When You're Lookin' At Me, You're Lookin' At Country

Hank Williams

Now the last think I wanted was to get in a fight
In Jackson, Mississippi, on a Saturday night
'Specially when there was three of them and only one of me
But they all started laughin' and I felt kinda sick
And I knew I'd better think of something pretty quick
So, I just reached out and kicked old "Green Teeth" right in the knee
Now, he let out a yell that would curl your hair
But before he could move I grabbed me a chair
And said, "Watch him folks, 'cause he's a thoroughly dangerous man
Well, you may not know it, but this man's a spy
He's an undercover agent for the FBI
And he's been sent down here to infiltrate the Klu Klux Klan"

He was still bent over, holdin' on to his knee
But everybody else was lookin' at and listenin' to me
And I laid it on thicker and heavier and I went
I said, "Would you believe this man has gone as far
As tearin' Wallace stickers off the bumpers of cars
And he voted for George McGovern for president
Well, he's a friend of those long-haired, hippie-type pinko fags
And I'll bet you he's even got a commie flag
Tacked up on the wall inside of his garage
He's a snake in the grass, I'll tell you guys
He may look dumb, but that's just a disguise
He's a mastermind in the ways of espionage
--Charlie Daniels Band, "Uneasy Rider"

So, who called it on the cruise ship situation? This guy, that's who. Who's your daddy? How do you like that Carnival Cruise ship from Hell? Yeah, sounds like a real dream vacation cruise, complete with feces and urine sloshing on deck, using the bathroom into plastic bags, enduring four hour food lines, passengers hoarding food, putrid smells, no air conditioning in the Gulf of Mexico, and people screaming at each other. The only difference between that cruise and a normal cruise? That ship had to be towed into port. That sounded like some sort of floating North Vietnamese POW camp. Or a Motel 6. Can you imagine if those people had been subjected to a Foreigner concert on top of everything else? Or a bunch of Disney characters? Nice of Carnival to offer the passengers exactly $500 and a free cruise as compensation. That's like an airline giving someone free tickets to apologize for the plane crash that killed the rest of their family. Jerry Jones giving people who couldn't watch the Super Bowl in Cowboys Stadium because the fire marshal declared their temporary seats unsafe a free ticket for the next year's Super Bowl to make up for it thinks that's crazy. At least some good has come out of this--a lot of lawyers are gonna make a lot of money soon.

But this post is about Ector County, Texas, a/k/a the Texas Garden of Eden. I have some friends who hail from there (hale?), and they've always run the place down. I have to admit, I've been a little skeptical about their description. I mean, how bad can somewhere be? But some lawyer business gave me the opportunity to see the area last week. And, DAMN! What the hell is going on up there Odessa? Imagine if someone sprayed Agent Orange over hundreds of square miles. And then moved in a bunch of crane rental lots, dead scrub trees, 1950s ranch houses, and windmills. The golf courses were brown dirt. Red dust was blowing everywhere. I literally saw tumbleweeds blowing down the streets. Really, tumbleweeds. I kept looking for Wile E. Coyote on Acme Rocket Propelled Roller Skates. You know those old films of the abandoned Nevada towns where they'd do atomic bomb testing in the 50s? With the fake people inside the houses? That's Odessa, Texas. Only with a bunch of people driving Ford pickups and Suburbans, towing flatbed trailers, on their way to God knows where. This place makes Lubbock look like the south of France.

But that's not what I want to talk about. Not now anyway.

I want to talk about country music.

Yes, the many LONG hours I spent in the Red Shark, driving between here and there, gave me the opportunity to listen to a lot of Christian radio stations and country radio stations. Mostly country. And, once again, DAMN! What the hell has happened to country music?

I didn't really expect that it would be all George Strait and Johnny Cash and Loretta Lynn, unfortunately. Though shout out to Texas Rebel Radio and KFAN in the Hill Country. That's where you can hear some righteous country tunes. But if what I had to endure once I got out of the Hill Country is any indication, then what I've long suspected about modern country music is true.

It sucks.

Basically, its what 20 years ago would have passed as rock and roll music. But its sung by a bunch of preening slappies affecting a country twang, who are even less country than me. And, remember, I used to watch Gilmore Girls. From having seen snippets of various country music award shows and other country star appearances, and having seen some of these "artists" at Jazz Fest, the main requisite criteria for country music stardom seems to be the ability to look like a leaner, more angular, hat wearing version of a Doobie Brothers member circa 1974 (ironically enough, as such a look would have gotten you stomped at the Grand Ole Opry 30 years ago), and having a country sounding voice. And for women...being hot. Pretty much covers it.You'd have never heard of Patsy Cline if she was coming up today. Not exactly a handsome woman, I'll grant you. But, I just couldn't trust someone who doesn't like Patsy Cline.

