Let's Go To The Mall!

Come on Jessica, come on Tori
Let's go to the mall, you won't be sorry
Put on your jelly bracelets
And your cool graffiti coat
At the mall, having fun is what it's all about
Let's go to the mall, everybody!
Everybody come and play
Throw every last care away
Let's go to the mall today

--Robin Sparkles, How I Met Your Mother, "Let's Go to the Mall"

Let's go to the mall. Just like Jake and Elwood.

Now, this will sound kinda out of left field, but have you ever wondered how people would look after the apocalypse? You know, post-Armageddon (and I don't mean the movie, though after you've spent two hours watching Bruce Willis act in something that's not Die Hard or Moonlighting, I imagine a similar effect). Based on how many movies and TV specials center on what might happen after they drop the Big One, lots of people seem really focused on what would happen to "us." That includes what would we look like. Would we look like those bad 1970s special effects makeup people wearing masks in the second Planet of the Apes movie (whatever it was called). Would we look like the albino zombies featured in The Omega Man (basically, like Johnny Winter with a bit more coloring)? Or would it be even more hideous, like Paula Abdul on a bender?

Well there's no need to wonder anymore. Just go to your local mall at any time other than Christmas (which of course, due to some geophysical anomaly, lasts at the mall from September to the week after New Year's) and look around you. The crowd of walking dead, zombie, rotting flesh, corpulent manatees-out-of-water wearing Academy clothes and shoveling down food court cuisine who surround you...yeah, that is exactly what humans will look like after the apocalypse.

That's right. You may not have been aware, but your local mall has somehow turned into the cantina from Star Wars. Or the Oklahoma University campus. And its populated to an overwhelming degree with all the mutants you normally see only at the driver's license office.

What the hell happened? I have to confess that many, many years ago, I went to the mall relatively often. I was young and naive...you know the drill. Believe it or not, I've never had a lot of "hang out" friends and yet hate being alone. I know...shocking. So I would go to the mall just to be around people and enjoy the free air conditioning. It also put me a little less at risk of dying alone and not being discovered til local dogs noticed the smell. I wouldn't really "shop" or anything, just kind of walk around and look at girls. Errr...people watch.

The mall was never like cocktail hour at the Carlyle, of course, but it exhibited a certain normalcy. That is, most of the people seemed relatively normal (which I guess means they looked more like me than they do now). They appeared to have jobs or money, their clothes (which were mostly unstained) covered at least 50% of their body, their body fat percentage appeared to be under 30%, they exhibited little or no drool, appeared to lack a significant arrest record or prison tattoos, and did not have 12 little kids in tow (all of roughly the same age but all looking suspiciously like one parent). The stores weren't all Tiffany's (yeah, let's not forget the immortal Chess King), but they did have a certain threshold class level. In some cases they were even somewhat elegant. The employees seemed mostly awake, and appeared to not only want to sell you merchandise but were both capable of and willing to answer your questions.

Not so much anymore. That time is looking more and more like some sort of mall Golden Age.

Recently, I had to go to a mall to get some pants (or something like that, I forget), and Holy Schnikees! What the hell happened? All the kids who pick their nose and then put their hands in the dip at their family reunions have grown up, not changed one bit (except to put on about 300 pounds), and now hang out at the mall. The Jenny Craig and tasteful clothing concessions at the mall must go out of business quickly. Wearing their tattered, ill-fitting Monday go to WalMart outfits while towing their obese-in-miniature brood of kids with them, they really resemble the rhinoceros herd at the zoo. Is that an elitist thing to say?

To add a little flavor, roving gangs of tweens killing time before the latest vampire/angst/love triangle movie showing wander in and out of the food court and kiosks, wearing their trendily shabby clothes and texting their absent buddies. Better hit the PacSun before mom comes around in the minivan. Then there's the random patrols of dudes in their mid- to late-20s, well coiffed and attired with the right designer duds, spray tans, toned physiques, jewelry and cologne, animatedly talking to their partners. Not sure what's going on there, but I have a feeling they catch a lot of Home and Garden TV and use a lot of "product." Beleaguered mother-angry daughter pairs makes up the remaining mall social caste, roaming the mall in a futile effort to understand one another at the family therapist's recommendation, otherwise known as "shopping."

