Top 5: American Cities

“America has only three cities: New York, San Francisco, and New Orleans. Everywhere else is Cleveland.”
― Tennessee Williams

By the way, Cleveland called. Its upset about getting lumped in with Dallas. #unfair.

Road trip discussions often are the best. Three or four hours in, when the road hypnotizes you and all of the sudden you can't remember where you're going or where you've been. Oh, wait, that's my drive to work every morning.

Once, on our way to the Sea Ranch (everyone who hasn't been to the Sea Ranch...GO), Terry, Kimberly and I were debating which American city is The Best (there's a reason I capitalize The Best, but will get into that some other time). That's what we do. You may talk about inane things like who should have won American Idol or Olympic ice dancing, but we talk about important things. I think this was the same trip I broke out my "Timmy!" impression from South Park. Anyway, Terry argued for "Point Reyes Station." I hadn't exactly expected that. This little tiny town (pop. 350) consists of about 12 blocks along the PCH, near the entrance to the Point Reyes National Seashore. Terry reasoned that it provides access to some of the best hiking and natural scenery anywhere, a few really good restaurants, was unspoiled and enjoyed beautiful weather. Good argument. I thought he was well meaning, but insane.

Oh gee. Another "best cities" list. That's something we could really use, because there aren't like 50 million of them already. Its like another reality show. Or Lindsay Lohan arrest.

There's "best cities" lists for vacations, for jobs, for raising families, for alternative lifestyles, for hipsters (brace yourself, they picked Seattle...shocking), for housing, for raising sheep, and on and on and on. The problem with most of these lists is they try to approach it objectively. Instead of just polling a bunch of people, or thinking (like I do), they come up with all these criteria. Like if they're doing best cities to raise a family, they might quantify schools per square mile and hospitals, libraries, parks, churches, crimes per capita, etc. Then they tally it up. And then they wind up saying Boston is the best place in America to raise a family. Or Houston is the best place for live music. Or Washington, D.C. is the best city for single men. Or Lincoln, Neb. is the best city for overall wellbeing.

Child, please. Are these people kidding? I'd raise my family in Mogadishu before Boston. In Mogadishu they would face of lifetime of poverty, terrorism, illiteracy, and eventual slavery or piracy. Which still beats sounding like one of those Southie chowds, cheering for the Sawx, and saying idiotic things like "that was so wicked cool" or "Gahd your so retahhded!" (I know it should be spelled "you're" but up there they pronounce it "your"). How do you like them apples?

So I'm not using objective criteria like that. I'm just writing down my list. I thought about a city's overall attributes. What makes a city great? Certainly its cultural significance. Beyond that, its national political and economic importance. Its historic significance (suck it Dallas). Its physical attractiveness. Other considerations would include diversity (not so much racial or ethnic diversity but overall eclecticism, different kinds of people interacting with one another). Climate too.

Ok, here's the list:

5. San Francisco. This is a filthy, disgusting, decaying city where panhandlers and street creatures aggressively impose on tourists and anyone who took a bath that week. Yet, like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, it simply will not be ignored. Phenomenal, magnificent architecture dominates the landscape. Iconic trolley cars still roll throughout the city, linking the present and the past. Incredible views abound. Complaints about cold and fog seem exaggerated; that often burns off in the afternoons, and in any case represents a welcome respite from the Texas heat. Yes, commies run the place, but the "power to the people" ethos produces stellar restaurants, bars, theatres, bookstores (yes, they still have those), and cafes. Successful and legendary pro sports teams. Renowned ballet and opera companies, and symphony orchestras. Chinatown. North Beach. Twin Peaks. The bridges. Alcatraz. San Francisco is an American treasure. Despite its residents' best efforts to make it Kiev.

4. New Orleans. I've written so much about New Orleans that there's not much point in replicating it here. The birthplace of jazz maintains one of the best and most diverse music scenes in the country. Food so great that it makes nearly every other restaurant anywhere else a disappointment. A joie de vivre that infects all its residents. The City That Care Forgot. Mardi Gras. Jazz Festival. French Quarter Festival. The Sugar Bowl. Multiple Super Bowls. The Saints. The French Quarter. The Garden District and St. Charles Avenue, with its incomparable architecture. New Orleans is the only American city that doesn't look like every other American city. There is no French Quarter in Buffalo.

3. Miami. Talk about your swimming pools and movie stars. They're living here now, or at least vacationing here every chance they get. Miami isn't so much a city as a state of mind. Its actually several smaller cities and towns adjacent to or near Miami: Hialeah Gardens, Coconut Grove, Miami Beach, and so forth. Incredible climate. Hot days in Miami seem comfortable, thanks to the breezes. Cold days are in the 50s. Miami, post-Mariel boatlift, became the American Casablanca. Everyone came to Miami, and that cultural mixing and melting pot has spawned a totally unique lifestyle and aesthetic. All those art deco hotels on South Beach beckon you to relax, have some rum, eat some Cuban food, maybe salsa dancing. Oh, and if you're a pro athlete, practice your drunk driving (seems like once a month there's a story about "pro athlete arrested in Miami for DWI").

2. Chicago. Its not the Blues Brothers' city anymore. Chicago features incredible parks, extensive sightseeing and shopping, exquisite architecture, a beautiful lakefront, and probably the most authentic collection of true neighborhoods of any American city. Chicago likewise proudly boasts legendary sports teams, as well as national landmarks Wrigley Field and Soldier Field. True, it gets a little...chilly from time to time, but I can't imagine a greater summer place. Chicagoans are among the friendliest people in America, even to tourists. Chicago also features a great music scene, interesting restaurants, about 10 million bars (can you imagine a Cubs World Series championship? Chicago would explode). Navy Pier. The Sears Tower. Hancock Plaza. Water Tower. Chicago, Illinois, is like a shiny toy.

1. New York. OK, I don't think its even close here. New York is the greatest city in America, and its a tossup with London and Paris about which is the greatest in the world. Decisions made every day in New York affect the entire world. Trends start in New York. When alQueda wanted to strike at America, it chose New York as the target it figured would resonate the most. Instead it just galvanized the entire country into action. It takes a special grit and resourcefulness to live in New York. This isn't a city for the faint or the wallflower. Twice within 15 years disaster has struck New York, and each time, New Yorkers quickly and steadfastly set about rebuilding and recovering. New York life is a struggle in many ways. But New York offers unsurpassed treasures in nearly every field. Culture-the theatre capital of America and probably the world. The Metropolitan Opera. The New York City Ballet. Carnegie Hall. Education: countless colleges and universities, including Columbia and NYU. Sports: the Yankees, Knicks, Giants, Jets, Mets. Heard of them? Restaurants: 21, Delmonico's, Per Se, Le Bernardin, Jean Georges, Water House. Museums: the Guggenheim, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and the American Museum of Natural History. Parks: Central, Bryant, Battery, High Line Trail, Chelsea Piers, USS Intrepid, the Space Shuttle Enterprise.  Neighborhoods: Chelsea, SoHo, the Village, Harlem, the Upper East Side and West Side. It goes on and on. The Plaza, Waldorf Astoria, the Carlyle. The Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building, and the Flatiron Building. The Village Vanguard, the Blue Note, and Birdland. Wall Street. The Statue of Liberty. Rockefeller Plaza. New York is the greatest American city. Check it out sometime. Maybe you'll meet Miss Turnstiles:

Honorable Mention: Seattle, Charleston, Santa Fe.

NEXT-Top 5 Cocktails. This should be short.