As a public service, Daily Affirmations is allowing a guest host to make an announcement for the benefit of our readers who are Alabama fans. We’ll be back soon with a fun post on New Year’s resolutions. Please welcome our guest, the University of Alabama’s Ronnie VanZant Memorial Professor of Southern Culture and History, Prof. Richard Robert “Rebel Dick” Lee.First off, for anyone who’s reading this announcement on the interwebs, or as we call it in Tuscaloosa, a “typing box,” please make copies of this and post it at Los Angeles-area KOA parks, bus stations, truck stops, campgrounds, and (for the fancy set-mainly bankers, lawyers, and plant managers) Super 8 Motels. Most of the Alabama fans who need to read this will be staying in these locations and therefore won’t be able to read their typing box to see this.
Many of you Tide faithful are arriving in Los Angeles, and later Pasadena, California, for the big game against the Texas Longhorns, or maybe are already there. Most of the local California media are Communists and therefore untrustworthy, or don’t understand the refined taste and expectations of the Alabama citizenry coming to town. So these media agitators haven't given our people an adequate guide to the game or to getting around town through these next couple of days. I’ve been to Los Angeles before (actually, the gasoline truck driver who drove me out of Barstow dropped me off one night in LA on my way to Bakersfield to interview Buck Owens, and it took me a couple of days to get a ride the rest of the way), so I have some special knowledge that might help my fellow Crimson Tiders.
Surviving in Pasadena and Los Angeles
The first thing you need to realize is that this is Pasadena, California, not the Pasadena you saw in that snooty, intellectual art movie, Urban Cowboy. This Pasadena has no mechanical bulls, chemical plants, shot bars, honky tonks, or junior colleges like the Pasadena in Texas that you may be familiar with. In short, it lacks virtually any culture to speak of. So if you’re going through Texas and happen to see signs for Pasadena, you need to keep your El Camino running for a good while longer.
There’s basically four kinds of people in the greater Los Angeles area, and because you’re likely to come into contact with all of them, you need to know a little about them before they come up on you. The first kind is movie and TV trash. This runs the gamut from executives to production people to actors to the worst of all, “aspiring actors” (or as you and I call them, “waiters”). These people are all hooked on bottled water, yoga, bulimia, and cocaine. They worship the Tom Cruise and John Travolta religion, which involves an interplanetary starship cruiser orbiting the earth. They will push this religion on you while they’re in the middle of a bulimia episode. And you have to be very wary because they’ve all had plastic surgery or other face-shaping treatments and are grumpy from hunger and caring about the less fortunate (and their appearance). So they might frighten you with their zombie-like, wax figure countenance. If you have to be around them, remember the “two arms’ length” rule at all times. The second type is Joe Tourist, which more than likely will be someone Japanese (that would be “Sadahuru Tourist” I guess). These folks are scouting out all the locations where the Imperial Army was going to land their troops back in the war. Typically, they create huge lines out front of the more established tourism locations. The third type are gangs. On the east side, its Mexican gangs. In the west and central, its black gangs like the bloods and crips. These people hunt down good white people to either kill or drum up business for local emergency rooms. Finally, the last group consists of homosexual activists. That pretty much takes in everyone else. They originally came down from San Francisco and moved into loft apartments and started opening designer bakeries, antique stores, and upscale pet accessory stores, and acupuncture boutiques. In each case, you need to avoid these people. They’re consistently democrats and vote for liberals and foreigners. They force women to have abortions and worship idols or Tom Cruise. They will try to convert you to their way of life. Or kill you. Or taser you, inject you with heroin, molest you, humiliate you with big words, or anger you with attitudes about their recycling and water conservation (forgetting about the fact they built a huge city in the desert).
Getting Around
Pasadena, and LA more generally, can present a lot of challenges for getting around town. LA has a lot of what they call “freeways.” These are long strips of concrete where you drive cars without having to stop for red lights, WalMart sales, or Dairy Queens, so people “get there” sooner than back home. These freeways seemingly take you nowhere, or at least nowhere you want to visit except the Rose Bowl. As you’re driving your El Camino, or 1976 Trans Am, or RV around, try to use back streets (and don’t break down either). The problem is there’s too many vehicles and not enough roads, so the traffic can move very slowly, like at the Possum Toss Festival in Smoke Rise, AL, when everyone drives their combines into town and vehicles line up at the stop signs on the way to the Waffle House. Except its on these big strips of concrete, and people really don’t like it. In fact, they dislike this thing called "traffic" so much they usually carry guns in their cars and shoot other drivers along the way in lieu of making turn signals. I guess the lack of indigenous deer, squirrels or possum means the locals have to find some other way to enjoy their guns.
