Yale: I'm not a saint, OK?Isaac: You're too easy on yourself. Don't you see? You're... You rationalise everything. You're not honest with yourself. You talk about you wanna write a book, but in the end you'd rather buy a Porsche. You cheat a little bit on Emily and you play around the truth with me. The next thing you know you're in front of a Senate committee naming names.
Yale: You are so self-righteous. I mean, we're just people. We're just human beings. You think you're God!
Isaac: I gotta model myself after someone.
--Manhattan (1979)
Growing up, I greatly enjoyed looking through my parents' high school yearbooks. Mainly because it confirmed that those 1950s kids looked like a bunch of illiterate hicks, with their greased up hair, plaid shirts, and rolled up jeans. I smugly felt victorious, knowing that we 1970s kids were superior in every way, what with our polyester fake silk shirts, long hair, male necklaces and fake suede, rubber soled shoes. But more than that I enjoyed getting a glimpse of Mom and Dad as teenagers, before they became the dictatorial menaces who forced me to eat broccoli and wouldn't let me order cokes at Monterrey House. I remember delighting at their friends' extensive signature/salutations (seemingly everyone in school signed Mom's, while only girls and teammates signed Dad's. One extremely questionable-looking young lady who was not my beloved Mother, but who at least thought herself my Dad's girlfriend, tossed off an extensive signature filled with references to their future married life, their future kids, and their future home. Basically, a total whore.). Anyway, all the seniors included a favorite quote, which appeared under their photos. My Dad selected "to thine own self be true." I knew that phrase well. This was his stock explanation why he never grew his hair longer during the 1970s. Short hair during the 70s condemned him, at least in my eyes, to remain hopelessly out of style, therefore making it even more imperative that I quarantine him from my friends. So I've always associated this quote with his making me get my hair cut short when all my own friends got to have long hair (over their collars). I wondered why I had to be true to HIS self instead of mine. Or thine.
Little did I know at the time he'd inadvertently stumbled onto the most important rule of living a happy life. Or at least, living a life that doesn't suck as bad as it might otherwise. "To thine own self be true" is the Cardinal Rule. Despite the fact that it sounds like something written on an Ed Hardy shirt or tattooed on Angelina Jolie's foot.
It comes from Hamlet. Polonius, a weaselly adviser to King Claudius (think of a cross between Frank Burns from MASH and Bob Haldeman), advises his son Laertes before Laertes travels to Paris. Polonius reels off a string of Ben Franklin-esque maxims he wants his son to follow. He continues after the main phrase, "and it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." You can envision Laertes rolling his eyes and checking his watch during this speech, thinking "ok, let's wind it up old man, I don't want to miss the boat." In context, the phrase essentially means "don't lie to yourself." But "true" has another connotation in this context--putting your own interests first. If you can't be honest to or protect yourself, you can't deal with or care for others.
But it goes well beyond that. What's the worst thing you can say about someone? They're a loser, a thief, a beggar, abusive, dull, stupid? No. Its that they're a phony. I mean, other than that they're a concentration camp guard. Or a politician. Or a terrorist. Or that you gave yourself your own nickname.
Without being honest with yourself, you live a fundamentally unreal existence. You miss opportunities to truly improve your life. You ignore chronic problems that eventually will grow to the point where, when too great to ignore, they're too late to resolve. Though hysterically funny, Michael Scott is essentially pathetic, convinced of his brilliance, of his leadership abilities, and of the love his employees have for him. He has many strengths, which otherwise might propel him to great success and happiness. But his inability to recognize and acknowledge his flaws consigns him to his lofty status as the Regional Manager-Scranton Branch. All because he utterly lacks any self-analytical capability. That's what she said.
Likewise, by not looking first to yourself and doing what's right for you, you can't truly take care of others and you sacrifice your own happiness. Living a life someone else charts for you imprisons you in your own Phantom Zone with General Zod, incapable of realizing your own goals and eventually resentful of having to satisfy only others. Without at least a little bit of "selfishness," people can grow to resent the ones on whom they ostensibly spend their lives serving. Your so-called life of service becomes not a choice that fulfills and satisfies your soul, but instead turns into a drudgery performed as some sort of duty, and one that weighs more and more heavily as it wears on. Equally intolerable, living a life not your own or that suppresses your true self deceives others in how they relate to you. Think of the disappointment and anger you've felt in life upon discovering that someone you thought you knew really well turned out to be totally different than their appearance. Its a form of deception, like Satan in the Garden of Eden, coming to Eve not as Beelzebub, replete with horns and a trident, but as a serpent. A friendly nice serpent that could walk, wear an ascot, and tell hilarious stories about weekends spent with Bill Murray playing golf and going to Cubs games. It combines some of the worst sins--lying, stealing, fraud.
My worst decisions have generally resulted from not making the right choice for me but to satisfy what I think others want or in deluding myself about what's right. These were never comfortable decisions, and they quickly proved wrong. My best decisions have come from doing what strikes me as right and natural. Even if difficult.
You've seen this all the time. The bull-necked, ruddy complexion construction worker-looking guy wearing an ill-fitting Armani suit his wife obviously picked out for him. The Glee fan club member trying to become an undercover DEA agent. The CPA at the Victoria Secret after-party. Tom Cruise anywhere. None of these people are making choices based on what suits them. Instead, they're fulfilling others' expectations, or trying to be someone they're not (please don't sue me Tom).
None of this is to say you should roll over or alienate people or fail to help someone when they're down. Other people aren't speed bumps to roll over in life on your way to the sports bar on Sundays. Nor does it mean you can't love someone else and be devoted and true to them as well. To the contrary, only by living a life true to your ideals and desires can you become a fully realized person capable of dealing with others as equals, helping them as a choice, or loving them as a partner rather than as some abstract obligatory burden or as a subservient dependent.
This "rule" has too many applications to list. But here's just a few. Don't listen to or read or watch crap just because others do. Don't let your spouse dress you. Don't vote for someone just because everyone else is. Don't follow crowds. Follow true friends instead. The party crowd will be the first ones to jump ship. Don't follow every little trend. Don't praise the Emperor's new clothes. If you're a square peg, don't spend your life looking for round holes. Don't rationalize. See yourself like others do, not like you hope you are.
There's no shortage of people who will use you for their purposes. They'll drain you of everything you have. Maybe unintentionally, maybe not. But that will wear you down and poison you. Treat yourself at least as well as you do your best friend. Protect yourself. Do what's best for you. In reality, you're your own best friend. You're the one who best knows what's best for you. Or, in the immortal words of the Fifth Dimension, "you gotta go where you want to go, do what you want to do." (Feel free to congratulate me for timely cultural references in the comments section).
I know. This is coming off like Yoda. "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." This may have been a big mistake.
Next--either "Act Your Age" or "Jazz Festival Preview." Depends on whether this reads any better in the light of day.
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