"Who's the big winner? Mikey's the big winner."
--Vince Vaughan, Swingers
Passing what is shaping up to be one of my more enjoyable New Year's Eves-no fighting with my date, getting ill at a football game or in Deep Elum (and having my girlfriend dump me while I had 104 degree fever), or setting up six hours for a party at which I stayed for two. Instead, Dad and I are doing our white Sanford and Son impression-watching football and commenting on the great issues of the day. As 2007 gives way to 2008, and as Clemson vs. Auburn ends and Top Hat takes its place, I thought I'd end the year by recapping the winners and losers of the year. Lots of people do the Best and Worst lists, this is my own slant. No particular order here, just some random thoughts.
Winners
1. The Spears Sisters. Britney and Jamie Lynn made a bold move to wrest control of the title of "Biggest Trainwreck Sisters" from the Hiltons. Now, this is a crowded field, what with the Hiltons, Olsens, Simpsons, and Duffs. Oh, and don't forget the "Seniors Tour" of sisterly craziness, starring the Garland girls, Jacksons, Gabors, and of course the all-time champions in this category, Olivia DeHavilland and Joan Fontaine. But Britney by herself was able to stay competitive in this category, what with her recent spectacular multi-sport run (multiple legal problems, professional embarrassment, parenting and marital disasters, estrangement from her mother, substance abuse, public indecency, and in a brilliant "stroke" of genius, head-shaving). Britney's been carrying a disproportionate share in this event, sort of like Tommie Aaron's 13 home runs put together with Hank Aaron's 755 makes them the top home-run hitting brothers in the show. But from nowhere, Jamie Lynn made a stunning debut in the trash category with her pregnancy at 16 by her "boyfriend" (right...I think we're going to find out it was the producer really quickly). Now THAT's announcing your presence with authority. I look for great things from these two now that JLS upped the ante. This will be like Lennon and McCartney challenging each other to write ever-better songs, and we'll all be the richer for it. Oh, and don't forget, there's a younger Lohan sister right around the corner. She's 14, already has an album out, and idolizes Lindsay. This is gonna get good.
2. College football coaches. When I was in law school, my professors taught me that a contract when breached obligated the breacher to pay damages, or in some cases to be forced to honor the contract. Apparently this doesn't apply to college football coaches. A contract apparently just means, well, nothing. Signed Todd Graham. These guys win either way-they get out of their contracts when a bigger payday comes along, or get paid off when they're fired. 2007 was open season on job-hopping in the NCAA.
3. Boise State. The 2007 Fiesta Bowl was the weirdest football game ever played, and I mean weirder than Cal-Stanford. Boise State goes up big on the Sooners, only to give it all back, then Zabransky throwing an interception for a TD that appeared to seal it, then the hook and ladder, and statue of liberty at the end to win, and then the running back who wins the MVP award proposes to his cheerleader girlfriend on national TV while being interviewed. I was waiting for the dancing elephants and the circus midget.
4. Republicans. The Democrats finally score what appeared to be a knockout punch, elect the first woman Speaker of the House ever, and set out to end the Iraq war, save the children that the evil Republicans are trying to kill, feed the poor and the sick, tax the rich out of existence, stop all pollution, etc. How did it end? Failure nearly across the board. And the Senate has to keep meeting throughout the recess for fear Bush will nominate judges in their absence. Gosh darn those fiendish Republicans!
5. Toll roads. This is how old I am. I remember back when the government would build roads that anyone could drive on for free. The federal government paid for most of them, out of all the gas taxes. Not so much anymore. Now days the government charges for just about everything it does, so you get taxed on the front end, then you pay again for using the services that your taxes supposedly already paid for. Good thing we've been electing fiscal conservatives all these years.
6. Alec Baldwin. Talk about Lazarus. This guy was one foot in the grave til 30 Rock came along. Now I want to be Jack Donaghy. Thank God for eighth chances. Of course, "you are a rude, thoughtless little pig" probably wasn't the way to go.
7. Ron Paul. Congressional gadfly and resident kook, suddenly transformed into respected Republican presidential candidate and fund-raising champion. This year's Paul Tsongas.
