The Middle Age Packet

Back in the Glory Days

Now I think I'm going down to the well tonight
and I'm going to drink till I get my fill
And I hope when I get old I don't sit around thinking about it
but I probably will
Yeah, just sitting back trying to recapture
a little of the glory of, well time slips away
and leaves you with nothing mister but
boring stories of glory days
--Bruce Springsteen, "Glory Days"

Quoting Springsteen lyrics to evoke poignancy does seem like the Joey Buttafuoco biography's dedication page, but they hit the mark for what follows. Apologies for sinking to this state.

You see, kids, tomorrow I turn 50. "I'm 50!!!" And as with all other birthdays ending in zero, it sure gets you thinking. Not "go buy a Corvette and start hitting on Hooters waitresses" thinking, but reflective nonetheless.

Then the AARP packet hit my door. One albatross ("ALBATROSS!!) like harbinger of senility, I mean, growing older, is when that thing arrives. As far as messages go its the "Luca Brazzi sleeps with the fishes" way of announcing your youth is now floating somewhere in the East River.

I experienced the joy of receiving that packet earlier this week. Good times. I disgustedly threw it down on my kitchen table, as if to teach it a lesson and show it who's the boss. Of course, it joined about 20 other mailings I'm too lazy to move to the recycle bin, which is hardly Boss-like. The point is, I never saw what the packet contained. But it could only include bad stuff, because it tries to tell you that you've arrived in your "senior years" and now you need to start worrying about medicare and estate planning and yogurt shop senior discounts (good only before 6 p.m. because, you know, I should be in bed by then, with my teeth on the nightstand next to me).

But after I tossed the packet down with a flourish, I started thinking what AARP, or some other omniscient, omnipresent being should include in a Welcome to Old Age, errr, middle age, packet.

Certainly it shouldn't include membership cards. You want to know how old I am? Check my face. Especially the patches where it looks like I have no beard, but that's really because the whiskers are white.

The packet should include things you really need when you reach 50. That's middle aged, because  I'm living to 100. True story. 100. I'm going the distance. Joining the Century Club. In other words, I'm going to all your funerals. Try to serve something easy to chew, please.

So instead of yogurt coupons and medicare info, here's what my packet should have included.

Bad memory. I'm pretty much most of the way there already, but I'm thinking you need to forget all the slights, failures, disappointments, crap storms, and battles you've endured through the years. Its like cleaning your gutters out. As Garth Algar beckoned, "Live in the Now!" And bad memory will help you forget how old you actually are, so you won't miss out on opportunities just because you're "too old."

 

Good memory. To remember the good times. Mainly for when you're too damn old to keep having them.

Sweaters are comfy

A sweater. Because once you're 50, it's always cold.

Patience To suffer all the fools and idiots. they become fools and idiots because they don't know all the useful stuff that you do. Like how to fix the sink. Or the right way to mow the yard. You know. Important stuff.

Bad hearing. Because they're talking about you. And you probably shouldn't listen to modern music. Ever. 

Good hearing. Because, well, you know. People start speaking softly to you.

Flexibility. To try new things, remain open to new ideas, meeting new people, and live in the now (and not 30 years ago). Hey, its not 1975 anymore. And it never will be again (thank God). You don't want to be the guy in 2014 who's still spouting 1970s-era ideas. That just makes you Austin Powers (if you're lucky, or Donald Sterling if you're not). Embrace the present. That's where you actually live. Roll with the times. Don't be a walking museum.

Don't forget the butter!

Initiative. Ronald Reagan entered politics at age 55. Phyllis Diller became a comedian at age 37. John Glenn became an astronaut at 39 and was 49 when he first ran for public office. Julia Child started her cooking show at 50. Joy Behar was a teacher until 40. Its not too late. Well, maybe for some things. My NBA center career arc isn't looking that promising these days.

Ways to Give back. Because you know stuff that others should know (they just don't know it). Like how to fix the door knob. Don't just keep it to yourself. Seriously, does anyone know how to fix a door knob?

Let's pick up the pace!

Driving Lessons. Whether from the Beldar Conehead Driving School or otherwise, you need to avoid driving 2 mph in a parking garage. You lingering long enough won't make front row spaces magically appear. Or 45 mph on the freeway. Or creeeeeeeping around a right hand turn, worried about creating some space-time continuum sling shot effect if you take it too fast.

Bad eyesight. You don't want to see what you look like, or what people your age look like.

Good eyesight. So you can read the fine print, and road signs. And still see hot women at a distance.

Money. The time in life where its acceptable for a man to ask his buddies if he can sleep on their couch ends sometime well before 50. Or to ask them to help him move.

This 46 year old Tony award winner is healthy

Health. You have one, and only one, body. There's no change outs or returns. To now, it hasn't been that difficult to keep it up and running. But its going to become much more of a challenge. Stay active. Stay alert. Eat right. Nourish your body. Use it for something other than lying on the couch. Work especially on balance to avoid falls. Go to the doctor. Don't punish yourself with drink and fat and smoke (ahem, New Orleans?).

Curiosity. The time to stop learning is never. You stop using your brain, it will atrophy just like a muscle. The people who die early more often than not are the ones who don't do anything challenging as they grow older. Once you're a potted plant, its just a matter of time.

A spouse. All those studies that show you live twenty million times longer if you're married or in a very long-term relationship. Ugh. It haunts my dreams!

OK, that about covers it. This packet would be really hard to fit in my mail box.

NEXT-My next 50 year old google search list.