Talkin' 'Bout (Not) My Generation: The Millennial In Your Workplace (A Handy Reference Guide)

Millennials. Yay!!

[Before even getting started, I have to warn you, this post reeks of Bitter Old Guy. Read at your own peril.]

Ah, life. Countless scholars, mystics, clergy, philosophers, song writers, romantic comedy screenwriters, and bartenders have contemplated its meaning. What are we doing here? Is there a God? And if so, how does He (or She) intend that we live our lives? Do we live one life or do we "reincarnate"? Should we devote our lives to helping others, or to pursuing our own happiness however we can? How do we cope with life's tragedies and why must we suffer? Does love really exist or is it just some chemical reaction within our minds?

Me? I'm just trying to remember what town I'm in when I wake up most mornings. And keep from freezing. Like Pee Wee Herman looking for his lost bicycle, my life has played out on the road for much of these last two months. I haven't met Large Marge yet (although the rental car shuttle driver in St Louis was very odd), but I go from town to town meeting clients, giving speeches, checking in and out of hotels, and trying to survive the Polar Vortex (honestly, first I nearly froze to death in Springfield, Illinois, then I damn nearly caused a 15 car pileup trying to drive back to St. Louis in a snowstorm...why do people live places like that? Humans aren't penguins. Move to where its warm!! Like the cave men did during the Ice Age.). When not on the road, I've been getting ready to travel, or recovering from travel. All while dealing with, ummm, how you Americans say...law firm BS? In short, My life of late seems much like a Lynyrd Skynrd song, only without the fun parts.

This slog through life kept me away from the site, unfortunately. No blogging. Which means you've been adrift for a couple of months, wondering about important things like how would Goose and Maverick approach about this whole Ukraine thing, or what's the lamest Winter Olympics sport (trick question, they're all equally lame, except possibly hockey).

Oh, and the Daily Affirmations Year In Review? Yeah, that's not happening. Its March. time to look forward. Waiting until March to do your past year in review would be like when Spinal Tap released its Christmas album in July.

So that's all in the past. But now I finally had the chance to spend an entire week at home. You might think the time away offered a chance to reflect. Save up great blog topics and witty phrases. Uh...yeah...that's exactly what happened. Or maybe not so much.

I did, however, courtesy of one particularly iconoclastic friend, manage to contemplate how we must communicate with the millennials.  Or as Archie Bunker might have called them, those punk nosed kids ("Edith, stifle yourself over there!!")  These are people born starting in the early 1980s on through the end of the Clinton years. So they're "millennials" because they grew up in the "new millennium." (OK, they bore me just from that description alone). They grew up with cell phones, computer games, computers, and all the other gizmos that still seem like Star Trek to me. They have no living memory of most of the cool things in life. Like Led Zeppelin, or Three's Company, or John Travolta actually being good, or boxing not being a total joke, or being able to go somewhere without your phone blaring e-mails or text alerts, or good music to dance to, or the absence of "drug resistant viruses," and most importantly, a world where no one outside of Armenia or Los Angeles had ever heard the name "Kardashian." They roll around with their tattoos and piercings, watching Jimmy Kimmel, worshipping Barack Obama (whom they didn't bother to actually vote for because their tweet up was on election day), listening to Beyoncé and John Mayer (singing songs he produced when he found time around his busy schedule of sexing mediocre starlet/singers and acting sensitive), and watching Gossip Girl. Yeah, them. You shall know them by their knit ski caps (worn even when it's 95 degrees out).

Here's the salient point: they're basically impossible to talk to.

Basically, New Age parenting manuals advising Baby Boomer parents to praise, praise, and praise their kids, give them participation ribbons, don't keep score or assign grades, and not discipline them (I'm sorry, "time out" is a vacation, not discipline) have spawned an entire generation of narcissistic, self-absorbed, irresponsible, live in the moment poseur douchebags. (Ah yes, let the hate flow through you! Feel the power of the Dark Side). Except Zooey Deschanel. She's wonderful.

