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| Lindsay's Mugshots |
--Eric Cartman, South Park
Newsflash: American Treasure, Lindsay Lohan, poor thing, bless her heart. Well, um, how to put it? She has a few personal problems. I'm telling you that just in case you've been on a mission to Mars these last few years. Or are a time traveler from 1992. Or you've been working on your Liberty University degree. In other words, you've been totally isolated from the rest of the world the last 10 years. 'Cause most everyone else knows all about Lindsay's deal. The Amish have gotten tired of Lindsay getting so much exposure (unintended pun, but can I disassociate myself from it?).
Yes, La Lohan has been been dealt some cruel blows these last few years (I didn't really intend that pun either, but I'll claim it). Like being what those in the psychiatric profession like to call "bat shit crazy." And, countless, and I do literally mean "countless" articles and reports have detailed this Ginger Crazy Train:
- Shoplifting
- Clubbing all the time
- Diva-like on-set behavior
- Car wrecks
- DWIs
- Jail stints
- Rehab stints
- Revolving door relationships
- Not appearing at mandatory court hearings
- Posing in Playboy
- Violating probation (thanks, pesky "no alcohol or drugs" clauses)
- Getting fired from roles
- Being so erratic she could only manage "Dick and Liz," which reputedly was just as good as "Casablanca," if Casablanca were the worst movie of all time
- Running people off the road
- Flashing her hooch to photographers
- Smoking. Even though she has asthma.
- Looking 45...when she's still only 27.
And I left out...lots and lots and lots of arrests. Did I mention, a LOT of arrests? Pacman Jones thinks Lindsay has a lot of legal problems. Oh, and the fact that she's served no more than a few days tops, despite a one-woman crime spree that the Gambino family would be proud of, what a shining triumph for the California justice system. I suppose if they found a couple of dead bodies in her trunk, what, maybe 30 days' community service (unless the murderees had a development deal with Sony--hey, Hollywood's a tough town). I like how when she gets "sentenced" to rehab, its at places I can only dream of going. "Promises-Malibu"? If I can fake a cocaine addiction can I go there too?
Lindsay's not the only trophy in the Disney awards room. Disney has launched teen after teen into a lifestyle of sleazery. What the hell is going on over there anyway? Lindsay, Zac, Miley, Vanessa, Demi, Shia, and the former Queen of Crazy, Britney Spears? Who do they think they are, the 1994 Dallas Cowboys? Click here to get a rundown on their former child stars' arrest records. Looks like these people wished upon a star to pass their breathalyzer tests.
Its hard to imagine how things could have gone so wrong for Lindsay, what with her steadfast parenting and all. Lord, talk about a train wreck. Those two make the Ramseys look the Huxtables.
The one truly sad thing is, unlike her now vanquished party girl contemporaries (Paris, Nicole, Tara, Drew, Amanda and the rest of the gang), Lindsay Lohan actually has talent. Mean Girls wasn't a fluke. She could have had a great career, starred in challenging roles, maybe gotten into producing or directing. But, well, drugs really ARE bad, mmkay, just like Mr. Mackey said. Take one look at present day Lindsay Lohan, and compare it to before. Sad.
But the USS LiLo keeps on sailing. For now. And she carries a purse. So I thought I'd list the Top 5 things in said purse:
1. Her lawyer's phone number.
2. Her lawyer's alternate phone number.
3. Her lawyer's home phone number.
4. This evening's drug of choice (matched with her outfit, e.g. white outfit = cocaine or another powder drug).
5. Phone to call lawyer. And dealer.
Honorable mention: Chap Stick. Lots and lots of Chap Stick.
No, LiLo doesn't carry a gun.
Stardom's such a pain.
NEXT-Top 5 Worst Athletic Performances in the Movies (a/k/a Guys Who Should Never Run In Public). Tim Robbins, please take note.
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