29 Days of Fun: Bilking the Insurance Company for Fun and Profit

I'm postponing the final southern travelogue installment because a very good friend sadly reports that she's suffered some sort of slip and fall workplace accident, thereby rendering her unable to work for the next 29 days. Personally, I suspect drinking at work has finally taken its toll, or yet another contemptible but unprovable insurance scam. Either way, its just another government employee with nothing to do during the work week. She's asked friends for suggestions on how to while away the days. Doing things other than work, that is. I'm happy to help.

Though I must say, poet laureate and voodoo priestess Darci Ratliff has beaten me to the punch with 29 much more creative and profitable daily activities. Hopefully, this list will help if you lose Darci's list.

So, without further a-do, here's 29 suggestions on how to spend those dreary days spent bilking the taxpayer, err, recovering from an unavoidable workplace mishap. Enjoy!

1. Ask the clerks at the "Everything's a Dollar" store how much stuff costs.
2. Spend a day at some high-falutin' grocery store eating "samples."
3. Let the animals at the zoo out of their cages.
4. Get a $1,000 bill.
5. Ask the teller at your bank for change for a $1,000 bill. In pennies.
6. Wear one item of clothing for each primary color. For example, one red sock, one blue sock, a purple shirt, a green hat, orange pants, etc.
7. Interview for a job in said outfit.
8. Spend an entire day riding the same city bus (or subway for those of you city folk).
9. Now, this one will require true game, so be careful. Go to Neiman-Marcus (or some other huge pretentious retail establishment). Try on one of their most expensive dresses. Then go to the housewares department and lay out a placesetting in the furniture department with their finest china and silverware. Next, go to the gourmet department and get some cheese or other snacks (or better yet, bring your own) and a bottle of wine. Return to your placesetting, and enjoy a lovely in-store picnic. Remember, club soda gets out red wine stains on expensive dresses.
10. Spend the day in character as your favorite Three's Company character (see above). Personally, I liked Mr. Furley best. That guy had mad skillz with the ladies. But among the women, my heart goes out to Janet. She definitely exercised authority and kept her cool despite the antics of all around her. And you know she'd leave her hat on, as it were.
11. Test drive an expensive car and keep it all day. True, this is partially stolen from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but the twist is that you dress up like a nun when you do it.
12. Stand next to people at the Museum of Fine Art as they admire the various works, and tell each one, "I could do that Ethel."
13. Stand at the passenger arrival area at Bush Airport holding cards with common names like "Smith" or "Jones" or "Gawlikowski" and offer rides to those who assume you're their ride. Then take them for ice cream (and make them pay when you get to the cashier).
14. Make a citizen's arrest.
15. Buy a humidifier and a dehumidifier and watch them fight it out.
16. Watch the zombie movie 28 Days Later and dream of better days.
17. Attend an AA meeting drunk. Or, alternate activity, bring donuts to a Weight Watchers meeting.
18. Volunteer for jury duty, then continually shout out that the defendant should be tarred and feathered and put in the public stockade.
19. Pass out "Satan Loves You" pamphlets. At Baylor. Dressed in a Wonder Woman costume.
20. Watch a ceiling fan spin for about an hour, then spring up and sprint as fast as you can towards the door. Enjoy the relaxing feeling after you black out.
21. Play solitaire monopoly. In the board room at city hall.
22. Use an Indian accent and call the 800 number for computer help.
23. Switch all the "regular" and "decaffienated" signs you see.
24. Apply a handlebar mustache and wear a stovetop hat and cape, and tie a mannequin to the Houston Metro railroad tracks.
25. Return to Neiman's with a sharpee, and change all the dress sizes up one full size. So, a 2 would be a 4, a 4 would be a 6, etc. Observe the resulting dressing room hilarity as the liposuction crowd recoils in horror and heads to the bathroom to purge.
26. Post garage sale signs all over the neighborhood with the address of your most hated neighbor. The night before the "sale," put all your crap out on that neighbor's lawn.
27. Speak a crazy made-up space alien language all day. Alternate (though plagiarized) activity, speak only in cliches, all day.
28. Reset all the thermostats in the office.
29. Say "that's what she said" after everything said to you. Or, "get back Honky Cat."


A little lagniappe:
30. Do the Twist. On the escalator at the Galleria.
31. Sponsor a "Rally to Restore Sanity"


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One more thing. I noticed this morning that the clerk at the bagel place's name is "Rhiannon." Really, 1970s parents, was that entirely necessary? I'm sure you could have all waited til the 'ludes wore off to name your kids. Now look what you've done. A whole country full of Rhiannons, Brandys, Rikkis, and Joannas. Spectacular.