Don't Meet Your Heroes?

Kind of snowed under with work (probably not an apt metaphor these days), so time only for a quick post. Respecting Yourself will have to wait.

Haven't you heard the title phrase before? Don't meet your heroes, because they won't ever live up to the pedestal on which you have them. Someone like, oh, I don't know, Mr. Rogers, whom you idolized for his sensitivity and gentleness, might turn out to be a maniacal freak in real life. If you meet your hero, the best that can happen is they're like you would expect. More than likely, you'll find out they're just another person without magic powers or a really cool cape.

That's why the few times I've seen celebrities, I've never tried to meet them. As long-time readers know, I once endured an extremely uncomfortable elevator ride with a falling down drunk Gary Busey and some Hollywood handler-type at the then Loew's Anatole in Dallas. Gary kept looking at me, though I didn't say anything. I kept expecting him to lunge for my throat any second. I also shared an elevator with Burt Bacharach (and my then girlfriend) at the Adolphus Hotel, also in Dallas. Now that was pretty cool, though my girlfriend kept rambling on about something inane, completely unaware we were in the presence of genius (and someone who was married to Angie Dickinson, which perhaps was an even more admirable accomplishment). I saw Dennis Quaid at the Hard Rock Cafe in Austin during the 1980s, but...yawn. A woman in our group, however, made her way over to say hi. And so forth.

Most famous types aren't really the way they're portrayed in the media. Not for nothing is "publicist" a real profession. Many of these people's careers depend on presenting an image that, if not completely divorced from reality, represents an absurdly polished, idealized version of reality. So what's the point of meeting, say, Brad Pitt and finding out he's just as big a tool as you or me? Well, you maybe, not me so much.

But I would like to meet and talk with some famous people. Here's the list, categorized by field.

Criteria? They're people I admire or otherwise find really intriguing either for their accomplishments or their personality. They strike me as being capable of an interesting conversation, or have such tales to tell that would make it worth my while. I didn't list everyone possible, because some people who might otherwise be on the list have a fairly obvious "douche" factor (if you're reading this, I'm thinking of you, Robert Downey, Jr.). Obviously, the list reflects my fairly limited interests.

Oh, and they have to be alive. Otherwise, Jackie Gleason would have made the list. Really!

Music:

Pete Townshend
Jimmy Page
Tina Turner
Keith Richards
Any Beatle
Any Ramone
Brian Wilson
Chuck Berry
Little Richard
Carole King
Ozzy
Fats Domino
BB King
Stevie Wonder

Sports:

Darrell Royal
Earl Campbell
Bum Phillips
Guy V. Lewis
Charles Barkley
Phil Jackson
Angelo Dundee (in lieu of Muhammad Ali)
Yogi Berra
Jim Brown
Bob Gibson
Billy Cannon
Vin Scully
Marvin Miller

Movies:

Bill Murray
Leslie Caron
Stanley Donen
Peter O'Toole
Alec Baldwin
Martin Scorcese
Steve Martin
Quentin Tarantino
Clint Eastwood
Julie Andrews
Kirk Douglas
Jessica Simpson (oh, come on, just give me this one!)

Other:

Any US President
Margaret Thatcher
Hugh Hefner
Henry Kissinger
Sandra Day O'Connor
Neil Armstrong
Bill Gates
Helen Gurley Brown


NEXT: Respect Yourself (hopefully)

Let's Go To The Mall!

Come on Jessica, come on Tori
Let's go to the mall, you won't be sorry
Put on your jelly bracelets
And your cool graffiti coat
At the mall, having fun is what it's all about
Let's go to the mall, everybody!
Everybody come and play
Throw every last care away
Let's go to the mall today

--Robin Sparkles, How I Met Your Mother, "Let's Go to the Mall"

Let's go to the mall. Just like Jake and Elwood.