8. Apple. Talk about a run. Apple first practically invents the home computer, only to have the Gates/IBM crowd snake the market from them, then after years of moribund appeal to the hard-core computer geeks, they stumble into a money-making machine called Ipod. Then this year they swindle the market with iPhone, which is tech for "does lots of things poorly." Sort of the Golden Corral of personal technology-its not great but there's a lot of it. Nice to see Microsoft continue stumbling for ways to bust into that market.
9. Bobby Jindal. First non-white Governor of Louisiana. Let's put this into perspective. The main job qualification for this particular position has historically been an ability to tell a great story, date "exotic dancers" and beat a lie detector test. Oh, and being extremely white too. This guy, born in Baton Rouge to Indian immigrant parents, went to Brown University, not LSU or Tulane for God's sake, was a Rhodes Scholar, and worked at McKinsey & Co. before being appointed state Director of Health and Hospitals, then Assistant U.S. Secretary for Health and Human Services, then was elected to Congress. In other words, this guy actually is bright, talented, and capable. In 2008, he will be the youngest sitting governor in the United States. That's what I call being on a roll.
10. Lauren Upton (Miss South Carolina Teen USA). Question: why can't a fifth of Americans locate America on a world map. Answer: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.” Well, exactly. Hey, there've been less articulate Secretaries of State in this country. Look at it this way, how many other times have you heard of Miss South Carolina Teen USA? I thought so.
--Vince Vaughan, Swingers
Passing what is shaping up to be one of my more enjoyable New Year's Eves-no fighting with my date, getting ill at a football game or in Deep Elum (and having my girlfriend dump me while I had 104 degree fever), or setting up six hours for a party at which I stayed for two. Instead, Dad and I are doing our white Sanford and Son impression-watching football and commenting on the great issues of the day. As 2007 gives way to 2008, and as Clemson vs. Auburn ends and Top Hat takes its place, I thought I'd end the year by recapping the winners and losers of the year. Lots of people do the Best and Worst lists, this is my own slant. No particular order here, just some random thoughts.
Winners
1. The Spears Sisters. Britney and Jamie Lynn made a bold move to wrest control of the title of "Biggest Trainwreck Sisters" from the Hiltons. Now, this is a crowded field, what with the Hiltons, Olsens, Simpsons, and Duffs. Oh, and don't forget the "Seniors Tour" of sisterly craziness, starring the Garland girls, Jacksons, Gabors, and of course the all-time champions in this category, Olivia DeHavilland and Joan Fontaine. But Britney by herself was able to stay competitive in this category, what with her recent spectacular multi-sport run (multiple legal problems, professional embarrassment, parenting and marital disasters, estrangement from her mother, substance abuse, public indecency, and in a brilliant "stroke" of genius, head-shaving). Britney's been carrying a disproportionate share in this event, sort of like Tommie Aaron's 13 home runs put together with Hank Aaron's 755 makes them the top home-run hitting brothers in the show. But from nowhere, Jamie Lynn made a stunning debut in the trash category with her pregnancy at 16 by her "boyfriend" (right...I think we're going to find out it was the producer really quickly). Now THAT's announcing your presence with authority. I look for great things from these two now that JLS upped the ante. This will be like Lennon and McCartney challenging each other to write ever-better songs, and we'll all be the richer for it. Oh, and don't forget, there's a younger Lohan sister right around the corner. She's 14, already has an album out, and idolizes Lindsay. This is gonna get good.
2. College football coaches. When I was in law school, my professors taught me that a contract when breached obligated the breacher to pay damages, or in some cases to be forced to honor the contract. Apparently this doesn't apply to college football coaches. A contract apparently just means, well, nothing. Signed Todd Graham. These guys win either way-they get out of their contracts when a bigger payday comes along, or get paid off when they're fired. 2007 was open season on job-hopping in the NCAA.
3. Boise State. The 2007 Fiesta Bowl was the weirdest football game ever played, and I mean weirder than Cal-Stanford. Boise State goes up big on the Sooners, only to give it all back, then Zabransky throwing an interception for a TD that appeared to seal it, then the hook and ladder, and statue of liberty at the end to win, and then the running back who wins the MVP award proposes to his cheerleader girlfriend on national TV while being interviewed. I was waiting for the dancing elephants and the circus midget.