Los Angeles proper is essentially a big ghetto that surrounds several large skyscrapers. Various small communities surround Los Angeles, one of which is Pasadena, where the Tide will Roll. To the west is the Pacific Ocean and the various beaches and beach communities. These are largely populated by homosexuals and various types of freaks and weirdoes, as well as aspiring actors, models, and drug addicts, all of whom will try to recruit you. To the east are minority communities, riddled with constant gunfire and rife with pleas for race-based preferences and government handouts. South of town are largely liberal white communities that are rife with lawyers, bankers, insurers, and movie industry executives. They are largely all cocaine addicts and will either push their drugs on you or open fire while driving. North of town is pornography country. Keep a close watch on your zipper.
Dining and Entertainment
LA residents have a distinctly different diet from we genteel Southerners. They don’t enjoy such delicacies as possum, squirrel, gator, head cheese or fried twinkies, and instead eat what they call a “low-calorie” or “organic” diet based on something called “fruits” and “vegetables.” No doubt based on the arid conditions not suitable for critters to forage or for the production of fat for deep frying. It is recommended that you simply bring your own food and beverage with you, or travel over to Fontana or Riverside for appropriate vittles.
Notwithstanding its location on the third circle of Hell, the Los Angeles area does offer some Godly and conservative activities suitable for you and your family to enjoy. Both Fontana and El Cajon have speed car tracks and often host NASCAR and other races. The Ripley’s Believe It or Not is located in Hollywood, and they have fun wax figures of your favorite celebrities, like Don Knotts (both as Barney Fife and Mr. Furley), Elvis, Archie Bunker, and Burt Reynolds. Now I know you’ll be concerned about Disney's promotion of homosexual lifestyles, but the kiddoes might enjoy Disney Land (as long as you properly educate them about Disney’s evil nature and keep them from speaking with any employees, including the ones in costume trying to pervert your children into communist homosexual deviants). Don't forget to visit the La Brea Tar Pits, which is a spot where tar has bubbled up from the surface for thousands of years. You can stand by the side of the pits and watch the oozing tar, which should remind you a lot of our fair home back in Alabama (near the end of most dirt roads out by your trailer park). There’s also Mexican wrestling throughout the city, which is a fine way for those folks to earn a decent living and a great date opportunity for you and the missus. Finally, Ultrazone Laser Tag is the greatest laser tag facility in the country. Should provide hours of fun.
Practicalities for the Big Game
Getting there can be confusing of course. The Rose Bowl is a very large stadium in Pasadena, with a great many rose bushes visible throughout the site. One helpful hint in getting there is to remember that Oklahoma University played UCLA at the stadium roughly three or four years ago. As we all know, modern-day Oklahomans are pretty much all part-Indian, and the Indians are all great trackers. I recommend looking around for arrowheads, disease-ridden blankets, and empty whiskey bottles as tell-tale signs you’re getting near the stadium. Sort of like a tribal Hansel and Gretel.
Now, the Rose Bowl is a classy place, so I recommend looking the part. Best to wear your dress overalls and shoes (that cover both the tops and bottoms of your feet). Try to look like you’re going to a WalMart grand opening, or visiting your parole officer. Now, as I said before, these people out here don’t know from good cuisine or drink, so its best to take a picnic in with you so as not to get too hungry. Or you can bring your very own barbecue pit with you to the stadium parking lot.
One obvious thing you’ll need to look out for is Texas Longhorn fan. These people are quite easy to spot, as they’ll be the ones who look like Yankees, what with their obsession with dentistry and showers, cashmere sweaters, and jewelry. These are a bunch of snooty intellectuals with superiority complexes, no doubt fueled by their curious pride in the famous liberals and weirdo agitators who’ve either graduated or attended that school over the years: Walter Cronkite, Farrah Fawcett, Ricky Williams, Ron Reeder…the list goes on and on. As we’ll be bringing the flower of Southern female gentility with us to the game, its important that Texas fan not trifle with our women. These freako perverts are just waiting for a chance to defile our fine Southern women. Take all possible precautions and definitely stay in groups for maximum protection.
Finally, the game itself presents absolutely no problems. The Tide definitely will roll. Texas is Charmin soft, and like my hunting dogs or your typical resident of Austin, likes nothing more to be scratched on the belly and given a treat. Now, you may say, Alabama has never beaten Texas, despite the fact they played at least three times while the Bear was coaching here. I say, nothing like giving those Longhorns a false sense of security. Our Julios and Rolandos and Terences should make easy work of those softies. Nick will be running up the score and that’s something I absolutely will guarantee.
So, please keep these tips in mind for a positive football weekend trip to the heart of Democrat and atheist homosexual country. If you stay safe you should have a good time.
No comments:
Post a Comment