Top 5 Ways That I Judge People

Judging

"Judge not, lest ye be judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you."
--Matthew, Ch. 7, v. 1-2.

Elvis is in everybody out there.
Everybody's got Elvis in them!
Everybody except one person that is...
Yeah, one person!
The evil opposite of Elvis.
The Anti-Elvis
Anti-Elvis got no Elvis in 'em,
lemme tell ya.

Michael J. Fox has no Elvis in him.

--Mojo Nixon, "Elvis Is Everywhere"

I think the next Top 5 (Geez, will this ever end?) topic involved top 5 things that annoy me. Aside from being a drag, man (for some reason, I talk like Sammy Davis, Jr., true story), I'm not sure how to limit my list to just five. The complete "annoys me" list resembles the phone book (kids, there used to be these big huge books that had everyone's phone numbers listed alphabetically, oh never mind). I'm either easily annoyed, or life has gotten more annoying. Probs both. But really, how would that discussion help any of you? Which is what I'm here for. Plus, I can't think of a way that it wouldn't sound like an Andy Rooney piece. "You know what bugs me? Absentee voting. Why can't everyone vote on Election Day like they're supposed to?"

So I'm invoking Executive Privilege to change topics. To something way happier. Top 5 Ways that I Judge People. Yeah, I know, "judge not..." Whatevs. I judge. So do you. So does everyone. We all judge. That is, we all form opinions and beliefs about other people. "You can't trust him." "He's classless." "That guy's smart." "She's conceited." Right? You don't necessarily even form these opinions to condemn someone, you just get to know another person and can't help but assign them a "personality profile," E-Harmony style. We can't all hang out with all the other people in the world all the time. We have to limit those with whom we associate. With whom we do business. Whom we admit into in the Circle of Trust.

Because, you know, if you absolutely do not judge anyone, you'll hang around with drug dealers and child molesters and Senators. Real mother stabbers and father rapers. Then people will assume you're part of that element. Or some of the father stabbers will go after you. Or turn you into a father stabber. I know, this is making no sense. Suffice to say, we can evaluate people and decide whom to spend our precious time and reputation on, without necessarily condemning them with judgment.

Yeah, nice spin!

The Bible says not to judge others because ultimately you will be judged, by the same standards you use to judge others. If you do decide to judge others, you better watch how you do it. Your standards will come back to haunt. But in my case, that's totally alright. I'm perfectly willing to live by the standards I use to "judge" (a/k/a "evaluate") others. Now, I'm leaving out the more obvious ways I judge people, like whether they tell the truth, whether they're intelligent, or kind, or loyal. I have some other ways I size up the other humans, which aren't so obvious. To wit....

The Top 5 Ways That I Judge People:

Steve Sax

5. How you throw a ball. Have you ever grimaced in agony as someone, especially a guy, takes hold of a baseball or football, and instead of raring back and throwing, does one of those Raggedy Ann, limp-arm, half shot put toss and half fly swat arm motions? You know. Steve Sax. Its horrible. I see that happen, and whether a man or a woman, I instinctively cringe. Look, everyone should be able to throw a ball. Here's the list of people who legitimately can't: quadriplegics, double arm amputees, people receiving chemo, and Alzheimer's or ALS victims. Everyone else should be able to pull off that rudimentary motion. Especially all Americans, who should all manage to perform the most basic motion in our national game(s). If you can't throw a ball through the air without looking like Bieber protecting his girlish purity against  Jenny McCarthy's wanton advances, then I have absolutely no use for you.

She's a beaut, Clark

4. Your car. You are who you roll with, and you are what you drive. If you drive a '69 Vette, you're a different kind of person that someone who drives a Chrysler mini-van. One of those cars says "Baller," while the other says "Loser." I covered this in Top 5 Cars. If you voluntarily drive some ridiculous, dowdy, Genericmobile, you deserve scorn, not praise for being practical or fuel-efficient. I once rented a car at the San Francisco airport, but the rental place had only one car left on the lot: a purple Ford Probe. A Probe would have been bad enough, but purple? I looked like I was driving an eggplant in that year's Pride Parade. Which, exactly, I looked like that. Because I was driving that car. I pulled up to a busy crosswalk in the city and two exceptionally attractive young women looked at my car and started laughing as they pointed at it. NOT a Baller moment. Which I've more than made up for since then. Signed, drives an M3. Obvs. But still. Leave your Yugo in the garage and take the bus, dude. Ride in style or stay home.

