Paul Richards was the general manager and told me the Braves wanted to make me a coach for the following season. And that I would be coaching second base. So again, gone.
But that's when the baseball career started as a broadcaster. I remember working first with Milo Hamilton and Ernie Johnson. And I was all fired up about that, too, until I found out that my portion of the broadcast was being used to jam Radio Free Europe. And I picked up a microphone one day and my mic had no cord on it, so I was talking to nobody.
--Bob Uecker, 2003.
Sure hope everyone managed to survive Christmas 2011 without gunplay or other incident. Around here, it was the usual ritual of celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior by engaging in several of the Seven Deadly Sins. Sloth and gluttony topped the leaderboard, with some avarice and wrath sprinkled in. It definitely warms the heart. Now its time to take it all down, sort out your present haul, and re-hydrate before New Year's. I'm just holding on for dear life against the diabetic coma, which is no doubt about 15 minutes into my future.
But while I am, I thought I'd drop some more knowledge on you. More truth. To wit: there aren't enough "characters" in life anymore. This is what you need to know, two days after Christmas.
Look at all the stars these days, be they actors, athletes, or the new third category, people famous because they're famous (see: "Kardashian"). Other than the ones who purposely set out to be weirdos (see: "Gaga") or the trainwrecks who become criminal justice system clients (see: "Sheen"), just about all the stars these days do everything possible to prevent their adoring public from knowing what they're really like. They trot out publicity shills to speak on their behalf, hire professional web writers, twitterers and facebookers to handle their social media, all to prevent their adoring fans (whose eagerly forked over money finances their "gotta get me a second tiger" lifestyle) ever learning their true personalities.
Now, a "character" isn't necessarily some freak show. Its someone with a unique, possibly quirky but definitely entertaining personality. Sam Hurd trying to take over the Chicago cocaine market like he was Scarface isn't a character. Tiger Woods, seemingly the most boring man on the planet until you find out he's the poster child for sex addiction, isn't a character. Yogi Berra, unassuming but barely able to master the English language, is a character. Bill Walton, following the Grateful Dead and speaking in epic terms, is a character. Charles Barkley, full of opinions and hilarious observations, is a character.
The rise of TMZ and other paparazzi types obviously caused anyone with a rich personality to shut down public access to it. "Reporters" now stalk stars like lions hunting gazelles on the Serengeti, hoping to catch them doing something human, like gaining five pounds or wearing non-designer clothes. Their raison d'etre is to bring celebrities down to earth. Good goal, but they're ruthless about it. You're all to blame, of course. As much as yall complain about celebrity culture, you still watch all those shows and buy those magazines. Most of us know more about that grimace Denise Richards, for example, than our next door neighbors. Now everyone's in on the act. Even if there's no paparazzi around, everyone and their dog Sparky has a cell phone video camera who will catch you "in the act." So if you're a star or have some public persona, you always have to worry about being caught on camera doing something completely and totally normal, like dangling your baby over a balcony or doing bong rips right after setting Olympic swimming records or hitting a car in a parking lot and not leaving a note.
Which can be a real shame in some instances. You just know some of them are enormous nut jobs of Britney-esque proportions that we just haven't seen. Like Ozzy. Of course, in other instances, they're probably so boring they'd make talking to the brick wall seem exciting. Wouldn't you be a little less inclined to see the next James Bond movie if you knew the star was about as dynamic in real life as your vacuum cleaner attachments? Can you say "Gwyneth Paltrow"?
Either way, these people can't possibly afford to let you know they're something other than totally awesome. The financial stakes now have become far too great. Like Nike cutting off rape-defendant Kobe Bryant, or everyone cutting off Lindsay "Lightfingers" Lohan, ill advised personal moves can cause the loss in millions of lucrative advertising gigs, movie roles, or other "professional personality" jobs. As is true in all other walks of life, Fortune 500 companies live in mortal fear of offending anyone and suffering the resulting adverse publicity. Its bad for business. So not only do they run for cover from anyone with "problems," they won't even deal with people deemed "at risk." And "at risk" includes people who are just quirky. Charles Barkley has about the most engaging personality on TV, but you sure don't see him in a lot of McDonald's ads (which is a real shame, because a more perfect marriage couldn't possibly exist).
It doesn't help that the richer and more famous they become, the more sheltered lives they lead. Which in turn leads to escalating bizarreness requiring more concealment. How long has Paul McCartney, for example, been world famous? Like, reluctant to walk down the street famous? Maybe 50 years. Do you think Paul McCartney, no doubt living on some well secured country estate (security that George could have used, by the way), riding in limos, and being followed by security, has much of any clue about modern life? He may know his way around the Plaza or the Dorchester backwards and forwards, but I bet he wouldn't know how to use the self-checkout line at the grocery store. Which is fine, but remove someone from enough average daily life experiences, and pretty soon they start taking anaesthesia to get to sleep or collecting the Elephant Man's skeleton for fun. What, no good?
