Top 5: Things to Do At the Beach or At an Exorcism

Malibu

Back to the Top 5 lists. I can't remember. Have I ever posted something that wasn't a Top 5 list? The Jazz Fest summaries? Vacation posts? Top 5 posts that aren't Top 5 lists? Maybe? Seems like that's when every post involved some searching Top Gun or Dirty Dancing analysis. Or Star Trek. Early on, you could rely on most posts getting to this place: "That's like on that one Star Trek episode...." Which is so weird because keep in mind, I am NOT a Trekkie.

Well, about ten years ago, I posted 30 Top 5 topics and committed to writing a post on each and every one of them. Actually I committed to doing this in 30 days. That didn't exactly happen and was probably never gonna happen. Unless by "day" you mean the time it takes the earth to revolve 19 times. Around the sun. But I hope no one thinks they haven't gotten their money's worth. And if I bite off more than I can chew, what's it to you? Even I have to go to the grocery store and work every now and then. Not sure about you, but I keep my feet on the ground AND reaching for the stars. So I'm going to finish this list, because I said I would, because the public demands it (i.e. Donna said something positive about one of the lists), and because they're totes fresh (and I can't think of anything else). So please take your negative attitudes out of here and spoil someone else's day with them.

So, returning to the epic Lists saga, we find the next entry. Top 5 Things to Do At the Beach or at An Exorcism. Oooooohhhhh....is it too late to take back the last paragraph?

Looking back with the memory of someone who can't remember where he parked his car, I can't remember how I came up with this topic or what it meant. I don't like the beach and have never attended an exorcism. Though I did go to several Houston Oilers games and have taken care of someone with stomach flu. Both of which seem like the same thing. Naturally then it makes perfect sense to write on this. As much as anything else I write about on which I lack any actual knowledge. Probably I just came up with 20 actual real topics, and just spitballed the other 10.

So not much promise with this one. Like a tennis player down in a set 5-0 who doesn't want to waste energy trying to come back (a/k/a the John McCain presidential campaign), let's just shorthand how this would have gone if I were more into it:

"The American beach...Beach Boys, spring break, the ocean's call...shedding our clothes uniforms and symbolically returning to the sea...scoping out hot chicks. Exorcism...symbolic or real...Maverick and Goose (I'm Maverick)...expelling the evil within...facing one's inner demons....like that Star Trek where Satan came on board and jumped in and out of everyone's bodies...like Kirk on shore leave or an average trip to the planet's surface."

That ought to do. You can probably just fill in the ellipses if you've ever read something here. Though as long as we're on the subject of exorcisms, can someone exorcise the NCAA out of college football? Or the perpetual road construction out of Austin? Or the surly airline employee out of traveling? Come to think of it, this post should have been Top 5 Needed Exorcisms. Well...live and learn.

Anyway, here's the list and then we'll move on to the next one and pretend this one never happened.

Top 5 Things to Do at the Beach or At An Exorcism:

5. Avoid flying objects

4. Help vomiting friends

3. Control your dog

2. Pray for salvation

1. Moisturize.

Now that I look at this, an exorcism seems a lot like a Vegas bachelor party weekend. With little Carlos!

NEXT-Top 5 Things for Tim Tebow to do (other than play football). Now, see, that one should be pretty good.