Now, this will sound kinda out of left field, but have you ever wondered how people would look after the apocalypse? You know, post-Armageddon (and I don't mean the movie, though after you've spent two hours watching Bruce Willis act in something that's not Die Hard or Moonlighting, I imagine a similar effect). Based on how many movies and TV specials center on what might happen after they drop the Big One, lots of people seem really focused on what would happen to "us." That includes what would we look like. Would we look like those bad 1970s special effects makeup people wearing masks in the second Planet of the Apes movie (whatever it was called). Would we look like the albino zombies featured in The Omega Man (basically, like Johnny Winter with a bit more coloring)? Or would it be even more hideous, like Paula Abdul on a bender?

Well there's no need to wonder anymore. Just go to your local mall at any time other than Christmas (which of course, due to some geophysical anomaly, lasts at the mall from September to the week after New Year's) and look around you. The crowd of walking dead, zombie, rotting flesh, corpulent manatees-out-of-water wearing Academy clothes and shoveling down food court cuisine who surround you...yeah, that is exactly what humans will look like after the apocalypse.

That's right. You may not have been aware, but your local mall has somehow turned into the cantina from Star Wars. Or the Oklahoma University campus. And its populated to an overwhelming degree with all the mutants you normally see only at the driver's license office.

What the hell happened? I have to confess that many, many years ago, I went to the mall relatively often. I was young and naive...you know the drill. Believe it or not, I've never had a lot of "hang out" friends and yet hate being alone. I know...shocking. So I would go to the mall just to be around people and enjoy the free air conditioning. It also put me a little less at risk of dying alone and not being discovered til local dogs noticed the smell. I wouldn't really "shop" or anything, just kind of walk around and look at girls. Errr...people watch.

The mall was never like cocktail hour at the Carlyle, of course, but it exhibited a certain normalcy. That is, most of the people seemed relatively normal (which I guess means they looked more like me than they do now). They appeared to have jobs or money, their clothes (which were mostly unstained) covered at least 50% of their body, their body fat percentage appeared to be under 30%, they exhibited little or no drool, appeared to lack a significant arrest record or prison tattoos, and did not have 12 little kids in tow (all of roughly the same age but all looking suspiciously like one parent). The stores weren't all Tiffany's (yeah, let's not forget the immortal Chess King), but they did have a certain threshold class level. In some cases they were even somewhat elegant. The employees seemed mostly awake, and appeared to not only want to sell you merchandise but were both capable of and willing to answer your questions.

Not so much anymore. That time is looking more and more like some sort of mall Golden Age.

Recently, I had to go to a mall to get some pants (or something like that, I forget), and Holy Schnikees! What the hell happened? All the kids who pick their nose and then put their hands in the dip at their family reunions have grown up, not changed one bit (except to put on about 300 pounds), and now hang out at the mall. The Jenny Craig and tasteful clothing concessions at the mall must go out of business quickly. Wearing their tattered, ill-fitting Monday go to WalMart outfits while towing their obese-in-miniature brood of kids with them, they really resemble the rhinoceros herd at the zoo. Is that an elitist thing to say?

To add a little flavor, roving gangs of tweens killing time before the latest vampire/angst/love triangle movie showing wander in and out of the food court and kiosks, wearing their trendily shabby clothes and texting their absent buddies. Better hit the PacSun before mom comes around in the minivan. Then there's the random patrols of dudes in their mid- to late-20s, well coiffed and attired with the right designer duds, spray tans, toned physiques, jewelry and cologne, animatedly talking to their partners. Not sure what's going on there, but I have a feeling they catch a lot of Home and Garden TV and use a lot of "product." Beleaguered mother-angry daughter pairs makes up the remaining mall social caste, roaming the mall in a futile effort to understand one another at the family therapist's recommendation, otherwise known as "shopping."

