Top 5 People Who Run Outside in Austin, Texas When Its 25 Degrees Out

Geez, look at that guy. What's his problem? And what's up with the racing stripes down the side?

The advent of 25 degree weather in Austin, Texas has not been expected, or warmly received. Ah, I slay me. Get it? "Warmly received"? The cold? Is this microphone on?

Anyway, those of you living in more frigid climates undoubtedly scoff at us Texans shivering when the thermostat hits 50. You're able to get on with your business when it hits 10 degrees and stays there. Of course, you generally do so with help from your four-pack-a-day habit and about 50 extra pounds of subcutaneous insulation. But hey, its a little hard for us to get used to cold when its 80 degrees one day, 40 the next, and 72 the next. Plus, we don't get six months to build up our winter fat layer like Yankees do. Though some of us carry around a layer of enchilada perma-fat, and those people do relatively ok in winter around here. They'll be ready just in case some menacing snow drift goes on the attack in South Austin.

Warm weather always lures throngs of walkers, bikers, hikers, doggies, and other random folk to the Town Lake Trail for the sunshine, breezes, and lovely scenery. But when cold weather hits, most of us pack it in for the great indoors, content to exercise on the elliptical machine, or the stationary bike, or the x-box (there's supposed to be some sort of x-box or playstation interactive workout now, which basically sounds like an old Jane Fonda workout video that you can control--pink spandex anyone?), or by doing repeated 12 ounce curls. Bar olympics is a form of exercise, right? After all, it'll be 75 again soon and we can get back out there.

These past couple of weeks, climate change (recently known as "global warming" before its rebranding) has managed to turn Austin into a deep freeze. And by deep freeze, I mean Matthew McConaughey had to put on a shirt. One inevitable result has been the near abandonment of the Town Lake Trail. When it gets really cold, that place turns into a Bossier City casino on Christmas morning (or a theatre showing a Nicolas Cage movie)--completely empty. Even the birds and squirrels head for cover.

But not all Austinites forsake their outdoor runs when it gets a little chilly. My own scientific study has revealed at least five different personality types who continue running outdoors, even in crushing 25 degree cold.

1. Fatties. That's not nice. Sorry. I mean "jolly people." The five percent of people who are still clinging desperately to their New Year's weight loss resolution. They're out there. Plodding along. Making tracks and blowing smoke. Helping the rest of us because we have to run around them to get by.

2. The Hard Core. This is the five percent body fat crowd. Ectomorphs. These are the people you curse with every fiber of your being at "fun runs" whom you see on the second half of the course, running back the other way after they finish because they didn't get enough of a workout just running the run itself. They sell shoes part-time at Run-Tex or some such store and help out with various running groups around town. They get lots of free running gear. They spend about half of their free time running and the other half talking with other freaks about bizarre topics like "fartleks" or "negative splits." And they usually run in packs of four or five, like gazelles or cheetahs.

3. Low Self-Esteem Emaciated Early 20s Girl. You rarely see early 20s guy running in anything other than optimal conditions, if then. Unless he's part of group #2 or his wife or girlfriend made him go. Early 20s low self-esteem guy gets together with other geeks at some coffee shop and talks about computer code, or skateboarding, or organic produce, or fantasy role-playing games. Or his blog. But low self-esteem, under-nourished early 20s girl, particularly if she's attractive, hits the trail. Come rain, sleet, snow, gale force winds, or lightning strikes. She's just got to do something about what she perceives to be her walrus-like body. You look at her and think "who's the toothpick?" She looks in the mirror and thinks "I can't see all my bones...I really need to lose another 50 pounds." Important safety tip: keep your heads up, because strong winds may blow these girls crashing into you.

4. Addicts. This is the guy who started running or walking to take his mind off scoring coke every half hour, or what have you. He doesn't necessarily look athletic and has terrible form and totally inadequate gear. But he does twitch an awful lot, and through sheer nervous energy manages to burn hundreds of calories without actually going very far. If he missed a day running, he'd really be hurting for something to take his mind off those voices...calling voices...beckoning...all day...all night....

5. Bloggers. Like...you know who. That's right. I hit the trail. Mainly to avoid having to run inside on the hard surface track. And to enjoy the chance to wear my sweet cold weather running gear. Is that weird?

So by abandoning the trail, you're missing a really entertaining freak show. Sort of a daytime Rocky Horror Picture Show. With expensive shoes.

Hope you enjoyed this latest pompous diatribe, helping me build my own self-esteem at the expense of others. First it was poor Gwyneth Paltrow, then it was the Girl Scouts (the GIRL SCOUTS!!!), and now this. Appalling.

Oh well, once you've started something, see it through. I guess.

Next--bad things about the disabled, the poor, children, single mothers, and the homeless.

Its Girl Scout Cookie Time. Run For Your Life!