Elvis in 1970, Houston Astrodome

3. Do you have any Elvis? OK, look, how did the King live his life? Carefree, that's how. Having fun. Taking Care of Business. Finding some calm and joy in every situation. Breaking into song right before the big car race. Keeping Mary Tyler Moore from becoming a nun. Organizing a prison dance-off. Being the first rocker ever to get the band back together and go unplugged. Going through life with a twinkle in his eye. Lovin' the ladies. Driving big Caddies and giving them away to unsuspecting admirers. Inventing Rockabilly. Saving Vegas from bankruptcy. Selling out six shows at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, at the Astrodome.  Everyone should have at least a little Elvis in them.  Otherwise, you lack any flair. Any spark. Any style. You just line up every day for drear and drudge and dull. You can't find at least a little flavor in what otherwise could be a miserable existence. Who needs you? Life's already enough of a slog through the marsh without these automatons making things more miserable. 

2. Are you curious? Have you ever met anyone with no opinions on anything? Who does the same thing, every day, over and over and over and over...and over? Who hasn't read a new book since high school? Doesn't know who's the Secretary of State? Hasn't been more than 200 miles from home in 10 years (except maybe for work, where they just stayed at the Days Inn and ate at Denny's and Olive Garden)? Takes the exact same vacation every year (a week at the Sundowner Guest Suites at Galveston-days at the beach, nights at whatever restaurant has coupons). Yeah, and won't go to any restaurant that's not a chain, because, they might not like it? Has never watched public TV (except for Sesame Street).  And yet, these door stops seem to know every disgusting little detail about the Kardashians. You, and your Bed, Bath, and Beyond/Chili's lifestyle can keep on going down the road (the freeway, natch, you would never go the scenic route), because our paths ain't gonna cross anytime soon. Except by accident.

Bum Phillips, Luv Ya Blue rally, 1980

1. Do you follow or play sports? And not soccer or cricket or hurling or gymnastics. A real sport. Kenny Powers once said, "I play real sports. I'm not trying to be the best at exercising." The ancient Greeks (not their euro killing, bloated entitlement state having, tax avoiding decendents) celebrated sport as representing an idealized version of man. Athletes commanded respect and admiration, and the games were held to honor the gods. Sports were thought a mark of their advanced society, distinguishing them from more savage cultures. Yeah, I know, they didn't have xBox or home theaters or Guinness Stout or Camaros or any of the other cool stuff we have today that's not sports. But we still have competition. And we still have bodies that move through space. Sports teach invaluable life lessons. Sports display "the competitive urge at its finest." Sports provide supreme drama. Sports showcase unimaginable athletic feats. And sports can forge connections between huge communities. Among a university, a city, a state, even a country. "Raider Nation." "Titletown." "Death Valley." Chants of "USA! USA! USA!" or "TEXAS!! FIGHT!!" or even that ridiculous "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PIG SOOEY!!!" Sports break down class and cultural barriers. Janitors and CEOs alike can connect by talking about the local team's pennant chase or upcoming playoff game. Arguably the single most memorable event in Houston history was the second "Luv Ya Blue" rally at the Astrodome, attended live by 70,000 fans and seen on TV by just about every other Houstonian. The '70s Oilers brought that city together. Unlike life, sports has clear cut winners and losers (I object to soccer in large part because games can end in zero to zero ties; its not really a game if no one scores, and because they flop), merit always prevails over every other attribute, and sports provide an opportunity to pit your best directly against someone else's. No muddled, waiting for someone to get back to me about a deal issues here. How anyone can go through life oblivious to great games, to intense competition, to the grace, strength, and beauty of athletic performance, and to your community's rallying cry, completely escapes me. That's not someone I care to know.

Honorable Mention. I won't trust a man who doesn't like Patsy Cline.

NEXT-Top 5 Worst Jobs. Don't worry, we're almost done with Top 5's. Although I don't know what will take its place. 

Top 5 People I'd Like To Meet

Hammerin' Hank

The Most Interesting Man In the World:

His shirts never wrinkle
Cuba imports cigars from him. 
Mosquitos refuse to bite him purely out of respect.
In museums, he is allowed to touch the art.
His passport requires no photograph.

When he drives a new car off the lot, it increases in value.

Superman has pajamas with his logo

If opportunity knocks and he's not home, opportunity waits

 

Now, readers, I want you to prepare yourself. Because I have to convey something shocking here to you. You probably don't know this, but I'm, well...umm...I'm not exactly all that great at, uh, meeting people.

Its ok, its ok. I'll wait so you can absorb that knowledge and compose yourself.

