Let's Have a Party

But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. It's not just the uniform. It's the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.

Lee Harvey...you are a madman. When you stole that cow...and your friends tried to make it with the cow.

I want to party with you, cowboy.

The two of us together, forget it.

---Bill Murray, Stripes

Daily Affirmations wants to party with you too this holiday season. I know that most of the society balls and parties have already concluded, but the New Year's party season is staring us down, and frankly, some of you men out there really could use some help. And since your wives or girlfriends either won't tell you this or you won't listen to her, once again its up to me.

Let's start with your appearance. There's a number of disturbing trends that have no place in polite society, much less at a nice New Year's party.

The "faux hawk," and all other "Horton Hears a Who" hair styles, have got to go. Basically the faux hawk is like wearing a Cadillac tail fin or a land shark costume, making you look like Ed Grimley without the triangle. Hairscaping went out with M.C. Hammer; have someone other than Edward Scissorhands cut your hair.

Would you please shave? If you're not a Formula One race car driver, Brett Favre, or in an Apollo space capsule on the way to the moon, you need to shave. Nothing screams out "Lorenzo Lamas" faster than some insurance salesman wearing a fake silk shirt and not shaving for three days to impress the ladies. Throw in some hair gel and Axe body spray and you're ready to hit the Rockin' Rodeo Club in Pasadena, Texas.

Stick with the classic tuxedo. Leave the Al's Formal Wear high school prom version alone. Let me see if I can't put this simply. No one cares what you look like, or how snappy a dresser you are. Your whole function at a party is so that your date can attend as part of a couple, and the only thing you have to do is not embarrass her by dressing like Mario Lopez (you will of course recall that Mario Dopez is on the DA hate list for mistreating Cajun Queen and the woman who should have had my three ungrateful and ADD-riddled children, Ali Landry). Everyone wants to see what she's wearing; no one cares about you. You're just a mancessory. So don't go calling attention to yourself by wearing some "Puff Daddy at the MTV Music Awards" tux. Besides, women compete at these things by how they're dressed, but men compete on who has the most money, coolest job, or hottest date. No guy ever went to one of these parties and remarked "I can't believe that other guy is wearing my outfit." Well, except maybe at an Oscars party.

Shine your shoes too. Clothes may make the man, but shoes make the clothes (I thought up that one). Nothing takes the class out of a nice suit or tux faster than scuffed up, dull or otherwise shoddy looking dress shoes. Little kids can wear scuffed shoes, but you're a big boy, so break out the polish and have at it. Or in the immortal words of Crash Davis, "Your shower shoes have fungus on 'em. You'll never get to the Bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy and you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the Show you can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win twenty in the Show, it means you're a slob." And wear black shoes to formal occasions. Brown shoes don't make it.

Leave the bling at home. I don't just mean obvious bling, I mean everything except a tasteful watch, simple cuff links, and a wedding or class ring. Once again, no one cares about you. While people hopefully will ooh and aah over your date's necklace, no one's going to fawn over your turquoise man-ring or your gold necklace that you got from Zales the same day you bought your used 'Vette. John Wayne and Clint Eastwood never wore pimp rings. Unless you want to come off as Flavor Flav, neither should you.

Cologne should only be discernible to someone in your personal space, not from across the room and down the hall. I know Sex Panther may work every time 60% of the time, but for every totally hot chick its impressing, its giving 10 of the rest of us either a headache or an upset stomach. Leave the Aramis and the Hai Karate in your medicine cabinet, and see if you can't get by on just soap and water. If you must, apply one or two drops to your neck, and leave it at that.

Finally, for God's sake, tuck that shirt in. Are we done with the untucked shirt epidemic yet? This is really a public menace. If you're 30 pounds overweight, let me suggest buying Spam Light as an alternative to buying the XXXL size shirt and leaving it untucked to cover that 40 acre spread you've got working.

For women, there's really just one cardinal rule: avoid at all costs looking like a hooker. At a minimum this calls for not wearing anything bearing any risk of exposing yourself. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but the current generation's role models are famed for flashing their privates every time they sit down, so it has literally come to that.

Let's also deal with some basic etiquette.

Do not arrive before the time on the invitation (called "dork early" on a Gilmore Girls episode), but don't arrive three hours late either. The idea to a party is to have a certain mix of people through the balance of the night. Showing extremely late works against having that mix.

Don't be the last one at a party. Chances are if you're the last one there, its because everyone else has decided that enough is enough, so you're the odd man out. If you look up and notice you're the last guest at a party, leave immediately, unless the host is Diane Lane and she asks you to come upstairs because she "needs your help with something."

Bring something with you too. What you bring is of course totally dependent on the type of party and level of formality. If its a keg party, bring your favorite brewskies. If its catered, a small but tasteful gift for the host's home will do.

No cornering any guests. As noted earlier, the point of a party is for disparate friends to meet new friends, which is accomplished by the awkward "mingling" process. Kind of hard to meet new people if you're trapped talking to Bitter Married Guy, or Just Got Out of Rehab Guy, or Laid Off Guy, or Just Got a New Boat Guy, or anyone else of that ilk. Introduce yourself, talk about the things you have in common, offer to introduce your date or other friends with you, then excuse yourself by kindly offering to get anyone another banana daiquiri, and move on. Typically I look for that glazed "I gave up a night of TV for this?" look in the eye of someone I'm visiting with as the sign that I've worn out my welcome. Sort of like the scenes in Airplane where the passengers commit suicide to avoid further boredom listening to Ted Stryker moan about his past.

Don't overdrink. Hey Drinky McDrinksalot, after high school, its no longer considered cool to get ripped and then break stuff or yak at someone else's house. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. Holiday cheer is one thing, making yourself a nuisance when others are trying to have a nice time is completely different. It makes the host worry about you potentially driving away, or taking care of you to prevent you hurting yourself or someone else or their house. Do what everyone else does-drink to excess at your own home.

RSVP. Nothing makes it harder for a host to plan a party than not knowing how many people are going to attend. Well, that and not being able to smuggle in enough absinthe. The host has extended you an honor, a small one, but an honor nonetheless, by inviting you to their home, enjoy their hospitality and meet their other friends. The least you can do is let them know whether you intend to show.

Its not your house. I am constantly amazed at parties of all types at guests who seem to have absolutely no qualms whatsoever about literally making themselves at home. By that I mean going to rooms where the party plainly is not taking place, moving items from their intended location, even rummaging through drawers or cabinets. When you're a party guest, you are a guest. Its a party, not an open house. If you don't own it, leave it alone. If you want to see other parts of the house, ask the owner for a tour. Otherwise, keep your hands off and stay out.

Finally, please have the common courtesy to save the intra-couple drama for after you leave and when you arrive at Denny's. Nothing's a bigger buzzkill than a couple doing their George and Martha impression in public. Maybe the cops arriving is worse, but a domestic scene runs a close second.

So, there's my advice on a successful party strategy. Now get out there and have some good clean fun!!!