Jazz Fest Like A Local: Seven Survival Secrets

Here's a totally plagiarized post, from gonola.com. Pretty much everything here is spot on. Though I don't think they stress the severity of the heat enough. You must, must, must drink water. A hat would help too if you don't go for sunblock. Seen plenty of human carnage at the Festival. Too much fun, too much sun. Other than that, enjoy! I should do my own Jazz Fest preview next week, and as long-time readers know, I'll blog each night from the final weekend of the Festival.

Original article:

If you’re coming to New Orleans for the annual Jazz and Heritage Festival and looking for tips from locals, you’ve come to the right place for advice. I’ve been festin’ my whole life, at least as long as I can remember. Jazz Fest, to locals, is a celebration not just of music but of everything we are: food, music, art, culture, history – it’s a celebration of life. And you know that we know how to celebrate.


Now, it’s easy to over-celebrate in this city (if you catch my drift) and being prepared is always important. Here are a few key things I think you’ll need to know in order to survive Jazz Fest.

1. First thing’s first: Let’s get a drink. In my personal opinion, beer is the best thing to drink during a festival (that and water) but you can also get wine and frozen daiquiris. If you’re looking for something a little less alcoholic (and by that I mean alcohol-free) try the herbal teas. You can also bring a water bottle to fill at the public water stations but make sure it’s empty when you come in.

2. And second, some food. There is more food at Jazz Fest than you can physically ingest in one weekend, so knowing what you want is important. I don’t like to wait in lines typically but there are some foods at Jazz Fest worth the wait. I recommend anything with our fresh Louisiana Seafood, especially the Crawfish Monica and the Crawfish pies. Check out the rest of GoNOLA’s top picks for Jazz Fest foods.

Hat: check. Water bottle: check. Comfortable shoes: check. Loose clothes: Check. Professional fester: check. (Photo from Flickr by Kaarin T)

3. Weather is unpredictable. New Orleans is hot. There is no use trying to beat around this bush, but in case you didn’t know, the South can get quite warm in late April and early May. Because of this, I recommend wearing loose fitting, comfortable clothing. And sunblock; lots of sunblock.

3A. It’s also been known to rain down here from time to time so I recommend bringing a rain coat, one that will actually help keep you from getting soaked. Here’s a tip: in the inside pocket of your rain coat bring a Ziplock bag with rice. If it starts to rain, you can throw that smart phone of yours in there and keep it from getting destroyed.

4. Comfort is key at Jazz Fest. Like I said, it has been known to get a little warm here so wear clothing that gives you a little groovin’ room and some airflow. And, keep in mind that you’re walking around a track which means a mix of dirt, mud, sand and grass. Wear shoes that you won’t mind getting dirty and will be comfortable to walk around in all day.

5. Entering the crowds. Some of the stages, especially for the major headliners, will fill up with a crowd quickly. If you’re looking to meet someone who’s in the thick of the crowd at either the Gentilly or Acura stages, it will be easier for you to enter from the track side than from the back or the grass side. Trust me, I’ve been doing this a while. Just apologize a lot.

6. Live music recordings. Like what you hear? Some of the artists who play during Jazz Fest will have live recordings available for purchase after their shows. You can see which artists are recording and order in advance (you can also order past shows) at the Jazz Fest Live Festivals Recording tent between the Heritage and Acura stages.

7. Your bag. This might be the most important advice I can give to a festival newbie: if you bring a bag, make sure you’re prepared with important essentials. Here’s what you should absolutely have with you: toilet paper, hand sanitizer, sun glasses, coozie, wallet (with an ID and cash!), towel/blanket to sit on and a rain coat.

Hope this information helps get you through your first Jazz Fest and if you have any questions while you’re in town you can always find us on Facebook or Tweet us! [CR: hit the link above for the original story].

Your Vocabulary Spring Cleaning

But think what you're trying to accomplish. Just think what you're dealing with.

The majesty and grandeur of the English language....It's the greatest possession we have. The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative and musical mixtures of sounds.

And that's what you've set yourself out to conquer, Eliza. And conquer it you will.

--Prof. Henry Higgins, My Fair Lady

If Higgins thought Eliza was a hopeless guttersnipe, its a good thing he never met Emmitt Smith. Or Joe Biden. Or George W. Bush. Yikes!

By the way, I think I'm becoming Henry Higgins. Just throwing that out there. Wears suits. Lives alone. Looks down on everyone. Likes to play dress up with Audrey Hepburn. Gulp. 

As I've written many times, I love all of you, but most of you are idiots. Is it too much to ask that you properly speak or write the English language? I'm not talking about immigrants who have to spend years learning English to learn the difference between "there" and "their" or master the fifty some-odd meanings of "set." I'm talking about people born in the United States who theoretically have been speaking English their entire lives.

