My Future Internet Searches

Get there before 5!

I'd planned to post this on my birthday, which happened to fall on the date that Robin Williams passed away. Thanks for taking my spotlight away, dude.  Some people are so selfish. Like when Michael Jackson died a few hours after Farrah, instantly quashing all Farrah-related remembrances. At least it's not like a December 7th birthday. Or November  22nd or September 11th. (I recently met an American adult who didn't know the significance of November 22nd. This illustrates one huge problem our country faces-generations of people with no clue what happened before they were 10 years old). In reality, I wasn't feeling all that funny and you probably weren't either.

But now that an *appropriate interval has passed, its back to the hilarious comedy bits.

*=72 hours, as opposed to ABC News, which had helicopters flying over his property within a couple of hours.

So anyway I happened upon a hole in the space-time continuum (look, there's no conceivable connecting sentence to get from there to here, so why try #teamlazy), and somehow stumbled upon my internet search cache from 20 years from now. (just...go with it. This isn't one of my better efforts). And, DAMN! I do NOT like where things are headed in life. Let me tell you. Sidebar, who knew there'd still be an internet 20 years from now. We got from the Walkman to the iPod in 20 years; you figure the internet would have given way to more efficient means to download porn and track down old high school girlfriends (for men) and post kitten/childrens' photos and inspirational "I can do anything" memes (for women). Surely there must be a better way. But there's NOT! So we still have to enter searches. And your browser still records those searches....is the premise of this wacky posting.

Hey, did you know Charles Manson's getting married? That's kinda crazy huh? Just goes to show I'm still not too old to get married. And that some wives will do anything not to have to see their husband every day. You know, that chick has a real Leslie Van Houten look about her. Be afraid. By which I mean, "be terrified."

Eh, enough riffing. Here's my internet search history from 2034.

"Maria Bartiromo"

Quien es mas macho, el antiquador?

"Discount antiquing trips"

"Prostate symptoms"

"Dinner specials before 5 p.m."

"Katy Perry photos"

"World weather forecasts"

"Best comfortable house slippers" 

"Nearest Luby's"

"Hearing aides"

"Comfortable slacks"

Action Zone

 

"Hernia surgery"

"Local Republican women's clubs"

"Thick As A Brick lyrics"

"What is erectile dysfunction. "

"Best nursing homes"

"Eyelid surgery"

"Senior citizen discounts Austin"

"Come On Eileen double meaning"



Call Me 'Natasha' darlink!

"Mail order bride"

"Saving money repair appliances"

"Texas Longhorns schedule"

"Blotch coverup"

"Hair regrow"

"Kendall Jenner address"

"Best restaurants dining alone Paris"

"Dreams with bananas"

"Hip replacement surgeons"

Just do me a favor and kill me now.