The homogenisation of American celebrity has taken its greatest hold in sports. Remember the famous scene in Bull Durham where Crash Davis teaches the young rookie the few cliches needed to deal with the media? Listen to interviews with just about any sports star, and its painfully obvious they've taken that class. Agents mindful of the player's endorsement and marketing potential (and remembering how endorsement deals vanish at the first hint of scandal), as well as avoiding controversies that might scare away owners from paying top dollar when the players reach free agency, diligently work to mold and protect their client's public image. Teams are complicit in this, with sophisticated media and marketing operations restricting access to players so that they deliver only the "approved" message. The leagues and teams are even beginning to take over the media operations directly, with each of the pro leagues having their own TV networks and most of the teams operating a reporting department ancillary to its media operations. Their ultimate goal seems to be to channel all player/media interaction through team filters, avoiding any off-script comments. Its the same drill that the old Hollywood studios ran to prevent you from knowing what a bunch of freak shows their stars were.
Hence, the fun shenanigans from years gone by of a Don Meredith, Mickey Mantle, Joe Namath, or a John Matuszak don't happen. These guys have too much money riding on keeping clean reputations, and when they do have a human moment, you generally never see it unless the media minders approve or it channels through a governmental agency subject to open records act requirements. When someone does swim upstream, like a Dennis Rodman, he has to take it so far that its kind of like his thing. You live for moments when these robots slip up and let down their guard before the cameras (like Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn at the Super Bowl, over which A-Rod purportedly threw a fit, or Ryan Leaf's act). As a result, these people come off as incredibly bland, focus-group tested, imitation person-like products, not actual human beings. Only when they slip up in a way that they can't control (like, hypothetically, when a spurned wife goes after her no-good cheating athlete husband and he hits a fire hydrant trying to escape) do we learn anything about their actual personalities. Hence, the sports page (or web sites) often reads like the police blotter. DWIs, domestic assaults, drug possession, positive drug tests, rampant infidelity....Hell, having multiple kids out of wedlock with multiple women seems kind of like standard procedure these days. Right up there with charging for autographs and being suspended for "violation of team policies." But true to form, once these incidents happen, everyone involved goes on media lockdown, save for the agent's obligatory issuance of a carefully crafted statement which the athlete purportedly wrote (and the team's promise to examine all the relevant facts once they are uncovered). That sort of publicly available information is just about the only non-controlled information available on these people.
The shame in this is that many of these people are quite engaging, interesting, and appealing. You can see glimpses on talk shows or non-scripted moments, when the acting stops and the personality takes over. These people would be better off just being themselves. Which is what just about everyone should do. Unless you're an asshole.
So, like many other things, the future hasn't necessarily brought progress. The world would be better served with fewer filters and more candor.
NEXT-the annotated US Constitution for the left and right. A fun and engaging look at our basic legal freedoms. I'm sorry, did I just yawn?
But while I am, I thought I'd drop some more knowledge on you. More truth. To wit: there aren't enough "characters" in life anymore. This is what you need to know, two days after Christmas.
Look at all the stars these days, be they actors, athletes, or the new third category, people famous because they're famous (see: "Kardashian"). Other than the ones who purposely set out to be weirdos (see: "Gaga") or the trainwrecks who become criminal justice system clients (see: "Sheen"), just about all the stars these days do everything possible to prevent their adoring public from knowing what they're really like. They trot out publicity shills to speak on their behalf, hire professional web writers, twitterers and facebookers to handle their social media, all to prevent their adoring fans (whose eagerly forked over money finances their "gotta get me a second tiger" lifestyle) ever learning their true personalities.
Now, a "character" isn't necessarily some freak show. Its someone with a unique, possibly quirky but definitely entertaining personality. Sam Hurd trying to take over the Chicago cocaine market like he was Scarface isn't a character. Tiger Woods, seemingly the most boring man on the planet until you find out he's the poster child for sex addiction, isn't a character. Yogi Berra, unassuming but barely able to master the English language, is a character. Bill Walton, following the Grateful Dead and speaking in epic terms, is a character. Charles Barkley, full of opinions and hilarious observations, is a character.
The rise of TMZ and other paparazzi types obviously caused anyone with a rich personality to shut down public access to it. "Reporters" now stalk stars like lions hunting gazelles on the Serengeti, hoping to catch them doing something human, like gaining five pounds or wearing non-designer clothes. Their raison d'etre is to bring celebrities down to earth. Good goal, but they're ruthless about it. You're all to blame, of course. As much as yall complain about celebrity culture, you still watch all those shows and buy those magazines. Most of us know more about that grimace Denise Richards, for example, than our next door neighbors. Now everyone's in on the act. Even if there's no paparazzi around, everyone and their dog Sparky has a cell phone video camera who will catch you "in the act." So if you're a star or have some public persona, you always have to worry about being caught on camera doing something completely and totally normal, like dangling your baby over a balcony or doing bong rips right after setting Olympic swimming records or hitting a car in a parking lot and not leaving a note.