Higgins was right. How we speak immediately sets us apart from others. Those who use proper grammar and vocabulary seem much more intelligent and accomplished than those who don't, even if they're really as dumb as a post. Why do the English seem so much smarter than we do? Surely not for any recent national achievements; their pitiful little island can boast only of hospital infection, banking fraud, and aristocratic malaise. They just invited a dead guy to play the Olympic opening ceremonies. No, its because generally they use a much richer and wider vocabulary and they write and speak in complete sentences. Oh, and they spell some words more foppishly than we do--"honourable." From what I can tell, the Scots don't sound more intelligent, at least, based on the snippets I can actually understand. That brogue makes them sound either possessed or like they're in the middle of a Thorazine binge. British schools teach students how to use the English language, so the Brits generally are more literate and articulate than Americans. Not like that's hard to accomplish; the average American yayhoo generally knows just enough to order a Bud Light at Hooter's and talk about how awesome Idol was last night. Think Peter Griffin. You can try dressing expensively and using the finest manners, but if you speak (or write) like you just auditioned for Jersey Shore, no one will take you seriously.

Higgins seemed to focus on pronunciation; we never saw him teaching Eliza grammar. Hence the awkward Ascot scene: "But its my belief they done the old woman in." But pronunciation is just a minor facet of communication. Using the language properly, both in conversation and in writing, truly marks an educated, intelligent person. Well, that and not being an idiot. Yet all around us, people engage in "cold blooded murder of the English tongue." Statistics and anecdotal evidence also suggest our educational system's decline. This is no coincidence. I routinely read briefs and pleadings authored by attorneys, each of whom (presumably) graduated not only from an American university but a law school, and somehow managed to pass at least one state's bar exam. For the most part, its like reading second grade book reports. Or an English translation of a document originally written in some other language, translated by someone who learned English three years ago: "The judge he do wrong when he passing on judgment court. He it face the principle wrong. He it confuse laws with not laws, and mistake right case where maximum wrong case. He should go down. Client are best party to win big case." You think I'm joking, but that's not too different than the spew I must read, every day.

Happily, as usual, I'm here to help. I can't really cure most of your deficiencies here. Many of you need to just start from scratch and go back to school with Thornton Mellon. Hey at least you and Sally Kellerman can practice your Triple Lindy.


But for the others, I've compiled a list of words and expressions that you should excise from daily use. If not for your sake, at least for the poor victims who must listen to you speak. You need to keep these out of your mouth entirely. Using these words and phrases immediately marks you as a rube.


Some of these phrases may originally had some value, but overuse has made them as stale and tired as your bell-bottom jeans. Or Chris Berman. Or watching your weight.  Like your wardrobe or your shrubs, you need to prune these archaic sayings from your vocabulary to avoid sounding like the proverbial 55 year old guy in a red Corvette, clinging desperately to whatever trappings of youth he can muster while cruising for twenty-somethings.  I don't have a Corvette. Groovy, baby! There's far more of these dead phrases than I cover here; these include only the ones I still hear people using. Oh, and, note...if you're completely cool and sophisticated, you can occasionally use these phrases ironically. Wit always plays.


The others are just stupid and ridiculous and have no place in the English language or decent society. I know Shakespeare used to make up words when it suited him, but you're not Shakespeare. You ride your couch eating Lunchables and cool ranch Doritos, and watching Dancing With the Stars while your kids try to make punch in the toilet bowl. Utter these phrases and you reveal your ineptitude to the world.

Extinct Phrases:

To be "down with" something. That is so "40 year old guy hanging on to youth by a fingernail."
Whassup?!?! It was an AD, people.
Bro! No. What, do you still wear your "Fiji Rush, 1988" t-shirt?
Retarded. This is how Lindsay Lohan speaks. Rule of thumb: do the opposite of LiLo.
Lightweight. Ok, Spuds McKenzie, have another brewski then.
Its all good. Hey, call me when you get back from Puff Daddy's "White Party" or text me while you're there.
True that! Put down your bandanna and your eight gold chains, Kip, and go help Napoleon feed the llama.
Just sayin'  Douche. I'm just sayin'.
Win-win, outside the box, outside the lines, holistic (or any other "consultant speak.") Speak English, freaks. And do something about your dandruff.
Chilling, chillaxing. See the next entry.
Anything that sounds like you're hanging out with Snoop Dogg (usually involves two z's in a row or a "z" substituting for an "s"). It makes you sound like the 'Nard Dog.
Crib (as a house). Are you on Jersey Shore? Ok, then.
Yo. Not unless you're on your way to Six Flags for the New Kids on the Block/Hansons concert.
Any shortened word, e.g. "whatevs" "obvi" "cray" You don't have enough time or energy to say the whole word? Really? Its that difficult? Laz.
That's what I'm talkin' about! Yeah, I know. I'm listening to you. Unfortunately.
Surfing the web. Your grandmother does it now. Lost its cachet.

