The Rules: Proper Locker Room Behavior

"That's what I call the Repo Code, kid. Don't forget it, etch it in your brain. Not many people got a code to live by anymore."

--Harry Dean Stanton, "Repo Man"

"My dear girl, there are some things that just aren't done, such as drinking Dom Perignon '53 above the temperature of 38 degrees Fahrenheit. That's just as bad as listening to the Beatles without earmuffs!"

--Sean Connery, "Goldfinger"

Remember that book The Rules? It came out in the early '90s or so and was a huge seller. No one much remembers it now and certainly no one practices its message. I never read it, of course (better things to do), but it basically was a bunch of past their prime sorority girls who couldn't get married, telling other women that they could best get married by rigorously following certain rules. I recall it as a bunch of practices Contemporary Single Man abandoned right around the Kennedy Administration. Things like: don't call men make them call you, make him pay on dates, insist that men make concrete plans in advance and not just wing it...basically one long way of saying don't give it up until you're married or engaged or something.

I don't particularly endorse those rules, but I absolutely endorse living your life by some rules. "Repo Man's got a code" as it were. One of many things separating me from you non-equals out there is I believe that in every situation, problem, and place, there's a right way to behave and a wrong way. Most of you hippies think "hey! Live and let live!" or "every choice is valid, man!" or "Don't judge me bro!" While, of course, you judge others and condemn various life choices with the other side of your mouth. But that's another story. For now though, The Captain follows a very stringent life code;  some things just aren't done. And on the flip side. If you're going to do something, do it the right way.  This covers just about every situation. Like, never vote for a lawyer. For anything. Not even for a judgeship. Never eat at a chain restaurant while on a trip. Never at a restaurant next to the freeway, no matter where. Never date a woman who owns a pair of white dress shoes (for non-ironic reasons or for some sort of nurse costume). Always hold the door for ladies. I've got about a million of these. Its not that I'm fussy or anything. OK. I'm fussy. Rules mean you never doubt how to behave. You always know what to do.

Vitally important reasons warrant raising this issue. Its finally dawned on me that you're behaving unacceptably in gym locker rooms. Yes. That's right. Unacceptably. Access denied.

People. Dammit. Look. Your local gym or health club's locker room, or wherever you go for pilates and hot yoga and power lifting...that's not your home. You should engage in three activities, and only three, in a locker room. To wit:

1. Changing into and out of your workout clothes.
2. Showering and cleaning.
3. Using the restroom.

What should not occur in the locker room:

1. Anything else.

Especially no conversations. Don't roll up on me half undressed, or more, asking whether I thought these are the end times that Jesus mentioned. Which happened. One week ago. Don't ask me if I'm a preacher or if I'm on television. Which happened. In 1991. Don't ask me how I've gotten so much leaner. Which happened. Three months ago. Don't talk to me about anything, and don't ask me to talk to you. Especially don't talk to me about my body or anything having to do with it.

But its not just the inexplicable penchant for chatting up men in various states of undress and sweat. The locker room is not the Men's Lounge. Don't hang around like its a Starbuck's or the bar at the Four Seasons. Don't hang around on the bench, filling out your workout log. Don't mix up your super-intense Beefcake!! protein shake. Don't be playing video games on your phone, or making calls for that matter. Do not wear, or keep in your locker, workout clothes that you last washed in 1985 and which can stand on their own. Wrap yourself in a suitably sized towel, rather than parading around for all to see. You're not the Emperor and we don't want to admire your new clothes.

And for God's sake, at least wear some shorts when you sit on the bench. And some flip flops or shower thongs. Anything to stop from coming into contact with the room. Or the room from coming into contact with your sweaty carcass.

Go into the locker room. Change your clothes. Put your gym bag away. Then leave. When you finish working out, go back into the locker room. Change again or quickly take a shower and change. Comb your hair. Look down the whole time. If you must speak, a simple "hi" or "enjoy your workout" will suffice. Then leave.

Why?

Well, two reasons.

Mostly because, you know who hangs around in locker rooms? Maverick and Iceman and all their little buddies, preening and posing ever so suggestively in their skimpy towels. Uttering double entendres like "that's right, Ice...Man. I AM dangerous!" or "You may not like who's flying with you, but whose side are you on?" Or with Hollywood hanging around in his shorty towel watching Goose prepare to mount Wolfman. See above. Geez, get a room fellas. See, those guys hang around in the locker room. A bunch of man-hugging, feelings sharing, hand towel instead of full towel using ballerinas. That should be enough, right there. Hey, this isn't a gay thing. Its a don't emulate Top Gun thing. (The "Best of the Best").

The other, equally compelling reason not to hang around in the locker room is that locker rooms are the most disgusting, vile, and filthiest place on earth where Kardashians don't routinely visit or reside. Given the choice between spending time in a locker room or the CDC Bioterror Germ Research Lab, I'd pick the lab every time. Cholera thinks locker rooms are dirty.  The Chernobyl Exclusion Zone stays out of locker rooms. Short of diverting raw sewage right down the middle of the floor like the Chocolate River running through the Wonka Chocolate Factory (only, not chocolate), there's not much more you could do to toxify the average locker room. Why in the hell anyone would spend one more second there than necessary escapes me. Don't you have homes?

So there you have it. Quickly get in and get out of locker rooms. Hold the conversation to the bare minimum. No pun intended. Do not contact each other or any room surfaces.

Finally, these rules only apply to men's locker rooms.  Women should of course feel free to linger in their locker rooms in various states of undress, comforting and reassuring one another, complimenting each other's training results, and arranging to meet later after their husbands or boyfriends leave for work. The hot ones that is. Don't you people know anything?

NEXT-either the "Texas Longhorn season round up," or "Merry Christmas, here's your movie!"