Which can be a real shame in some instances. You just know some of them are enormous nut jobs of Britney-esque proportions that we just haven't seen. Like Ozzy. Of course, in other instances, they're probably so boring they'd make talking to the brick wall seem exciting. Wouldn't you be a little less inclined to see the next James Bond movie if you knew the star was about as dynamic in real life as your vacuum cleaner attachments? Can you say "Gwyneth Paltrow"?
Either way, these people can't possibly afford to let you know they're something other than totally awesome. The financial stakes now have become far too great. Like Nike cutting off rape-defendant Kobe Bryant, or everyone cutting off Lindsay "Lightfingers" Lohan, ill advised personal moves can cause the loss in millions of lucrative advertising gigs, movie roles, or other "professional personality" jobs. As is true in all other walks of life, Fortune 500 companies live in mortal fear of offending anyone and suffering the resulting adverse publicity. Its bad for business. So not only do they run for cover from anyone with "problems," they won't even deal with people deemed "at risk." And "at risk" includes people who are just quirky. Charles Barkley has about the most engaging personality on TV, but you sure don't see him in a lot of McDonald's ads (which is a real shame, because a more perfect marriage couldn't possibly exist).
It doesn't help that the richer and more famous they become, the more sheltered lives they lead. Which in turn leads to escalating bizarreness requiring more concealment. How long has Paul McCartney, for example, been world famous? Like, reluctant to walk down the street famous? Maybe 50 years. Do you think Paul McCartney, no doubt living on some well secured country estate (security that George could have used, by the way), riding in limos, and being followed by security, has much of any clue about modern life? He may know his way around the Plaza or the Dorchester backwards and forwards, but I bet he wouldn't know how to use the self-checkout line at the grocery store. Which is fine, but remove someone from enough average daily life experiences, and pretty soon they start taking anaesthesia to get to sleep or collecting the Elephant Man's skeleton for fun. What, no good?
The homogenisation of American celebrity has taken its greatest hold in sports. Remember the famous scene in Bull Durham where Crash Davis teaches the young rookie the few cliches needed to deal with the media? Listen to interviews with just about any sports star, and its painfully obvious they've taken that class. Agents mindful of the player's endorsement and marketing potential (and remembering how endorsement deals vanish at the first hint of scandal), as well as avoiding controversies that might scare away owners from paying top dollar when the players reach free agency, diligently work to mold and protect their client's public image. Teams are complicit in this, with sophisticated media and marketing operations restricting access to players so that they deliver only the "approved" message. The leagues and teams are even beginning to take over the media operations directly, with each of the pro leagues having their own TV networks and most of the teams operating a reporting department ancillary to its media operations. Their ultimate goal seems to be to channel all player/media interaction through team filters, avoiding any off-script comments. Its the same drill that the old Hollywood studios ran to prevent you from knowing what a bunch of freak shows their stars were.
Hence, the fun shenanigans from years gone by of a Don Meredith, Mickey Mantle, Joe Namath, or a John Matuszak don't happen. These guys have too much money riding on keeping clean reputations, and when they do have a human moment, you generally never see it unless the media minders approve or it channels through a governmental agency subject to open records act requirements. When someone does swim upstream, like a Dennis Rodman, he has to take it so far that its kind of like his thing. You live for moments when these robots slip up and let down their guard before the cameras (like Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn at the Super Bowl, over which A-Rod purportedly threw a fit, or Ryan Leaf's act). As a result, these people come off as incredibly bland, focus-group tested, imitation person-like products, not actual human beings. Only when they slip up in a way that they can't control (like, hypothetically, when a spurned wife goes after her no-good cheating athlete husband and he hits a fire hydrant trying to escape) do we learn anything about their actual personalities. Hence, the sports page (or web sites) often reads like the police blotter. DWIs, domestic assaults, drug possession, positive drug tests, rampant infidelity....Hell, having multiple kids out of wedlock with multiple women seems kind of like standard procedure these days. Right up there with charging for autographs and being suspended for "violation of team policies." But true to form, once these incidents happen, everyone involved goes on media lockdown, save for the agent's obligatory issuance of a carefully crafted statement which the athlete purportedly wrote (and the team's promise to examine all the relevant facts once they are uncovered). That sort of publicly available information is just about the only non-controlled information available on these people.
The shame in this is that many of these people are quite engaging, interesting, and appealing. You can see glimpses on talk shows or non-scripted moments, when the acting stops and the personality takes over. These people would be better off just being themselves. Which is what just about everyone should do. Unless you're an asshole.
So, like many other things, the future hasn't necessarily brought progress. The world would be better served with fewer filters and more candor.
NEXT-the annotated US Constitution for the left and right. A fun and engaging look at our basic legal freedoms. I'm sorry, did I just yawn?
1 comment:
Interesting post! I think more candor is indeed in order. I've definitely grown weary of this celebrity overload, with all the canned responses they've re-used...as you've pointed out. Just as it's refreshing when a politician comes along that speaks his/her mind rather than always putting a spin on things.
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