You Are In the Audience, Not the Movie

Ladies, you know I love you. Really, I do. And this is going to kill me (and I know some of you will finish me off for this)….

But for the love of God, why are you all wearing your best prom gowns and bridesmaid dresses to go watch the Sex and the City movie? And renting limos for the night, so that you and your 12 other BFF’s can catch dinner at Applebee’s before?

I know that your beer-swilling galoot of a husband or boyfriend rarely leaves the La-Z-Boy long enough for a shower, much less long enough to make it all the way through a quality dress-up affair. I get that you need to take whatever kind of formal to-do you can get. But glamming up to go to the movies? Really? You’re putting on your best clothes, makeup and shoes, and maybe even shaving your legs, to go hang out with a bunch of chicks in a dark theatre sitting in a chair that probably has about five wads of gum on it, with your best shoes sticking like Velcro to the mystery goo that coats most movie theatre floors? What is that?

Let’s get this straight. You are in the audience. You are not in the movie. You’re never going to be in the movie. Even the actors who play characters in a movie don’t wear their costumes to the premiere. What’s happening on the screen is fiction. There is no such person as Carrie Bradshaw. She is a fictional character, played by an actress married to Ferris Bueller and who often doubles for Dee Snider of Twisted Sister. If she saw you in the street she would at most give you 30 seconds of her time while motioning for security. It’s not like Carrie or Samantha or any of the rest of the gang are going to turn to you from the screen and ask for your advice. Mr. Big isn’t your boyfriend either.

Basically, y'all are putting yourself right alongside those Star Wars losers who dress up like storm troopers or jedi knights while they’re waiting outside the theatre to watch the preview for the next installment (and then leave before the movie they’re actually showing because they have no lives outside of Star Wars and playing dress up). You know, the ones who line up outside the theatre for three months before the next movie opens, and who have the complete set of Star Wars models and action character figurines in their room in their stepmom’s basement? The ones who wear their costumes to the local park for their “light saber practice” while they do beer bongs? Yeah. That’s right. They dress in character for the movie too, just like you. Welcome to nerd beach, nerds. Signed, Chad Vader (Darth's younger brother grocery store manager).

Would you go to La Bohème dressed like Mimi, in rags and dying from tuberculosis? Or to see Merchant of Venice dressed like the moneylender Shylock? Or to the IMAX shark movie, dressed like a land shark? No, that would be stupid, right? What’s the difference?

Now you could say you’re just celebrating the lifestyle shown on the screen, and honoring the fact that it reflects your life. Tom and I went to Lebowski Fest, after all, and there was a costume contest. But that was a party, not a movie at the theatre. The problem there is lots of movies show something in society, and honor it. Like heroin addict hit men in Pulp Fiction, or mob soldiers in Good Fellas. But I didn’t exactly see a bunch of dudes in black suits and ties at Pulp Fiction, or dressed in Members Only jackets or velour warmup suits like South Jersey guidos at Good Fellas.

And why exactly would you want to dress like the Sex girls anyway? Look very carefully at that picture above. Is that how you see yourself? Do you really want to start rocking the “growing a plant from my head” look? Who-ville chic may be alright when Yertle the Turtle or the Lorax come over for a Who-feast with roast beast, but unless you can headline a major motion picture, the Cindy Lou Who look really doesn’t make the scene at Sky Bar.

Maybe it works in reverse. Maybe you ladies are inspired to live the lifestyle by the movie or the TV show. That could be dangerous if true though. Can a movie inspire behavior? There were a bunch of idiots provoked into racing their Honda Preludes on downtown streets after they saw The Fast and the Furious. Navy enlistment went up after Top Gun came out. But I don’t think it works that way. Would that we could make the Bloods and the Crips watch West Side Story about 20 times. Kind of hard to do a drive-by when you’re prancing down the alley in unison singing “when you’re a Blood you’re a Blood all the way.”

Now I do have to give you that wearing jerseys to sporting events is similar, but would say that's at least borderline. Its not like if you wear a Rafer Alston jersey Rick Adelman is going to call you down from the upper deck to run the point, or if you wear your Lance Berkman jersey to the yard Coop is going to call you out of the bleachers to spell the Big Puma. The difference, I think, is that the game is actually happening in front of you, the teams encourage you to cheer and show your support for the team, most people don’t wear a full uniform, just the shirt, and everyone does it so its an accepted convention. But its still kind of ridiculous to see some 50 year old guy wearing his XXXL size LaDanian Tomlinson jersey, like he could turn the corner and take it to the house. The only corner that 99% of these guys can turn and take to the house is the entry into the men’s room after about 1 or 50 beers.

So, what we have learned today is civilians should wear their ordinary Old Navy and Academy clothes to the movies, no matter what's playing.