Always was pointless:

Know what I mean/know what I'm saying? Yeah. I do. I speak English too. Better than, well, you apparently.
Irregardless. "Regardless" means "notwithstanding" or "despite" already. Putting "ir" in front of it adds nothing except redundancy. And makes you sound like an Alabama catfish shack waitress trying to talk all fancy.
At the end of the day. You mean, "at night"? Or at 5:00 when everyone leaves work? What does this mean anyway? If it means after considering all points you have reached a conclusion, just say your conclusion.
It is what it is. This confuses Bill Clinton, who doesn't know what the meaning of "is" is. Aside from that, its pointless to try to define something as itself. For example, I don't think Webster's defines "house" as..."house" Yes, indeed, Ayn Rand, "it" is what "it" is. That's a big help.
I personally.  Aside from the fact that anyone who says this immediately puts themselves on par with Miss South Carolina, "personally" is redundant. Either "I" did or thought it, or someone else did. No reason to add "personally."
With all due respect/no offense but. "Excuse me Mr. Davis, Irony is on line 3." All "no offense but" means is you're going to now say something offensive, even though you kind of sort of wish you weren't, but not enough not to stop.
Their/they're/your/you're. Maybe its a twitter or facebook thing. I know most of you can't spell to save your lives, but how do any of you go through life not knowing the difference between these words? Do I really need to go over this, Billy Madison? Please learn to speak the English language properly. At least as well as a first grader.
You know. Yeah, I do know. So you don't need to say it.
Turning nouns into verbs, e.g. "efforting" or "officing" or "Tebowing." See word shortening, above.
Verb sagas, e.g. "act" becomes "to take action on" or "analyze" becomes "to perform an analysis of." Unless you're getting paid by the word, or you're a 14 year old kid who has to do a 500 word book report, please don't convert verbs into their own story.
Yeah, no.... Ok, we get it, you don't know what to say next. You're stalling for time. Just try not to say a word, and then the exact opposite of that word, to cover your mind cramp. Its like "uh, soccer...fun." You sound like you're on Password.
Good stuff! I think this is a sports talk radio thing. When the host has run out of things to say. He'll just exclaim "good stuff" in response to a point someone has just made or to a call or guest, as if expressing general approval of the situation. Hey, for fun, use it as a pickup line and see how that works.
Times. Used as an instruction: "take the number of people, and times them by the number of plates, and that's how much it will cost." The word you're looking for is "multiply," people.
Few vs. less. If you're referring to a quantity or number, use the word "few." "There are fewer people on the boat than the train." When you're referring to a concept or condition, its "less." "Mark is far less trustworthy than Steve." Almost no one gets this right, but its like scratching a chalkboard to hear it otherwise.


There's a third category--words and phrases that have admittedly outlived their reasonable life span, but are so strong you can still use them every now and then, say once a month. Or you can use them ironically.

Once a month only phrases:

_____ is calling and he/she/it wants his/her/its __________ back. Used to death but its brilliant.
That's what she said. I don't care who you are, that's still funny. If you don't think that's funny, that's a "you" problem.
Beam me up. Funny for about three months in 1978. Not so much now, except to ridicule dorks. Who, most likely, will earn more money than you by five years from now. So punch while you still can.
That's what your mother told me last night in bed. Thank you Darrell Hammond.
You are so money. Swingers. Overused but awesome.

NEXT-either the joys of Louisiana.

W. Axl Rose and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Ordinarily I would write some extended diatribe about Mr. Rose and his decision to reject his induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I'd address the important issues, like what the hell does the "W" stand for anyway, and why does the front man for a rock band need a name that's part mulleted Florida meth lab owner and part corporate attorney? (I guess I could have just said "Florida meth lab owner"). Or why does the world need Kid Rock as long as W. Axl is still alive? But it would take awhile, and by the time I finished it everyone will have gone back to forgetting there ever was a band called Guns and Roses, or as I think of them, Motley Crue with less spandex and slightly less Dallas Hair.

So I'll just say a couple of things. When the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame first came into existence, I was highly skeptical. My objections were along the lines of "rock isn't something in a museum, rock is out in the streets, its in your heart. Its about fighting the power, not charging an admission price." Adolescent idealism.

But as rock and roll's musical pre-eminence has given way to country and rap, and after having visited the actual Hall of Fame, I've done a 180 (which I'm sure prompts the Hall executives to breathe a big sigh of relief). The Hall of Fame does a great job of promoting the legacy and ongoing vitality of rock and roll, with concerts (including the annual induction ceremony concerts), exhibits, programs, and other outreach. It contains incredible artifacts that would otherwise never be seen. Off the top of my head, I can think of the actual Sgt. Pepper uniform John Lennon wore on the cover, part of "The Wall" from the original 1979 Pink Floyd concerts, Pete Townshend's original notes of the lyrics for Pinball Wizard, Hendrix's original notes for the Purple Haze lyrics, Roger Daltry's leather fringe outfit from the Tommy tour, and countless guitars, costumes, equipement, etc. All of which is totally cool. The exhibits do a great job of explaining the different musical styles of various performers, and identifying not only their influences but those who influenced them. The Hall keeps flying the "freak flag," at a time when fewer and fewer people even realize musicians are still playing rock and roll. So I'm fine with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Amazingly, I couldn't find the John Mayer exhibit. Go figure.

Sidebar-weirdest "guest appearance" I've ever seen at a concert? Slash playing in roughly half of Carole King's performance at the 1991 New Orleans Jazz Festival. Right, that Slash, and that Carole King.

Though the Hall did take a backwards step when they voted in Guns and Roses in the first place. What's the matter? Whitesnake wasn't available? Deep Purple had other plans that weekend? .38 Special? Hell, Cheap Trick has a more valid claim to Hall of Fame membership than GNR. But that's just a matter of taste, or lack thereof.

