Welcome Pope Francis



Pope Francis

I don't know too much about you, Francis, other than you look a little too much like Yogi Berra for me to take seriously. But that's a "me problem" which really doesn't involve you.

Those of you who want to celebrate, MTV has put together a "papal playlist" which, I assume, you can play at your Francis parties. Nothing like thanking God for the ascendancy of the latest Supreme Pontiff of the Holy Mother Church by jamming out to some Lady Gaga. Meat dress optional.

By reputation, Francis, you're all about helping the poor, without a lot of flash or style. Hey, a non-Baller Lifestyle Pope sounds like a promising start. How about selling off all those priceless works of art gathering dust in the Vatican? No? Ok, just checking.

Francis is, what, 76 years old? And he's replacing the last guy who had to be put out on the ice floe because he was too old at age 85. Soooo....this isn't likely to be a long-term reign on the Throne of Peter. Francis will be the Konstantin Chernenko of Popes, rather than a Stalin. (Hey, Catholics, sorry to compare your guy to the General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. That's a little harsh.).

Perhaps I shouldn't express an opinion here. As a Protestant, who celebrates Martin Luther's Ninety Five Theses nailed to the door of the Castle Church of Wittenburg (and who therefore can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas...bloody Catholics!), its really not my bag, man. But the Pope, if he possesses enough swag, can greatly affect world events. John Paul II was especially Baller in that regard. So the election of a new Pope affects more than just the Catholic believers.

I like that many "observers," whoever they are, have gotten all jazzed that he's a humble man who rides the bus to work and "talks to the people," like, you know, an actual preacher. Were they expecting Cardinal Rockefeller to win out? And were the Cardinals playing a little joke by electing an Italian from Argentina to succeed someone who was in the Hitler Youth? (Cause a lot of the Axis supporters fled to Argentina after the war...ok, that's a cheap shot too).

News accounts say he chose the name "Francis" to stress the mission of outreach to the poor and solidarity with the poor. But the name Francis evokes the three most famous Francises of all time.

The first, Francis of Assisi, was a famous do-gooder who, of course, rose to fame by founding the Franciscan Order of monks, who took vows of poverty and worked with the poor and downtrodden. And who was one of Annie's past lives in Bull Durham. The other was Catherine the Great. Not exactly the same.

The second, Francis Soyer, was the famous "Psycho" in Stripes. You know, "any of you guys call me 'Francis', and I'll kill you." That guy. Being the mature professional that I am, I've spent most of the day making "Lighten up, Francis" jokes about the new Pope. For that I will ask forgiveness. At some point.

The third, of course, was Pee Wee Herman's arch nemesis, Francis Buxton, in Pee Wee's Big Adventure. The guy who had Pee Wee's bicycle stolen. "I know you are but what am I?" Nice monogrammed baby blue jump suit by the way, Francis. Now THAT's living the Baller Lifestyle.

Pope Francis lacks one lung. To paraphrase Roger Sterling, they're so cheap they can't even afford a whole Pope.  My step-grandfather also had only one lung. Bud had his removed because he got cancer. He kept using asbestos at his welding job even after they banned it, and decided to keep smoking on top of that. Needless to say, his subsequent lung cancer took us all by surprise. Francis, on the other hand, had some sort of childhood illness. Bud moved kind of slow and was always hunched over and talked with a really husky voice. Sort of a Kathleen Turner on Friends voice. (As I wrote earlier today, yeah, I know about Friends. I'm not particularly proud of it. But I'm white and under 50 so its kind of mandatory). Anyway, I never understood anything Bud said. Just like Jesse Helms. Hopefully Pope Francis will have a better time of it.

I don't get all these people, mainly the usual lefty suspects, expressing shock, SHOCK!! that the new Pope isn't pro-gay marriage, pro-choice, pro-condom...in other words, that he's Catholic. What did they expect? That he would lead the Glorious Revolution? That the College of Cardinals, all of whom were appointed by a previous Pope, would pick someone who would reverse doctrines held for hundreds of years just to get in good with the likes of Andrew Sullivan and the New York Times editorial board? Uh, guess again. This isn't like selecting a Supreme Court justice, where some idiot Senator like Joe Biden can hold up a nomination until the judge says that, oh sure, he or she will definitely vote to uphold Roe v. Wade ("no problem!"). These guys didn't get to be Cardinals because they're radical reformers bent on overturning long-settled Church doctrine. This is like all the lefty commentators who get exorcised (no pun intended) when Republicans don't support higher taxes or spending more money on welfare programs. Did anyone really think that someone could rise to the position of Cardinal, all the while harboring views opposed to many of the Church's core values and beliefs, only so that one day they could dupe the other Cardinals into electing him as Pope and then change everything? How sneaky! Uh, no. That sounds like a Dr. Evil plot. Those pro-gay rights/pro-contraception priests? They all became Episcopals.

Or what I call "Catholic Light."

Anyhow, enough of this nonsense. Hopefully Pope Francis will enjoy a successful run, advocating on behalf of the downtrodden and working to build peace among nations.

God speed, Pope Francis!