Tonight on Downton Abbey

Downton Abbey, universal gift to culture, comes on Sunday nights these days so you might miss it. Let me save you the trouble, by summarizing every episode ever made.

Oh, and SPOILER ALERT!!

Robert is appalled at some glacially slow liberalization in society. Like women voting. Or peasants speaking to their masters.

Lady Grantham, getting her tan
in the English rain

Cora is super bland and indistinguishable from the furniture. 

Mary jumps from bed to bed and is a total bitch when not gazing at her mirror and asking "who's the fairest of them all."

Gillingham and Blake compete to woo Mary, by all appearances, by trying to outpolite one another. Mary is not impressed. Then she is. For a bit. Then she's not. Uh, wait, then she is. Then she's not.

Edith is sullen and depressed over yet another personal disaster (about which Mary twists the knife). 

 

Sybil (before dying, obvs) vowed to "show them" by doing the opposite of what was "expected of her", like, marrying the lamest IRA terrorist of all time.

Tom, said lamest IRA terrorist of all time, feels out of place, probs because he's a socialist "compelled" to live with the richey rich. Sounds like a straight to video Adam Sandler movie.

How dare you insinuate I am not virtuous!
And can you come by my room later?

Rose, the Oliver from Brady Bunch of the show, works on her cute looks and Marie Antoinettes her way through each episode finding socially inappropriate suitors (Jews! Blacks! Men who don't belong to a suitable London club!)

Isobel Crawley just knows the Idiot of the Episode can succeed if given a fighting chance and oh by the way knows you're doing everything wrong and shows you the proper way.

The Dowager Countess drops sick burns on foolz, drops the mike, and exits the stage. When not trying to run everyone's lives (more skillfully than Isobel).

Mr. Carson grumbles about the changing times in which non-aristocrats can go to school. Or pick their own job. Though he expresses a firm opposition to slavery, which, you know, is pretty modern of him.

Mrs. Hughes keeps everyone's secrets, like why we've never heard about her husband even though she's a "Mrs."

There's nothing simpler than avoiding one's enemies. Avoiding one's friends, that's the real test

Daisy, Bates, and Anna continue their epic struggle to win the Most Boring Character of the 1920s award. Previous winners include Alfred, Ivy, and Jimmy (title jointly held).

Molesley, the Lady Edith of the downstairs bunch, bumbles along through the day, always topping last week's life failure with the next.

May I see you to bed, M'Lord?

Thomas vows to extract vengeance on everyone for some imagined slight, but only concocts the most feeble plots ever. And thinks up ways not to be gay.

Mrs. O'Brien works to solidify her working trash Lady Macbeth image.

Mrs. Patmore screams at Daisy basically for being Daisy.

There you go. Save the space on your DVR.