4. Republicans. The Democrats finally score what appeared to be a knockout punch, elect the first woman Speaker of the House ever, and set out to end the Iraq war, save the children that the evil Republicans are trying to kill, feed the poor and the sick, tax the rich out of existence, stop all pollution, etc. How did it end? Failure nearly across the board. And the Senate has to keep meeting throughout the recess for fear Bush will nominate judges in their absence. Gosh darn those fiendish Republicans!
5. Toll roads. This is how old I am. I remember back when the government would build roads that anyone could drive on for free. The federal government paid for most of them, out of all the gas taxes. Not so much anymore. Now days the government charges for just about everything it does, so you get taxed on the front end, then you pay again for using the services that your taxes supposedly already paid for. Good thing we've been electing fiscal conservatives all these years.
6. Alec Baldwin. Talk about Lazarus. This guy was one foot in the grave til 30 Rock came along. Now I want to be Jack Donaghy. Thank God for eighth chances. Of course, "you are a rude, thoughtless little pig" probably wasn't the way to go.
7. Ron Paul. Congressional gadfly and resident kook, suddenly transformed into respected Republican presidential candidate and fund-raising champion. This year's Paul Tsongas.
8. Apple. Talk about a run. Apple first practically invents the home computer, only to have the Gates/IBM crowd snake the market from them, then after years of moribund appeal to the hard-core computer geeks, they stumble into a money-making machine called Ipod. Then this year they swindle the market with iPhone, which is tech for "does lots of things poorly." Sort of the Golden Corral of personal technology-its not great but there's a lot of it. Nice to see Microsoft continue stumbling for ways to bust into that market.
9. Bobby Jindal. First non-white Governor of Louisiana. Let's put this into perspective. The main job qualification for this particular position has historically been an ability to tell a great story, date "exotic dancers" and beat a lie detector test. Oh, and being extremely white too. This guy, born in Baton Rouge to Indian immigrant parents, went to Brown University, not LSU or Tulane for God's sake, was a Rhodes Scholar, and worked at McKinsey & Co. before being appointed state Director of Health and Hospitals, then Assistant U.S. Secretary for Health and Human Services, then was elected to Congress. In other words, this guy actually is bright, talented, and capable. In 2008, he will be the youngest sitting governor in the United States. That's what I call being on a roll.
10. Lauren Upton (Miss South Carolina Teen USA). Question: why can't a fifth of Americans locate America on a world map. Answer: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.” Well, exactly. Hey, there've been less articulate Secretaries of State in this country. Look at it this way, how many other times have you heard of Miss South Carolina Teen USA? I thought so.
Losers
1. Anna Nicole. We all lost here. Now we can't even make fun of her anymore, which, lets face it, was highly satisfying. Let me go this far though-look at where that woman started and where she got to and that's starting to look like a pretty amazing life. By all rights, she should have expected to stay in Mexia, have 10 kids, and work at the Wal-Mart. That she had 1/10th the life she did was nothing short of remarkable.
2. The Central Texas drought. I began to wonder this summer whether I was living in Austin or Rangoon. It usually rains about three times in Austin between mid-June and September. Everything turns brown, and the newscasts profile "water wasters." This year, rainfall was 10 inches above normal. I didn't know whether to build an Ark or set out crawfish traps.
3. Hollywood. Not the best of times for LA, and its not going to get better any time soon. Now that it doesn't take a Louie B. Mayer or the Goldwyns to finance and distribute a movie, democracy is eating away at the studios' creative stranglehold over movies and television. Robert Rodriguez can make El Mariachi for $7,000, or Blair Witch Project can be made for $60,000. Distribution deals are made at film festivals, or with independent financiers. People don't even go to the movies anymore-they download them from the internet or buy DVDs for cheap. The same thing is occurring on TV-written shows with stories are giving way to so-called reality shows, lacking real actors and writers, costing pennies on the dollar for the traditional shows. In the midst of all this, the writers figured this would be a perfect time to strike. This is sort of like the industrial strikes in the 1970s, as manufacturing and industrial companies were moving overseas and jobs were being lost everywhere. Look at the results. The late night talk shows are going back on without writers. The networks, already competing against a raft of specialized cable and satellite programming, are replacing sitcoms and dramas with more reality shows. What viewing audience is left will soon find they can get along very well without new ER or According to Jim episodes.
