World Tour 2012: Into the Plague Zone

Well, its that time again. Time for me to take a "one percent" style vacation, unsaddled with screaming kids or complaining significant others, to some super awesome cool destination most people only dream of. Like The Woodlands. As many of you (by "many" I mean "six") may remember, the reason I started this blog was so I could "report" about my vacation adventures. In recent years I've been fortunate enough to visit some great international spots, including Argentina, New Zealand, Ireland, and Scotland. Domestically, I've seen Western Washington, the Maine and Oregon Coasts, Redwoods National Park, Lake Tahoe, Savannah, Charleston, and New York. And, I've tried to post as I went along, sharing the intriguing sights and sounds with all of you.

You can tell a lot about a person based on how they spend their vacation. Most people I know like to find some beach or cruise ship and become a crisp piece of inert burnt toast. They'll spend all day in the sun, reading a book and drinking cocktails with umbrellas or craft beers, then wearing some loose fitting floral themed outfit at night to a theme dinner and dance. This combines the things I hate the most into one expensive and tiring experience: heat, lying around doing nothing or things you could do at your house, loungewear, and talking to other people. Like going on a super discount Mexican cruise with Frank and Estelle Costanza. Or with a gaggle of legal secretaries from Little Rock (all married to guys with names like "Vernon" or "T-Bo"), celebrating someone's 50th birthday. I try assiduously to avoid all such elements, probably to my detriment.

No, for me, its all about exploring somewhere new. I think of vacation as some sort of anthropological expedition, with hiking. And nice restaurants. And clean sheets. Or as my friend Theresa once put it, my vacations resemble Patton going into battle. I suppose they do exude some element of Sherman laying siege to Atlanta. Mainly I just try to observe, blend in, and enjoy the vibe of some other land.

"Vibe" seemed appropriate by the way, but I promise to eschew further chach word choices. No I do not have a mustache or seven gold chains visible in my chest hair thanks to unbuttoning my shirt half way. Not today at least.

What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah. Sadly, all the Disney theme cruises were booked through year's end, so this year, my two week lawyering respite takes me to the Golden State. California Dreaming. There I'll spend a week hiking in and enjoying the general splendor of Yosemite National Park, followed by a few days in the Central California Coast enjoying the amazing scenery of Carmel, Monterey, Big Sur, and Santa Cruz, and finally winding up with a few days in San Francisco. Fighting hordes of sticky faced kids at the ice cream bar waiting to see Goofy and Donald Duck will have to wait at least another year.

Now, as some of you have correctly noted, Yosemite is having a bit of, shall we say, a problem. Well, its just a little bit of, you know, [cough] fatal rat-borne disease deaths [cough]. [The "cough" thing doesn't work as well in writing I guess]. Specifically, several people who stayed in a particular tent cabin location contracted "hantavirus," spread by rats, and died.

This might put off some people, who, curiously, don't want to vacation in a known rat-borne fatal illness location. Go figure. People are getting soft. But not this guy. First off, the Park isn't exactly sitting around doing nothing. Like the trained federal government employees they are, the Park Service has sprung into action, closing down the affected cabins, cleaning the area, and trying to trap affected rodents. Their goal is to "reduce the risk of other visitors becoming ill," which I know, you're saying "WHAT? JUST REDUCE??!!" which is just stinkin' thinkin'. Hey, they're the Feds. I feel lucky they're not going to bill me for the clean up costs. After all, I didn't build those cabins. The government did. Plus, Yosemite is this great big park, with lots and lots of empty space (well, there's trees and mountains and stuff), and the exposures have only been at one specific spot where I'm not even staying. I'm sure the Service has the place roped off. Right? Surely its roped off? And diseases never travel through the air so I'm good. Also, this will perhaps keep more people away from the park, fulfilling another of my vacation objectives (avoid human interactions). And finally, let's face it, any of us are at much greater risk walking on any downtown street in America. I shudder to think what kind of germ warfare toxic oozing pus diseases are crawling on every air molecule we breathe on Sixth Street. [You like that? You see what I did there?]. The fact that I don't contract cholera or dengue fever or bubonic plague every time I go downtown is just a matter of grace. So Yosemite will still seem like a NASA clean room by comparison.

Now, as previously mentioned, I don't think I'll blog every day. Its difficult to jazz up the description of scenery. Like the astronauts trying to describe how beautiful the earth appears from space. My vacation posts describing hikes all go like this: "And then I took the Smith Trail, and it went through some thick woods. They were pretty. The trail went up and then down, kind of like life. HA!!! LOL!! Then after a long time, it came to a viewpoint and you could see a mountain. The mountain was tall. It had lots of snow and it was pretty too. Hey, did you see the Star Trek episode where McCoy got annoyed at Spock and then cured some incurable disease in about a half hour?" Its like a fifth grade book report at Lindsay Lohan Elementary. That's so RETARDED!!! So I'm not sure how often I'll post. Maybe just to introduce the copious photos I hope to take, with my brand new, totally awesome Nikon camera and super fancy lens. Which, no doubt, I'll drop into a stream the first day out. Eeyore posts.

After that, I'll drive to Monterey, California, and spend three days. I'll visit such places as Carmel, Big Sur, etc. as listed above. Monterey is right on the coast, and is home to the famous Aquarium and Cannery Row of Steinbeck fame. The whole area boasts some incredible scenery, such as the Pebble Beach golf course, Big Sur, and some amazing coastline views.

Then I'll head to Gomorrah, i.e. San Francisco. Normally when I go out to the Bay Area I stay with Kimberly and Terry (read Kimberly's blog, linked off to the side, or I shall kill you!!) and we never go into the city proper. Which generally is ok because there the rat-borne diseases are afraid of the even more deadly poisons lurking on every corner. But I do enjoy Golden Gate Park, and Pacific Heights, and Twin Peaks, and maybe the Giants will be playing in their incredible baseball park near the Embarcadero. So I'll spend the last three days in the city.

Like a Boss.

That's pretty much it. Keep checking in for reports from The Road. If I don't make it back, sell my stuff and give Ron the proceeds (if he ever makes it out of the flood-praying for you Big Guy!).