Ice Dancing-Like a Green Bay Game, With Slightly More Ice (and More Sequins)

What would Brian Boitano do
If he was here right now,
He'd make a plan
And he'd follow through,
That's what Brian Boitano'd do
--“What Would Brian Boitano Do,” South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut

I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.
--Cal Naughton, Jr., Talladega Nights

NBC once again is bringing us the Winter Olympics, which is really just code for figure skating. Or as I call it, “ice prancing.” Having paid a bundle for television rights to that collection of bribe hawking cronies known as the “International Olympic Committee,” NBC has stumbled onto a money making machine. Figure skating in the winter games, gymnastics in the summer games, and “up close and personal” Lifetime Network-style personal dramas in between Americans taking turns competing. Both generate huge ratings among American women. The Olympic figure skating competition essentially is their Super Bowl. All the real sports, like hockey, get sloughed off on CNBC. Want to see non-Americans compete? Buy a satellite dish and watch CBC or the BBC.

So with “all figure skating all the time” programming, the apologist parade has begun in full force. The gist seems to be that it’s a sport because the ice Liberaces have to perform athletic acts-jumps, leaps, spins, twists, etc.

Right. So do the guests at a Jewish wedding reception. Or on Iron Chef.

Enjoy figure skating all you want. Bring home some wine and cheese, light your eucalyptus love candle, turn down the lights, and spend the night with your favorite prancers. Knock yourself out. Just don’t think that you’re watching something that’s a sport, any more than wrestling or the Miss America contest is a sport. No, figure skating is Xanadu. With ice.

Figure skating is a way to spend Sunday afternoon with your girlfriend, like Rocky and Adrian in the first Rocky movie. Though Rocky didn’t actually wear skates, he just kind of shuffled along on the ice while Adrian skated, which was kind of weird, since he paid the guy working at the rink a ten spot to let them in and rent the skates when the rink was closed. Couldn’t he have ponied up another five for another pair of skates?

Or it’s a way to have fun at the Galleria. Right after you’ve tried on shoes at the annual Neiman-Marcus shoe sale, and before you eat lunch at Chili’s.

And the Olympic Figure Skating competition? Basically that’s the audition for the Ice Capades. Or Disney on Ice.

But its not a sport. Without going through the lawyer-like exercise of resort to authority (i.e. the definition of “sport”), let’s just say “sport” is a contest where individuals or teams compete in an athletic endeavor against one another using a scoring system in which the players earn points through objective criteria. Like crossing the goal line, putting the ball in the hole or the hoop, crossing home plate. These are examples of earning points through your own acts under objective criteria. Having to depend on some judge to award you points, applying his or her subjective criteria about what qualifies for a point, simply isn’t a sport. Its just a contest. Sports involve determining winners through objective means—who scores the most points. Not who is awarded the most points.

Gymnastics, bodybuilding, dance-offs, …these may all involve athletic motions, but they all depend on largely subjective evaluations to determine the winner. No doubt exists that the skaters practice a lot and utilize athletic skills. But so do Dancing With the Stars contestants. Or to make a more serious point, so do ballet dancers. Hey, Gene Kelly was probably every bit the athlete of some of his famous contemporaries like Mickey Mantle, Sugar Ray Robinson and Johnny Unitas as he famously demonstrated in his intriguing television show, Dancing: A Man’s Game. But as incredibly gifted as the dancing was, “Moses Supposes” simply isn’t a sport.

Think about these four people: Willie Mays, Jim Brown, Michael Jordan, Brian Boitano. Which one doesn’t belong? ‘Nuff said.

Then there’s plenty of rules of thumb to which we can resort. Its not a sport if you have to spend as much time designing your costume or selecting your background music as you put into practicing. Ted Williams never had to check whether his uniform feathers were in place before going to the plate. Or worry Joe DiMaggio would have some thug bash his knee. Its probably not a sport if you call it “rehearsal” and not “practice.” Or if you’re presented a lovely bouquet after you perform. Or if the difference between winning and losing turns on whether the French judge has been bribed. Again.

Or you have a choreographer.

Sports involves great rivalries like Lakers-Celtics, Cowboys-Redskins, or Yankees-Red Sox. Two of the prancers arguing over who stole the other’s hair style, or whether their feathers are on properly, isn’t exactly Bird vs. Magic. Its more like a Krystal vs. Alexis slap fight on Dynasty. It might be fun, but its never going to get a good pay per view rating.

Sports is also about toughness, resolve and overcoming adversity to win the game. Its about playing hurt and reaching beyond the pain. I’m sure the ice dancers get blisters and mess up their hair and probably get writer’s cramp from signing autographs after the “Champions on Ice Tour” performances in places like Tulsa and Quad Cities. But their rhinestones and ruffles combination outfits say otherwise. Kerry Collins asking Dom Capers to be excused from playing thinks these guys are Charmin soft.

The truth is, figure skating is basically women’s porn. In overwhelming numbers, they enjoy watching pretty men (and women) in pretty clothes with pretty hair moving gracefully about the ice. Those guys aren’t like their schlub of a husband, smearing cheetoes residue on their bulging stomach covered by a 1985 Chicago Bears NFL Champions sweatshirt as they reach for their fourth Natty Light of the evening, ensconced in the La-Z-Boy. Proof? What’s on the other channels during the Super Bowl? That’s right. Figure skating. Ever seen the commercials during figure skating? It’s like watching Lifetime Network. No, these guys exude charm, grace, sensitivity, taste…you know. They’re exactly what you want your man to be in nearly every way. Just gayer. And with more sparkly things.

Next-I really will try to talk about American Idol. Right after deciding who to vote for in the Republican primary for Governor. Rick or Kay. What I mean is, I need to decide who has the better hair. Kay’s got some fierce locks, and her two hour hairstyling appointments definitely make a strong case to become Governor. But the Perry Mane is dominant. It takes no prisoners. It has never known defeat. Like a ninja sword, it cannot be resheathed until it tastes blood. At least three documented miracles have been attributed to the Mane. What to do? What to do?