4. Houston Rockets. Holy Crap! I thought the demise of Van Gundy ball was supposed to open up the scoring. The Rockets were going to be the Suns East. Now they can't hold a lead at home against Golden State. Tracy McGrady can't play more than about 10 games without getting an ouchie and missing the next three weeks. Steve Francis is lying down on the court beside the bench. Meanwhile the Rockets flounder, and the offense can't even achieve Van Gundy offensive numbers.
5. The 'Roiders. Clemens, Bonds, Marion Jones, Andy Pettite...the list goes on forever. Clemens is toast by the way. Won't it be a shock when his own "investigation" clears him of steroid use? I like that Brian Mcnamee is threatening a libel suit against Clemens. One day these guys will learn they can't just get in front of a microphone and say anything that sounds good without some consequences.
6. Dirty Smelly Austin Hippies. "Keep Austin Weird" is losing to "Pave Austin." More and more, high rise lofts, office buildings, and high-end retail shopping developments are rising over Austin, pushing the freaks back into the wallboards and attics of the town, or moving places they can afford, like Alpine or Wimberly. Of course, WASPs are moving there too, bedeviling these slackers no matter where they go.
7. Larry Craig. I featured this guy previously. Why is he still around?
8. NASA. What does NASA get the most press in years for? Rescuing the Hubble Space Telescope, putting the Space Shuttle back into service, finally putting a teacher in space, trips to and a bold repair job on the International Space Station? No. NASA got more publicity than since Apollo or the last Shuttle disaster when one of its astronauts straps on a diaper, loads up with pepper spray and a BB gun, and heads to Florida to confront the "other woman" that her alleged boyfriend was seeing. Not exactly the Right Stuff, huh? Oh, and lets not forget the drunk astronauts story, or the murder-suicide at the JSC. NASA upper management does not look forward to next year's Congressional budget hearings.
9. Jennifer Love Hewitt. I get that popular culture is far too body conscious, and female body "ideals" are unhealthy. Really I do. I'm the one who defended "fat" Britney after the VMA Awards, remember. And I sympathize with an actess fighting against those unhealthy body expectations. But...damn! Have you seen these pictures? OK, maybe she doesn't have to have her roof removed and have herself lifted by a crane to leave the house, but for someone who until very recently was an underwear model, something is dreadfully wrong. JLH needs to lay off the prednisone, switch to the lowfat Oreos, stay away from Britney's nutritionist, and go for a weekly walk.
10. Rosie. This annoying corpulent mass appears to have finally hit the skids. It was actually somewhat amusing when she was getting killed by the Donald, but taking on the Ladies of the View is an entirely different matter. Rosie has pretty much become the lesbian Roseanne. Remember when Rosie was going to unseat Oprah as queen of daytime talk? Yeah those days are long gone.
11. Stars in need of very good lawyers. Where to start? Phil Spector, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Donald Sutherland, Michael Vick, Don Imus, the Juice...the road goes on forever.
12. Paris. That blood curdling scream, followed by moans, followed by breaking objects, wasn't something in your house, it was Paris Hilton in LA finding out the money's run dry. The old man decided not to give his fortune to his parasitic offspring, and to put it to more worthwhile pursuits. That's right, he cut off the Paris Train. She won't exactly go broke, but she will unless she dials down her lifestyle (and stays out of jail).
Honorable Mention: Chuck Rosenthal. Leave out the moral aspects of an elected public official having a way too close relationship with his secretary. Sending e-mails on state-owned computers to said individual saying things like "I want to kiss you behind the right ear" is so incredibly stupid as to beg the question whether the guy should be the District Attorney in the first place. At least it was her ear.
Well that's probably more than enough. The cold front's blowing through right now (about time-I was bitten by mosquitos in Memorial Park after my run this afternoon). Top Hat's finished, and Swing Time is winding down, as am I. Next I'll share my New Year's Resolutions.
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