But perhaps more importantly, through the years, all the bad ass, anti-establishment rebel types to have been elected ultimately accepted the honor:   Keith Richards, the Ramones, the Stooges, Sabbath, the Clash, Johnny Cash, CSN, Neil, Bob, Santana, U2, Ike and Tina, Lou Reed..they're all in. So if they're cool with it, who is anyone to judge?

If you want to make some sort of statement about the Hall being just a commercial enterprise that debases music and art, or some sort of eye-rolling sentiment like that, well I could kind of understand rejecting the invitation.  Of course, that would be ridiculous coming from rock stars. These are people who've made money hand over fist for big record companies and in most cases lived materialistic and even hedonistic lifestyles most of us could hardly fathom. And, let's get real, like all these guys picked up a guitar just to express some profound artistic feeling deep within them? Not for the chicks? Right. Think Nigel Tufnail from Spinal Tap, and his "Mach" piece (a cross between Mozart and Bach..."Lick My Love Pump").

Though I could still see Axl's move as a principled gesture, kind of. If he was sober at the time.

But then, not being able to get out of his own way, W. Axl releases a "statement" (is anything less rock and roll than "releasing a statement"? Jimmy Page never released a statement). Said statement resembles a cross between an attorney's demand letter and something you'd put in an envelope next to your old lady's telephone to explain why you're splitting in the middle of the night (in her Pontiac, and after cleaning out her checking account while you're at it). As best I can decipher Axl's "statement," ("gibberish" would have more accurately captured the writing style) he can't stand his old band mates and he thinks its best just to "move on." Move on to what? More gigs at the Hooter's Casino (just a few short blocks off the Strip) with his reconstituted GNR, which is really just him and a bunch of hired stiffs? Three or four rehab stints per year, alternating with community service? Ah, the glorious Rock and Roll Lifestyle.

Translation, W. Axl will get far more publicity by rejecting induction than by accepting it. More Indian Casino and Branson, Missouri gigs for the whole gang. David Lee Roth even thinks you're pathetic.

Bottom line: everyone else I listed above has way more street cred than Axl Rose could even dream of having. They're in the Hall, while he's got to buy a ticket to get in. Punk ass bitch.

OK, it was a diatribe after all. Just not extended.

Next-sunshine, rainbows, lollipops, cotton candy, sugar, spice, and everything nice. And all the words you need to stop using now.

More Great Moments in Writing: "New Girl" Lists

Don't get too excited. I'm pretty much mailing in this post. Just like every post-1990 Aretha Franklin concert. Here's something I watch on TV. Like a book report, except its a TV report. Not my finest moment. Nothing to compare to my other riveting pieces on Star Trek, or Dirty Dancing, or Top Gun.  You know, the classics.

I've been watching New Girl on Fox, a "vehicle" for Zooey Deschanel to cash in on her "she's not smokin' hot beautiful but she's awful cute and quirky so guys will like her but she won't intimidate women and oh yeah she would never cheat on her husband like Meg Ryan did with Russell Crowe that one time" personality. I'm not particularly proud of that. Something tells me the typical New Girl viewer is a 25 year old woman who works part time at Starbucks while she finishes her Teach for America internship, and whose activities include yoga, writing in her journal and wearing her one totally awesome cocktail dress and these really cute and sparkly heels she bought that one time at Nordstrom's with her employee discount to meet her nine best girlfriends EVER at Wild Ginger every other Saturday night for cocktails and dinner and who got hooked on New Girl because it comes on after Glee. You know, pretty much exactly like me.

Plenty of others have reviewed this show so I won't go into much detail about the show itself. Its basically the girl version of Three's Company. Instead of funny good guy Jack living with two women and having wacky escapades, its cute, young, and sort of funny girl Jess living with three men and having wacky escapades. But the show features especially strong, witty writing. Oh, and here's one little review/detail. Like 30 Rock, the show runners obviously think "slow" is death to comedy. Each show has a lot of dialogue, and they don't wait around after each joke to allow time for the viewers to get the joke. If you're not paying attention and smart enough, you're not going to get most of the jokes.

Anyway, here's the only point I wanted to make. New Girl features a lot of "list" jokes. That's what I call jokes that really are just a list of funny things (or even just non-funny things made funny by repetition). People like lists; how often have you clicked on an article titled something like "5 top ways to lose your disgusting belly fat" or "10 best ways to destroy your arch nemesis"? Its a plot device that goes way back, much further than Letterman's Top 10 lists. Think of the Monty Python cheese shop sketch, which is really nothing more than just listing different types of cheese, or  to some extent the Marx Brothers' contract scene, to El Presidente's inauguration speech in Bananas ("all children under 16 years old, are now 16 years old").  Even as old as Much Ado About Nothing, where the idiot sheriff Dogberry tries to list all the crimes of two of Don Pedro's men (and each item on the list was basically the same thing). New Girl's lists are really well written.

New Girl's most recent list was middle school teacher Jess' list of "Alternatives to Intercourse," put on the blackboard as part of her sex education class. No character commented on the list during the episode. Definitely sounds like dates I've had. Lots and lots of my dates....