But its true. I'm not all that predisposed, and apparently am ill-equipped, to meeting people. In fact, given the choice between going to a party and doing anything else in the world, anything else in the world generally would win out. I'm talking Disney on Ice here, people. Which is odd, because once I get to the party or other event, I generally do ok, and often enjoy myself. But this social antipathy is just as well. Within the last couple of years, a friend informed me that I'm socially awkward and inept, I make people generally ill at ease around me, and I often anger others. To which I replied, "have you not met me?"

So the whole concept of meeting someone at all, much less someone famous, kind of leaves me hanging. On top of this, the general admonition not to meet your heroes also keeps me out of the stalker column. Celebrities or other famous types carefully cultivate a public image. They hire media consultants, press agents, and the like specifically to make them more appealing, thereby enhancing their "brand" and marketability. Its more difficult in the TMZ era, with paparazzi, and everyone possessing camera phones capable of videoing your every move (signed Prince Harry's Vegas Vacation). But even today, we have no idea what these people are really like. Unless you wind up in the courts or under arrest, how would anyone know if a Disney star is really a creep? Oh, right. Because they're a Disney star, that's how. You meet someone you've idolized for years, then you find out they're horrible. What a huge letdown. How would you have liked to have been a Joan Crawford fan, only to find out, well, you know. Or have idolized Bing Crosby? How many times have you heard some story about a star with a generally positive image being horrible in private? So in addition to the whole having to meet someone issue, there's the issue of your hero totally blowing their image.

Its easy to fall for the image. You see the star up on the screen or on TV and you want to believe they're like the characters they portray or the image they project. You forget that, just like yourself, they try to put their best put forward when out in public. You only see their best side, not the cranky side pissed because their flight was late, or their agent screwed up some contract, or there were brown M&Ms in the candy jar. You don't see them when they haven't slept in 24 hours, or just got some bad news, or when they have a sick kid. You know, under stress. Are you always at your finest, every single moment of the day? No one person is ever totally good, just as no one is ever totally and completely bad. I'm sure Stalin could be totally charming at dinner parties. He'd just as likely have the NKVD haul you off to Siberia after coffee and desert, but he could seem relatively normal over the borcht and stroganov. Just like I'm sure Mother Theresa could probably be a little bitchy late at night after about a thousand poor people cried and moaned around her all day. Again, for like the millionth day in a row. In between, the rest of us have good moments and bad, and someone's entire opinion of us might turn on when they had their first impression of us.

Or stars are all just whack jobs. Which is probably also true.

But I would like to meet a handful of people. More deceased ones than those still with us. I'd have loved to have met Elvis, for example. Or Richard Nixon or Ronald Reagan. I'd have liked to have met Cary Grant, like my friend Kendall Morgan did. Gene Kelly would have been another. Or Audrey Hepburn. I'd have liked to have met one of the original Mercury astronauts. And I'd have liked to have met John Lennon.

I haven't met many famous people. Probably the most famous was Gene Cernan, the last man to walk on the moon. He was buddies with this lawyer who I tried a case with once. I met him at our client's Christmas party in Boerne. Pretty cool guy. Other than him, that's about it. I think I shook hands with Ann Richards once, but I'm not sure. Oh, I met and shook hands with Rudolph Giuliani, after a speech he gave at the River Oaks Country Club. I've seen several other famous people whom I didn't actually meet. All in all, none of these encounters have really done much for me. Although I like to think they all remember the time they met Chris Reeder....

Time has narrowed the list of potential meeting opportunities. Believe it or not, I don't have much desire to meet any of the new "stars"; I'll have to pass through this world having never met Lauren Conrad or Robert Pattinson, for example. I really had trouble completing this list. But I'd say that, notwithstanding the risk of finding these people are really just, um, assholes, I'd still like to meet them.

Top 5 People I'd Like to Meet:

5. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Because of course I do. Does that surprise anyone? Again, do you know me?

4. Any U.S. President. Current or former. I'd really enjoy talking to them about what its like to be the "most powerful man in the world." I'd like to find out what it's like living inside the bubble of the Presidency. Can you imagine the isolation of not being able to drive a car, or go to the store, or walk down the street by yourself for four or even eight years? I'd like to find out how they cope with the responsibility for deciding when to hit the red button, as it were. Mostly I'd just like to see what such heights of power does to a person. If I could pick one living President to meet, it would probably be Clinton. Not so much because I supported his policies, but he just seems like the one most likely to be forthcoming. Followed by Bush 43.

