Moratorium! Part One

Don't mess with my girl

A two parter, both concerning people that I'm sick of hearing about. Time to move on along. Here, I name some people that its time to stop kicking them. We get it. They're horrible, or failures, or whatever. Message received. Loud. Clear. Can we go after someone else now? Like Kobe, perhaps?

In part two, I name some people who, for the love of God, can we please go for one minute about hearing how spectacularly and impossibly awesome they are?

Miley Cyrus. Does she actually sing songs? Because for all I can tell, she's just in the shock business. But at some point, you go as far as you can go and then you have to rely on actual real talent. Which I'll assume for the sake of argument that Hannah Montana has (but Miley, I'm not so sure). How long exactly can you get people to pay you to simulate (I hope) sex with various objects and backup dancers before it loses its novelty value? Yeah, I think Miley has reached that point. Short of her having a human sacrifice on stage or just going Jim Morrison in Miami on the audience, its played. Time to see whether you can get by on, I don't know, uh, SINGING. And put your tongue back in your mouth, dear. That's nasty.

Pres. Obama. Remember that line in Animal House when they're viewing pictures of the pledges and deciding whether to give them an offer, and Flounder's photo comes up, and everyone boos and hisses, and Otter gets up and says "ok, this guy's a real zero, that's true," and then defends him? That's kind of where the 44th President of the United States is now. He came into office only six years ago, the darling of the media, a transformational, iconic figure. His party had control over both houses of Congress. He had sky high approval ratings. He even won a Nobel Peace Prize, basically for not being George W. Bush. Today, things are different. You don't even have to run off a list of defeats and failures. Actions speak louder than words. Congress flipped to the Republicans. His own party's candidates, the sharps, not only told him not to campaign for them, half of them wouldn't even admit that they voted for him for President. THAT is not progress. So everywhere you turn, you run into some article on whether Obama can achieve anything on his agenda, will the Republicans run over him, what's wrong with the President. Hell, even the media has fallen out of love with him. Even two years from 2016, Hillary Clinton has begun receiving near Obama-like attention levels. One pictures him alone in the White House living quarters, with a bitter and resentful Michelle ("why is everyone so mean to me?"), wondering why people (other than Gwyneth Paltrow) won't just do what they're told (like they used to)?  Its a mystery. But the media cycle and the public's gnat lifetime length attention span finally caught up to him. Our President is yesterday's papers (errr, tweets). So for all you Fox Newses, and Tea Party "Patriots," and talk radio outlets, and Facebook crazies, its time to start letting it go. Policies are still fair game of course. Cabinet appointments. Supreme Court nominees. But all the fun we used to get from wondering where he was really born or if he's a secret Muslim covertly working to plant terrorists in the country and install "Sharia law" (whatever the hell that is) or if Michelle secretly munches on fries and apple turnovers when no one's looking...its played. Time to move on to something and someone else. Like whether Hillary had Vince Foster whacked so he wouldn't disclose what was in those "lost" Rose Law Firm billing records. (Look it up kids).

Not good for the look

Amanda Bynes. You know how its funny when the truant officer or the dog catcher slips on a banana peel and falls on his butt, but not when Tiny Tim or some infirm elderly lady does the exact same thing? Enter Amanda Bynes, once promising tween star, and current leader in the clubhouse in the Crazy Invitational. She's gone from promising Disney star, sitcom lead, and top billed movie actress, to sleeping in malls because her parents (who were put in charge of her estate due to Amanda's, um, you know, problems) won't spring for a hotel (which is odd because she has an apartment). The tabloids that previously were all over Britney's parking problems and Charlie Sheen's everything problems have switched in full force over to Amanda. The thing is though, Amanda Bynes was never some horrible, Joan Crawford-like bitch on wheels who made everyone's life a living hell and tough for her she deserves whatever she gets. She was just some kid with good looks and a lot of talent, who got pushed through the Disney "star machine" and suffered the predictable consequences. My God, does anyone come out of that even halfway not a human dumpster fire? Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus, Justin Timberlake's hair....When your parent sign your first Disney Channel contract, do they agree on your probation terms while they're at it? Sheesh!Anyway, its long past the point of this being anything other than an 25-car pileup on an icy interstate over Thanksgiving. Hopefully this woman can get some treatment and get back some semblance of a life.  

Mommy make the mean lady stop!

The Bieb. This guy...OMG!! He tweets from tub, he sends bodyguards to beat up journalists, he cuts lines at Disney in wheelchair, he strips live on CBS, he makes KKK jokes, he abandons his pet monkey in Germany (nice move, Ross from Friends, having a pet monkey in the first place), he says Anne Frank would have been a Belieber at the Anne Frank House (yeah, THAT Anne Frank). Lord. Its hard to believe some Tony Soprano-like character hasn't had this guy whacked just on general principle. No one should be this much of a douche. Its like at some point, his insufferableness will just collapse on itself like some neutron star and form a black hole, which, hopefully, will send him off to some other dimension. And yet, that's kind of the point. Does anyone NOT get it at this point? If we just kind of look the other way, won't he go back to whatever Axe Body Spray bottle he mutated out of? Why don't we try it?

LiLo-Funny how getting famous during childhood always leads to having a totally normal, balanced adult life. Signed, Judy Garland. Anyway, who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me...to ridicule? Oh sure, she had plenty of competition-the Kardashians, the Hiltons, Charlie Sheen, Bennifer. But for sustained excellence in the art of omnipresent scandal, LiLo is still the Queen of Scum. Drug romps, being a Sunset Strip peg-board and human petri dish, hanging out in clubs every night, -like behavior on set, smoking like a chimney (she has asthma), shoplifting, violating her contracts, squandering her real and considerable acting talent...she's the John Daly of Hollywood. LiLo's a multi-sport star: sex, divaism, drugs, rage, criminality, showing her junk in innumerable "leaked" photos, and physical recklessness. One can picture her and Macauley Culkin getting together years from now and speculating on what might have been. Actually, it would never happen because LiLo would be four hours late and Culkin would pass out on a grate somewhere before the meetup. Sad. And, exactly. Sad. When the Lindz still had some passable level of abilities-to act, to model, or even to be intriguing, making fun of her was entirely reasonable. Like any person with power who abuses it, she was fair game. Now, its like, "that's an interesting handbag, oh wait, its Lindsay Lohan." Time to look the other way. Maybe one day the thing inside her that's leading to all her escapades will finally release her. Like Amanda, one would hope it happens before its too late.


Still fair to hate: Gwynnie. I know, I know. America's Sweetheart? But...Goop. There's the REAL crime against humanity.  Goop raises the question "can we be 'consciously uncoupled' from Gwyneth, and if so, how soon can we do it?"

NEXT: the people who are SO OVER!