Get to know a neighbor
Tick/lice check
Change your e-mail password
Look at pics of STDs
Write a convict
Meet a friend for decaf
Watch Friday Night Lights

Schmidt is another character, one of the guys living with Jess. He's the uber douchebag; the gang even keeps a jar into which Schmidt must deposit money when he commits some act of douchery. Anyway, the gang found his 2007 New Year's resolutions, and read them aloud to much delight:

Everything is easy when you are a battleship invading the bay of success
Stop pursuing Caroline. She's Nick's girl. Deal with it.
Begin the search for the cocoon that will one day release your butterfly.
Find out where Winston gets his sparkle, and then steal it.
Only think about hot new CFO every OTHER time I masturbate.
Start floating the idea that people call me Mr. Finish/Game Time Jones/The Hook-Up-Erator
Just pick a color of Crocs and buy them already.

In that same vein, one episode concluded with Schmidt just riffing:

Has anyone seen my good pea coat?
Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?
Nick, I came up with the best name for an uncircumcised penis: bishop in a turtleneck.
Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!
Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!?
Winston.. did you know that N.W.A. didn’t stand for “never walk alone" ???
Jess I just found a Groupon for hypnosis lessons. Think about what you could do with that. Sex stuff.
Have you seen my shark skin laptop sleeve?
Darn it. Has anyone seen my croquet cleats?
Hey Jess, have you seen my other timepiece?

There's a pretty funny list of chores on the refrigerator, but I can't seem to find it. Will add it later if I do.

OK. That is all.

SXSW 2012-Feel The Love

If you got to this point by googling "SXSW" or something along those lines, hoping to find some live, first-hand accounts about the bands and the scene and so forth... this isn't that place. Go ahead and resume downloading choice bootleg Government Mule tracks or whatever it is you do in your spare time.

No, this isn't that place indeed. Long time Affirmers (you three know who you are) should well know how I feel about South by Southwest.  Now, brace yourself, but, shockingly, my views on the subject are negative. I think in all the years I've lived here, I've seen exactly one band during SXSW (New Orleans' own Dash Rip Rock, at Cheapo Records a couple of years ago, what up?).

But this isn't the time for me to bear that cross again. SXSW has done quite well without me, and I've done ok without it. Like most of my ex-girlfriends, I pretend it doesn't exist even as I wish that it were fundamentally different enough to enjoy.

No, caught up in the rapture of watching that merry band of future assistant coaches known as the Duke men's basketball team drop their first round game to the Lehigh Businessmen or Land Sharks or whatever the hell they are, I thought I'd update you about this year's festival from a non-participant's viewpoint.

It sucks.

Nuff said. I know the neck tattooed, nose pierced throngs may find this hard to believe, but Austin is filled with people who need to travel back and forth to their jobs every day. Even during SXSW. Oblivious to that economic fact, the rabble ooze across block after downtown block like an aimless, witless, drunken, unemployed Occupy gathering (or, an Occupy gathering), these people have pretty much succeeded in shutting down access to downtown and with it carrying on all that stuff that we do in offices every day.

So here's some observations about this year's fest versus prior years.

It seems like the pedestrians are much more aggressive and squirrel-like. For those who may not be familiar with the format, SXSW doesn't happen in just one centralized spot. Rather, bands appear in various clubs, bars, restaurants, parking lots, alleyways and open spaces all over the city. True, most of it centers in the downtown area, but the somewhat disparate locations require festival goers to spend a good part of their time getting from place to place to place. And they do so by any means necessary: walking, cabs, cars, "pedicabs," city bus, bikes, U-boats...you name it. The problem is that there's so many people on foot they can tend to spill out into the streets, and at the same time people in cars are trying to drive on said streets. I've noticed this year it seems especially like people aren't waiting for lights to change before crossing the street. They're just blithely walking in the streets like they were extensions of the sidewalk. They're darting in front of cars. You name it. Now, this is annoying as hell for people like me trying to drive to and from their offices. But the real problem here is the danger this poses for the festival goers. Its not always a certainty that every motorist will always see every pedestrian. The more chances these people take, the more likely that an accident will happen. It just seems like its getting more and more dangerous.

The complicating factor is that, thanks to the city's renowned urban planning and transportation plan, which is to say, zilch, most of downtown and the South Congress area resembles IH-10 out of Houston during the Hurricane Rita evacuation. A big sprawling line of cars idling, unable to do much of anything but inch along due to the traffic. Good job of planning for all these crowds, Austin. You people have really outdone yourself. SXSW is turning into one of those deals where its so crowded no one goes there anymore. Traffic can't move, parking is non-existent, buses are unreliable and get caught up in that mess...its just one gigantic cluster.... I'm all fine with having a big city festival that brings in lots of tourists who spend their money and have a good time, but SXSW really exposes the utter lack of any coherent local transportation infrastructure. We have a fantastically expensive train that runs, largely empty, between Cedar Park (the kind of place where you have a very full choice of taxidermists) and the Austin Convention Center (home to about 500 computer industry-related conventions a year...lots of guys in short sleeve dress shirts away from home for one weekend of the year, they like to eat BBQ and play golf, wild men). We have a huge bus fleet that runs mostly empty all day, everywhere in town. But unfortunately, much of Austin's office space and its bars and other hot spots finds itself in the same location. Austin has tried to create a kind of "livable downtown" area, promoting condo and loft development downtown. But it didn't think about how thousands of people would move in and around that area during events like SXSW, or the Republic of Texas motorcycle rally, which also brings downtown to a standstill.