3. Any Beatle. I guess there's not many to choose from these days. The 1960s were likely the most turbulent, innovative, fluid, free, and wrenching decade that likely will occur in my lifetime. And the Beatles were at Ground Zero of the 1960s. Arguably, the 1960s, and all the cultural evolution since then, would have been strikingly different without them. They've given lots of interviews about those times, and in later years have seemed astonishingly open about them as time fades, grudges ease, and social norms continue to evolve. I just think it would be fun to hear stories about those times first hand, and to get their opinions on a number of subjects. Like what they think about how music has evolved, how they've coped with fame, and what they may have done differently. Hopefully it wouldn't be like the Chris Farley Show with Paul McCartney: "Remember when you were in the Beatles....?"

2. Henry Kissinger. THAT guy knew what real power was and how to use it. National Security Advisor, then Secretary of State to Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford. He was the point man on Vietnam, the 1973 Arab-Israeli War, détente, the opening to China, the Chilean intervention, the India-Pakistan conflict, on and on. And we could talk about Nixon. Plus, I like how he speaks.

1. Henry Aaron. It might have been Muhammad Ali, but I think the conversation with Aaron would go better. One of the greatest baseball players of all time or on the short list. And played during baseball's 1950s and 60s heyday. Knew the absolute pinnacle of athleticism and competition, yet experienced prejudice and overcame significant obstacles. Played in the Negro Leagues and yet later became a long-time Major League All-Star. Five tool guy, but despite the publicity his home run chase brought him, he never really received the respect for his all around baseball talent and achievement. Unbridled enthusiasm for the game despite having experienced some of the most vile hatred imaginable. In interviews, Aaron has expressed some really keen and provoking insights into sports and society in general. And I want to find out what he thought when those longhairs ran out on the infield as he was rounding second as he hit home run 715. And I could ask him about his Milwaukee teammate, Bob Uecker.

NEXT-Top 5 Things or People That Annoy Me. Oh, great. That should be uplifting.

Top 5 Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory Characters

Voyage of the Damned through Chocolate

“We are the music makers...and we are the dreamers of dreams..."

--Willy Wonka

Most of you probably think of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and as a sweet, light-hearted and uplifting fantasy tale about a child’s wishes coming true, and about the love of family triumphing over crass materialism. I see it as a child’s version of Voyage of the Damned.

So in listing the Top 5 Willy Wonka characters, my list probably deviates radically from yours or anyone else’s (if they put in the longer than five seconds it takes to come up with such a list; most people don’t because they have actual lives involving something other than listing the top five characters from 40 year old movies, startling as that may be). I’ll assume of course that you’ve seen the movie. If not, I can’t really think of any polite way to ask this…what the hell is wrong with you? You probably haven’t seen A Charlie Brown Christmas either. Or ET. Or a Super Bowl. Or know who is the President (hint, its not Nixon). Please crawl out of your xBox and watch a classic.

Anyway, I know everyone thinks this is such a delightful movie, but I can only see a parade of horrors and atrocities rivaling a Brezhnev-era Soviet gulag.

Captive Workers

Shall we start with that human trafficking slave labor factory calling itself “Wonka Chocolate”? Wonka abducted the Oompa Loompas, snuck them past international immigration authorities no doubt using forged and stolen identification documents, and now refuses to let them leave the factory or receive any family or friends as visitors. Oh, sure, he said their land was “war-torn,” and that Vermicious Knids, Whangdoodles, Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers constantly attacked them, but that doesn’t excuse human trafficking. Working hours appear to last well beyond internationally accepted norms, and the Oompa Loompas receive no visible pay. Unless you consider singing company-praising work songs as “pay.” Wonka forces them to don ridiculous costumes and spend excessive hours in tanning beds.

Beyond just their status and conditions, Wonka forces the Oompa Loompas to work with unsafe and hazardous machinery, with no warnings and inadequate medical care. Experimental foods that risk physical explosion. Chocolate rivers running through high density work areas with inadequate railing or lifesaving equipment nearby. TV transmission devices that irreversibly shrink people (in the Oompa Loompas’ case, they can’t stand much shrinking). Fizzy lifting gas that risks the drinker falling into whirring blades. And as Wonka refuses to allow and/or has managed to thwart any regulatory agency from inspecting the premises, or any Oompa Loompa from leaving the factory to file a worker’s compensation claim, they lack any recourse when injured.

