Top 5 Biggest Douchebags

A-Rod's number one fan

Has anyone seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?

Can someone get my towel? Its in my room next to my Irish walking cape.

I'm like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.

Pine has no place in this loft. Its the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!

Has anyone seen my good peacoat?

Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons.

You're listening to the radio and writing with a pen. What decade are we in?
--quotes from Schmidt, the douchiest character on the New Girl

Well, Formula One weekend has descended, like locusts or Mexican cross-boundary wildfire smoke, upon Austin. Can it be a coincidence that we've arrived at that spot on the Top 5 list where we must contemplate...the douchebag? I think not. Like New York's rats or LA's traffic, the d-bags are well on their way to taking Austin as their prize. Combine money, fashion, and pretentiousness, and you inevitably attract the douchebag like garbage brings flies. That's the Austin events calendar in a nutshell.

What's a "douchebag" exactly? I mean, in the modern parlance. Urban Dictionary defines it as:  "An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intellegence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears." The still hilarious web site "Hot Chicks with Douchebags" explains:  "A douchebag is not defined as simply a series of hand gestures, facial expressions, overly gelled hair or a giant Jesus bling around the neck. A douchebag is a state of mind. It is a place where men go to become scrote. Where machismo mixes with testosterone to form a foul cocktail of rank sewage that smells vaguely of cheap cologne." In other words, everyone on the Jersey Shore. Or who lives in Vegas.  I think of it as an umbrella term that encompasses a particular lifestyle, aesthetic, conduct, attitude, and appearance.

Full house

What oh so subtle, tell tale signs mark the douchebag's natural habitat/breeding ground? Helen Keller couldn't miss them (what...too soon?). And, like a 12 car pile up, you can't help but look despite his ghastly appearance. Look for someone reeking with undeserved arrogance. Consumed with preening. Incessantly making largely meaningless hand or arm gestures. Dripping with adornment (you know, "bling"). Axe body spray. Sufficient tattooing to support that "fierce" look. Comically sculpted and processed, multi-level hair, including designer facial hair (numerous varieties of either the Prince Valiant pencil thin beard or seemingly unkempt beard but in reality meticulously trimmed to maintain that "not maintained" look). Ed Hardy clothing or some other "sad to be so skin tight" get up. Like...skinny jeans. "Overtrained" muscles (sometimes lurking under 25% body fat, other times with "I spend eight hours a day training because I can't keep a real job" body definition). Machismo lacking in substance. Sunglasses worn inside. Fake glasses taken from Elton John's Captain Fantastic-era collection.  Backwards or tilted hat wearing (tags still on, obvs). Rejection of responsibility. Self-inflated ego, usually with unrealistic appraisal of individual importance to the rest of society. In the case of quasi-celebrities (hey "Entourage" guys, what up?) this is known as the "do you know who I am" denouement. Intolerance of anyone else drawing attention in their presence. Mall-gotten airbrush tan. Manwaxing. Obliviousness to other people's feelings or welfare or disease history. Using bizarre and shortened versions of words (because entire words require too much effort, hence, doing something "on the regz," or something is "obvs" or you'll "probs" do something). Not tipping. Treating everything they do like its the most profound and serious activity known to man. Spending far more money than the actually have (gotta represent, yo). Consumption of mass quantities of over-priced alcohol at poseur clubs where the "BOOM BOOM BOOM" sound drowns out any conversational possibilities (which is just fine because the D-bag's nod is his "go to" move). Smoking (often "e-cigarettes"). Ye shall know them by their place at the poolside bar. Or at the W Hotel.

Is it the death stare or the tight shirt that the babes must have?

Poolbags

Oh, and, natch, absolutely crawling with STDs. I mean, so far gone the Centers for Disease Control wouldn't touch them. Dr. McCoy couldn't cure what's crawling through these guys.

