The Meaning of Respect

But the problem with y'all cats today, is that you got no skill. No sense of history. And then, with a straight face, got the nerve to want to be somebody. Want somebody to respect you. But it takes respect to get respect. Understand?

--Barbershop (2002)

You know the well's run dry when you're citing Cedric the Entertainer as authority. But truth is truth, no matter its source.

Our series on how to live your life keeps getting more fun and frisky with each passing chapter. Previous installments have taught you to grow the hell up already, to be true to yourself, true to your school, and true to your country.

Next we turn to a lesson of no less importance. You have to have respect to get respect.

Everywhere you turn, you find some idiot worked into a frenzy over "disrespect." Upset the boss promoted Kevin over him. Angry that everyone loved Angela's painting instead of his. Confident that the Wendy's counter clerk intentionally spilled his drink all over him. Why is everyone so worked up over David's song? "Mine was twenty times as good and no one said a word!"

Sorry to tell you, but while you go through life smelling your refrigerator's contents before you eat and wearing underwear several times before washing them (because, you know, they've still got some wear left), you need to recognize others. Especially the ones who are better than you. Which is a whole lot of people.

Look, you may have killer game, but no one's going to pay two minute's attention to you unless you come correct, and respect others. Believe it or not, we're all doing things when you're not around. The Sun doesn't revolve around the earth, much less you. You have to have respect to get respect.

There's two kinds of respect. There's the deference owed to certain excellent people as a way to honor them. There's also the ordinary respect you owe your fellow residents of Spaceship Earth.

The former category of people warrant your respect because they embody qualities and achievements that our society values highly. Things happen around here because of money (more specifically, people wanting money), curiosity, or altruism. No matter the reason, to achieve ends that society wants fulfilled, it requires some truly exceptional people with extraordinary talents, drives, and dedication. Not just rock stars or LeBron James either. Teachers, firemen, police, doctors, soldiers, caregivers...all the people who work long hours at often crummy jobs because they feel driven to help others. Even the ones who get bank often sacrifice other, better opportunities so that they can serve (like some top executives who go into public service for a time).

Our society needs these people and the work they perform. For whatever reason, we don't reward them monetarily at a level matching their performance. Respect helps fill that gap. We reinforce and repay all those who serve and excel through respect. It instills and deepens the value society places on those qualities, and draws people to them. Soldiers don't enlist for the money. They enlist because they want to protect and serve the country. We need people who think along those lines. We owe them respect because they're doing something we don't (or can't) do ourselves, and we want to foster an ethic that values soldiering highly. You could say the same about lots of other people and professions. Respect deepens the significance our society assigns to these valuable personal traits.

But insofar as the title goes, you can't just show up and demand respect. Respect is earned. Anyone can show up. Its what you do once you show up that spells the difference between bystander and outstanding. Your name or your money don't merit respect. But putting in the time, day after day, year after year, developing your skills, racking up skins (as it were), that's what earns respect. Freshmen deserve little respect, seniors much more so. When Hank Aaron walks in a crowded room with nowhere to sit, the reaction isn't "who cares" and indifference. Get up and give Hank your chair. He's Henry Aaron. You're not. He's the true home run king, a baseball executive, civil rights icon and legendary gentleman. You just updated your Facebook status about eating cheese.

The latter respect, treating others well, is pretty much the Golden Rule, right? You want to live in a world where everyone acts with a reasonable level of civility. You know, somewhere not in New York. Who wants to be yelled at, cursed, insulted, pushed aside, prodded, poked, humiliated? Other than you sickos out there (don't pretend you're not reading), nobody does. So why should you feel like you can do it to others?

This isn't just some Pollyanna wish. Purely selfish reasons should lead you to treat people with basic respect. A real life lesson is that karma usually finds you. Treat people badly, and sooner or later, no matter how much money or power you have, its going to find its way back to you. Case in point: the three worst client representatives I ever worked for were all absolutely abhorrent individuals. They made my life a living hell at various points. I would dread every day, anxious over when the phone would ring and they'd be at the other end making some outrageous accusation or demand. As you'd expect, they didn't treat me any differently than others within their organization with whom they worked. As these things play out in the 21st Century, the economy prompted their employers to cut the budget. When it came time to decide whom to retain, each one found themselves unemployed. Not only that, two of them never found another comparable position while the third found something on the extreme margins of the industry working for a very low salary. See how that works? It can happen THAT fast. Give someone a reason to think life would be better without your presence, and chances are that will happen. Burn bridges and you'll find it hard to get back to where you came. Oh, and in this context, everyone is a bridge.

Your colleagues may be lying, cheating scumbags. They may be offensive, annoying, and repugnant. You may want to staple their earlobe to their desk. But you never know when its going to come down to a choice between you and someone who doesn't use the staple gun. Plus, one of these days, you might need that lying, cheating scumbag to do you a solid. In a big way.

This also applies to the little people. Today's flunkie, clerk, and nobody is tomorrow's Lieutenant Governor, CEO, or IRS auditor. And don't pretend that the "nobodies" won't notice you abusing others. And remember it. Hey, I've got a five page list of people I'm taking down if I ever get the chance.

No, not really. That would be mean.

Or would it?

Keep this in mind. You didn't get to where you are now all by yourself. Everyone who's ever achieved anything in life can thank dozens of others who nurtured, mentored, and showed them the ropes. They respected you enough to share their wisdom, their time, and their attention. Without that kind of ethic, though it may strike one as hyperbole, our world would become a lot darker. "Every man for himself" really doesn't work, although every day it looks like more and more people think that way.

Are we clear about this?

Ah, forget it. Do whatever you want.

NEXT-Respect Yourself (or whatever other issue of monumental importance might happen to come up before then).