Now back to the vital issues of the day. Like why is Dolly Parton abducting those poor little girl scouts? I just know I'm going to get hammered for this post. But here goes.

Childhood obesity has more than tripled in the past 30 years. The prevalence of obesity among children aged 6 to 11 years increased from 6.5% in 1980 to 19.6% in 2008. The prevalence of obesity among adolescents aged 12 to 19 years increased from 5.0% to 18.1%. The Surgeon General estimates that 12.5 million children are overweight. Childhood obesity statistics show that obese children and especially those in the teenage years have a 70% chance of being obese as adults. What is worse is that percentage increases to 80% if either one or both of the parents are obese as well. Governments and other social service organizations spend millions on policies to reduce childhood obesity and its causes. The First Lady has made this issue one of her priorities.

So why does one of the world’s premier children’s organizations, the Girl Scouts of America, sell cookies as its primary fundraising initiative?

Now, stop right there, angry helicopter parent. Put down your macaroni and glitter macrame kit and listen closely. I love the Girl Scouts. Absolutely thrilled with the Girl Scouts. They’re tremendous at teaching girls self-esteem, giving them the opportunity to develop social and other skills and make friends, to spend time in a supportive environment with other girls. Yeah. I’ve got nothing against the Girl Scouts. I buy lots of their cookies every year.

But in these times of rampant childhood obesity, where we as a society are trying to teach children not to overindulge, should we be encouraging girls to hawk cookies? Training them about the wonderful happy times that eating cookies inspires? Teaching them to promote cookie consumption? "Eat a cookie=Happiness"

Isn’t that a contradiction? Not at all. Signed, Mixed Messages.

We try to teach kids not to do drugs, and somehow don’t get them to sell crack for fundraisers. We teach them abstinence. Should we have the swim team sell condoms for its summer fundraiser?

Have you ever read the nutritional information for these cookies? Four dulce de leche cookies has 160 calories and eight grams of fat. Two “thanks-a-lot” cookies have 150 calories and six grams of fat. One extra large egg, by comparison, has 85 calories. A cup (one serving) of the ever-popular Boo Berry cereal has 118 calories. One regular Krispy Kreme donut has 200 calories. Cookie Monster thinks those cookies are a little on the filling side. Why not just call it “Death in a Box”?

To add insult to injury, the cookie drive kicks off right after the holidays. Right after people have spent the last month or so shoveling chow down their face morning, noon and night. Just when people are trying vainly to get their weight under some modicum of control, or at least to a point where their guts don’t muffin top their way over their waistbands, along comes these cute little girls, with their cute little cheeks and yearning faces, imploring you to buy…cookies…so they can go to camp with all their friends. Weakened by going days and weeks of cold turkey, you’re completely unable to resist. Right away, your diet is toast, and you’re back into addiction hell. Its like bringing the Jim Beam to the AA meeting.

The Girl Scouts say the cookie drives are rewarding in teaching girls things like “Goal setting,” and “money management” and “business ethics.” So would an investing class. No doubt that’s true, and its admirable. But Gordon Gekko has nothing on these girls and their “coffee is for closers” sales tactics. They tell everyone the cool kids buy Girl Scout cookies, they’ll help you with your problems, and all your friends are buying Girl Scout cookies. They stand on street corners, or outside stores. “Hey man, want some cookies?” Their parents become fixers at work, setting up all their co-workers with cookies. Everyone knows who at the office can hook them up. You see cars coming and going from Girl Scout houses all day and night. You know which part of town you can go to for the good stuff. Its like we’re training a bunch of little drug dealers. Little girl drug dealers. They’ve everywhere. They’ve got every neighborhood, every street, every house, covered. They’re like the Red Army. Or Mormons.

I know they have to sell something to raise funds, and no one’s going to buy celery and tomatoes. But there’s some other things that might work out. What about investment counseling? They couldn’t do any worse than those monkeys that pick stocks and get more of them right than certified investment advisors. Or what about following in Lucy’s footsteps and providing personal counseling. Five cents please. The doctor is “Real In.” Or how about something more girl-like…flowers? After all, it worked for Eliza Doolittle. She learned how to speak and met that nice young man Freddy. Even though in the end she decided to stay with that fossil Henry Higgins. He and Col. Pickering were a load of laughs, sneaking sherry, dressing up their Audrey Hepburn doll, and laughing uproariously at their hilarious linguistics jokes. Those two should have just gotten married. Or lived like Randolph and Mortimer Duke.

Anyway, there’s probably lots of things that girls could sell that would teach business ethics and goal setting. But which wouldn’t have them dealing obesity.

Oh, I forgot to mention. Girl Scout cookies may be a lot of bad things, but they ARE kosher. Shalom, y’all.

OK, let the bashing begin!