Its not like the stores are much better. What used to be nice shopping establishments have devolved into a collection of rooms where chain companies sell stuff that you once had to dial an 800 number after midnight to purchase. These hideously wretched clothes look like something from a Ralph Steadman drawing, and exhibit the fine tailoring skills of chained-to-their-bench Filipino child slaves desperately hoping there's not a fire during their 18 hour shift. You know...Nike. The few stores that still sell quality merchandise are emptier than James Gandolfini's workout room. Ok, I stole that joke from Family Guy. Emptier than the Oscar shelf in Tom Cruise's trophy room. The store employees are totally listless and robotic. [Spoiler Alert!] Think Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. They have become automatons capable only of ringing up your purchase and opening a fitting room, skills the average fifth grader possesses. I've seen more enthusiasm at jury duty.

The mall itself has become dismal and depressing. Rather than nice wide walkways and lots of light, you now have to twist and trip along small cracks in the crowd thanks to the mall installing countless "kiosks" in the halls. Because everyone needs 10 opportunities to buy a cell phone cover or a wig, or change your texting plan on your way over to the food court. All the while feeling your way through the darkness wrought by inadequate amounts of federally mandated energy-saving light bulbs. Its like being in a Nuevo Laredo flea market, but without the same sense of personal security. Some more upscale malls have tried to go "natural" and "outdoors," which doesn't do much good during August in Texas, and they just expose you to humidity, bugs, and melanoma. The sanitary conditions resemble a Fifth Ward Exxon station bathroom. Does anyone clean these places, or do they just rely on "natural selection" to weed out those incapable of resisting the bacteria? And the food. Geez, is anyone listening to that busy body Michelle Obama? She's all "eat your peas" (or is that her husband), but no one's on board at the mall. You can't walk five feet at the mall without the chance to buy some heart attack on a stick. Usually its from some place that doesn't exist outside the mall. Like Sbarro. And astonishingly, most of the mutants walking around are double clutching some choice mall cuisine. Guess its like energy fuel.

Not sure exactly how I haven't noticed this before. I guess at Christmas they put out enough shiny and sparkly objects and blast the Christmas tunes so loudly that it distracts the seasonal normal people. Otherwise, I can't help but think I'd have noticed the refugee camp-like squalor by now.

Thankfully, the mall is becoming obsolete. You can buy just about anything on line now, or at more easily accessed stores not in the actual mall. The original mall concept worked well-cluster a bunch of stores in one spot that collectively could supply most people's retail needs. Make it a pleasurable place to linger, and people would spend hours there. That formula worked quite well for a long time, to the point that along with WalMart's rise it killed off most downtown commercial districts and individual retailers. Plus, malls were at one point a relatively safe place to dump your kids for awhile while you and your spouse shopped; in other words, it was fun for the whole family. But as I said, there's not much point to the mall now. I can think of only a few reasons to go.

You can see the actual merchandise you want to buy, try it on to see how it looks or see if it fits your needs;

In those few stores with real salespeople, you can get somewhat more advice than on line;

You need gift wrapping;

You want to enjoy someone else's air conditioning, or your roof leaks at home;

You graduated from high school and want to feel superior;

You really need a fix of extra grease pizza topped off with a six pack of Cinnabons and a quart of Pepsi;

You're a senior citizen and need some place to go on your daily 20 minute walk where you won't get lost, get run over by a car, or there's likely to be someone close by who can call the ambulance when you, inevitably, fall and break your hip;

You're eluding the cops while trying to put the band back together.

Let's not even talk about the outlet mall. That's like the Assistant Crack Whore of the commercial world.

NEXT--either Respect Yourself, or How to Run A 5K Run