Where Have You Been?

Yeah, its been awhile since I've provided a new Daily Affirmation. Sorry about that.

Its been a busy time in Affirmationland. First of course was the holidays. As usual I spent my time soaking in the holiday spirit. I read Christmas stories to retards. Well, it wasn't so much Christmas stories as my grocery list, but in fairness, I do shop at Central Market (and I bring my own bag; does that make you happy, green snobs?). I worked on my arts and crafts A LOT. Must have made about 50 or so seasonal wreaths, which I donated to a local assisted living facility. The old guys mostly sat on them. I wound up giving the rest of them to the retards, who used them to play horseshoes. Actually, I guess it would be "washers." Then I spent some time doing volunteer marriage counseling. Naturally I can't divulge who I worked with, but let's just say that a German supermodel and a total douche singer with absolutely nothing in common can now move forward with their lives thanks to me. You're welcome. Call me, H! I was also working on a screen play for an After School Special about a family of pirate robots (actually they're robot pirates), where the youngest girl (Penelope...they're English robot pirates) learns an important lesson about good touches versus bad touches while playing in the local youth soccer league, and the oldest daughter (Ffion) steals the family Prius to meet her rock singer boyfriend (Barrett-a troubled teen robot but not a pirate, to which Ffion's family objected, with an eagle tattoo and a penchant for Luden's cough syrup who fakes Tourette's attacks to skip school). Ffion crashes the car into a pet store because she's too weak from her anorexia to focus on the road. I call it "Stay Out of the Caaaaaarrrrrggghhhhh."

What, too easy?

Then of course, there's been my catching up on naps. Which you probably know as the Republican debates. I've been working on perfecting my new macrobiotic organic vegan diet. I only eat grass clippings, dandelion leaves (sunflower leaves in a pinch) and old Hillary Clinton for President flyers. Haven't lost much weight, though about once a week I dream that I'm an Oompa Loompa and Sofia Vergara is a Homeland Security agent interrogating me with maple syrup and jumper cables.

So its been a really busy time for me. I've had a lot on my plate. Haven't had much time for crafting the profound, introspective examinations of the Human Condition you count on to find here.

I also haven't been feeling good, which has contributed to my absence. Take your pick-foot, back, stomach. And I haven't been looking great either. In fact, I look like kind of like a thinner Leonid Brezhnev these days. Uh, I guess that last bit has nothing to do with my ability to write. But now you know. So that happened.

But I did write a couple of things on Facebook worth sharing, as filler. I know. Facebook. How bourgeois....Welcome to the 2010s.

The first one was a response to someone who posted something about needing a new fake name for use in clubs. I got a little carried away with it. She deleted the post before I could provide this:

"Beatriz Ferreira. But you need a back story too. You grew up in Lisbon. Your mother was a model but later became a photographer, working freelance for various European fashion magazines. Now she's a Human Rights Ambassador for the United Nations. Your father was one of the original members of Quicksilver Messenger Service, and met your mother at an Atlantic Records reception while playing percussion and keyboards on the 1975 Rolling Stones Tour of the Americas. You work at Donna Karan in New York when not doing face and runway modeling, though you have a part-time business planning international parties. Its really more of a hobby than a business, but it lets you write off the fantastic parties you throw with your best girlfriends...Gisele, Adriana, and Minka. Your sister works for Amnesty International in London, but has a part-ownership interest in a small boutique in Mayfair. You're just in town for a few days, meeting a friend to help plan her wedding and enjoy some spa time. You were married once, just after high school, but you quickly grew apart and got divorced, even though the funny thing is you're best friends now. You live on the Upper East Side, near the Carlyle, in a little coop by the park. You like French movies, walking in the rain, Moroccan food, salsa dancing and driving Ferraris at the track."

OK, that was a little much, huh?

The other one is my description of every local newscast in America.

"Later in the broadcast, a fluffy kitty story and a local boy sells subscriptions to help pay for his grandmother's dialysis. But first, a local Iraq War veteran is suspected of a heroin-related quadruple homicide in [local poor neighborhood]. We take you now to [insert name of rookie, non-white male, recent community college graduate] with the story."

If you made it this far, there's something dreadfully wrong with you, and you should probably seek professional help or call the Psychic Hotline.

Hope to post something real next time. That is all.