Arguments You Don't Want to Have (Yes You Do!)

As someone who spends most of his professional time thinking up arguments to support reasons for and against some usually pointless conclusion, I can tell you first hand, it can be wearing. All that effort really can beat you down, thinking and talking, talking and thinking, bleh, at some point its just not worth it. You really need to save your spite for where its needed most. So let me offer some suggestions on which subjects aren't worth your time, and which ones you need to push. Sort of my own guide to selective righteous indignation.

Blondes vs. Brunettes. Sorry, everyone knows its all about redheads.

Your team vs. their team. If its college, its a completely corrupt hypocrisy, plus, those aren't really students anyway. And you can get really hurt. If its pros, you're just cheering for the shirts.

Any relationship arguments. You can never win these, and you should never argue about anything if you can't win. Winning a relationship argument also costs you in other ways. Plus, 9 times out of 10, you're not really arguing about what just happened, you're arguing about something else. You just don't know it yet. Or, put another way, its not the color of the new sofa, its the last 10 years.

Religious denominations. The biggest arguments aren't between people who believe diametrically opposite things, but people who believe slightly different permutations of the same thing. Like Northern Ireland (catholic vs. protestant), Iraq (sunni vs. shiite), Star Wars geeks vs. Lord of the Rings geeks. Save your fire for the real enemy.

Republican vs. Democrat. One party raises taxes, increases regulations on business, raises government spending, and reduces personal freedom through passing ridiculous nanny state rules. The other is the Democrats.

Family arguments at the holidays. Just let it go. Family fights spike at the holidays. One wrong word and you can start your own Family Feud.

Any subject involving "hottest" anything, once you're older than 15. Try not to live your life talking like you're a Maxim magazine writer .

Your kid vs. theirs. Until they can drive, all kids are pretty much the same; face and hands covered with sticky substances of unknown origin, coughing in your face and screaming in your ear while you try to talk with their oblivious parent. Sorry proud parent trying to push your kid to heights you failed to achieve, there's no such thing as a uniquely amazing and special 4 year old. Just an annoying, bragging parent of a 4 year old. Treating kids like they're so special just turns them into self-obsessed narcissists down the road. (Ladies, have I mentioned I really want to have kids? Tell your friends!).

Finally, there's at least two arguments you better get into:

Your school vs. their school. Brian Wilson said it all.

Your family vs. their family. Anybody who is a brother, sister, father or mother gets into a fight, you better get in there with them, all the way in, whether they're right or not. What do you think makes the Marines or the Hells Angels so strong? You don't want to be Fredo Corleone, right? In-laws, however, are on their own.

Uncle Drayton just fired Tim Purpura and Phil Garner. Talk about Phil as the fall guy. Maybe if DMC hadn't screwed up the roster through his own meddling (i.e., letting Pettite go, not allowing enough money to sign competent minor league talent, etc.), and had Tim Purpura not had a ridiculous minor league strategy (Hunter Pence didn't come up til May so that Jason Lane could stay in the bigs) or not acquired such Hall of Famers as Woody Williams and Aubrey Huff, Phil would have had something better to run out there than .177 hitting Jason Lane and 6.45 ERA having Jason Jennings. More later.