Your Vocabulary Spring Cleaning

But think what you're trying to accomplish. Just think what you're dealing with.

The majesty and grandeur of the English language....It's the greatest possession we have. The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative and musical mixtures of sounds.

And that's what you've set yourself out to conquer, Eliza. And conquer it you will.

--Prof. Henry Higgins, My Fair Lady

If Higgins thought Eliza was a hopeless guttersnipe, its a good thing he never met Emmitt Smith. Or Joe Biden. Or George W. Bush. Yikes!

By the way, I think I'm becoming Henry Higgins. Just throwing that out there. Wears suits. Lives alone. Looks down on everyone. Likes to play dress up with Audrey Hepburn. Gulp. 

As I've written many times, I love all of you, but most of you are idiots. Is it too much to ask that you properly speak or write the English language? I'm not talking about immigrants who have to spend years learning English to learn the difference between "there" and "their" or master the fifty some-odd meanings of "set." I'm talking about people born in the United States who theoretically have been speaking English their entire lives.

Higgins was right. How we speak immediately sets us apart from others. Those who use proper grammar and vocabulary seem much more intelligent and accomplished than those who don't, even if they're really as dumb as a post. Why do the English seem so much smarter than we do? Surely not for any recent national achievements; their pitiful little island can boast only of hospital infection, banking fraud, and aristocratic malaise. They just invited a dead guy to play the Olympic opening ceremonies. No, its because generally they use a much richer and wider vocabulary and they write and speak in complete sentences. Oh, and they spell some words more foppishly than we do--"honourable." From what I can tell, the Scots don't sound more intelligent, at least, based on the snippets I can actually understand. That brogue makes them sound either possessed or like they're in the middle of a Thorazine binge. British schools teach students how to use the English language, so the Brits generally are more literate and articulate than Americans. Not like that's hard to accomplish; the average American yayhoo generally knows just enough to order a Bud Light at Hooter's and talk about how awesome Idol was last night. Think Peter Griffin. You can try dressing expensively and using the finest manners, but if you speak (or write) like you just auditioned for Jersey Shore, no one will take you seriously.

Higgins seemed to focus on pronunciation; we never saw him teaching Eliza grammar. Hence the awkward Ascot scene: "But its my belief they done the old woman in." But pronunciation is just a minor facet of communication. Using the language properly, both in conversation and in writing, truly marks an educated, intelligent person. Well, that and not being an idiot. Yet all around us, people engage in "cold blooded murder of the English tongue." Statistics and anecdotal evidence also suggest our educational system's decline. This is no coincidence. I routinely read briefs and pleadings authored by attorneys, each of whom (presumably) graduated not only from an American university but a law school, and somehow managed to pass at least one state's bar exam. For the most part, its like reading second grade book reports. Or an English translation of a document originally written in some other language, translated by someone who learned English three years ago: "The judge he do wrong when he passing on judgment court. He it face the principle wrong. He it confuse laws with not laws, and mistake right case where maximum wrong case. He should go down. Client are best party to win big case." You think I'm joking, but that's not too different than the spew I must read, every day.

Happily, as usual, I'm here to help. I can't really cure most of your deficiencies here. Many of you need to just start from scratch and go back to school with Thornton Mellon. Hey at least you and Sally Kellerman can practice your Triple Lindy.


But for the others, I've compiled a list of words and expressions that you should excise from daily use. If not for your sake, at least for the poor victims who must listen to you speak. You need to keep these out of your mouth entirely. Using these words and phrases immediately marks you as a rube.


Some of these phrases may originally had some value, but overuse has made them as stale and tired as your bell-bottom jeans. Or Chris Berman. Or watching your weight.  Like your wardrobe or your shrubs, you need to prune these archaic sayings from your vocabulary to avoid sounding like the proverbial 55 year old guy in a red Corvette, clinging desperately to whatever trappings of youth he can muster while cruising for twenty-somethings.  I don't have a Corvette. Groovy, baby! There's far more of these dead phrases than I cover here; these include only the ones I still hear people using. Oh, and, note...if you're completely cool and sophisticated, you can occasionally use these phrases ironically. Wit always plays.


The others are just stupid and ridiculous and have no place in the English language or decent society. I know Shakespeare used to make up words when it suited him, but you're not Shakespeare. You ride your couch eating Lunchables and cool ranch Doritos, and watching Dancing With the Stars while your kids try to make punch in the toilet bowl. Utter these phrases and you reveal your ineptitude to the world.