Child Abduction Victims

Then we come to Wonka’s unexplained fascination with using chocolate to lure little children to his factory. This over-40 year old man devises a contest to have a small group of children, with their easily distracted parents, spend an entire day prowling through his factory. Which as we’ve established lies outside any law enforcement monitoring or control? Then when they arrive, they’re exposed to the aforementioned dangerous conditions, only worse, because as children they’re naturally vulnerable to such “attractive nuisances.”  Wonka carefully obtains legal releases before the tour (using such indecipherable print that most modern Western judicial systems would refuse to enforce such waivers), then provides no or insufficient warnings, employs no safety measures or preliminary “be careful on your tour today” instructions, and fails to have adequate medical care standing by in case of accidents. He sings creepy stalker songs and alters speed, sound, and light to distract the tour group, rendering it more susceptible to the factory’s dangers. Little wonder every child eventually suffers some significant physical danger. Then, having promised to give each one a lifetime supply of chocolate, he surreptitiously sends his assistant to play Slugworth, to induce the kids to breach their agreements. The agreements which, as I mentioned before, likely would not stand up in court in the first place. But a court would enforce them when one party induced the other to breach by misrepresentation and fraud. Like Wonka.

Then there’s this Charlie Bucket kid. Possibly the most selfish and spoiled kid in children’s cinema. He has four bedridden grandparents, all living in his parents’ house. They live in destitution. Yet, when he gets a little change in his pocket, what does he do? Contribute to the family’s care? No. He goes out and buys candy. Selfish little jerk. Don’t tell me that his grandpa talks him into it. True character doesn’t sway from evil persuasion. Then he gets his invalid grandpa to leave his sick bed and take Charlie to the factory. All that walking, despite the fact that grandpa has spent most of the last few years in bed. Can you believe this kid? Then, at the factory, despite being specifically told not to drink the Fizzy Lifting Drinks, he does it anyway, thereby demonstrating contempt for rules or anything else standing in his way.

The end makes no sense. First of all, a flying elevator? What, he didn’t have any carpets he could fly around town? What did it use for propulsion, for lift? And how did it land? Why would anyone build a chocolate factory with a flying glass elevator? Then Wonka just hands over his factory to Charlie? No director’s and officer’s liability or premises insurance company, or surety bond company, would cover Charlie. As a minor, he would not be eligible to sign regulatory filings or vendor and distributor contracts. And in installing Charlie as factory owner, Wonka has set him up as the Oompa Loompas’ new slave master, responsible for their physical welfare even though he showed no inclination to help even his own family members.

So I see Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory very differently than most other people. Which leads me to a possibly surprising Top 5 list.

Top 5 Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory Characters:

5.Grandpa Joe. The grandpa spends the whole movie looking out for and promoting Charlie, which is a damn sight more than Charlie ever did for him. The grandpa, though physically impaired, sacrificed to take Charlie on the tour when his parents bailed on him. By the way, did Charlie actually have parents? Because they were never around if so.

4. Slugworth. Though a Wonka flunky, he masterfully and cleverly schemed and persuaded those kids and their greedy parents to take a gobstopper, and thereby void their contracts. Though he plays the rival spy as a sinister, shadowy type, he reveals himself at the end as a jovial, happy sort, albeit in Wonka’s service (and Charlie’s at the end, presumably).

Veruca Salt

3. Veruca Salt. Wow, just some all-time materialistic crazy, in the Britney/Paris mold. But though she steamrolls everyone around her, you have to admire her take charge attitude, certainty of purpose, and single-minded determination. No pretense here, just the doggest pursuit of what’s best for ME. And she has the best line of the movie: “Whoever heard of a snozzberry?” Veruca probably went on to hold a position in the Thatcher Cabinet.

Violet Beauregarde

2. Violet Beauregarde. This girl ate the complete meal candy, and wound up swollen up like a blueberry. Or became a blueberry. I wasn’t exactly sure. Selfish, ok maybe, but what kid could resist a candy that contained an entire meal. Violet demonstrated adventurousness, courage, and resourcefulness. Though a little alarmed at becoming three times her normal size, she didn’t panic, and probably enjoyed all the delicious blueberry cobbler pressed from her. Violet, once drained, probably became Martha Stewart.

1. Mike Teavee. Now this kid was the one who knew everything about television, wanted to be on television, and was ready when his break came. He got on television by God. How could he have possibly foreseen that Wonka couldn’t reverse the shrinking process? Assuming he did regain his size, he probably became Ryan Seacrest.

NEXT-Top 5 People I’d Like to Meet. Hint: no one named Kardashian.

Great Moments In Writing: The Giants-Vikings Monday Night Football Game

Gotta interrupt the Top 5's momentarily. I know. Its disappointing isn't it?

