The Young Person's Guide to Practicing Law

Mona Lisa Vito: Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?
Vinny Gambini: I told you why already.
Mona Lisa Vito: He has to, by law, you're entitled. It's called disclosure, you dickhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises.
[Vinny has a blank look on his face]
Mona Lisa Vito: They didn't teach you that in law school either?

--My Cousin Vinny

There's a lot of stuff they don't teach you in law school, or business school, or beauty school. Law schools teach law, but they never tell you anything about how to be a lawyer. Really, no one teaches that kind of thing in a formal setting. You have to pick it up, usually painfully, by trial and error one day at a time, going home crying every night for the mistakes you made all day. Hypothetically. If you're lucky you may work for another lawyer that cares enough to share these little tips with you, but most people don't have that luxury.

Being as how I never go anywhere without a reason, today that reason is to help you, the young person, understand some things about practicing law, or for that matter really doing anything in business. A lot of this is put in terms of litigation, but really it applies any time you're in a deal and there's someone on the other side. None of these are in any particular order, mind you, and just because I say this is what you should do doesn't mean this is what I always do. The gap between actual and aspirational is often quite wide. But I do try. Often.

Never respond to a judge or another lawyer when you're angry. Sort of like don't talk to your wife when you're angry. In the immortal words of Marvin Gaye, there's no need to escalate. Most of the time when you're responding while reacting to the sense of shock and appallment to what your opponent has just communicated, you're overreacting, not thinking clearly, and prone to making a small fight into a much larger one. Better to let the moment pass, calm down, then reevaluate. If its still a big deal, fine, go ahead and let them have it. But do that only after you've sat on it for a bit.

Don't take any lessons or advice from your opponents. They ordinarily have nothing to gain from helping you, and they're not your friend, so be wary. Do what you think is right, and let the other guy convince the judge you're wrong. But do listen to what they're saying. Evaluate it critically. Maybe they're right about some things. Where they are, adjust your thinking.

Save all your e-mails, at least the ones where you're conveying information to your client, or the opponent, or they to you. Most fights wind up being about what was supposedly agreed to earlier in the case, or even before. Keeping a paper trail is essential.

Likewise, get everything you can in writing. If there's any chance the other side will try to screw you, or forget the agreed terms, or change their mind, or any combination, its your word against theirs if any of those happen. At least send them an e-mail "confirming our discussion" and asking them to respond if they disagree.

Plagiarize. Thousands of people before you, and probably some in your firm, have already done at least some of the work that you need to do for your current project. There's no need to reinvent the wheel, especially when time is limited or you're billing a client by the hour.

Get to the point. Now this is really important. I don't care what you do, unless you're William Shakespeare, no one has time to sit around and listen to your brilliance waiting to find out exactly what you want. Judges and clients have millions of things to do every day, and can't normally spend half an hour dwelling on the intricacies of some complex or obscure point. So just come straight to it. Say what you want, why you want it, and how you want it done. Then circle back to explain more fully. Think of it as one-minute Shakespeare. Be able to tell the entire story of your case in under 30 seconds.

Don't lie, cheat, steal, or associate with those who do. Its just not worth it. Think about how you would explain what you did if you're ever forced to justify your position or conduct to a judge (or client). Your word and your reputation-that's all you have as a lawyer (or businessman or businesswoman). Once that goes, you've got nothing. When word gets out that you can't be trusted, its over.

Don't parse the fine print looking for some slim reed of an argument to hang on to by your fingernails. If its not there its not there and deal with it. If all you have is something that really doesn't even convince you, figure out something else. What about when your client insists that you push a position that is extremely weak, makes no sense, will get you yelled at by the judge, etc.? They're in charge. All you can do is give them your opinion that the argument is weak, and explain why, and give all the likely ramifications. If they insist, its on them. Will you get blamed when it goes wrong anyway? Very probably. Lots of clients expect that you have power over time and space, or can hypnotize judges and juries into believing anything you want. Maybe Johnnie Cochran did, not too many others. No one ever said practicing law was always going to be fun.

More on that front. Don't fall in love with your case. Try as much as you can to view your case, and your facts, from the neutral observer perspective. Talk to people, preferably non-lawyers, about your case and see what they think. Try to be critical and think of how you would attack your own case. Then go deal with those weaknesses. Alternatively, if you're in love with your case, try to distill the reasons why and make sure you communicate those to the judge/jury.

Be nice. Or at least don't be not nice. I know its shocking to think that yelling at someone may not be the best way to persuade them to do what you want (signed the high school football coach you still hate all these years later), but most people don't really respond too well to that. Besides, today's peon you think you can treat poorly usually winds up being tomorrow's Lieutenant Governor, or VP of Human Resources, or District Judge. Or, someone who's friends with someone like that. The point is, even if you don't want to be nice, you just can't burn people. It generally comes back to haunt. Hypothetically.

You have to keep in mind, everything you're doing is for the benefit of, and to help out, your client. No client = no job. That client wants to know how to do something, and wants to know their legal rights and obligations. They're depending on you to give them legal advice. They're not paying you for a treatise on some 1873 landmark case. They're also not paying you to tell them the 12 reasons they can't do what they want. They want answers. They want something constructive. You are there to help them achieve their goals. If, legally, they can't do exactly what they want, tell them something close to that they can do.

Don't sit on bad news. If there really is no way to reach the desired result, or if you've screwed up something, or the judge or the other side did something bad, its generally not going to get any better over time. Maybe if you get with your client quickly, there's something they can do to avoid the damage, like exercise some right to cure, for example.