But as for the rest, they drip with an undeserved sense of entitlement. Their self-perceived delicate little snowflakes that wither without constant affirmation (like...a "daily affirmation" perhaps?). Skinny jeans. At work. Putting their entire lives on the internet (a secret's a what?). Likely to have as many "on-line" friends as actual real human friends (this explains why the movie "Her" could be a thing). Really into comics. Wearing hats and vests. Basically, millennials are what you worried would happen the first time you saw a Benetton ad.

They're mostly skittish little yappy dogs. Especially when you're trying to communicate with them. The workplace millennial represents a rare breed. Oh, sure, most of them have some sort of McJob down at the coffee shop or occupying a cubicle at some web design company where everyone's under 30 and works a 20 hour week (so they can spend the rest of their time auditioning or getting gigs for their "band").

I have to deal with (and even "supervise") millennials more and more often. Sadly, unlike when I was in their position, you can no longer just beat or humiliate and then ignore them. And you just can't talk to them the way you can talk to everyone else, i.e. grown ups. It takes a special method, almost like using a different language. 

Particularly when supervising them. They don't possess the ability to focus on much of anything. Certainly longer than say a minute. And you may as well be speaking Swahili if you're trying to convey criticism or negative thoughts. Tell someone their 250 word client memo contained 75 misspelled words and six hummus smears, and your millennial employee pretty much hears you exactly like the adults in a Charlie Brown special.

So, as always, I'm here to help. Just remember, when you need to tell them anything at work, especially when it contains something even remotely resembling criticism, you must follow a formula. Otherwise, your millennial will withdraw, like a groundhog seeing its own shadow.

Here's how it works.

 

Required workplace millennial conversation structure:

 

1. Start with a common bonding statement ("hey about those Grammy awards, huh?")

 

2. Proceed to mention minimum three great things about the millennial ("I really admire how you cleaned your desk yesterday, it was so boss" NB-work in popular TV show references)

 

3. Then deliver critique or bad news in feather soft, positively-phrased manner ("wow, most people wouldn't have taken a whole day to answer my e-mail, you must have had a lot of important things going on. I bet you'd be super awesome at delegating some of those?")

 

4. Then list four more great things about the millennial ("but no problem because we just couldn't get along without you, I mean, the way you alphabetize files is awesome!")

 

5. Finish with a youth-connecting salutation ("alright, stay cool, you watching Walking Dead tonight?").

 

That's how its done.

Make sure to keep some other things in mind. 

They don't have the time or attention span to speak complete words, much less entire sentences. So instead of saying something is "totally amazing," you just say "totes amaze balls" or "supes jealz" instead of "I'm so jealous."

It's best not to look directly at them. Tattoos, piercings, slovenly dress, and hair freakery have turned many of them into characters from a Boris Karloff movie. Also, like Boo Radley, they don't like direct critical attention. If, however, you're admiring them, they get less skittish.

 

You're going to have to get internet savvy. Hey, preaching to the choir here. That means following all the latest memes, tweeting, ridiculous new made up phrases (like "dashboard" or "thought leader"), trolling, and knowing every single new device that comes out. And you may find it easier to communicate with them by devices instead of face to face. Like all these kids I see texting each other, even as they sit right next to one another. Oh, and use lots of colors and short phrases (are you proud of yourself now, USA Today? See what your cartoon/pie-chart journalism caused?).

And you have to know all their stupid shows and that includes not only cable TV and movies but non-traditional sources like Netflix or streaming outlets. House of Cards is a great example. And their "bands," God help you. I think if I really had to listen to Bon Iver, I might just break out in cancer. All over. Right there.

Me? I'll probably just try to find a way to stay a fossil the next 10 years, then retire early. Or fall off a balcony and live off disability the rest of my life. It beats keeping up with the latest memes and walking around with a man purse. Totes!

NEXT-a trip down (or up) South Lamar.