"There are some things which cannot be learned quickly, and time, which is all we have, must be paid heavily for their acquiring. They are simple things, and because it takes a man's life to know them, the little new that each man gets from life is very costly and the only heritage he has to leave."
--Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon
I guess writing about bullfighting and deep sea fishing is part of that process.
While wondering whether Congress passed some law that Laura Linney has to be in everything, and watching the juggernaut that is the New England Patriots make another NFL team look like a bunch of slappies, I’m going to let some of you men out there in on some basics that until recently I thought we all had down. In my recent travels, I overheard a thirty-something looking man saying he didn’t know how to tie a tie. That’s like not knowing how to brush your teeth or not understanding a point spread. It got me thinking about some other oddities I’ve seen lately, and finally made me realize, there’s a lot of you out there who clearly don’t have a clue.
There’s some things every American man should know how to do, if for no other reason than to preserve some semblance of a society. I try to set them out by category below. Although this sounds like a rejected GQ or Esquire article, it is instead a genuine plea to my fellow American men to get with the program. For the most part, this is not a “how to” guide or advice (some criticism I just can’t help); you’re going to have to learn these things on your own. It also doesn’t go over things you should have learned by the time you were five, like, how to throw a baseball properly. Some things are so obvious if you don’t know them by now you’re just never going to catch up. And just because you know how to do these things doesn’t mean you should do them. No use spending forever doing your taxes, for example, if its more efficient to hire someone. But you still need to know how to do them to ensure the people you hire do them right.
Every man should be able to do these things:
Cars: know how to buy a car without getting screwed, to change a flat, jump start a car, and know when particular items need service (this list used to be a lot longer, but computerization and jamming hundreds of parts into cramped space have made formerly routine tasks virtually impossible without buying your own mechanic’s shop).
Travel: basically this involves knowing how to get to the destination. Know how to read a map, get to the airport/train/bus/hotel, change currency, get medicine and find medical care when needed, find food (both excellent restaurants and daily grub), avoid the local disease and pestilence, and avoid arrest or some other unpleasantness likely to land you in some Third World police hell-hole. Oh, and don’t go to the same place every year. Believe it or not, there’s more in this world than you can see from your discount time share in Port Aransas. (One weekend I spend a month in Port Aransas. It stormed, the hotel room smelled funny, and the clutch broke in my Dad's truck while I was in line for the ferry back to the mainland-a really great getaway).
Dinner/food: every man should know how to cook. Heating a TV dinner or microwaving your take-out doesn’t count. Your wife visiting her sister in Little Rock is not an excuse for you to have Nut ‘N Honey and Coors Light for dinner. From a restaurant perspective, you need to know how you like your steak, the difference between different preparation methods (sauté ≠ fried), when to order fish (not at Denny’s) and what kind to order (no mahi mahi in Boston). You need to know how to order an acceptable bottle of wine. While you don’t need to be James Bond, you do need to know the different kinds, how to order it, receive it, and drink it. Steve Martin’s “Ah, you have colors? I’d like a nice beige wine or maybe a tan one” is not the way to go. Know how to dress appropriately for the place-no flip flops at French Laundry please. Know how to tip, how to get a table not at the kitchen door, and for God’s sake, know and use your table manners.
Home: know how to buy a house, again, without getting screwed. Pick a style and fill said house accordingly (all of you who object to my Elvis stamp print can bite me). Know how to do minor repair work, rather than calling a repairman every time you need to replace a faucet washer. Know how to do routine maintenance as well. Also, learn to do the basic tasks about the house-washing clothes, ironing, cleaning house, etc.
Family: basically, take care of your business. Know when your family needs more of you, and when they need less of you. Know how to do your kids’ homework, until they’re about 15. Know what your wife does every day (not in a stalker way, but in a “sharing your life” kind of way). Remember the line from the Godfather: “A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.”
Work and money: know how to get, keep, and perform a job. Doesn’t matter what it is, just so long as its an honest job—every honest job is honorable. Know how to do the jobs of those whom you supervise. Know how to invest money, save it and define your savings goals, and to keep enough of it to feed, clothe and house yourself. Finally, know how to do your taxes.
Women: Exercising restraint here. Know how to ask someone out properly, and to put together a date with options in case she’s not thrilled with your first idea. Know how to dance, find a place to listen to decent music, know interesting places to talk, and always have in mind several fun things to do (i.e. fun places to go). You don’t need to start watching Oprah, but you do need to know some rudimentary “girl stuff” too-be aware of her new hairstyle, dress, jewelry, shoes, and know the difference between the good and bad of those things. Know how to listen to women (“women do not care about what you have to say...at all”-40 Year Old Virgin). Know and practice manners, including not looking at other women while you’re out with one. Know how and when to send notes, flowers, buy jewelry, and any other appropriate presents (no perfume as generic gift, please). Know how to dress appropriately, no one likes to be with a slob. Know how to polish (her) finger and toe nails, and to give a shoulder massage. Finally, know when its over. Try to keep a little dignity.
Other: some of these things cross boundaries. Know how to give occasion-appropriate gifts, to send flowers, tie a tie, polish your shoes, change a diaper and babysit, behave in a church, get tickets to games and performances, meet parents, smoke a cigar, camp, fish, operate a computer, select and serve champagne, send an appropriate thank you note, tell a joke, make a wedding toast, pray in public, and swim.
I’m sure there’s lots of other things every man should know how to do. Interested to hear your ideas (or complaints).
The Daily Affirmations Skills Inventory for Women is considerably shorter, but in the interest of self-defense I will not be posting it.
P.S. Casablanca is coming on now. I've often said I don't trust a man who doesn't like Patsy Cline, and believe I will amend that to include a man who hasn't seen or doesn't appreciate Casablanca.
--Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon
I guess writing about bullfighting and deep sea fishing is part of that process.
While wondering whether Congress passed some law that Laura Linney has to be in everything, and watching the juggernaut that is the New England Patriots make another NFL team look like a bunch of slappies, I’m going to let some of you men out there in on some basics that until recently I thought we all had down. In my recent travels, I overheard a thirty-something looking man saying he didn’t know how to tie a tie. That’s like not knowing how to brush your teeth or not understanding a point spread. It got me thinking about some other oddities I’ve seen lately, and finally made me realize, there’s a lot of you out there who clearly don’t have a clue.
There’s some things every American man should know how to do, if for no other reason than to preserve some semblance of a society. I try to set them out by category below. Although this sounds like a rejected GQ or Esquire article, it is instead a genuine plea to my fellow American men to get with the program. For the most part, this is not a “how to” guide or advice (some criticism I just can’t help); you’re going to have to learn these things on your own. It also doesn’t go over things you should have learned by the time you were five, like, how to throw a baseball properly. Some things are so obvious if you don’t know them by now you’re just never going to catch up. And just because you know how to do these things doesn’t mean you should do them. No use spending forever doing your taxes, for example, if its more efficient to hire someone. But you still need to know how to do them to ensure the people you hire do them right.
Every man should be able to do these things:
Cars: know how to buy a car without getting screwed, to change a flat, jump start a car, and know when particular items need service (this list used to be a lot longer, but computerization and jamming hundreds of parts into cramped space have made formerly routine tasks virtually impossible without buying your own mechanic’s shop).
Travel: basically this involves knowing how to get to the destination. Know how to read a map, get to the airport/train/bus/hotel, change currency, get medicine and find medical care when needed, find food (both excellent restaurants and daily grub), avoid the local disease and pestilence, and avoid arrest or some other unpleasantness likely to land you in some Third World police hell-hole. Oh, and don’t go to the same place every year. Believe it or not, there’s more in this world than you can see from your discount time share in Port Aransas. (One weekend I spend a month in Port Aransas. It stormed, the hotel room smelled funny, and the clutch broke in my Dad's truck while I was in line for the ferry back to the mainland-a really great getaway).
Dinner/food: every man should know how to cook. Heating a TV dinner or microwaving your take-out doesn’t count. Your wife visiting her sister in Little Rock is not an excuse for you to have Nut ‘N Honey and Coors Light for dinner. From a restaurant perspective, you need to know how you like your steak, the difference between different preparation methods (sauté ≠ fried), when to order fish (not at Denny’s) and what kind to order (no mahi mahi in Boston). You need to know how to order an acceptable bottle of wine. While you don’t need to be James Bond, you do need to know the different kinds, how to order it, receive it, and drink it. Steve Martin’s “Ah, you have colors? I’d like a nice beige wine or maybe a tan one” is not the way to go. Know how to dress appropriately for the place-no flip flops at French Laundry please. Know how to tip, how to get a table not at the kitchen door, and for God’s sake, know and use your table manners.
Home: know how to buy a house, again, without getting screwed. Pick a style and fill said house accordingly (all of you who object to my Elvis stamp print can bite me). Know how to do minor repair work, rather than calling a repairman every time you need to replace a faucet washer. Know how to do routine maintenance as well. Also, learn to do the basic tasks about the house-washing clothes, ironing, cleaning house, etc.
Family: basically, take care of your business. Know when your family needs more of you, and when they need less of you. Know how to do your kids’ homework, until they’re about 15. Know what your wife does every day (not in a stalker way, but in a “sharing your life” kind of way). Remember the line from the Godfather: “A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.”
Work and money: know how to get, keep, and perform a job. Doesn’t matter what it is, just so long as its an honest job—every honest job is honorable. Know how to do the jobs of those whom you supervise. Know how to invest money, save it and define your savings goals, and to keep enough of it to feed, clothe and house yourself. Finally, know how to do your taxes.
Women: Exercising restraint here. Know how to ask someone out properly, and to put together a date with options in case she’s not thrilled with your first idea. Know how to dance, find a place to listen to decent music, know interesting places to talk, and always have in mind several fun things to do (i.e. fun places to go). You don’t need to start watching Oprah, but you do need to know some rudimentary “girl stuff” too-be aware of her new hairstyle, dress, jewelry, shoes, and know the difference between the good and bad of those things. Know how to listen to women (“women do not care about what you have to say...at all”-40 Year Old Virgin). Know and practice manners, including not looking at other women while you’re out with one. Know how and when to send notes, flowers, buy jewelry, and any other appropriate presents (no perfume as generic gift, please). Know how to dress appropriately, no one likes to be with a slob. Know how to polish (her) finger and toe nails, and to give a shoulder massage. Finally, know when its over. Try to keep a little dignity.
Other: some of these things cross boundaries. Know how to give occasion-appropriate gifts, to send flowers, tie a tie, polish your shoes, change a diaper and babysit, behave in a church, get tickets to games and performances, meet parents, smoke a cigar, camp, fish, operate a computer, select and serve champagne, send an appropriate thank you note, tell a joke, make a wedding toast, pray in public, and swim.
I’m sure there’s lots of other things every man should know how to do. Interested to hear your ideas (or complaints).
The Daily Affirmations Skills Inventory for Women is considerably shorter, but in the interest of self-defense I will not be posting it.
P.S. Casablanca is coming on now. I've often said I don't trust a man who doesn't like Patsy Cline, and believe I will amend that to include a man who hasn't seen or doesn't appreciate Casablanca.
1 comment:
Refreshing to hear a man say all these things. The only comment I have is, if you can do all those things, why would you need a wife? Maybe a corollary would be: be able to do all these things, but let her feel like she has something left to offer.
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