How to Be A Gentleman

Francie Stevens (Grace Kelly): The next thing I noticed was something remarkable. All evening, you looked at my mother, not at me.
John Robie (Cary Grant): I kissed you, didn't I?
FS: I kissed you.
JR: I wasn't looking at her then.
FS: You were thinking about her, or you would never would have let me say goodnight so easily.
JR: Well I'm a gentleman.
FS: A rough lumberman from the Northwest?
JR: I must remember to yell "Timber!" occasionally.

To Catch A Thief (1954)

Today the Houston Chronicle excerpted a list from a new book on how to be a gentleman. This has every sign of being one of those books that are essentially lists that a bunch of twentysomethings thought up over cocktails one afternoon. You know, the kind of book you read by the pool, or when the neighbor's kid snagged this month's People from your mailbox. Basically something more appropriate for a blog than a book you would spend money on.

Before I go further, are we all agreed that coming up with some big list isn't actual writing, its just a list? I mean, when Shakespeare compared thee to a summer's day, it wasn't a list. "#4. You're bright, like a sunny summer day." No, that really isn't writing, unless you're a lawyer, in which case that's the only way you communicate with anyone ("the third reason we should get cheeseburgers is we won't have to wait as long as for other types of fast food"; I've endured these kinds of conversations for almost 20 years now).

But, having previously taken it upon myself to lecture everyone, men at least, about what they need to be able to do in life, this article (and another one on teenagers sending nude photos of themselves to their friends via cell phone) has convinced me that I need to share more of my vast and valuable knowledge and expertise with you, dear readers. Really, lets face it, some of you losers desparately need it, and the rest of you know someone who does. This represents the first in a series of "how to" posts, giving you valuable nuggets of information. Feel free to thank me later (without touching me in the process, however).

Let me approach this by commenting on this guy's list, then giving my own suggestions. Basically, this list is pretty vapid.

A gentleman . . .

1. Keeps to the right, whether he is walking on a sidewalk, down a hallway or on the stairs.

That's just ridiculous. What if the person you're passing is already on the right side? Or is English?

2. . . . does not attempt to walk and send text messages simultaneously.

Well that's true, but unless it puts someone out, like if you walk into someone or into an open manhole, who cares?

3. . . . waits for a woman to initiate a social kiss. If she leans toward him, he turns his cheek toward her lips. And when she graces him with a light, brushing kiss, he doesn't dawdle in accepting it.

I don't believe in social kisses. You certainly don't know where someone's been (that's admittedly harsh but true). In any case, I don't like people coming up on me like that so I don't approve of some sweaty guy in a polyester shirt wearing socks with holes in them trying to kiss random women. Still, if the lady insists, that's how you do it. In the immortal words of Madeline Kahn, "no tongues."

4. . . . doesn't wipe away a lipstick smudge in the presence of the woman who planted it on him. He bears it, even if briefly, as a badge of honor, wiping it away later with a handkerchief.

Well you don't immediately go wiping it off like you accidentally drank after some snot-nosed kid or something, but neither do you strut around with second-hand lipstick as if though you were a 12 year old boy who just made out with his trashy girlfriend in front of her locker just before language arts class. And does it really say "badge of honor" or "I am a douche"?

5. . . . waits until a lady at the table lifts her fork before he takes his first bite.

Yeah, that's true, unless you're out with Anorexia Girl, who might, possibly, eat two leaves of lettuce of her salad before complaining of being full. You could starve at that rate; she is of hardier stock and will not-eat you under the table.

6. . . . eats the garnish on his dinner plate if he so desires.

Who eats the garnish, unless you've just come out of the Sinai Desert like Lawrence of Arabia after he conquered Aqaba?

7. . . . places his knife and his fork on his plate side by side, as if they were the hands of a clock set at 5:25, when he's finished eating.

Wrong! You should set it at 4:45. Now if only waiters understood that. If you're paying more than $50 for dinner, you have the right to keep your plate until you're finished eating.

8. . . . always has an umbrella to share.

I always carry a spare umbrella. Signed dork guy and hotel concierge.

9. . . . never wears a belt when he is wearing suspenders.

Yeah that's true. But then again, Robin Williams may be the only guy I've ever seen do this, so probably not that instructive.

10. . . . leaves the bottom button of his vest undone.

That's true. But this is a mark of a gentleman? Buttons?

11. . . . never wears a bow-tie with a button-down shirt.

Not true. WF Buckley did that. George Will too. And Pappy Little. Three is a trend.

12. . . . owns at least one pair of black lace-up shoes.

That's true. And they should be properly shined.

13. . . . usually takes his shirts to the laundry but knows how to use an iron and spray starch.

Very true, at least about knowing how to iron. Wrinkles just mean you're a slob, and its pretty hard to go to the cleaners when you're traveling.

14. . . . is careful about what he says in e-mails. He meticulously reviews his messages, editing if necessary to make sure recipients will understand what he's saying — and the tone in which he says it.

True. But, difficult to insure meaning because some things are just inherently subject to different meanings in writing. Of course, this won't apply to the booty text.

15. . . . knows how to make a grilled cheese sandwich at 2 a.m. and an omelet at 7 a.m.

This is just ridiculous. Everyone knows you eat grilled cheese in the morning too.

16. . . . doesn't flaunt his newest gadgets, no matter how expensive or cutting-edge they may be.

Boys and their toys....I've got to say yes to this one. Unless you're James Bond driving your new Aston Martin.

17. . . . feels no necessity to wear socks after Memorial Day — at least in casual situations. If he is Southern, he may not even wear them to church.

We're measuring whether someone is a gentleman by whether he wears socks? If you don't wear socks to church, you, my friend, may be a redneck.

18. . . . never wears the same pair of blue jeans two days in a row.

Wrong. Jeans are good for at least a four day run. Oh, and the only appropriate jeans for men to wear are either Wranglers or Levis. Period.

19. . . . puts the liquor away when he wants guests to leave.

I don't understand. He puts it back in the cabinet, or he "puts it away," cannonballing it like Carl Spackler?

20. . . . always offers to get up and make the coffee in the morning.

I take it that's an offer made to a lady, so I would have to agree there. Unless she doesn't like coffee.

21. . . . never waits for something better to turn up.

Nope. A gentleman always waits for something better to turn up. Its called bettering yourself.

My own list, made necessary because personal habits don't reflect whether one is a gentleman.

A Gentleman:

1. Makes others at ease and comfortable in his company (hence "those jeans definitely do NOT make you look fat").

2. Is forthright and honest (does not "lie, cheat or steal or tolerate those who do").

3. Is reliable and loyal.

4. Takes responsibility for his actions; admits, rectifies, and learns from mistakes; stands by correct decisions that prove unpopular.

5. Does not dishonor his friends and family by associating with those who lack such qualities.

6. Will always put family first.

7. Does not let himself be taken advantage of.

I may not do all these things, but its how I try to roll.

Next, How to Score with Chicks.