Its not like the stores are much better. What used to be nice shopping establishments have devolved into a collection of rooms where chain companies sell stuff that you once had to dial an 800 number after midnight to purchase. These hideously wretched clothes look like something from a Ralph Steadman drawing, and exhibit the fine tailoring skills of chained-to-their-bench Filipino child slaves desperately hoping there's not a fire during their 18 hour shift. You know...Nike. The few stores that still sell quality merchandise are emptier than James Gandolfini's workout room. Ok, I stole that joke from Family Guy. Emptier than the Oscar shelf in Tom Cruise's trophy room. The store employees are totally listless and robotic. [Spoiler Alert!] Think Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. They have become automatons capable only of ringing up your purchase and opening a fitting room, skills the average fifth grader possesses. I've seen more enthusiasm at jury duty.

The mall itself has become dismal and depressing. Rather than nice wide walkways and lots of light, you now have to twist and trip along small cracks in the crowd thanks to the mall installing countless "kiosks" in the halls. Because everyone needs 10 opportunities to buy a cell phone cover or a wig, or change your texting plan on your way over to the food court. All the while feeling your way through the darkness wrought by inadequate amounts of federally mandated energy-saving light bulbs. Its like being in a Nuevo Laredo flea market, but without the same sense of personal security. Some more upscale malls have tried to go "natural" and "outdoors," which doesn't do much good during August in Texas, and they just expose you to humidity, bugs, and melanoma. The sanitary conditions resemble a Fifth Ward Exxon station bathroom. Does anyone clean these places, or do they just rely on "natural selection" to weed out those incapable of resisting the bacteria? And the food. Geez, is anyone listening to that busy body Michelle Obama? She's all "eat your peas" (or is that her husband), but no one's on board at the mall. You can't walk five feet at the mall without the chance to buy some heart attack on a stick. Usually its from some place that doesn't exist outside the mall. Like Sbarro. And astonishingly, most of the mutants walking around are double clutching some choice mall cuisine. Guess its like energy fuel.

Not sure exactly how I haven't noticed this before. I guess at Christmas they put out enough shiny and sparkly objects and blast the Christmas tunes so loudly that it distracts the seasonal normal people. Otherwise, I can't help but think I'd have noticed the refugee camp-like squalor by now.

Thankfully, the mall is becoming obsolete. You can buy just about anything on line now, or at more easily accessed stores not in the actual mall. The original mall concept worked well-cluster a bunch of stores in one spot that collectively could supply most people's retail needs. Make it a pleasurable place to linger, and people would spend hours there. That formula worked quite well for a long time, to the point that along with WalMart's rise it killed off most downtown commercial districts and individual retailers. Plus, malls were at one point a relatively safe place to dump your kids for awhile while you and your spouse shopped; in other words, it was fun for the whole family. But as I said, there's not much point to the mall now. I can think of only a few reasons to go.

You can see the actual merchandise you want to buy, try it on to see how it looks or see if it fits your needs;

In those few stores with real salespeople, you can get somewhat more advice than on line;

You need gift wrapping;

You want to enjoy someone else's air conditioning, or your roof leaks at home;

You graduated from high school and want to feel superior;

You really need a fix of extra grease pizza topped off with a six pack of Cinnabons and a quart of Pepsi;

You're a senior citizen and need some place to go on your daily 20 minute walk where you won't get lost, get run over by a car, or there's likely to be someone close by who can call the ambulance when you, inevitably, fall and break your hip;

You're eluding the cops while trying to put the band back together.

Let's not even talk about the outlet mall. That's like the Assistant Crack Whore of the commercial world.

NEXT--either Respect Yourself, or How to Run A 5K Run

You Can't Handle the Technicalities!

Tom was being very un-Dude in For a Few Good Men. Then again, maybe he was rehearsing for his Oprah Moment. Tom, you should just focus on keeping Katie and Surie locked up, and spouting your Scientology babble in places where most of us won't be so overwhelmed with your Crazy that we stop going to your movies. Oops...looks like that train has sailed. Signed, Knight and Day.