It seems like there's a lot more people than previous years. So much for the recession.  The whole enterprise also seems more commercialized. Every corner has some company that's established an advertising beachhead, luring in prospective customers. One company even brought a camel. That's right, an actual camel, from the desert, for people to sit on and have their picture made. Cars entirely covered with company logos ride all through the area, advertising for Chevrolet, or this or that computer company. Its fine by me, but its interesting that Politically Sensitive Austin sees this crass commercialism influx. Surprised not to have seen beer or Red Bull girls. I guess that would have been oppressive.

Oh, and I noticed Amanda Shaw isn't playing here. How can that be? Since, she's...so...awesome and everything.

I guess that's pretty much it. You folks have a good time. Try not to get run over by a camel.

Herman Little

Last weekend we lost a very fine man, and an excellent lawyer. I hope you will join me at some point to celebrate the memory of Herman Little, and say a prayer for his family.

Mr. Little was the type of man whom you rarely encounter any more-a true gentleman. Certainly he was an accomplished, excellent lawyer, practicing in the field of municipal corporations and municipal utility districts law. Beyond that, he was a stalwart family man, married to Molly Little for 46 years, with whom he raised two sometimes challenging but overall devoted and responsible daughters. He eventually was fortunate to have two sons-in-law and several grandchildren. He served as a Marine officer in Vietnam, and also served as an Assistant Attorney General in Texas. He also was a deeply committed Christian, and actively served our Kingwood church in many capacities. You can read his obituary here.

Mr. Little was a tremendous friend to me and my family over many years. He frequently and tirelessly helped my mother in all of her various church endeavors, such as running the Vacation Bible School, teaching Sunday School, leading the Mother's Day Out program, and coordinating the various "greeters" on Sundays. Mom frequently remarked how much she loved him and especially his sense of humor. Mr. Little gave an initial impression of a quiet, reserved, and almost severe personality, hardly consistent with a sense of humor of any kind. But with my mother and many others, he was witty, engaging, encouraging, supportive and compassionate. Mom had the utmost respect and love for him, which stood out from the love she had for so many others.

For my part, I got to know him through church and through his oldest daughter. He seemed to take interest in me for many reasons, including my mom, the fact that we were both lawyers, we both went to the University of Texas Law School, and had both worked for the Attorney General. Mr. Little was always encouraging of me and my career, which has often been quite challenging. He always took great interest in my situation and frequently offered his thoughts. Only late last year, he sought me out at an Austin seminar and asked many questions about my practice and my life. When Mom passed away, he and Molly were quite generous in their support and compassion.

I always wanted to be more like Mr. Little. A lot more. He was grounded like a rock, in his family, his faith, his devotion to friends, and to his legal practice. Though his girls could test his patience, he remained steadfast and confident in their ultimately finding their way. He was an outstanding lawyer. He could seem reserved and unemotional, yet those who knew him best expressed unlimited love and devotion for him, which is not what happens when one truly keeps oneself hidden from others. He was clever, intelligent, and true. Never the life of the party, but always the man you could count on. I'd must rather be the latter than the former.

The last time I saw him, he seemed much younger than 67. He appeared fit, energetic, and enthusiastic. He and Molly had recently built a home in Boerne, and he was transitioning into that new phase of his life. So his passing surprised me, as I think it did others.

So, another of the truly great gentlemen has gone home. We see fewer and fewer of them.  I and many others were blessed to know him.

Message From Home

The sun hasn’t set on my dream of having someone who will mow my yard for free, err, a precious angel son or daughter sent from Heaven. But while it may not be sunset, it’s still around 4:30 in the afternoon. All the super-awesome knowledge I’ve amassed through these long years, which I’ve waited patiently to impart to a loving, eager-to-learn, well-behaved child, is just going to waste at this point.  Sad. All the cool and important things I can teach the young, like how to make a playground rival cry, or how to get women to ignore you, all are in peril of dying with me.

So as an exercise, more than anything else, and prompted by the oncoming 30 year reunion of my high school class, I thought I’d instead teach my own self. My kid self, the boy who roughly 30 years ago was staring down the barrel of going to Humble High School (Go Wildcats!) every day for the next year (til we all went over to Kingwood for the next three years). Yeah, it makes no sense, but I thought I’d just write myself a letter, kind of like in the old Sinatra song, only to myself in 1979. The idiotic, naïve, angry young 8^th grader getting ready to go to high school. I realize that’s a little impractical. Still, if Dennis Quaid can get on the radio with his son in the future, surely I can write a letter to my past self. Kind of like this:

Dear Chris:

Hello from 2012. Yeah, that’s right, Future Chris needs to have a word.

