best I can decipher Axl's "statement," ("gibberish" would have more accurately captured the writing style) he can't stand his old band mates and he thinks its best just to "move on." Move on to what? More gigs at the Hooter's Casino (just a few short blocks off the Strip) with his reconstituted GNR, which is really just him and a bunch of hired stiffs? Three or four rehab stints per year, alternating with community service? Ah, the glorious Rock and Roll Lifestyle.

Translation, W. Axl will get far more publicity by rejecting induction than by accepting it. More Indian Casino and Branson, Missouri gigs for the whole gang. David Lee Roth even thinks you're pathetic.

Bottom line: everyone else I listed above has way more street cred than Axl Rose could even dream of having. They're in the Hall, while he's got to buy a ticket to get in. Punk ass bitch.

OK, it was a diatribe after all. Just not extended.

Next-sunshine, rainbows, lollipops, cotton candy, sugar, spice, and everything nice. And all the words you need to stop using now.