But while such bombast and overacting typically don't occur in your local courthouse, important things happen there every day. Based on how you all bail from jury duty (no pun intended), most of you probably haven't noticed. Even though most of you gripe and complain about how the system lets so many guilty people go free.

Just wait until its your turn in the dock, though. You're not gonna feel all "if they were arrested they must be guilty" when you're the one they haul off in the middle of the night.

I touched on this recently in my polemics on why I'm so glad I'm livin' in the USA and why we should be thankful that we live in a place that would let a Casey Anthony or an OJ go free if the state can't prove their crimes beyond a reasonable doubt. I pointed out this is one of the most important freedoms that Americans enjoy. Shake your heads in disgust when our system allows monsters like that to walk, but would you rather live in Iran, where American hikers are held for years without trial as ransom pieces, or Singapore, which canes idiot teenagers for spitting on the street, or any one of dozens of other countries where "justice" is whatever the local potentate in charge deems worthy at the time?

Judge Reggie Walton, the federal district judge presiding over the Roger Clemens trial, brilliantly captured just why our due process legal protections are so important. You know, those irritating "technicalities" that let gang-bangers and high-flying fraudsters go free from time to time. As many of you know, Roge is on trial for lying under oath to Congress and various related counts. Sidebar-lying to Congress as a crime is pretty rich. As Martin Sheen said in Apocalypse Now, that's like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500.

Anyway, Judge Walton declared a mistrial (in essence, he terminated the trial and required the government to start over) due to the prosecutor's failure to abide by evidence rulings he made before the trial began. Everyone should read the Judge's remarks to the jury as he excused them from further service. Keep in mind this was totally extemporaneous.

Unfortunately, there are rules that we play by, and those rules are designed to ensure that both parties receive a fair trial. And that is particularly true when it comes to someone who has been charged with a crime whose life and liberty, or their liberty is on the line....I apologize to you for what has transpired. It's unfortunate, but at bottom, in the United States of America we try to ensure that everybody who comes into our courthouse is treated fairly and that they get a fair shake from a jury. And when a judge reaches a conclusion that there is a possibility, a distinct possibility, that information that unfairly prejudices a defendant has come before the jury, in direct violation of a ruling that the Court has made, I have no other alternative, despite the tremendous loss of time and effort and money, to terminate the proceedings.

You think Hugo Chavez or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would get all worked up over "a distinct possibility" that a defendant could be "unfairly prejudiced"? Uh, not so much.

We can all thank God that our government, which on a day-to-day basis usually means some nimrod sitting at a desk, can't just decide who's guilty and who's not, and stick you in some hell hole for 50 years based on nothing but a whim. The mere fact that the government has to put on a case to a jury of American citizens, that the case has to meet certain evidentiary standards, that it must demonstrate the accused's guilt beyond a reasonable doubt, and that if it doesn't do so it cannot convict, is perhaps the most important freedom we enjoy as Americans.

It might mean that thug low-lifes get away with all kinds of horrible crimes. It might mean that criminals never receive their due. But a certain amount of criminality, while horrible, pales in comparison to the darkness of a nation where the government knows no bounds and arbitrarily metes out punishment at its desire.

I'm not a black helicopter type, but does anyone think that couldn't happen here? Anyone remember Waco? The FLDS raid? Watergate? Internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II? The 1968 Chicago police riots at the Democratic National Convention? Police attacking peaceful demonstrators on the Edmund Pettus Bridge? It happens today, even at the local level. In Tulia, Texas, a local federal/state drug sting basically just made up evidence to throw dozens of citizens in jail, leading Gov. Rick Perry to pardon all the defendants.

Shakespeare's King Richard III said, "the first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." Everyone LOVES to quote that line to run down lawyers. These idiots don't know that in the play, Richard said this in describing his plan to take over England and stamp out liberty. To oppress and enslave a people, the first thing to do is to eliminate a free and fair legal system.