Now, I haven’t exactly figured out how you'll access the internet. Especially when you can barely work a cassette deck, but I have faith. Some faith.  Let's call this an electronic message in a bottle, dropped into the time-space continuum. Actually that's the space-time continuum, according to Star Trek.

With that essentially non-relevant practicality out of the way, I shall come to the matter at hand. You, sir, are pretty much hopeless.  At least at this point. Sorry, but I feel like I can level with you. You won’t listen to anyone, you think you know it all (or no one around you can teach you anything), you think you’re better than just about anyone else but can’t grasp why no one seems to recognize that, you basically ignore people, and you pretty much can’t wait to get out of school and leave Kingwood and your family in the dust. Driving something cool, like a Trans Am. What's amazing is that anyone will have anything to do with you. At all.

Ugh.

Having now successfully ruined your confidence, I have some good news. Believe it or not, in spite of yourself, you will manage to make your way in a relatively comfortable manner to 2012. What happens beyond that, I can’t help you with. Just have a little faith.

The good news, in a sense, is that you're pretty much grown up. Oh, you've got a lot to learn. A lot. But your basic personality, tastes, and beliefs are pretty much set (God help us). From here on out, its more a matter of polishing than chiseling. Working on the presentation more than the content. Adding as much Cary Grant to the mix as you'll take, and wiping out equal amounts of Don Rickels. So hope you like the Eagles and Journey and Van Halen. Because you're going to be listening to that stuff all your life. Whether you like it or not. Cause the Baby Boomers won't ever let you get away from it. Change becomes harder and harder the older you get. Once you get caught up in acquiring stuff and supporting yourself in a manner consistent with your tastes, however questionable, it becomes difficult to pick up stakes and try something new, or become a different person. On the other hand, you do change just by becoming older. Some of those changes are welcome: you care less and less what others think about you, for example. Some aren't so great. Like finding it difficult to hear what anyone's saying. Actually that one's a plus too.

Notwithstanding that, you need to know some things that might smooth the ride just a bit. I won’t give away everything. Most of the fun in life is not knowing what happens next.

Though I will give up a few things. Take every red cent you can get your hands on, legally or otherwise, and buy as much stock in a company called “Microsoft” as you possibly can.  You’ll go a whole lot farther if you spend even a little less time concentrating on girls. The weird, dead badger-like smell at Humble between the main building and the annex, rising from that mysterious artificial creek full of brownish sludge? Yeah, you want to stay as far from that as you can. And for the love of God, the mustache? BAD idea. No one finds it hot. At least, no women find it hot. Otherwise, you'll have to live the story for yourself.

What I will do is share some hard won life lessons. Maybe if you know these things ahead of time, well, things won’t be quite as…awkward at certain times shall we say. Think on this. Oh, and I included some song allusions, cause I know you like that sort of thing.

Don’t follow leaders, watch the parking meters. Just because someone else is doing something, that’s no reason to do something you don’t want to do. Do what you want to do, and what you think is right. In the end, you’re the only person who has to live with the choices you make. Those people telling you what to do—they don’t have to live with the choice, and they probably won’t be around 20, 30, or 40 years later either.

Pretty good company. News flash: people judge. Stop the presses. One thing that stands out as they judge you is the company you keep. If you hang around with respectable people, either their respectability will rub off on you or people will assume you’re somewhat respectable. If you associate with trash, people will assume that’s who you are. Put another way, very few people have ever individually dragged all their friends to their level. Mostly its friends dragging you to their level. You want to be dragged upward, not down. Why? Read on.

Baby, talk is cheap. Talk all you like, but you say 20 times more with your actions than your words. The true test of your beliefs and your feelings is how you act (or fail to act). Ultimately no one really cares what you said. Its what you did that gets put on your tombstone.

You can take the hard way. Generally, the easy way is the wrong way. Most things worth achieving aren’t very simple or straightforward. Most things easy to master aren’t worth mastering. That’s not always true of course, but usually that’s how it works out.

Girls! Girls! Girls! I could write a whole other letter just on this. After roughly 35 years of paying attention, here’s all I know about girls. Girls are a lot like guys. The differences are of degree more than kind. Here’s some gross over-generalizations. First, they’re more emotion-driven than men. Its not that they don’t reason logically, its just that they pay as much attention to the emotional aspects of situations as to the reasoned side. If a woman ever talks to you about her problems, its usually because the process of verbalizing them helps her settle her thoughts and feelings about the problem.  Your job is not to lay out a 12 point plan for conquering said problem. Your job is to listen to what she has to say and offer encouragement. Next, the relationship is the thing. Relationships are to women like sports are to men. They’ll often eschew personal achievement or success if it interferes with a close friendship or family or romantic relationship, in many cases to the point where they’re taken advantage of. So if you want to connect with a woman, you need to focus on your relationship with her and her friends and family. Simply displaying your unrivalled coolness and being a total stud...recipe for disaster. Also, they deal with a lot more pressure than men. Women are judged mercilessly, often for doing the same things that men do routinely. Every woman has to deal with people thinking she’s not pretty, or too pretty, or a bad mother, or too bitchy, or not responsive, or uncaring, or too trampy, or too full of herself. Women get criticized when they succeed and when they fail. If they’re prettier or happier or more educated than their friends or family, then those same friends or family often subtly work to bring her down. If she spends all her time looking out for others and never focusing on herself, her friends often see her as a loser. No man trying to climb the corporate ladder or hook up on a Friday night was ever called a selfish, trampy bitch. Lesson...adding to the pressure a woman already feels will hardly ingratiate yourself with her.  Finally, they’re considerably stronger than men. CONSIDERABLY. Women take in stride things that would send lots of men off the deep end. Death, divorce, sickness, bankruptcy, infidelity, firing, failure…situations in which men crater, women take it all and still manage to accessorize perfectly. You would do well not to confuse any of these differences for weakness.  