Many of you may remember this series. I was going to highlight great writing examples. I posted about one or two, then trailed off. Not because I forgot. Mainly because I couldn't find any good writing. Most of what I read these days makes the Showgirls script seem like To Kill A Mockingbird

Nowhere does that hold more true than with sportswriting. Anyone still willing to become a print journalist these days goes into news, commentary, or exposes college football recruiting violations for Yahoo Sports. The reporters who cover games? They're more concerned with finding the best buffets, scoring free rounds of golf, and preserving their access to coaches and players than with writing anything remotely interesting.

Take tonight's Monday Night Football game between the Giants and Vikings. It was...simply awful. I think it broke my DVR. ESPN 2's Tuesday night MAAC showdowns think this game was horrific. The Rice Owls play more exciting football than this crapitude. The normal sportswriter would probably pound out something like "the Giants' defense, which has allowed an unusually high amount of passing this season, frustrated Josh Freeman's Vikings debut."

Oh, sorry. I think I fell asleep just writing that.

These guys don't want to alienate players or coaches by saying negative things, so they mostly write a bunch of vanilla sentences as boring as a Microsoft FAQ page.

Not Steve Politi's story for the New Jersey Star-Ledger. Entitled "Giants-Vikings Is Better Off Forgotten-The Sooner The Better," for once a sportswriter has actually written something interesting about a game. And accurate. The first sentence follows the old reporting admonition to sum up the entire story in the first sentence: "I have witnessed the worst game in the history of professional football." That's pretty much the most precise description of anything I've ever read. The remainder pretty much goes from there. But really, when Peyton Hillis is a game's feature back, there's not much else you can do with that, is there? Conway, Arkansas, yall....

This story is what Howard Cosell would call "telling it like it is."

I don't want to spoil the rest so I'll just shut it down here. Go read the story!

We'll pick up the Top 5's soon. Very soon....

Top 5 Worst Athletic Performances in the Movies (a/k/a Guys Who Should Never Run In Public).

Breathing out of the wrong eyelid

If you can't throw a ball through the air without looking like Bieber protecting his girlish purity against  Jenny McCarthy's wanton advances, then I have absolutely no use for you.

--Chris Reeder, "Top 5 Ways I Judge People," Daily Affirmations with Chris Reeder (2013)

So, now I'm quoting myself? My future self? Posts I haven't written yet? How very end of Back to the Future. Where we're going, we don't need roads. Or plutonium either. Well, say what you will about bloggers. This one just gave you a glimpse into the future. I'd like to see Hyperbole and a Half pull that off. You're welcome.

You know, I could never act. If by "act" you mean something other than standing on stage or in front of a camera and clearly recite a line when cued. I mean, I can do that, but not much else. Which, now that I think about it, would put me light years ahead of Keanu Reeves. So I take it back. I could totally act. But anyway, I've got one thing over TONS of guys who make bazillions in the cinema...I can throw a ball properly.  I could run to first. I could swing a bat, catch a football, shoot a free throw. In other words, just like millions of American boys and girls, I could do something on camera or stage that lots of he-man macho action stars cannot. Without looking like a goldfish out of its bowl flopping on your floor. Or Bieber.

What the hell, man? Doesn't everyone learn how to do this stuff in PE class? Isn't there some law that schools have to teach kids how to throw a ball? But watching a lot of movies these last few years, I'm not so sure. A lot of these guys look like they learned how to act at Julliard. A lot of them also looked like that's where they learned how to play ball. Oy.

A performance, whether a movie or on stage, requires the audience to make a certain suspension of disbelief. Intellectually, we know that Luke Skywalker didn't really have a light saber battle with Darth Vader. That Sylvester Stallone and Carl Weathers weren't really boxing. The cops aren't really shooting the bad guys at the end. Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis weren't really having sex. (Yeah, we really knew that one; those two made Will and Grace look like a smokin' hot couple). But they act well enough and the scenery, props, costumes, and so forth look sufficiently real that we can set that fact aside and enjoy the performance. So if its a movie about a race car driver, using a few real race cars makes the movie more believable and the acting more realistic. If its a World War Two movie, making it in Europe or somewhere that looks like Europe generally beats making it in the Hollywood hills. See what I mean?

That same suspension of disbelief idea applies to the actors and the acting as well. Neil Patrick Harris could probably act the hell out if it, but he ain't gonna be the next James Bond. Laura Linney's in everything, I know, but she's not starring in A Raisin In the Sun anytime soon. Jason Alexander's not playing the President of the United States. Its just too jarring. They can deliver the lines and make the right gestures, but your mind just can't set aside the fact that that's not at all believable. Its the same problem I have watching nearly any movie about a trial. I can never get past the fact that the actions occurring in the movie trial could never occur in a real trial. I assume doctors and police officers have similar reactions to crime shows and medical dramas.