Congratulations to Judge Walton for his actions, and thanks to him for capturing the importance of a free and fair trial.

OK, Oprah, I'll get off your couch now. My bad.

NEXT--Let's Go to the Mall!

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The Meaning of Respect

But the problem with y'all cats today, is that you got no skill. No sense of history. And then, with a straight face, got the nerve to want to be somebody. Want somebody to respect you. But it takes respect to get respect. Understand?

--Barbershop (2002)

You know the well's run dry when you're citing Cedric the Entertainer as authority. But truth is truth, no matter its source.

Our series on how to live your life keeps getting more fun and frisky with each passing chapter. Previous installments have taught you to grow the hell up already, to be true to yourself, true to your school, and true to your country.

Next we turn to a lesson of no less importance. You have to have respect to get respect.

Everywhere you turn, you find some idiot worked into a frenzy over "disrespect." Upset the boss promoted Kevin over him. Angry that everyone loved Angela's painting instead of his. Confident that the Wendy's counter clerk intentionally spilled his drink all over him. Why is everyone so worked up over David's song? "Mine was twenty times as good and no one said a word!"

Sorry to tell you, but while you go through life smelling your refrigerator's contents before you eat and wearing underwear several times before washing them (because, you know, they've still got some wear left), you need to recognize others. Especially the ones who are better than you. Which is a whole lot of people.

Look, you may have killer game, but no one's going to pay two minute's attention to you unless you come correct, and respect others. Believe it or not, we're all doing things when you're not around. The Sun doesn't revolve around the earth, much less you. You have to have respect to get respect.

There's two kinds of respect. There's the deference owed to certain excellent people as a way to honor them. There's also the ordinary respect you owe your fellow residents of Spaceship Earth.

The former category of people warrant your respect because they embody qualities and achievements that our society values highly. Things happen around here because of money (more specifically, people wanting money), curiosity, or altruism. No matter the reason, to achieve ends that society wants fulfilled, it requires some truly exceptional people with extraordinary talents, drives, and dedication. Not just rock stars or LeBron James either. Teachers, firemen, police, doctors, soldiers, caregivers...all the people who work long hours at often crummy jobs because they feel driven to help others. Even the ones who get bank often sacrifice other, better opportunities so that they can serve (like some top executives who go into public service for a time).

Our society needs these people and the work they perform. For whatever reason, we don't reward them monetarily at a level matching their performance. Respect helps fill that gap. We reinforce and repay all those who serve and excel through respect. It instills and deepens the value society places on those qualities, and draws people to them. Soldiers don't enlist for the money. They enlist because they want to protect and serve the country. We need people who think along those lines. We owe them respect because they're doing something we don't (or can't) do ourselves, and we want to foster an ethic that values soldiering highly. You could say the same about lots of other people and professions. Respect deepens the significance our society assigns to these valuable personal traits.

But insofar as the title goes, you can't just show up and demand respect. Respect is earned. Anyone can show up. Its what you do once you show up that spells the difference between bystander and outstanding. Your name or your money don't merit respect. But putting in the time, day after day, year after year, developing your skills, racking up skins (as it were), that's what earns respect. Freshmen deserve little respect, seniors much more so. When Hank Aaron walks in a crowded room with nowhere to sit, the reaction isn't "who cares" and indifference. Get up and give Hank your chair. He's Henry Aaron. You're not. He's the true home run king, a baseball executive, civil rights icon and legendary gentleman. You just updated your Facebook status about eating cheese.

The latter respect, treating others well, is pretty much the Golden Rule, right? You want to live in a world where everyone acts with a reasonable level of civility. You know, somewhere not in New York. Who wants to be yelled at, cursed, insulted, pushed aside, prodded, poked, humiliated? Other than you sickos out there (don't pretend you're not reading), nobody does. So why should you feel like you can do it to others?

