Austin Confronts the North Korean Nuclear Threat (Or "Why Is Everyone Always Picking On Us?")



Daniel Johnston graffiti/art

Ex-civic treasure Leslie

As you may know by now, by including it in a list of possible missile targets, the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea has allowed the People's Republic of Austin to take its rightful place leading international dialogue about the fate of nations.  And efforts to unshackle oppressed nations like North Korea from the international yoke of American imperialism.

Or, as its discussed outside Travis County, its the first sane thing North Korea has proposed in 50 years.
 

As of this writing, I'm not back in Austin yet, having been spending a relaxing week in Houston, City of Concrete and Mosquitoes. And high water rates. But I can well imagine that this news thrills Austinites. Not only did Austin get a mention in the international press (did they mention our Eurotrash-friendly Formula One race? Its tres distingue), but it gives us a chance to side with the oppressed peoples (never mind who's really oppressing them) against the Great Deceiver: the United States Government. True, Barack Obama leads said government now, and most Austinites regard him as their Dream Date, but this all goes back over 50 years, back when real criminals were running the United States. Like Jim Wright. So, just like we adopted a resolution supporting Michael Jackson and condemning the LA prosecutors trying to put him away for child molestation (those pesky prosecutors just don't understand artists), now I'm sure we'll support the Pyongyang Gang in its hour of crisis.

What's more of a mystery is why North Korea's kid dictator, Kim Jong Un, would threaten to take out the Scourge That Is Austin. Hey, we're Fellow Travelers too, with Marx and Lenin and Mao and McGovern and all the other Greats. We've banned loud music and forced people to ride bicycles, and only allow Republicans to remain on the official Capitol grounds (you know, the Headliners Club and Barton Creek Country Club). We've got curbside recycling, and have strict restrictions on capitalist developers. We're just as weird as North Korea--we've have lots of parades, flimsy excuses for holidays, and everyone's on some bizarre starvation fad diet just like north of the DMZ. We're on your side, guy.

Naturally, this squabble brought Our Fearless Leader Rick Perry, Maximum Governor For Life of Texas, out of his Command Bunker (you call it "the Governor's Mansion") in true groundhog-like fashion. You see, Rick has a theory. He thinks Austin's reputation as a high tech utopia to which CEOs should move their businesses, has drawn North Korea's attention. For the same reasons its attracted attention from others, says He With the Perfect Hair. No doubt due to his own, err, "leadership," shall we say, in administering the Texas Technology Fund. Say what you will about Gov. Perry, he still doesn't miss a trick. One great thing about America is how local politicians never let a marketing opportunity go to waste. Mine cave in, tsunami, meteorite explosion, nuclear plant core meltdown, bizarre Kennedy family tragedy...some councilmember will always look into the news cameras and tell the national audience how "this community is resiliant and we can rely on one another" and "this is our home and we still love it more than anywhere else." I'm still shocked Ray Nagin wasted such a opportunity during Katrina to remind national TV audiences about  New Orleans' great restaurants and shopping and its, well, newfound buyer-friendly real estate market. Then again, he did lose his re-election bid. Stupid FBI.

Other possible reasons why North Korea might have targeted us run the gamut: "Un" couldn't get ACL Festival wrist bands, couldn't find parking during South By Southwest, really got pissed off about IH-35 traffic, still angry that they tore down the Armadillo, got upset that the Conservatives didn't prove strong enough to get rid of uppity House Speaker Joe Strauss (forgetting that over here, "conservative" has a slightly different meaning), or he just didn't want to carry his own bag to the grocery store. Each of these situations do seem to warrant nuclear warfare.

No one should dismiss as mere coincidence that the North Koreans are coming for Austin after all-time weirdo Dennis Rodman paid a visit. There's no telling what the Worm told them. Un probably thinks Austin is where America stores all the space aliens, like in Men In Black. Actually, I'm not sure I don't believe that myself. See above.

Really, this is so odd that it just illustrates once again what happens when powerful people put their kids in charge, instead of someone actually qualified to hold the job. Un's dad and granddad were plenty evil and despotic for sure, but unlike Saddam or Col. Tom Parker, they seemed to keep it together reasonably well. Un, however, is like Tommy Boy, floundering about trying to save Callahan Brake Pads, only without David Spade around to keep him focused. Or Judge Smail's nephew Spaulding. I could totally see Un at a dinner party asking the guy next to him if he's going to eat his fat. Actually, I could see Un confiscating and then eating everyone's dinner, and executing the guests while he makes them watch him eat their dinners. Un does seem to be the only North Korean alive without that Kate Moss-like, "wispy" quality. Meat Loaf thinks that guy has a weight problem. Let's just say, he hasn't switched to the sweet potato fries yet. I think its affected his decision-making.

Anyway, I'm sure Austin will confront this problem with the same resolute, expedient method that it brings to bear on every problem. Here's how it will play out. City Council will:

(1) appoint a study committee to analyze the threat and provide possible options;

(2) conduct a series of neighborhood outreach meetings to survey public opinion;

(3) consultation with bicycle activists;

(4) outreach to neighborhood groups;

(5) present findings to full Council;

(6) full Council tables action and discusses hiring consultant;

(7) consultant RFP process (repeat steps 1-4, to prepare RFP);

(8) consultant repeats steps 2-4;

(9) full Council tables action for indefinite period;

(10) Council takes up after next election, tabling action until neighborhood groups can be consulted;

(11) Council ultimately adopts resolution fully supporting North Korea's legitimate grievances and objections to the imperialistic American colonialist policies, but suggests the North Koreans adopt an alternative policy including a series of hot yoga workshops, cultural sensitivity seminars, and adding additional bicycle lanes around Pyongyang to demonstrate independence and harmony with the forces of peace among nations; and

(12) offers $10 million tax subsidy to fund a new "Central Texas Institute for the Study of Korean Unification."

I'm not sure we should leave it at that. We really need to go a little further and offer up some alternative target cities. Here's some suggestions:

• Dallas. If you have to ask, I wonder why you ever started reading this blog in the first place. Everything soulless and evil about Texas somehow can trace its origin to Dallas. Its the one town in America that lacks any discernible trace of  Elvis. Well, except maybe Salt Lake, but, see below. And its close enough to Austin that the North Koreans, weakened from a lifetime of Red Cross package cuisine, marching, and serving as human targets, probably won't know the difference.
• Orlando. We would have accepted "anywhere in Florida between Gainesville and Miami" as well. Hey, Orlando's great if you like humidity, concrete, kid throw up, and freeways. Otherwise, really, how can it atone for hosting the International Disney Menace?
• Detroit. This would give everyone a chance to start over, and save on legal fees in the process. Hopefully the Tigers could relocate first, but really, if we lost Detroit, what, exactly, would we miss?
• Odessa. See prior posts. It really just slides right out, and Texas has plenty of other places where short sleeved heavy equipment rental representatives and pipeline operators can practice their demon arts in relative peace.
• Salt Lake City. Other than the seemingly misplaced Mexican-American community on the north side of town, this is probably Earth's Whitest Place. By which I mean its the most boring place in the world. Plus, its where the Utah Jazz play, so one nuke will forever rid the NBA of the biggest bunch of floppers in the game.  Big Love is over, so, again, no loss.

We also need to explain that Roky Erickson still lives here, and I'm not sure we can move him. Surely they'll understand the impossibility of losing Roky.

Hopefully these measures will spare Austin the horrors of nuclear annihilation. But if not, at least we'll get what we always wanted. We'll finally be in the same class as LA, which is what all the hipster d-bags around here really want anyway.

NEXT-Downton Abbey and Mad Men. Maybe?