For that matter, communicate with your clients. The number one client complaint to attorney grievance boards is about lack of communication. Update your clients frequently. Even if nothing's happening, tell them nothing's happening (explain why, of course, and tell them when you think something will happen). Better for you to take a few minutes to update them than for them to sit there thinking you're ignoring them. By the same token, return their calls quickly. Even if all you can do is say "I'm tied up and I can't talk to you right now, but I got your message and will call again as soon as I can," that's better than waiting a week to return your client's call.

Always calendar things right away. You'll forget it if you wait. Your calendar is your life. There's no getting away with "I forgot to put the hearing on my calendar."

Along the lines of not sitting on bad news, return painful phone calls soon. Calling that obnoxious lawyer on the other side, or your no good slimebag client, may be something that will ruin your day, but putting it off isn't going to make it any better. Putting it off just lets the dread build more and more. By the time you finally are forced to make the call, you may well be a mess. Plus, the person you're calling may react even worse because you've made them wait so long.

Establish and stick with a document handling routine. When pleadings, agreements, checks, ancient family documents come in, have a system for handling them. Then follow the system. Don't let important and single-copy documents pile up for weeks on your desk. You may wind up throwing away a cashier's check for $800,000 by mistake, causing your firm's legal malpractice carrier to have to sign an indemnity bond to IBC Bank to reissue another check. Hypothetically.

Delegate. You can't do everything. Your assistant is there to help you. Use them. Don't be afraid to give them work and instructions. Don't be a jerk about it, of course, but do give clear instructions on what you want done and when you need it. Garbage in, garbage out. If you're not clear about what you want done, its not going to get done.

Don't try to work when you're sick and not thinking clearly. Take the day off. Don't return calls, don't make filings, don't go to hearings, when you aren't right. Get someone else to file something asking for more time, or have your assistant call. You're only hurting your client trying to represent their interests when you can't think.

Dress and act the part. As Crash Davis said in Bull Durham, "think classy, and you'll be classy." No one wants their lawyer to look like a slob, or like his wife just got back from Tommy Bahama's. Also, try not to cringe in the spotlight. Your confident words will never overcome cowering. Personally I use the Mick Jagger Walk On any time I can. This was something Pete Townshend of the Who did in the group's early days to overcome nervousness. Basically, any time you take the podium, or enter the room, don't think of yourself as the Joe Average, bottom third of his class and guy in charge of everclear margarita Tuesday happy hours at Land Grant University Law School, that you really are. Think of yourself as Mick Jagger taking the stage, while Keith is tearing into the opening riff on "Jumping Jack Flash." Its a gas, gas, gas.

Read and re-read your opponents' filings (or the transactional documents). Don't take anyone else's word for what they say. Proofread your own documents just as thoroughly. Nothing makes you look less minor league than numerous typos and obvious "cut and paste" glitches.

Lawyers categorize. They don't really creatively think. They pigeonhole problems and apply the rules in each category. Liken your question to something you know already. Judge F.A. Little, Jr. taught me that one.

Its not "don't ask a question you don't know the answer to." Its "don't ask a question you can't deal with any answer to."

No matter how bad things are going in the case, or the deal, keep playing the game. At some point, maybe your message will get across. Maybe your negotiating partners will finally understand. Maybe you'll find some new piece of evidence, or a new witness. Good things happen when you keep plugging away, even if it might seem hopeless.

Don't get too down or too up. Nothing ever goes as badly as it sounds when you're in the middle of it. Likewise, nothing's ever as good in reality as it sounds at the time. There's usually always some way to salvage what may seem like a disaster. And there's always time to screw the pooch when you're on a roll.

Try to leave work at work. Don't obsess over it in your free time. Like I am right now. None of this thinking about your case while in the shower, or worrying about the wholesale market at 3 a.m. Signed Pat Wood. Take sanity breaks during the day too. Stress has killed more lawyers than I care to think about. If you can take at least 5 minutes in the middle of every day to get away from it all, and just have a relaxing moment, it will make a tremendous difference.

Know all the details of your case, and the other side's case, but keep focused on the big picture. No jury or judge is going to make a decision based on any specific detail. The decision will be based on the overall story.

Be a real person. Don't talk like a lawyer. No one in real life talks about whether they "have occasion to" do something, or says "be that as it may." Ok, I say be that as it may. But I get ridiculed for it by the non-pod people. Oh, and don't be a list-maker. "The first reason we should go to Jack in the Box is..." Stop that, right away.

Way too much here, and if you've read this far you seriously need something else to occupy your life, but I'll end with a thought about dealing with it all. Something about the practice of law attracts very high-strung, tense, volatile people, or at least it makes them that way at times. There's always deadlines, the phone is always ringing, people aren't doing what you want, you've often got a client with a knife at your back ready to stick it in if you back up at all, and almost no one ever calls to congratulate you on the fantastic job you're doing and the long hours you're putting in for them. Clients don't pay your bills as fast as you need them to; partners don't pay you the bonus you more than deserve. None of your assistants can do anything right. Your computer keeps crashing. You've got about 12 things that have to be done today, and that idiot partner just has to see you to waste your time talking about something not due for another month. There is no easy way to deal with all this, particularly as a young lawyer without as much control over your schedule. Frankly, its what drives a lot of people out of the practice of law. I guess just keep in mind that working quickly doesn't mean you have to get all tense and jumpy about it. Find ways to cut corners. Borrow other people's work. Write 5 pages, not 10, if 5 will do. Keep your forms, and cut and paste. Delegate where possible. Whereever possible, say no. Mainly, try not to take it out on the people you work with. If you feel it coming on, go to your office and shut the door. Get some exercise every day, even if its just to walk around the block. Eat right. Get some sleep. Drink water. Take your B vitamins. All these things sound ridiculous, but they make a huge difference.

Next: You're In the Audience, Not the Movie