This applies not only to the actor's general personality, but his or her body control and movement. A wooden, laconic actor who just stands there and recites the lines (like they mostly did before Brando), just never can bridge the gap to make you think that character is a real person doing real things. Cough!! [Kevin Costner] Cough!!

And nowhere does physicality become more an issue than in movies about athletes or other stories where the physical scenes dominate the plot. John Wayne could ride the hell out of a horse and make you believe he was really a cowboy. Kirk Douglas seemed like he was a gladiator in Spartacus. Errol Flynn could really wield a sword and make you think he was a pirate. DeNiro, who of course was a great actor (before he cashed in, signed "Meet the Fockers"), absolutely looked like a boxer in Raging Bull. Newman absolutely was a pool hustler in The Hustler. The second greatest action scene in movie history is the chariot race in Ben Hur (first is D-Day in Saving Private Ryan, obvs). Charlton Heston performed nearly every second of his character's scenes. Had he not, had it been some chopped up, close frame sequence, that central part of the movie would have fallen flat. Now days, I suppose they could have used CGI or a bunch of close-up and cut away shots to achieve a similar effect, but nothing tops the actor really performing the actions the script describes.

Movies about athletes or that involve athletic events really put a premium on finding performers who can actually do the movements their characters perform. Yet, time after time, Hollywood casts actors in these roles that simply cannot master their characters' athletic movements. Which totally ruins the movie. If I'm going to invest two hours and a small fortune to watch a movie about a baseball player, said player should at least be able to swing a bat as well as I can. Otherwise it just screams "FAKE!!" and what's the fun of that?

So, these people below really owe us our collective ticket price back. Their pansy, slip shod, two left feet athletic performances reached unparalleled heights of putrescence in these movies. Its almost like you wonder how they make it out to their car every morning they're so atrociously uncoordinated.

5. Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf. Hmm, a movie about a high school kid who plays basketball and becomes a wolf. No problem! Hire a guy 5'3" guy who the girls will think is cute. Just because you're short doesn't mean you can't ball. The NBA has seen plenty of "undersized" stars. So its not so much his height as his complete and utter lack of game. I've seen three year olds whose mothers hand them the ball to play Pop A Shot at Dave and Busters who have better skillz. My friends' sweet little girl Nina, all of 10 years old, could totally have posted up MJFox in that movie and dunk on foolz. Nice casting. Oh, and nice touch having the fat kid who played Francis in Pee Wee's Big Adventure playing on the same team. Guess he had to have something to do once he got rid of PW's bike. What, they couldn't get Screech to play power forward?

4. John Goodman in The Babe. This was just...not good. Goodman is a gifted, versatile actor who's given many compelling performances. But this was just embarrassing. Basically he looks like a natural right handed hitter trying to hit left handed. And not very well. He twisted his entire body and swung from his arms, clearly going over the top of the ball. I've seen kids whacking piñatas with greater authority. At least it didn't detract from the movie. Uh, as far as I know, 'cause I had to watch paint dry that day.

3. Tom Cruise in War of the Worlds. Not really about an athlete, but he has to throw a baseball. And holy crap, is that ever horrific? That kid who he's throwing with could barely hide his embarrassment. Tom's couch dancing on Oprah thought that was shameful.

2. Tom Cruise running...in every movie he ever made. I know, I know, we're all wrong about, you know...that. But good Lord man. If you run like the FTD floral delivery guy, you should probably take more roles where you sit behind a desk. Or wear underwear and lip synch to Bob Seger. Kind of like how Brando did in Streetcar....

1. Tim Robbins in Bull Durham. The Olivier's Hamlet of bad athletic performances. Robbins, as you know, plays Eppy Calvin "Nook" LaLoosh, a pitching phenom with a million dollar arm and a 10 cent head. Yet, Robbins absolutely cannot throw a ball, much less look even remotely like a professional athlete. His "windup" resembles an epileptic seizure, or Marty's interpretive dance in The Big Lebowski. He scrunches his face like Kermit the Frog watching a cock fight, he looks behind himself as if he were Luis Tiant (which, he was not), his legs and arms are on two totally different schedules, and his arm motion looks more like he's a bowler in cricket than a baseball pitcher. Definitely NOT the way to announce your presence with authority. I guess in some ways its a little unfair to criticize him. He's playing against Costner, who though generally a wooden actor, plays baseball far better than he acts. He handles the non-baseball scenes quite well, nailing the idiotic, self-absorbed, unjustifiably proud pro athlete character. And, Tim Robbins has given several outstanding acting performances in highly acclaimed movies. But...he wasn't balling out in those movies. Kind of like he's not doing that in Bull Durham either. The rose goes in front, big guy.