Extinct Phrases:

To be "down with" something. That is so "40 year old guy hanging on to youth by a fingernail."
Whassup?!?! It was an AD, people.
Bro! No. What, do you still wear your "Fiji Rush, 1988" t-shirt?
Retarded. This is how Lindsay Lohan speaks. Rule of thumb: do the opposite of LiLo.
Lightweight. Ok, Spuds McKenzie, have another brewski then.
Its all good. Hey, call me when you get back from Puff Daddy's "White Party" or text me while you're there.
True that! Put down your bandanna and your eight gold chains, Kip, and go help Napoleon feed the llama.
Just sayin'  Douche. I'm just sayin'.
Win-win, outside the box, outside the lines, holistic (or any other "consultant speak.") Speak English, freaks. And do something about your dandruff.
Chilling, chillaxing. See the next entry.
Anything that sounds like you're hanging out with Snoop Dogg (usually involves two z's in a row or a "z" substituting for an "s"). It makes you sound like the 'Nard Dog.
Crib (as a house). Are you on Jersey Shore? Ok, then.
Yo. Not unless you're on your way to Six Flags for the New Kids on the Block/Hansons concert.
Any shortened word, e.g. "whatevs" "obvi" "cray" You don't have enough time or energy to say the whole word? Really? Its that difficult? Laz.
That's what I'm talkin' about! Yeah, I know. I'm listening to you. Unfortunately.
Surfing the web. Your grandmother does it now. Lost its cachet.

Always was pointless:

Know what I mean/know what I'm saying? Yeah. I do. I speak English too. Better than, well, you apparently.
Irregardless. "Regardless" means "notwithstanding" or "despite" already. Putting "ir" in front of it adds nothing except redundancy. And makes you sound like an Alabama catfish shack waitress trying to talk all fancy.
At the end of the day. You mean, "at night"? Or at 5:00 when everyone leaves work? What does this mean anyway? If it means after considering all points you have reached a conclusion, just say your conclusion.
It is what it is. This confuses Bill Clinton, who doesn't know what the meaning of "is" is. Aside from that, its pointless to try to define something as itself. For example, I don't think Webster's defines "house" as..."house" Yes, indeed, Ayn Rand, "it" is what "it" is. That's a big help.
I personally.  Aside from the fact that anyone who says this immediately puts themselves on par with Miss South Carolina, "personally" is redundant. Either "I" did or thought it, or someone else did. No reason to add "personally."
With all due respect/no offense but. "Excuse me Mr. Davis, Irony is on line 3." All "no offense but" means is you're going to now say something offensive, even though you kind of sort of wish you weren't, but not enough not to stop.
Their/they're/your/you're. Maybe its a twitter or facebook thing. I know most of you can't spell to save your lives, but how do any of you go through life not knowing the difference between these words? Do I really need to go over this, Billy Madison? Please learn to speak the English language properly. At least as well as a first grader.
You know. Yeah, I do know. So you don't need to say it.
Turning nouns into verbs, e.g. "efforting" or "officing" or "Tebowing." See word shortening, above.
Verb sagas, e.g. "act" becomes "to take action on" or "analyze" becomes "to perform an analysis of." Unless you're getting paid by the word, or you're a 14 year old kid who has to do a 500 word book report, please don't convert verbs into their own story.
Yeah, no.... Ok, we get it, you don't know what to say next. You're stalling for time. Just try not to say a word, and then the exact opposite of that word, to cover your mind cramp. Its like "uh, soccer...fun." You sound like you're on Password.
Good stuff! I think this is a sports talk radio thing. When the host has run out of things to say. He'll just exclaim "good stuff" in response to a point someone has just made or to a call or guest, as if expressing general approval of the situation. Hey, for fun, use it as a pickup line and see how that works.
Times. Used as an instruction: "take the number of people, and times them by the number of plates, and that's how much it will cost." The word you're looking for is "multiply," people.
Few vs. less. If you're referring to a quantity or number, use the word "few." "There are fewer people on the boat than the train." When you're referring to a concept or condition, its "less." "Mark is far less trustworthy than Steve." Almost no one gets this right, but its like scratching a chalkboard to hear it otherwise.


There's a third category--words and phrases that have admittedly outlived their reasonable life span, but are so strong you can still use them every now and then, say once a month. Or you can use them ironically.

Once a month only phrases:

_____ is calling and he/she/it wants his/her/its __________ back. Used to death but its brilliant.
That's what she said. I don't care who you are, that's still funny. If you don't think that's funny, that's a "you" problem.
Beam me up. Funny for about three months in 1978. Not so much now, except to ridicule dorks. Who, most likely, will earn more money than you by five years from now. So punch while you still can.
That's what your mother told me last night in bed. Thank you Darrell Hammond.
You are so money. Swingers. Overused but awesome.

NEXT-either the joys of Louisiana.