This isn't just some Pollyanna wish. Purely selfish reasons should lead you to treat people with basic respect. A real life lesson is that karma usually finds you. Treat people badly, and sooner or later, no matter how much money or power you have, its going to find its way back to you. Case in point: the three worst client representatives I ever worked for were all absolutely abhorrent individuals. They made my life a living hell at various points. I would dread every day, anxious over when the phone would ring and they'd be at the other end making some outrageous accusation or demand. As you'd expect, they didn't treat me any differently than others within their organization with whom they worked. As these things play out in the 21st Century, the economy prompted their employers to cut the budget. When it came time to decide whom to retain, each one found themselves unemployed. Not only that, two of them never found another comparable position while the third found something on the extreme margins of the industry working for a very low salary. See how that works? It can happen THAT fast. Give someone a reason to think life would be better without your presence, and chances are that will happen. Burn bridges and you'll find it hard to get back to where you came. Oh, and in this context, everyone is a bridge.

Your colleagues may be lying, cheating scumbags. They may be offensive, annoying, and repugnant. You may want to staple their earlobe to their desk. But you never know when its going to come down to a choice between you and someone who doesn't use the staple gun. Plus, one of these days, you might need that lying, cheating scumbag to do you a solid. In a big way.

This also applies to the little people. Today's flunkie, clerk, and nobody is tomorrow's Lieutenant Governor, CEO, or IRS auditor. And don't pretend that the "nobodies" won't notice you abusing others. And remember it. Hey, I've got a five page list of people I'm taking down if I ever get the chance.

No, not really. That would be mean.

Or would it?

Keep this in mind. You didn't get to where you are now all by yourself. Everyone who's ever achieved anything in life can thank dozens of others who nurtured, mentored, and showed them the ropes. They respected you enough to share their wisdom, their time, and their attention. Without that kind of ethic, though it may strike one as hyperbole, our world would become a lot darker. "Every man for himself" really doesn't work, although every day it looks like more and more people think that way.

Are we clear about this?

Ah, forget it. Do whatever you want.

NEXT-Respect Yourself (or whatever other issue of monumental importance might happen to come up before then).

A Potpourri of Scorn

Been missing from the blog due to some overwhelming work demands. Don't you hate when they want you to work for your paycheck? Anyway, before getting back into the drudgery of the "How to Live Your Life" series, there's a couple of things that have backed up that I want to hit. Talk among yourselves.

Roger Clemens

Some of you may know that Rog, who by all measures was one of the most outstanding pitchers in baseball history, now finds himself pitching to a federal jury, battling against federal perjury charges. The Feds have accused Roger of lying to Congress about his steroid use (err...alleged steroid use...please don't sue me Rog!). Pretty much everyone else who's been busted for the 'roids has either fessed up and said they did it to help the team, or evaded the question. Like Sammy Sosa, who is more fluent in english than Professor Higgins in every interview, but seemingly didn't understand a single question when he testified before Congress. Roger, however, adopted a defiant, "I have not used steroids ever" defense. And, like you'd imagine, it was right up there with, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" or "Read my lips, NO NEW TAXES!" Inevitably, the Justice Department started investigating him. Cut to three years later and Roger is in the dock for perjury, making a false statement and obstruction of Congress. Not exactly how he wanted to spend his retirement.

So having dared someone to knock this battery off his shoulder and seen the Feds take up his invitation, he shows up for court looking like...that. Roger, what the hell? I mean, its one thing that you made all those millions and you still bought your suit/shirt/tie from Banana Republic, but what's going on with the hair, big fella? Look, just bed head by itself might have been ok. I've seen that look before. Usually its on skater guys or pedi-cab drivers under the age of 25, but whatever. At least it is a style. But what's up with the sweat? Did you get in a racquetball game on the way to court? Pick up basketball game? I'm sure its hot in DC right now, but really. You might want to take a Handi-Wipe or three to that mop. Looking like Sharon Stone or Ellen DeGeneres is no way to roll into court when you're looking at all that prison time. I mean, that work only looks for Prince Harry because he's got about twice as much hair as you. And Roger, was it really a good idea to spend your retirement eating ice cream 12 hours a day? That situps regimen doesn't look like its getting the trick done any more. Your head looks like it probably has its own gravitational field.

