Top 5 Worst Jobs

Ahh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead
and come in Sunday too, kay?

Peter Gibbons: Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.
Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.
Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael.
--Office Space, 1999

Well, the magazine P.O.V. came out this week, with a list of the best and worst jobs to have in the next century. The three best were, in this order: Multimedia Software Designer, Management Consultant, and Interactive Advertising Executive; while their worst, for the third year in a row: Crack Whore.
--Norm MacDonald, 1997

Man do I miss Norm. I think the following year when the "worst jobs" issue came out, he said "crack whore" had been replaced by "assistant crack whore."

Which is pretty much a given. But what are the other worst jobs?

So what makes a job horrible? Overbearing bosses, criticizing your every move and treating you like a five year old, or having you work all weekend because they couldn't manage the place more efficiently during the week. Asking if you got the memo on the TPS reports. Rude or overbearing co-workers who won't let you have one moment's peace. Uncaring and dehumanizing customers who seem to think they will obtain better service by yelling at you or complaining. Unsafe or unbearable working conditions. Wearing a name tag. Answering to consultants. Constantly having to justify your job and performance of that job. Reporting to unqualified supervisors. Making less than people at other companies who do the same job. Women laugh at you when they find out what you do. Did no one watch Office Space? Its pretty much all there.

Pretty much my summer job working in the un-airconditioned Humble school district warehouse. It was even worse than that. I couldn't drive, so I caught a ride with my parents' friend who worked for the district. During the day I had to ride around with this other guy who thought Christopher Cross was the most amazing performer ever. He insisted on rocking to such hard core tunes as "Sailing," or "Ride Like the Wind." At day's end, I was praying for sweet death. Which thankfully never came or I would never have known most of you. Hey, I was grateful to have a job at all. I think I used my entire earnings to buy speakers and a stereo receiver at Pacific Stereo. All in all, a pretty sound investment for a 16 year old (no pun intended).

In listing the worst jobs, I'm only focusing on American jobs. Even though 2/3 of all American jobs are now on the other side of the International Date Line. There's no point in listing jobs in the Philippines, or some other malaria-infested backwater without worker safety laws. Or really, laws period. Where a third of the population is missing one limb or other "digits." Or works 80 hours a week in dimly lit, no air conditioned factories making Air Jordans for 10 cents a day. Or, even better, spends all day crawling on trash heaps outside Mexico City or Buenos Aires looking for food and clothes. Sidebar-no matter how badly you think the Democrats or Republicans have performed in office, I'd temper the "our country is going down the tubes" talk until you see gigantic open air trash mounds outside major cities with thousands of people crawling over them to sustain themselves.

Or illegal jobs. Like crack whore for example. Or Mafia murder scene trouble shooter (actually, I could see myself being the Wolf). Drug dealer doesn't seem like a good long-term career move. Oh, sure, maybe one out of a thousand might clever his way into some Tony Montana-esque lifestyle. But eventually, competitors decide its easier to kill you than compete with you. Or worse.

The Wolf

I've always had fairly modest job ambitions. Which may account for my present situation in life. Basically I'm content to have any job where I don't have to work outside or wear a name tag. That rules out retail sales and slogging through ditches and pouring coffee at Starbucks. Actually my ideal job would be stocking grocery shelves at night after the store closed. You work inside, don't have to deal with customers, and you can work at your own pace. As a kid, I wanted to be a football player or an astronaut, like everyone else. But I really wanted to drive a TXI cement mixer. We had to pass a TXI facility when we drove to my grandma's house in Galena Park. That seemed totally cool. It actually still does. I also aspired to become a television repairman. I wanted to work at Oaks Television (off Bellaire Boulevard as I recall). I can't remember why exactly. Hey, drive a cement truck or fix TVs. A boy can always dream big, huh? Since then, I can only remember wanting to practice law. Well, not so much practice law as argue with people, which basically is what I do. Imagine getting paid for doing what you do with your family for free. It's pretty sweet. I lack any other employable skills. Basically I could only do two other jobs: play-by-play announcer or game show host. The former pays very little (unless you're the lead network announcer) and the latter has become virtually obsolete. Secret agent would be pretty cool too, but the whole getting shot at for government salary levels kind of takes the swag out of it. So lawyer it is!

