Now back to the vital issues of the day. Like why is Dolly Parton abducting those poor little girl scouts? I just know I'm going to get hammered for this post. But here goes.
Childhood obesity has more than tripled in the past 30 years. The prevalence of obesity among children aged 6 to 11 years increased from 6.5% in 1980 to 19.6% in 2008. The prevalence of obesity among adolescents aged 12 to 19 years increased from 5.0% to 18.1%. The Surgeon General estimates that 12.5 million children are overweight. Childhood obesity statistics show that obese children and especially those in the teenage years have a 70% chance of being obese as adults. What is worse is that percentage increases to 80% if either one or both of the parents are obese as well. Governments and other social service organizations spend millions on policies to reduce childhood obesity and its causes. The First Lady has made this issue one of her priorities.
So why does one of the world’s premier children’s organizations, the Girl Scouts of America, sell cookies as its primary fundraising initiative?
Now, stop right there, angry helicopter parent. Put down your macaroni and glitter macrame kit and listen closely. I love the Girl Scouts. Absolutely thrilled with the Girl Scouts. They’re tremendous at teaching girls self-esteem, giving them the opportunity to develop social and other skills and make friends, to spend time in a supportive environment with other girls. Yeah. I’ve got nothing against the Girl Scouts. I buy lots of their cookies every year.
But in these times of rampant childhood obesity, where we as a society are trying to teach children not to overindulge, should we be encouraging girls to hawk cookies? Training them about the wonderful happy times that eating cookies inspires? Teaching them to promote cookie consumption? "Eat a cookie=Happiness"
Isn’t that a contradiction? Not at all. Signed, Mixed Messages.
We try to teach kids not to do drugs, and somehow don’t get them to sell crack for fundraisers. We teach them abstinence. Should we have the swim team sell condoms for its summer fundraiser?
Have you ever read the nutritional information for these cookies? Four dulce de leche cookies has 160 calories and eight grams of fat. Two “thanks-a-lot” cookies have 150 calories and six grams of fat. One extra large egg, by comparison, has 85 calories. A cup (one serving) of the ever-popular Boo Berry cereal has 118 calories. One regular Krispy Kreme donut has 200 calories. Cookie Monster thinks those cookies are a little on the filling side. Why not just call it “Death in a Box”?
To add insult to injury, the cookie drive kicks off right after the holidays. Right after people have spent the last month or so shoveling chow down their face morning, noon and night. Just when people are trying vainly to get their weight under some modicum of control, or at least to a point where their guts don’t muffin top their way over their waistbands, along comes these cute little girls, with their cute little cheeks and yearning faces, imploring you to buy…cookies…so they can go to camp with all their friends. Weakened by going days and weeks of cold turkey, you’re completely unable to resist. Right away, your diet is toast, and you’re back into addiction hell. Its like bringing the Jim Beam to the AA meeting.
The Girl Scouts say the cookie drives are rewarding in teaching girls things like “Goal setting,” and “money management” and “business ethics.” So would an investing class. No doubt that’s true, and its admirable. But Gordon Gekko has nothing on these girls and their “coffee is for closers” sales tactics. They tell everyone the cool kids buy Girl Scout cookies, they’ll help you with your problems, and all your friends are buying Girl Scout cookies. They stand on street corners, or outside stores. “Hey man, want some cookies?” Their parents become fixers at work, setting up all their co-workers with cookies. Everyone knows who at the office can hook them up. You see cars coming and going from Girl Scout houses all day and night. You know which part of town you can go to for the good stuff. Its like we’re training a bunch of little drug dealers. Little girl drug dealers. They’ve everywhere. They’ve got every neighborhood, every street, every house, covered. They’re like the Red Army. Or Mormons.
I know they have to sell something to raise funds, and no one’s going to buy celery and tomatoes. But there’s some other things that might work out. What about investment counseling? They couldn’t do any worse than those monkeys that pick stocks and get more of them right than certified investment advisors. Or what about following in Lucy’s footsteps and providing personal counseling. Five cents please. The doctor is “Real In.” Or how about something more girl-like…flowers? After all, it worked for Eliza Doolittle. She learned how to speak and met that nice young man Freddy. Even though in the end she decided to stay with that fossil Henry Higgins. He and Col. Pickering were a load of laughs, sneaking sherry, dressing up their Audrey Hepburn doll, and laughing uproariously at their hilarious linguistics jokes. Those two should have just gotten married. Or lived like Randolph and Mortimer Duke.
Anyway, there’s probably lots of things that girls could sell that would teach business ethics and goal setting. But which wouldn’t have them dealing obesity.
Oh, I forgot to mention. Girl Scout cookies may be a lot of bad things, but they ARE kosher. Shalom, y’all.
OK, let the bashing begin!
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