Now, other than it being fun to make fun of someone who was so full of himself for all those years, what does all this matter? Its just amazing how people don't consider how their personal appearance influences other people's evaluation. Would you wear a t-shirt with a marijuana leaf on it to go meet your new girlfriend's parents for the first time? Unless you live in California, probably not. Because that conveys a message about you and creates a negative impression from the very outset of your relationship with the parents. When you see someone who looks like a slob, you tend to think immediately that they're a slob. See a woman who looks like a hooker, your first reaction is "she's a hooker." Why don't candidates for President or ministers or accountants wear a beer t-shirt and flip flops to work? Why don't professional women (well, most professional women) wear plunging necklines and clear heels to work? How you look influences how people react to you, and how likely they are to believe or trust you. Its like that line from Bull Durham, "Think classy, you'll be classy." Look like the King of Prussia Macy's outlet's weekend assistant manager who just back from a three-beer lunch at Chili's, and chances are you're not going to be taken all that seriously. Look like 1992 Chris Farley and you likely will find your credibility with a federal jury somewhat diminished. No matter how many strikeouts you have or batters you hit or how many broken bats you've thrown at Mike Piazza.

Heathers

Speaking of appearances, here's yet another reason why you parents need to think twice, or in some cases 15 times, before you name your kid. You all know how I feel about this. Pick a real name, not some weird inanimate object ("Apple") or a last name ("Smith") or a place ("Houston"), so your kid won't get pummeled in the schoolyard. Soap opera names should be right out. Why? Because it provokes eye-rolling every time your kid has to introduce himself ("Hi, I'm Zowie Bowie"...one of these days soon, David isn't going to have enough swing to cover for his kid..."Oh, I'm David Bowie's kid" isn't going to stop the snickering). Its also selfish. Your kid isn't a canvas for you to decorate as you will, at least not once they figure out how to dress themselves. Would you tattoo your two year old? No. So why stick them with something else they can't get rid of the rest of their life that will fall out of fashion within a year? Put another way, name your kid something that's popular for two years tops, and you're likely digging a hole for your kid's future professional credibility.

All that's true, but we can add another reason to pick a reasonable, non-whorey name. I read an article yesterday quoting an analyst from a public official's office. "Speaking on behalf of ___, analyst Heather_____ said, "[something ridiculous]." Heather? Really? Heather's not such an unusual name anymore I guess, but "Heather" still sounds like a cheerleader mom, or the trampy girl in 7th grade that would kiss anyone, or your friend who always screams "WOOO!!!" at the top of her lungs every five minutes at happy hour. You to waitress: "Hi, yeah, I'd like to order a bottle of the Laurent Perrier champagne." Heather: "WOOOO!!!!"

Its a little hard to take "Heather" seriously as she tells you about some complicated policy issue. Maybe its me, but I get distracted imagining her doing jello shots and going to Target to get hair bows for her three little girls (by three different dads), before getting ready to pole dance that night. Or Britney. Or Savannah. Or Crystal. Or Brandi. Basically any name a stripper or ESPN sideline reporter plausibly could use.

This principle concerns men too. Its kind of hard to take Dwayne seriously when he's sitting at the opposing counsel table. I'm not going back to Dr. Dwayne. Same for Bubba, or Rod, or Troy, or Ricky, or any other NASCAR or Swamp People name. Or that some guy in porn might use. Or a guy who goes by initials. Initials guy is like Mr. Slate at the Quarry where Fred Flintstone works, but not anyone you'd hire to design your resort house.