Sidebar. Many years ago, when my friend Darrell got sick and passed away, his parents looked in his car and removed his belongings. They found a Patsy Cline tape in the tape deck, meaning that was the last music he ever heard. THAT is what I'm talking about.

Anyway, the songs themselves are also pretty odd. Country songs, as David Allan Coe taught us, should be about momma, trains, getting drunk, trucks, and prison. These newer songs, however, all seem to be about how super freakin' awesome country people are in relation to everyone else. Its kind of the rapper braggadocio mentality, but for rednecks. That logic just eludes me. Its all about how country folks are just better than everyone else, especially those liberal freeloading Democrats up in Washington, who just don't understand puttin' in an honest day's work with your hands and worshipping God and not having your hand out. Oh, and being white. And if you don't like it, well, you can just shove it, mister liberal.

After a few hours of that, anyone would start feeling inspired and a little manic. Plus, after miles and miles of miles, your mind kind of drifts. Like, yeah, who do all those Village Voice-reading liberal nanny-staters think they are anyway? Nancy Pelosi and Paul Krugman and Barack Obama can just kiss my Texas ASS! I was in the throes of a redneck Stockholm Syndrome. But then you get back to Austin, where you're surrounded by Pelosi clones, and you just kind of calm down again and look for cover.

To honor those two days of country fervor, however, I've decided to write my very first song. Cause I figure that even without having ever written a song, I can pretty much write something just as bad as the crap on country airwaves today. Feel free to set it to music and record it yourself. Oh, and this took about 30 minutes to write. I know, I know, Brian Wilson wrote songs in half that time. The difference is, those were good.

[OK, here's my stage on-stage intro][lets the crowd noise die down][looks pensively at the crowd]. You know folks, if I can be serious with you for just a minute, this old world just a keeps getting crazier and crazier. And all the city folks, God bless them. Seems like they've forgotten about the values of hard work, and helping your neighbors, and worshipping the Lord. Seems like folks these days just want a handout. But that's not the ways of the country. And that's not what made America the greatest nation in the world [cue righteous crowd applause]. So we just want to sing a song about country values. They may be simple. Some might think they're old fashioned. But they still work for some of us. So I wrote a little song about those values, and I hope you like it. Because its about me. And its about all of you here tonight.  [insert name of backwater village here]...this one's for you.

Oh, I live my life in the country, where I work on my land
Just like my daddy before me, I'm a proud and a simple man
Ain't had no fancy learnin', from books and schools and such
I got my learnin' from hard work, helpin' momma, and drivin' trucks.

[sidebar, is our society incapable of pronouncing the "g" at the end of "-ing" words? Jeez, even Barack drops the "g" when he's talking to "folks." Professor Higgins is appalled]

[chorus]
Yes I live my live my life in the country, where a man can be free
Where we love hard work, and we love the Lord, and responsibility
You others you just can't understand 'bout the things that are right and wrong
Well you can take a hike, and get on away, you simply won't ever belong.

All you city folk just can't understand 'bout a man who works all his days
Y'all just want to run down the US, raise taxes, and glorify gays
But back out here in the country, we know what's good and right
You take away our guns and our God, and mister, you've got a fight

[chorus]
Yes I live my live my life in the country, where a man can be free
Where we like hard work, we like the Lord, and responsibility
You others you just can't understand 'bout the things that are right and wrong
Well you can take a hike, and get on away, you simply won't ever belong

[Break]
No we don't live on the welfare.
And we don't march and scream.
We just like to work with others who care.
Go to church, and cheer the high school team.
And we don't bling up or have reality shows
We support our family, and tend the farm.
We're living real life between the plowing and the snows.
To us, that's a real life, with enough charm.

You smug  free loading no good Yankee sons of bitches
Who think you're the only ones with riches
Looking down your nose at the ones who feed you
Just can't know what a man and the land and freedom can do

[chorus]
Yes I live my live my life in the country, where a man can be free
Where we like hard work, we like the Lord, and responsibility
You others you just can't understand 'bout the things that are right and wrong
Well you can take a hike, and get on away, you simply won't ever belong
Fade out. The end. Exit stage left.

OK, this was weird. Oh well.

NEXT-more Ector County ramblings