Can women be douchebags? Interesting question. The answer is "yes." Absolutely. Check the list. Usually its the plastic surgery crowd. Women who have 35 "best girlfriends ever" and who run in packs of at least 10 at a time everywhere they go. Who constantly scan the room everywhere they go, no matter who they're with. Generally found at hot yoga, Starbucks, malls, marginally upscale salons (featuring nail care and "sunless tanning"), Pilates studios, and the hottest club in town. Wearing clothes at least two sizes too small and 15 years too young. Cheap makeup (hiding permanent breakout and clubbing-induced premature aging spots). Cheaper, clashing color nail polish. Fake hair. Or, chemically processed, trash dyed hair. With roots. Botox. Other, uh, obviously fake attributes. Expensive but ill-fitting and poorly maintained shoes. Purse with frayed lining, which goes with nothing they own. But, like their male counterparts, they too over-adorn, possess unreasonable delusions of attractiveness, a "what can you do for me" attitude, and absolute "me first" back stabbing, run over anyone in the way sensibility. Have you not seen Real Housewives?

Now that you know what we're dealing with, the Top 5 almost writes itself.

5. Kanye West. Going full on crazy ass mofo on Taylor Swift at the VMAs. ALL CAPS TWEETING!!! Showing up late or not at all. Bizarre live TV diatribes. Posing as Jesus (complete with douchy crown of thorns) for Rolling Stone. Saying the government invented AIDS to destroy black people. Yelling at the Grammys to stop playing music until he finished his acceptance speech (which, really, is on the Grammys for giving him an award in the first place. Number of Grammys won by Elvis Presley for rock songs...zero-say whaaaaaaat?). Calling himself the voice of his generation. Uh, ok.


You're fired!

4. Donald Trump. The hair, or whatever kind of animal pelt sits on top of his head, obvs. Modelizing. Delusions of grandeur. The voice. The over-the-top-and-back-down-the-other-side lack of taste. Spending other people's money. Trump made his money in real estate by putting together investment trusts rigged such that he'd make most of the profits while his partners would incur most of the losses. Nice. Putting his name on every project. Trump Plaza. Trump Tower. Trump Country Club. Ego, much? You just know this guy has a vast array of man rings. And a butler.

Hanging on

3. Bieber. Everything that is wrong with this country can be summed up in one word: "Bieber." Vanilla Ice thinks this guy is a little bit much. Shirt baring. Pants hanging. Crotch grabbing. Tatting up to deflect otherwise babyish features. Bling bigger than his entire body. Going to the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam and writing in the guest book that she's have been a "Belieber." Showing up at NBA games wearing the home team's gear (nice loyalty). Driving an Audi with cheetah pattern painted on it. Buying a monkey, then abandoning said monkey on a trip (Ross on Friends reeeeeeeeeally hated that). And, appearing in public looking like this. Teenage girls go crazy for this...why? This is why the Chinese own us.

2. Kris Jenner What can you say about a mother who distributes her daughter's sex tape to the media and then uses that to push her daughters into reality show fame? Milking that for all its worth, all the while emasculating her former Olympian second husband (the first one died after divorcing her, and representing OJ Simpson was only the second worst experience of his life) and hogging as much on camera time as the kids, browbeating them all along. Telling her story non-ironically is to mock her. Like when Tina Fey impersonated Sarah Palin by repeating, word for word, her answers in a Katie Couric interview. Kris Jenner reminds me of what Norman Bates' mother must have been like, before, you know (spoiler alert) ending up in a rocking chair.

Chris Brown's Greatest Hits

1. Chris Brown OK, now we all know this 'bag, right? Rihanna's not the most sympathetic person ever, but there's no call for treating her like your personal speedbag. Then mocking her about it after. Sending out homophobic tweets. Blowing up his Good Morning America dressing room (its one thing to do that if you're Keith Moon, but that act is played my man). Threatening valet parking attendants over $10. Starting a pitbull breeding business. Bar fights. Battered woman neck tattoo. Engaging in hit and run. Why the world has any use for this guy eludes me. Chris Brown,  ARE the biggest douche.

NEXT-Top 5 Bill Murray scenes. Finally, something I actually want to write. "Big hitter, the Lama."