Pump it up. God has given you a body that does everything it needs to. More or less (spoiler alert!). You get one body, and only one. It has to last you your whole life. Still no brain transplants in 2012, Young Frankenstein notwithstanding. So you need to take care of your body. I know that's hard to fathom, being such an awesome looking guy and all and feeling great. But its not going to last unless you maintain it. You need to exercise. More than once a week. You need to watch what you eat. Garbage in, garbage out. Fewer pop tarts and chicken fried steaks. More fruit and vegetables. Well, some fruit and vegetables. Stay out of the sun. That's just skin cancer from above. And for the love of God, be careful driving, and watch who you get in the car with.

Baby take your time, do it right. There’s no quicker way to ruin your reputation than to go around half assing everything. No one will hire you, no one will want you on their team or their project, and no one will cut you slack or give you the second chances that go to those who try hard. You can’t always give yourself more talent or aptitude, but you can always control your effort.

See for miles and miles. Its best to view most issues from the long-term perspective. Short-term thinking is like walking through a darkened room-you may be fine for now, but who knows what you’re getting ready to step on. Whenever there’s an opportunity, make decisions that will help you  through your entire life, not just til next Thursday.

Stand for the things you know are right. Nothing’s worse than an unprincipled man. In your words and your deeds, you should represent something. Have opinions, but make sure they’re informed opinions (see “don’t follow leaders” above). Beyond that, be a man of your principles. Don’t just sit on the side, watching the wrongs around you. Do something. That doesn’t mean you have to spend all your time walking the earth like Caine in Kung Fu, fighting injustice. Though it would be pretty cool.

Schoolhouse rock. The time to stop learning is never. Life is a school. The end of high school and later college only ends one phase of your learning. Life changes so much that unless you keep up, and find out what’s happening around you and why and what it means, you’ll be left behind. I learned that from a guy by the name of Ferris. Check it out.

Party friends are the first to bail. There’s friends who you can count on when everything’s going well, and then there’s just friends. Look for the latter. Anyone can be a friend when times are good. You need friends who’ll stick by you when things aren’t so good.

That song isn’t about you. Believe it or not, most people really don’t care what you’ve got going on. They’re not paying much attention to you at all, and they don’t really care when you’re having a bad day, or when you get the highest grade on the English test (like that would ever happen). In other words, the planets don’t revolve around YOU.

I’m so tired of being alone. Most people seem to have lots and lots and lots and lots of friends who hang around all the time. For them, every day and every night seems like a sitcom. Or New Year’s Eve. Why, you’d think its impossible to make it through the day without the gang being around. But you know, not everyone is like that. Specifically, you’re not like that. And its ok. Being alone is ok. You can be alone and not be lonely. Its better to have one friend you makes you laugh, or cares about you, or supports you when you’re down, than to have 100 friends who are more trouble than they’re worth.

Your word is your bond. Once you’re found out as a liar, its all over. If people don’t trust you they won’t do business with you, they won’t take you into their confidence, they won’t put you on their team. Liars are unreliable. Liars will sell you out. And all it takes is one lie to ruin 30 years of telling the truth and being honest. Oh, and if you say you’re going to do something, do it. People rely on your assurances. Only if circumstances change in a way you can’t control should you promise to do something and then back off. Otherwise, you’re just a flake.

Go to the mirror boy! For various reasons, most people won’t level with you. Friends won’t tell you negative things you need to hear. Others will hesitate to intrude in your business. But self-delusion can destroy. Failing to recognize bad choices destroys more careers, more marriages, more lives than you can possibly imagine. So you need to see yourself the way others do, the way you really are. Level with yourself about shortcomings. That doesn’t mean you should set impossible or unrealistic standards (see below), but it does mean you should recognize when things aren’t working well, or that you’re not nearly as super-awesome as you think. The first rule about digging a hole for yourself? Stop digging.

Nice and easy. Its never as bad or as good as you think. That’s really true. What may seem like your most catastrophic flame-out ever almost inevitably wasn’t so bad. Likewise, your most glorious, triumphant, crowning achievement probably won’t register on most people’s radar. Why? Well, most people, yourself included, tend to over-estimate their own significance. That carries over into their actions. Whatever you do, good, bad or other, just isn’t really all that important in the grand scheme of things. And because you’re much more focused on yourself than others, you tend to over-scrutinize your actions. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t celebrate your achievements or regret your mistakes; it just means you should tamp down the highs and lows.

Finally, you have the best mom. The sooner you get that the better.

Adios, mofo…See you in a few decades.

Future Chris