--Michael Scott, The Office
OK warning. This one's all about me. Though, by my example, I hope to set you non-equals straight about the goals to which you should aspire. So maybe this is about you after all.
Staring down the barrel of yet another year, its again time to assess my life. Not to make New Year's resolutions, mind you. Cause we all know how I feel about that. No, its time to review The List. The things to accomplish before I check out.
Oh, and here's the proof that John Stamos got the Full House hair style from me. Deal with that!
I don't know how that's relevant to this post, but it was time. It was time....
Most of my life, I've optimistically looked forward...and seen the light of the oncoming train. Getting into college. Getting into law school. Getting a job. Keeping a job. Relationships. Bills. Obligations. Stuff to do. At some point during this slog, however, I've realized I've been traveling light. No wives to buy jewelry for or placate with expensive home decorating projects. No resulting divorces taking all my money. No ungrateful kids screaming at me as I pay for Air Jordans, clarinet lessons, and Stephen F. Austin (university-wise, my kids would have gotten a Ford, not a Mercedes). So the resulting quiet time around my house has paid off with my very own "Peace Dividend." If I can keep a job just a few more years, I can retire early and just ride out over a long, slow fade. I'm not gonna die at my desk, like some lawyers I've known. And I'm comforted knowing that I can already shut it down and still count my life as a success by Michael Scott's measure. Yeah, you know I let my light shine through....
So I have to find some way to occupy all that free time. Now, I know you're out there thinking, "Chris, you've had such a full life already. I mean, you've been to Wichita Falls. Twice! What other worlds are left to conquer?" True that. But as you know, I never go anywhere without a purpose, and the well of my "to do" list has yet to run dry.
This doesn't exactly constitute a "bucket list," as such. I could die tomorrow without doing any of this stuff, and it would be just fine. I'd prefer to hang on awhile longer. If nothing else, I'm anxious to see whether these Disney Star Wars movies suck on the Jar Jar Binks scale. And see my nieces grow up. But if I'm gonna keep hanging on to life to the bitter end, like a Kardashian hanging onto the last speck of dignity, I'll need to find something to do. Here you go. You people should take these as examples on improving your own quality of life. Oh, and this should erase any doubt about my Baller Status.
I also throw in some things I can't do in life anymore, but I wanted to. I just never got around to them.
Finally, to balance it out, I'm listing things I've already done, and crossed off the list.
Just to be clear, I'm leaving out stuff that's a given. Like continuing to breathe. Or going to the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show after-party.
Meet a US President (an ex-president is just fine; I'd probably prefer it)
Go to a Notre Dame football game (at Notre Dame)
Go to a game at the new Yankee Stadium
Go to the Texas-OU game (I'm a little embarrassed to admit I've never done this)
Go to Paris
Go to Italy
Go to Hawaii, but not alone. Oh, and I've been informed that my niece Abigail is going with me. And its totally not creepy at all, even though I'm 48 and she's like 14 or something.
Run a marathon
Write a book.
Go to St. Petersburg. Not Florida. I've seen old people drying out in the sun, thanks.
Attend spring training, with the Astros, but really just about any team would do.
Meet a Rolling Stone. Ideally Keith. He's the cool one. Otherwise Charlie.
Meet a Beatle. Better get on to that one.
Read more books. All the ones in college english I couldn't get to cause I had a lot more important stuff going on.
Go to Macchu Picchu, are you reading Theresa? I'll check out Chile while I'm at it.
Go to Australia
Get married, have kids. After my social security kicks in.
Check out these orphans the Reeder Fund has been helping. When its not so cold.
Learn to fight.
Make tamales.
Learn to barbecue.
Wear my cowboy hat. Its been sitting on my shelf since my friend Carrie's infamous white trash party. Or what I just called "a party."
Be on the sideline for a college football game. My cousin Darrell is an assistant at Memphis. Maybe I can swing that.
See the Smoky Mountains
Go to the Baseball Hall of Fame
Attend a World Series game. I could have gone to a Rangers World Series game but for this case I was involved in and the sociopath client representative to whom we reported.
Play the drums again.
Buy some land. Preferably with minimal snakes. Very #NewBallerLifestyle
Hike at the Utah national parks. Flying Elvises, Utah Chapter
Return to Graceland. ("You don't want to to go raga on this stuff")
Vegas baby Vegas. Again.
Glacier National Park, again.
AC/DC in concert.
Get that Iceman t-shirt from last year, dammit.
See a Fiesta parade.
See a concert at Carnegie Hall
Drive a 1950s Thunderbird and a '64 Aston Martin
Visit that church in the last scene in The Graduate ("Elaine! Elaine!")
Go to Big Bend National Park
Dine at Le Bec Fin
See Auschwitz
Take a train ride. A real train ride. Like that narrow gauge railroad in Colorado. Or the Orient Express.
Take an Alaska cruise.
Visit Cuba. I figure the dollar spends better there.
Attend the TCM Classic Movie Festival.
See a concert at Red Rocks.
Go to the Rose Bowl and the Fiesta Bowl
Watch a rocket launch at Cape Canaveral (if NASA ever launches another one)
Things I wanted to do but can't anymore:
See the Ramones
See old Yankee Stadium
See old Tiger Stadium
Go to CBGB's.
See Sinatra
Meet Farrah
Go on a family vacation (Oklahoma didn't count, nor Ron sitting on a cactus)
Done:
Become a lawyer
Meet someone who walked on the Moon
See the Who
Own an old Mustang
See London
See New York
See the South
Meet chicks
Become a bad ass (#BallerLifestyle)
Drive an old Trans Am (I drove a TA through the pouring rain one night from Austin to Dallas and it was one of the worst experiences ever).
See New Zealand
See games at Wrigley Field and Fenway Park
Go to Muir Woods
Travel throughout Texas
Go to Mardi Gras
Attend the New Orleans Jazz Festival
Meet up with a motorcycle gang at Fred's Lounge in Mamou
Own a house
See a Broadway show
Learn music
Attend Texas vs. Texas A&M game
Attend an LSU game
Go to the Orange Bowl and Sugar Bowl
Dine at Per Se and French Laundry
See Neil Young
See Frank Zappa
See the Grateful Dead
See the Hell's Angels on a California highway
Run a half marathon
Ride horses
Act in a play
Publish an article
Help the orphans
Go to San Francisco, and other jewels in the Golden State crown
See Seattle and Mount Rainier
See Yellowstone, Yosemite, Grand Tetons, and Redwoods National Parks
See South Beach
Have a really great girlfriend
Appreciate family
Play baseball and football
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