Tanning-the Second in a Daily Affirmations Health Tips Arc

While lung and other forms of cancer largely continue to decline, skin cancers continue to increase. The Center for Disease Control reports a 7.7 percent increase from 2003-05 for men, and a 2.9 percent increase for women from 1993-2005. That's 53,792 people with melanoma, 8,345 of whom died, in 2005. Nearly all of this is due to sun exposure, and specifically to ultraviolet ray exposure. My own mother had a skin cancer issue, and my uncle Jimmy, who spent most of his adult life in the sun as a football coach, had a melanoma on the neck. With early detection, both of these were caught, but had much more time gone by, it may have been too late.

Which brings us to tanning. A tan is basically a sign of skin injury, as your skin produces melanin in an attempt to ward off further sun radiation damage. Polite society once frowned upon tans as signifying someone who worked outside (and therefore was of a lower social class). Sometime around the 50s, with Frankie and Annette at the beach along with Gidget and Dick Dale, it became socially acceptable to smear oneself with baby oil and head out into the sun for a good eight or nine hour bake. In many cases, this just created a lobster thermador effect, but the idea was to become a nice cocoa brown, like the aforementioned teen idols. Cary Grant, for example, always sported a suntan. Even now, all the cool people are doing it. And by "it," I mean going out to the beach or laying out on a mat in the sun for several hours with little or no UV protection.

There's even a new phenomenon called "binge tanning," reported in the UK, in which women feel pressure to have a "year-round" tan and overuse indoor tanning beds, leading to a sharp rise in under-30s melanomas. I can understand why those pasty white, Casper the Friendly Ghost shop-dwellers feel the need to get some sunlight, but those of us living somewhere with more than 20 days of sunlight per year have no such excuse. Indoor tanning beds don't avoid this risk either, and in fact, can actually be worse than going into the sun.

Frankly, all you people are really doing is turning yourselves into cancer-ridden saddles. I see a tan and can literally feel the wrinkles forming, and can picture the hidebag you will become in twenty years or less. Are tans even really all that attractive? Certainly not with the splotching and peeling that they bring. Isn't normal human skin (with acceptable sunlight levels, enough to get your vitamin D) much more attractive? A tan evokes 1970s TWA stewardess on her way to the "fox bar" to chase down Mr. Goodbar Richard Gere (and generally winding up with Milt the new guy from accounting, sporting gold chains and a fresh new perm). That's not an association you'd hope for.

Yet, people persist because beauty knows no pain. Tattoos, botox, piercings, branding, liposuction, facelifts (and other unnecessary plastic surgery)...all this is our version of the plates in the lips or bone through the nose. Can you imagine parties on the Ethiopian plain, where women gripe about that one tramp who got her lip plate by cozying up to the tribal chief, or the men complaining about their wives wanting bigger and bigger lip plates? Basically the same thing happens at Westlake or Highland Park cocktail parties, just substitute "cosmetic surgery" for lip plates.

Here's a weird thought...the human body is beautiful just the way it comes from the factory. Its already done. There's no need to turn your body into some living canvas or subject it to technological tortures. Keep it maintained and it will look remarkable, just as it is, at any age. Its like having a german shepherd-give it good food and water, exercise, keep it out of the direct sun, cut its hair and groom it, and it will look and feel great its whole life. I'll allow that in the case of tattoos, there may be some uniquely personal reason and expression behind the tattoo, like your child's name, or your squad in Vietnam, or your Rush tribute band ("Rush-tastic"). But that dolphin or star above your ankle isn't telling anyone anything except you and your six closest girlfriends got to know the Oklahoma State rugby team really well at Spring Break in Daytona.

There's only a few people who can legitimately have tans:

Fishermen and sailors (and no, I won't use the term "fishers")
World War II fighter pilots downed in the Pacific
Surfers (see Blue Crush)
Park rangers
Roofers
Landscapers
DEA Agents stationed in Miami (but not Miami PD-hear that Crockett and Tubbs?)
Cougars.

On that last one, cougars need a tan as an identifying mark, going with the article of leopard print clothing, frosted scare hair, Catwoman nails, drug store makeup, martini in hand, and "augmentation." All those things without a tan just say "Lubbock doctor's wife." The tan really makes the image pop.

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As I outlined this post last weekend, ESPN Classic was playing the 1979 NCAA Men's Basketball championship game, the Bird-Magic Indiana State vs. Michigan State game that revitalized college basketball and launched those two into careers that would have the same effect on the NBA. Several things jumped out at me watching the game.

First, the short shorts. Holy God! Did we really wear shorts like that? How was that not a public health hazard? Lots of chafing I imagine. Leave something to the imagination guys.

Also, the game itself seemed faster, but more bunched around the basket. Without the three point shot, defenders didn't need to worry about the outside perimeter, so they felt free to camp in the lane and stop drives to the basket. That in turn put a premium on fast breaks to get to the hoop before the defense could get set, and on quick passing to beat the zones. It also was more of a big man's game, as rebounds were more important to the offense and to handle the increased traffic near the basket.

It was also interesting watching a game without a shot clock. This game seemed unaffected by it though. I don't recall the shot clock being such a big issue in college, although it did stop such atrocities as the 1978 SWC Tournament final, where Arkansas beat Texas 39-38. That's like a college intramural game score.

They interviewed both Bird and Magic in the present day, and showed clips from each interview during the game. Lets just say both of those guys' heads are a LOT bigger now than 1979. I think Bird's head may have its own gravitational field. "Don't you have any respect for yourself?" Signed, Greg Marmalard.