Top 5: Things You're Still Not Doing Right

Steve McQueen could park his car properly. What's your problem?
 

I'm back. I know..."I'll alert the media." Sometimes life interferes with the big stuff. Like musings over Top Gun and the best 50 year old songs.  You know, important things. Sorry about that. Truly sorry.

I was doing some pretty important stuff though. For a time, I was leading the NSA's internal security group. You know, its so unfair how people judge you for just ONE slip up. Thousands of NSA analysts DIDN'T give secrets to the Guardian, but do you ever hear about that? You're welcome America. After that, I spent a lot of time thinking up  Royal Baby names , and sending them all to Kate and William (by e-mail, natch) to think over.  I got a couple of angry calls from Scotland Yard. Apparently they didn't appreciate my really strong suggestions. I still maintain "Prince Elvis" would have had universal appeal. Then I corrected entries on Wikipedia. That's totally not a waste of time because in the immortal words of Michael Scott, "Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone, in the world, can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information." I had to correct entries concerning the Vietnam War (we won and then left the field; we just chose not to get involved in a Second Vietnam War two years later), the 1979 AFC Championship Game (Renfro was in bounds; the refs stole that game from the Oilers), and Three's Company (Terry was never hotter than Chrissy).

But now its back to what I do best. Err, fourth best. Making fun of people who accomplish way more than I do. Because, after all, this IS a blog.

Now, when last we met, we (actually I) were working through several Top 5 lists. An homage to the movie High Fidelity as you may recall. The original Top 5 lists list (wait, what?) had Top 5 Diseases as next on the docket. I'm not really sure what that meant. Why anyone would want to know the Top 5 diseases? "Top" how, exactly? Like, most benign? Most fun? Best name? Most deadly? That's like Top 5 Natural Disasters. Or Top 5 Kardashians (BTW, the top Kardashian is Khloe, even though she's not a real Kardashian, of course...she's more like a Wookie). And would you include all the so-called diseases, like sex addiction, or fear of flying, or wearing a wool cap when its 100 degrees out?

So, I'm bagging Top 5 Diseases. Good riddance. You people deal with your own diseases and leave me out of it.

In its place, we need to talk about your flair. And all the other things you're doing hideously wrong. Really. In the immortal, lilting, intentionally ironic words of Betsy Clark, you all suck. Not so much the usual suspects who consistently read Daily Affirmation (no...we still good).

Its the rest of you herdlike masses who have the problem. Just in a five minute span, I listed about 30 things no one does right. Except the Captain. Obvi. Look, I try to avoid you but I still see what you're doing. And, its...not awesome. Basically, most of you blunder through life never learning from mistakes, oblivious to what happens around you, to rules, to good taste. Its like you never learned how to share your toys in kindergarten, and you think everyone exists for your personal benefit. You wake up every day, bounce from one thing to the next, never focusing on anything you actually do. Your fill your mind with thoughts like, "who's gonna win The Voice," "these pants are itchy but they match my shirt," or "what should I eat for dessert before I start my diet again?" You don't know the name of the Vice President of the United States (ok, bad example). You can't spot your state on a map.

So its no wonder. You're like children, unable to follow simple instructions or reason through unfamiliar situations. Only you're worse because left alone, children readily cope with new situations and can follow rules (except for Lord of the Flies).

I don't mean things you REALLY can't do. Like bending steel girders with your mind. Or sitting through an entire Ke$ha concert. I'm talking about things that any sentient human being should master (well, ok, maybe there's the problem). Things that you can't do because you're too stupid or incompetent or lazy. As usual, I'm  here to help. Use this Daily Affirmation: "I will not be stupid anymore. I will learn from my mistakes. I will consider others. I will not eat waffle tacos."

I title this "Still Not Doing Right," because most of what I've written over the last few years amounts to unloading on how you fine folks live your lives. (BTW, speaking of "folks," what's more hilarious/cringeworthy than our President trying to connect by repeatedly calling us "folks"? You know. The next head of the Federal Reserve should consider "average folks." "These folks" in the NSA are following the law. "Folks are sweating back there right now." "Folks like me" should pay higher taxes. Whatever you think of Pres. Obama, he is, in fact, the President of the United States, Head of State of the most powerful nation on earth, a former Harvard Law Professor, former U.S. Senator from a major state, a Nobel Prize winner, and a hero to millions. There ARE no folks like him. Eh, maybe Michelle and her couturier. When the HuffPo thinks you should stop using that word, you should let it go). Perhaps you've tuned me out, or maybe you can't read all these long words. Or, like many of you, get bored after two paragraphs ('cause you've got a lot of important things to do and can't get bogged down reading, like doing a load of whites, or posting more quilt pictures to your Pinterest site). So once again, dad has to step in.

Now, you're gonna read these and think, "one percent problems, THIS is why you're so bitchy?" And, admittedly, the list doesn't contain things like war and poverty and famine. No, it does not. But war and poverty and famine have been and will be around forever. At least until everyone living in the desert stops living in the desert. So there's no point in harping on people to improve. These other things? A little firm policing could bring some positive results. Plus, its more the cumulative effect these malpractices wreak on society than the harm any individual one causes. Except the parking garage thing.