BTW, I thought about putting "roughneck" on the list, until I remembered roughnecks make pretty good money, no one abuses them, its a respectable job, and they're in high demand even when drilling goes down somewhat. So, not roughneck. 

Deckhands

5. Deckhand. Most of you don't know this, but I went to deckhand school at a marine towing company, Hollywood Marine, when I began my first attorney job in New Orleans. My firm represented Hollywood Marine, and sent all new lawyers there to learn a little bit about life on a boat. I think I was the only guy there who hadn't gotten out of prison within the last six months. They loved having me there. My firm handled a lot of Jones Act (personal injury on maritime waters) lawsuits, so we all needed some idea what these people did. I learned about tying off barges, handling cargo, working with liquid hoses, and basic safety principles. It...sucked. You had to cover all exposed skin, whether it was freezing or burning hot outside. You have no shade because you're out on deck all day. You must quickly tie off heavy barges using heavy steel cables. You must work two week tours, on the job 12 hours and on call the other 12 hours. And you're often exposed to some of the most noxious and deadly chemicals imaginable. But I guess you don't have to wear a name tag. Which is something. Oh, wait, you do, sewn on all your shirts.

4. Roofer. Standing on an uneven surface two or more stories off the ground. Check. Using dangerous tools. Check. Frying in the sun reflected off the roof? Check. Getting skin cancer from years of sun exposure? Check. Yep. Sounds like a dream job.

3. Farmer. I know, I know. Farming made this country great. Farming evokes myth, Americana,

Do the chickens have large talons?

images of clean cut kids by the fire after doing their chores. Riding in a surrey with a fringe on top to the hoedown. Ropin' and a ridin'. Well you go ahead and cling to that image because modern farming has nothing to do with that. Farming is the most dangerous occupation in America. By far. Pesticide exposure. Heavy equipment accidents. Animal diseases. "Runoff."  Not to mention that unless you're some giant enormous corporation, the classic American family farmer simply can't make money over the long haul. Food prices are too low; investment costs are too high. Did no one see Field of Dreams? Ray had to turn the farm into a baseball field to stave off bankruptcy. And you have to work before sunrise to after sunset for long stretches of the year. Rain or snow, hot or cold.

¿Que?

2. Waiter. Or as I like to call it, "actor." What's the old joke? New York has 100,000 actors and not a single waiter? Unless you're working at a very upscale restaurant (and sometimes even then), waiting tables amounts to day after day of humiliation, disrespect, stress, and physical burden. Waiters don't really make a salary. They get a paycheck for below minimum wage and often don't get any insurance or other benefits. They rely on tips, and from what I know, most people tip only a pittance. Just about everyone dumps on waiters. Ordering food at a restaurant represents many people's only chance to give another human being instructions. So a lot of people abuse it, of course. Barking at waiters, undertipping them, complaining about the service. The waiter only fronts for an entire team, of course. Busboys, bartenders, dishwashers, cooks, prep, buyers, food deliverers, managers. But customers only interact with waiters, so they give waiters all the blame for anything that goes wrong. Trust me, your waiter didn't put lipstick on your glass, or tell the busboy to use a glass with lipstick on it. And your waiter didn't ask to serve 25 tables at 7:00 p.m. If you want instantaneous service at all times, where the waiters telepathically know when its time to refill your water or if your foie gras is overly insouciant, I recommend you dine at French Laundry. And pay for the resulting service level. Otherwise, get off the waiter.

You talkin' to me?

1. Taxi Driver. Yeah that movie was no lie. Imagine having to sit in an uncomfortable chair, every day or night. Drive all around town and risk being in a wreck every minute. Or spending hours in a line at the airport or a hotel. Paying for your own cab. Then sitting in a cab with God only knows who. Worrying about who'll be the one that attacks you, or doesn't pay you, or tries to make you become a Mormon, or smells like they just left a rendering plant, or insists on talking your ear off about whatever boring subject is on their mind. You have to drive all over town, good areas and bad. The scum of the earth gets in your cab along with high society. "Taxi" may have been a fun TV show, but its not the reality. But I guess you do get to wear whatever you want (feel free to haul out that Members Only jacket) and act like a psycho, so maybe its not all bad. Maybe you could meet Jodie Foster.

NEXT--Top 5 Biggest Douchebags. Oh, yay. Another positive post. Look out Bieber.