Top 5 People Who Run Outside in Austin, Texas When Its 25 Degrees Out

Geez, look at that guy. What's his problem? And what's up with the racing stripes down the side?

The advent of 25 degree weather in Austin, Texas has not been expected, or warmly received. Ah, I slay me. Get it? "Warmly received"? The cold? Is this microphone on?

Anyway, those of you living in more frigid climates undoubtedly scoff at us Texans shivering when the thermostat hits 50. You're able to get on with your business when it hits 10 degrees and stays there. Of course, you generally do so with help from your four-pack-a-day habit and about 50 extra pounds of subcutaneous insulation. But hey, its a little hard for us to get used to cold when its 80 degrees one day, 40 the next, and 72 the next. Plus, we don't get six months to build up our winter fat layer like Yankees do. Though some of us carry around a layer of enchilada perma-fat, and those people do relatively ok in winter around here. They'll be ready just in case some menacing snow drift goes on the attack in South Austin.

Warm weather always lures throngs of walkers, bikers, hikers, doggies, and other random folk to the Town Lake Trail for the sunshine, breezes, and lovely scenery. But when cold weather hits, most of us pack it in for the great indoors, content to exercise on the elliptical machine, or the stationary bike, or the x-box (there's supposed to be some sort of x-box or playstation interactive workout now, which basically sounds like an old Jane Fonda workout video that you can control--pink spandex anyone?), or by doing repeated 12 ounce curls. Bar olympics is a form of exercise, right? After all, it'll be 75 again soon and we can get back out there.

These past couple of weeks, climate change (recently known as "global warming" before its rebranding) has managed to turn Austin into a deep freeze. And by deep freeze, I mean Matthew McConaughey had to put on a shirt. One inevitable result has been the near abandonment of the Town Lake Trail. When it gets really cold, that place turns into a Bossier City casino on Christmas morning (or a theatre showing a Nicolas Cage movie)--completely empty. Even the birds and squirrels head for cover.

But not all Austinites forsake their outdoor runs when it gets a little chilly. My own scientific study has revealed at least five different personality types who continue running outdoors, even in crushing 25 degree cold.

1. Fatties. That's not nice. Sorry. I mean "jolly people." The five percent of people who are still clinging desperately to their New Year's weight loss resolution. They're out there. Plodding along. Making tracks and blowing smoke. Helping the rest of us because we have to run around them to get by.

2. The Hard Core. This is the five percent body fat crowd. Ectomorphs. These are the people you curse with every fiber of your being at "fun runs" whom you see on the second half of the course, running back the other way after they finish because they didn't get enough of a workout just running the run itself. They sell shoes part-time at Run-Tex or some such store and help out with various running groups around town. They get lots of free running gear. They spend about half of their free time running and the other half talking with other freaks about bizarre topics like "fartleks" or "negative splits." And they usually run in packs of four or five, like gazelles or cheetahs.

3. Low Self-Esteem Emaciated Early 20s Girl. You rarely see early 20s guy running in anything other than optimal conditions, if then. Unless he's part of group #2 or his wife or girlfriend made him go. Early 20s low self-esteem guy gets together with other geeks at some coffee shop and talks about computer code, or skateboarding, or organic produce, or fantasy role-playing games. Or his blog. But low self-esteem, under-nourished early 20s girl, particularly if she's attractive, hits the trail. Come rain, sleet, snow, gale force winds, or lightning strikes. She's just got to do something about what she perceives to be her walrus-like body. You look at her and think "who's the toothpick?" She looks in the mirror and thinks "I can't see all my bones...I really need to lose another 50 pounds." Important safety tip: keep your heads up, because strong winds may blow these girls crashing into you.

4. Addicts. This is the guy who started running or walking to take his mind off scoring coke every half hour, or what have you. He doesn't necessarily look athletic and has terrible form and totally inadequate gear. But he does twitch an awful lot, and through sheer nervous energy manages to burn hundreds of calories without actually going very far. If he missed a day running, he'd really be hurting for something to take his mind off those voices...calling voices...beckoning...all day...all night....

5. Bloggers. Like...you know who. That's right. I hit the trail. Mainly to avoid having to run inside on the hard surface track. And to enjoy the chance to wear my sweet cold weather running gear. Is that weird?

So by abandoning the trail, you're missing a really entertaining freak show. Sort of a daytime Rocky Horror Picture Show. With expensive shoes.

Hope you enjoyed this latest pompous diatribe, helping me build my own self-esteem at the expense of others. First it was poor Gwyneth Paltrow, then it was the Girl Scouts (the GIRL SCOUTS!!!), and now this. Appalling.

Oh well, once you've started something, see it through. I guess.

Next--bad things about the disabled, the poor, children, single mothers, and the homeless.