Top 5: Cocktails

Don and Joan love a delicious cocktail during the work day

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."


--Frank Sinatra  

When I first thought of this, I was probably thinking of "cocktail dresses." But I typed "cocktails." But that's no problem at all. If you want to learn how to fix your injured knee, do you call an orthopedic surgeon, or someone who watched a lot of Gray's Anatomy? The TV viewer, naturally, because what happens on TV is the same as real life, right? Signed, the Kardashians.

Today we list the top 5 cocktails. As you probably know, I'm not what you'd call a drinker. Unless you call black tea or sparkling water drinking, in which case yeah I'm a big drinker. So nothing qualifies me to list the best cocktails other than what I've observed. Oh, sure, I've had drinks before. I'm not a Mormon. Or I'm the worst Mormon ever. I know all about your gin fizzes and your planter's punches and your Tom Collinses. I possess the knowledge of the man who went to New Zealand for two weeks and returns as a New Zealand expert.

That was an analogy, by the way.

Note that the martini doesn't make it here. Mainly because its vile. Hey, you wouldn't drink anti-freeze, I assume, so why you follow everyone else off the martini cliff eludes me. Even if James Bond drinks them.

But in any case, everyone has different taste, right? So what I like isn't necessarily what anyone else would like. Subjectivity renders it impossible to rank cocktails on taste alone.

One can, however, choose a drink that doesn't make one look ridiculous. Your whiskey sour may taste good, but it screams out "1980s 10 cent drink night." Show me a man who drinks a Cosmopolitan, and I'll show you someone who can get you a good deal on some really cute wall coverings. Your fruity drink identifies you as having just booked the mid-priced economy suite on the latest Carnival Carribean cruise for you and your Mary Kay independent sales dealer wife and your home schooled kids. Hope you keep your Crocs clean. And so on. Bad for the look is bad for the look. Though that's the next list.

With that in mind, here's the top 5 cocktails.

5. White Russian. Because that's what the Dude drinks. "You make a hell of a Caucasian, Jackie."

4. Manhattan. Because that's what Marilyn Monroe drank in Some Like It Hot.

3. Sazerac. The cocktail of New Orleans. Better with absinthe than without. Have one in the Napoleon House courtyard or at the Hotel Monteleone Carousel Bar for best effect.

2. Seven and seven. Because that's what Jimmy Conway drank in GoodFellas.

1. Old Fashioned. Because that's what Don Draper drinks. And he knows a thing or twelve about cocktails. Here's how its done:

NEXT- Top 5 Things That Are Bad For the Look. Like Pete Rose haircuts. Or Birkenstocks.