Top 5 Things for Tim Tebow to Do (Other than Play Football)

Tebowing

Gary Beban...Archie Griffin...Desmond Howard...Gino Torreta...Eric Crouch...Tim Tebow...

Uh, Heisman Trophy winners who sucked in the NFL?

Ding!

Wow. Winning the Heisman Trophy sure isn't worth the paper its printed on (to steal a Yogi Berra-ism). For every Roger Staubach or Barry Sanders, there's a Troy Smith or an Andre Ware (that last one hurts).

Or a Tim Tebow.

Someone who's admittedly a top college player whose game or talents simply don't translate to the NFL game. Or whose mental makeup simply couldn't handle the increased pressure, or who had only excelled because he played for an outstanding team that uniformly played scrub opponents (or as I call it, the "Ohio State rule"). Blazing fast college players who run up and down the field scoring points seemingly att will (Reggie Bush) find that NFL opponents run much faster and quicker than the meathead junior geography major linebackers they played in college. The NFL simply does not have the gaping holes these players ran through in college. Or the wide open, no one near within a country mile "coverages" many college teams throw at Heisman winning quarterbacks.

And in the NFL, everyone's a great athlete. Not much physical difference exists between a star player and a practice squad player. Desire, attitude, as well as coaching and scheme tends to separate NFL players. Not raw talent or ability. The NFL and other pro sports represent the purest meritocracy--if you can play, they'll play you, and if you can't they won't. It doesn't matter how many revival meetings you lead or how many terminally ill kids you visit or how many illegitimate kids you don't father. If you can't play, you can't play. Likewise, despite some occasional grudging exceptions, most NFL stars could be caught with a dead body in their trunk and still play as long as they stayed out of jail (signed Leonard Little and Donte Stallworth).

Which brings us to our boy, National Hero Tim Tebow. You may remember him from such hits as crying at a press conference after a Florida defeat, or shot putting the ball downfield and missing receivers by 10 yards, or performing circumcisions, or appearing at revivals, or turning down the line of hot young girls that goes down the block following him everywhere, or leading improbable fourth quarter comebacks after his wretched play over 55 minutes necessitated a comeback in the first place, or responding to criticism by repeating "I will just work harder to get better and help my teammates" about 50,000 times, or being incapable of speaking a sentence without uttering some sort of "I love my Lord Jesus Christ" statement. Or "Tebowing." That guy. Don't get me wrong. If I had the chance to pick a guy to be my boss or my friend or to coach my son's team, he'd be at the very top of the list. There's no reason to hatchet this guy.

But, Tim, all around good guy and unquestionably outstanding college quarterback, uh, how to put it nicely? He kind of lacks the skills needed to perform the position in the NFL. How to put it not as nicely? He's the Citizen Kane of NFL quarterback suckitude. And yet, for several years a devoted cadre of followers flooded sports radio shows with calls persisting that "all he does is win" and "if he just played in the right offense" he'd excel. The "right offense" I guess being one where he never had to pass the ball or read defenses. Tebow's one of the few football players to find himself at the center of the modern hype frenzy. ESPN led every SportCenter with Tebow news. Even when there was no Tebow news. "To put this US Women's Soccer Team championship in perspective, we have to think about Tim Tebow, and how he persevered in the face of even greater adversity." His every move made every sports page and web site. Speculation about his next move and his career dominated sports reporting. That was a couple of years ago. Not so much now.

Because ultimately, unless you're a Kardashian or a politician, at some point the hype goes away unless there's performance to support it. And, sadly, anyone capable of throwing this pass in any level of football has a greater future in insurance or real estate than on a football field. Tebow's stats during his second yearyear starting in Denver reads like a casualty list after a military battle: 46% completion percentage, 2:1 touchdown to interception ratio, 73% passer rating. Quincy Carter thinks that's underachieving.

Its not that Tebow lacks athleticism or physical ability. Many commentators have contended that he could play receiver or fullback. But so far he has rejected that advice.

The New York Jets signed Tebow to compete with Mark Sanchez, theoretically, but he couldn't supplant Sanchez as the starter. Something rookie Geno Smith did in one training camp. The Patriots invited him to training camp but cut him before this season and no team has picked him up. So Tim has some free time on his hands. Maybe a lot of free time.

So to help him come up with things to do, I've put together a list. Its what I do.

Here's the top 5 things for Tim Tebow to do (other than play football):

5. Speak at youth abstinence/"true love waits" rallies. Well you gotta admire fortitude. And despite many comely young women throwing themselves at him, like Katy Perry (keep it tuned to Daily Affirmations for your Hot Celebrity Gossip), Tim keeps it safely tucked away. Like any married man. BTW, Katy Perry. Has any "singer" ever done more with less? Talent I mean. Guess it just goes to show what sells. Signed, Jayne Mansfield.

4. WrestleMania! Tebow's already a circus on his own, so joining another circus should be a natural progression. The fact that millions of so-called "adults" follow rasslin' in this country tells you all you need to know about why the Chinese own everything these days. That and a quick trip to WalMart on any given day.

3. B movie action hero. It worked for the Boz. Sort of. And for the Rock. Tebow's got at least as much personality as those guys, and unlike them, is an actual, bona fide athlete (not a steroid freak--oh no he didn't!!!!). I guess the fly in the ointment would be love scenes. He might have to kiss a girl to whom he's not married. Maybe he could work in Bollywood films.

2. Coach. Hell, if Kliff Kingsbury and his "Ryan Gosling lite" touch can help the Sand Aggies at the same time his All-American looks (actually, I think he was just All Big 12) make ladies' hearts flutter, think what Tim could accomplish.

1. Reality Show Star. Where he does all the above. And performs faith healing rituals while fighting crime. And ministers to the Kardashians.

NEXT--Top 5 Things in Lindsay Lohan's Purse. Oh, yeah. THAT will be good! I can hardly wait to find out! I'm thinking that neither "hand sanitizer" nor a miniature copy of "Chicken Soup for the Soul" will appear on that list.