So please think before you name your kid. It may seem cute to you, but he or she will be the one who has to wear it for a lifetime.

BTW, I occasionally work with someone named Heather. She's very capable and I don't think she's like I described. So, since I've gotten to work with you, I know you're an exception H!

This Just In: Jurors are Idiots Too

Everyone's all a-twitter about this Casey Anthony verdict. Literally. Including Kim Kardashian, who among her other talents apparently is a legal know-it-all, who was expressing outrage that the jurors found her not guilty. Hey, Kim, I don't know whether you thought about this, or anything else, but your Dad defended O.J. Simpson. Those who live in glass penthouse condos...

I haven't followed the trial, and didn't know anything about this until the National Conscious reacted with horror that 12 average people not smart enough to get out of jury duty found her not guilty of killing her kid. Little did I know the country was hanging over this verdict. Proof that its been a slow news year, or that we're in summer re-runs.

I have no idea whether she's really guilty or not, and neither do any of you. Unless you watched every minute of every day of the trial, you don't know all the evidence or testimony that the prosecutor relied upon to support the charges. Even then, you still don't know, because unless there's a video showing the crime being committed, all evidence is necessarily either circumstantial (like she didn't report her kid being missing for a long time) or based on some witness' possibly faulty recollection (the witness testifies he saw her do it, but turns out he had a concussion that day). Unless there's DNA evidence, and even then there can be problems (like the guy at the DNA lab spilled beer all over the sample). Juries have always had to make reasonable inferences from evidence and evaluate the credibility of witnesses. Judges have always had to decide whether evidence is sufficiently reliable for the jury to consider it. And the state has to prove guilt, and not just by the "more likely than not" standard. It has to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.

Like it or not, this is our system. We should thank God for it. Unlike other countries, our Government officials can't just decide they know who did it and put you in some hell hole for 50 years without proving their case. Without proving a compelling case. This isn't Russia, is it? Anyway, remember how everyone is so quick on Memorial Day and Veteran's Day to thank soldiers for their sacrifice to protect our rights? Trial by jury and the "reasonable doubt" standard are among the most sacred rights in English and American law. The right to have a jury of your peers decide your guilt based upon evidence adduced at a trial in which you have the right to confront and cross-examine your accusers, and not by some official mandarin subject to pressure to please the angry mob (or a judge seeking re-election), is one of the core liberties we enjoy. If the right of trial by jury goes, so goes America as we know it.

What does that mean? Any system that relies on people is going to have flaws. People on juries make mistakes. People are dumb. People forget things. They don't always listen. When they listen, sometimes they remember something different than they heard. But that's true of witnesses as well, even so-called "forensic experts." Its especially true of cops. Its certainly true of judges. That's true of jurors too. You're not guaranteed a jury of 12 Harvard professors, or 12 people who made a perfect score on the SAT. You're guaranteed a jury of your peers. Average people. Simple people. The common clay of the new west. You know...morons. Sometimes they reach different decisions than most of us would. Sometimes that's a good thing, because they probably heard some key detail that the rest of us didn't Sometimes that's because they're just too stupid to know better. Sometimes its because they only heard evidence that the judge decided was of sufficient trustworthiness to be considered. They didn't spend six months listening to talking legal heads on MSNBC or CNBC or the like, pontificating about things they don't know about. But juries are going to let the blatantly guilty walk free from time to time. They're going to put innocent people away from time to time. Its not perfect. But no institution dependent on human beings as an integral component will be perfect. Like Catholicism. Or the Democratic National Convention.

I have a little experience in this area. I've always thought jurors take their position seriously. It may annoy them that they have to be there, but nearly all of them understand the seriousness of their position, and the responsibility it imposes on them. Nearly all jurors try to do a good job. That's all we can ask of them. And its more than most people can say about how they do their own job.

So get over it.

Having said that, they should have put Casey Anthony away for naming her kid "Caylee." See above.

NEXT-at some point, I will write about respect.