So here you go. Top 5 Things You're Still Not Doing Right:

5. Know the difference between and properly use "You're" and "Your." Ok, that's probably beyond average human intelligence, so we'll substitute this next one.

5. Cook (subcategory, make proper queso). Does anyone even cook any more? And by "cook" I mean something other than "heat up." Its practically impossible to get in to any Austin restaurant without enduring some kind of wait. Even Olive Garden. There's an Olive Garden about a mile from my house, and every time I pass it, day or night, there's folks standing outside waiting to get in. (see what I did there, with "folks"). That's like waiting in line for daily gruel at the Hanoi Hilton. Most grocery stores now feature row after row of pre-packaged, "heat and eat" items. “Take out,” home delivery, and “truck food” are all flourishing. And…I’ve had some of your cooking, and let’s just say this is why I never come over any more. Well, that and I don’t get invited. And people, your queso is lame. Here’s what you may acceptably put in queso: velveeta cheese, milk, rotel tomatoes, chilis, sausage (good sausage, not Jimmy Dean breakfast patties). Period. No artichokes, no onions, no peppers, no cream of mushroom or any other kind of soup, no cream cheese. No wolf brand chili, venison, tofu, cumin, broccoli, or any New Age/healthy living crap. After all, we’re supposedly civilized people, right?

4. Change a tire. Can anyone change a tire anymore? Some cars don’t even have spare tires. I think I’d die if I saw someone actually changing a tire. Its not that people know how to change a tire but just don’t. No, people actually don’t know how to change tires. Like it was some sort of advanced Los Alamos laboratories technology. Or driving a car with standard transmission (which you also can’t do but which is more acceptable because while most cars have automatic transmission, they still have tires). I suppose everyone just calls AAA or some other roadside service. Because they prefer spending time in Murderville than getting their hands a little dirty and lifting something heavy. Just like the Griswolds.

3. Re-phase the transporter after an ion storm. Ah, just foolin'. Everyone can do that.

3. Wrap a present. I can’t remember the last time someone gave me a present, well, stop right there. OK, the last time I saw a present not obviously gift wrapped (with a sticker from the store of origin) or with a store gift stamp.  How long does it take to wrap a present? Five minutes? And while we’re at it, you don’t even know how to put a present in a stupid bag. Y'all just get a bag, throw the object in there, cover it with a wad of paper, hand it over and expect congratulations on the great wrapping job. Its like never ironing your shirts and showing up everywhere wrinkled (which made the honorable mention list). You either use too much wrapping paper or not enough. Or one side has an extreme portion of folded over paper, while the other side barely covers the edge. Then you pick out Dollar Store wrapping paper and don’t add any sort of ribbon or anything. C’mon man! You’re gonna give your mother a present looking like wadded up chewing gum wrappers? Class it up.

2. Stand in a line. Are you people waiting in line or forming the drum circle at Bonnaroo? The Brits do few things better than Americans, but “queueing” is at the top of the list (along with effective sarcasm use). Its very easy. Whoever's in front stands squarely in front of the ticket window or soup station or whatever, and the next person stands immediately behind. And everyone else repeats that. You don’t stand three feet off to the side, talking to Gregor on your beaded flip phone while you smoke clove cigarettes, you don’t wander around looking for free-floating dollar bills, and you don’t loudly and pompously discuss inane subjects that leave others ready to immolate themselves. You remember that waiting in line scene in Annie Hall, right? Yeah, don’t be that guy. Don’t be yelling across the way to your boys, or eating some foot odor wafting bagged food, or letting people cut. It’s a line, not Friday night at the Copa.

1. Drive in a parking garage or parking lot. This one gets me the worst. Look, parking garages are not haunted, and trolls don’t live there either. There’s no electronic force field that will zap your vehicle if it exceeds 5 miles per hour. I know it may seem like you’re absolutely whipping around each corner, just like back when you were a kid and you’d turn your trailer from County Road 317 onto FM 2900, near Old Man Miller’s artesian well, for a thrill before you went home and help your 15 brothers and sisters fix supper. But you can drive a vehicle in a parking garage faster than 5 MPH without it disintegrating or going back in time like Dr. Brown’s DeLorean. Gun it old man!!! None of the people driving the long line of cars creeping behind you who are late for their appointments are amused. Nor does the hope that someone will magically back out of a space ahead of you so you don't want to go too fast and miss it hold water. There’s oceans of spaces one story higher. Go a safe, but actually measurable, speed, keep a lookout for an open space and when you see one, take it. But you’re not leading the Thanksgiving Parade or being presented at the Cotillion.  Vehicular sauntering has no place in a parking garage. The rest of us who know what we’re doing have something real that we need to get to.

Honorable mention: ironing, dealing with yellow lights, using your turn signal, protesting, going on a date, dressing, lighting a cigar, voting, buying a car, driving a standard transmission, speaking, flirting, being a guest.

NEXT-a brief detour to complain about present day college football. I know, I know..."who's bothering you now?"