Moratorium (Part Two): I'm SO Over These People

Oprah

Ok, as mentioned previously, this installment lists some people who's time should have come and gone by now. So...maybe you could find something else to do with your time now? MmmKay thanks.

Oprah: I saw the Oprah show exactly once. She had Bill Murray, Billy Crystal, and Robin Williams as her guests, all at their creative peak (sometime in the late 1980s). They were hilarious, and she had the good sense largely to shut up and let them carry the show. So I really never "got" the cultlike following, particularly among women, to whom she became the Number One Authority. Or some sort of Pied Piper. You know, at some level, I do get it. Oprah created the formula that spawned countless imitations and recreations. Unlike everyone else on TV, she talked about real things, the way you might with your friends. She wasn't necessarily slick and polished, like a Johnny Carson. Nor did she have an act. She would talk to celebrities like they were best buds hanging out. And later she would find interesting but not necessarily well known people, with whom she would discuss interesting things that the mainstream shows ignored. In so doing, she went from TV show host to National Treasure. Her opinions moved the needle. If Oprah spoke favorably about a book, a movie, or a candidate, that was money in the bank. Conversely, get on her bad side, and you were entering a world of pain. How funny were those idiot ranchers in Amarillo who sued her for "disparagement" under some predictably ridiculous Texas law allowing them to sue anyone who says anything bad about meat. They tried to shake her down for $11 million when she said on TV, while interviewing some vegan activist (that sounds like a fun day at the old job) that she'd never eat meat again. Those idiots lost, of course.  She became the Queen of all media: magazines, movies, books, television. You couldn't escape her. She's everywhere! Even now, after giving up her daily show, she's still inescapable. And, she's SOOOOO much more awesome than you. Is there some quiet corner where you don't have to be bombarded with her total awesomeness for 20 minutes or so? I think not. And if nothing else, she still has to answer for giving Lt. Pete Mitchell a forum for his couch jumping, "I'm in love!!" act. C'mon honey. Even John Travolta and his coterie of male masseurs think you have a denial problem.  

Half of Brangelina

Angelina Jolie: Lara Croft-playing, international baby collecting, tattoo mural wearing, UNHCR busy body AJ. Lord, what are we gonna do with you? What a road you've traveled! You go from making out with a girl in Gia to making out with your brother and marrying Billy Bob Thornton (which is really so much less respectable than making out with your brother), to toting around a vial of Billy Bob's mediocre actor's blood, to ditching him and stealing America's Sweetheart Jennifer Aniston's husband, to apparently starting a Hollywood version of the Island of Misfit International Adoptions, to suddenly taking a hard U-turn towards respectability, then pre-emptively having a double mastectomy based on having a positive genetic cancer test. Oh, and showing up as number one on about 50,000 "hottest star" lists along the way. Just one of those things would make an entire life for most people. But not for Angie. She's still on every magazine cover. Still on about half my TV channels. There's no war zone or famine-stricken region of the world that she won't descend upon. Which I suppose is admirable in some way, but I'm just so sick of her. I never thought I'd say it, but even Angelina Jolie levels of hot can get old after awhile. 

Bill Clinton: OK, this guy has got to go. We expect our ex-Presidents to become Elder Statesman.

The Prez

Stay above the fray. Do good deeds. Write your memoirs. Play golf. Show up at other ex-Prwsidenta' funerals. Raise money for charity (to be sure, the Bill has done this, between lucrative speaking engagements and self-aggrandizing political speeches). I guess the problem is we elected Bill Clinton as President at a much younger age than the usual President. So he's got more post-White House years to slog through than most former Presidents. And I suppose there's only so much golf and so many Waffle House waitresses you can endure before you want to get out there and do what you do best. No, not eating pork rinds (President Clinton admirably has gotten in fantastic physical shape, with all his spare time, thereby depriving us of all the midnight donut jokes that we forgot about once Monica came along). Politics! Ex-Presidents normally stay "above the fray," which in Clinton's case means "down in the mud." When he's not calling South Carolina primary voters a bunch of morons for not supporting his wife's 2008 candidacy, to picking fights with his party's eventual nominee, to treating this second Hillary candidacy like his own shot at a third term, don't you think its about time Bill took a rest? I admire his fundraising work with Bush 41. But otherwise, how about being an old soldier and just fading away? Its not 1992 anymore. Enjoy all that White House china you stole and let someone else have a shot.

Beyoncé: "you go girl" ism found its champion in this Fierce lady! Maybe they haven't heard of her in Togo. Or one of those atolls in the Pacific where we used to test atomic bombs back in the 1950s. But everywhere else it's all Beyoncé all the time. I mean EVERYWHERE else. I have to confess...I don't get the Beyoncé thing. She has a weak voice, sings atrocious songs, and was only the second hottest member of Destiny's Child. Here's some lyrics from her big hit, Single Ladies:  "got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips/ Hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans/Acting up, drink in my cup/I could care less what you think." This isn't exactly Gershwin here. Or Lennon-McCartney. Yeah, yeah, I know, "you kids get off my yard!" But, let's face it, Beyoncé is popular because she's hot. She dances and prances. And because she married Jay-Z (thereby making Gwynnie her number one fan). I suppose that works for awhile. But cut to Madonna trying to do the same skimpy leather dancing thing at age 70 or however old she is now. That can only play for so long. Then again, I guess after Beyoncé has earned a billion or two, she may not really care what happens when she's over 40. Kind of like I don't care what happens when she's 33.

Taylor Swift: What do you call an upside down broom? "Taylor Swift." She is everywhere though. Is it legal to have an awards show and not give something to Taylor Swift? And, how exactly did she even become famous in the first place? Its like I looked up one day and she and her blonde bangs were everywhere. Apparently she sings what passes for country music these days, specializing in tales of heartbreak. Largely brought about from the long, long list of men who, despite her looks, talent, fame, and money, quickly conclude they want nothing to do with her. Hell, even awful Katherine Heigl can keep a man. What's up with you, T? If she couldn't write about breakups by terrible men, would she have ANY songs? How crazy is she?And props to Michael J. Fox for calling her out. When that guy can nail you, you know you've crossed a line. Ultimately, Conan O'Brian called his shot, with his hilarious "22" response video. Watching this awesome take down of unwarranted privilege, if you haven't seen it, will make your day.

Neil Patrick Harris: I've kind of run out of steam at this point, so NPH gets off the hook. Suffice to say, it would be great if one awards show, anywhere, could proceed in his absence.

NOT Over:

Katy Perry: Yeah. Still a #bigfan. The more Katy Perry, the better.

Next: Let's Get Real