Honorable Mention: how could I leave out the Top Gun volleyball scene? Its not that they lack any acting or athletic ability. Its just that if I wanted to watch gay porn, I'd have just gone to the SXSW Film Festival. Playing With the Boys indeed. "El cine es la lengua universal."

NEXT-Top 5 Willy Wonka characters. And I mean the 1971 Gene Wilder movie, not the source book or the Johnny Depp playing Michael Jackson remake. "I want an Oompa Loompa NOW!!!!!"

Top 5 Things in Lindsay Lohan's Purse

Lindsay's Mugshots

Drugs are bad, because if you do drugs, you're a hippie. And hippies suck.
--Eric Cartman, South Park

Newsflash: American Treasure, Lindsay Lohan, poor thing, bless her heart. Well, um, how to put it? She has a few personal problems. I'm telling you that just in case you've been on a mission to Mars these last few years. Or are a time traveler from 1992. Or you've been working on your Liberty University degree. In other words, you've been totally isolated from the rest of the world the last 10 years. 'Cause most everyone else knows all about Lindsay's deal. The Amish have gotten tired of Lindsay getting so much exposure (unintended pun, but can I disassociate myself from it?).

Yes, La Lohan has been been dealt some cruel blows these last few years (I didn't really intend that pun either, but I'll claim it). Like being what those in the psychiatric profession like to call "bat shit crazy."  And, countless, and I do literally mean "countless" articles and reports have detailed this Ginger Crazy Train:

• Shoplifting
• Clubbing all the time
• Diva-like on-set behavior
• Car wrecks
• DWIs
• Jail stints
• Rehab stints
• Revolving door relationships
• Not appearing at mandatory court hearings
• Posing in Playboy
• Violating probation (thanks, pesky "no alcohol or drugs" clauses)
• Getting fired from roles
• Being so erratic she could only manage "Dick and Liz," which reputedly was just as good as "Casablanca," if Casablanca were the worst movie of all time
• Running people off the road
• Flashing her hooch to photographers
• Smoking. Even though she has asthma.
• Looking 45...when she's still only 27.

Let that last point soak in. Lindsay Lohan is 27 years old. Un...believable.

And I left out...lots and lots and lots of arrests. Did I mention, a LOT of arrests? Pacman Jones thinks Lindsay has a lot of legal problems. Oh, and the fact that she's served no more than a few days tops, despite a one-woman crime spree that the Gambino family would be proud of, what a shining triumph for the California justice system. I suppose if they found a couple of dead bodies in her trunk, what, maybe 30 days' community service (unless the murderees had a development deal with Sony--hey, Hollywood's a tough town). I like how when she gets "sentenced" to rehab, its at places I can only dream of going. "Promises-Malibu"? If I can fake a cocaine addiction can I go there too?

Lindsay's not the only trophy in the Disney awards room.  Disney has launched teen after teen into a lifestyle of sleazery. What the hell is going on over there anyway? Lindsay, Zac, Miley, Vanessa, Demi, Shia, and the former Queen of Crazy, Britney Spears? Who do they think they are, the 1994 Dallas Cowboys? Click here to get a rundown on their former child stars' arrest records. Looks like these people wished upon a star to pass their breathalyzer tests.

Its hard to imagine how things could have gone so wrong for Lindsay, what with her steadfast parenting and all. Lord, talk about a train wreck. Those two make the Ramseys look the Huxtables.

The one truly sad thing is, unlike her now vanquished party girl contemporaries (Paris, Nicole, Tara, Drew, Amanda and the rest of the gang), Lindsay Lohan actually has talent. Mean Girls wasn't a fluke. She could have had a great career, starred in challenging roles, maybe gotten into producing or directing. But, well, drugs really ARE bad, mmkay, just like Mr. Mackey said.  Take one look at present day Lindsay Lohan, and compare it to before. Sad.

But the USS LiLo keeps on sailing. For now. And she carries a purse. So I thought I'd list the Top 5 things in said purse:

1. Her lawyer's phone number.

2. Her lawyer's alternate phone number.

3. Her lawyer's home phone number.

4. This evening's drug of choice (matched with her outfit, e.g. white outfit = cocaine or another powder drug).

5. Phone to call lawyer. And dealer.

Honorable mention: Chap Stick. Lots and lots of Chap Stick.

No, LiLo doesn't carry a gun.

Stardom's such a pain.

NEXT-Top 5 Worst Athletic Performances in the Movies (a/k/a Guys Who Should Never Run In Public). Tim Robbins, please take note.

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