Top 5: Things That Are Bad For Your Look

This is not a good look for me!!!
 

Diane:  I hope you don't mind me judging you solely on the basis of your looks.

Grace: Oh, please, how else would you judge someone?

--Will and Grace, "Last Ex to Brooklyn" (2003)

I used to listen to a sports talk show whose host turned into such a peacocking douche that I couldn't stand him any more and quit listening. At one point, he kept talking about his "brand." I'm not entirely sure I'm relating this correctly, but apparently everyone has their own brand, not just businesses.  Its sort of like Rod Tidwell from Jerry Maguire, who has not "coin" but "kwaan" ("love, respect, community...and the dollars too. The whole package.").  Your brand signifies how people see you, and how you present yourself to the world. A personal "brand" includes several elements, including your "look." Your "look" covers not just how you personally look and dress, but how your mannerisms, surroundings, activities, friends, possessions, and so forth. Many ingredients go into your look, so you need to focus on all these things to maintain your look.

Do you see why I quit listening to this guy?

But caring for your look does carry have some appeal. I know all about "being yourself" and "sticks and stones" and "don't care what anyone thinks." There's also street cred, yo. And no one ever represented while driving a Ford Taurus, ok? More simply, you don't want to roll through life looking ridiculous, no matter how much money Justin Bieber makes.

I'm really only talking about men here. Women already instinctively preserve their look without realizing it. Certainly, at least in the South, they fix their hair and makeup and wear the right clothes and jewelry. My own mother, for example, wouldn't even go to the grocery store unless her hair was fixed, she had on makeup, and she could wear "something cute." Women, at least those with some modicum of class, go beyond just their personal appearance. They make sure to go only to the right places, have friends with the same "look," not to do anything obnoxious, and to find men who match (known as a "mancessary," this unfortunate trend has reduced men to the same role some men have assigned to women for years, "trophy wife.").

I'm also not talking about clothes or beards or things like that. "Fashions come and go, style is forever." Or else we'd be throwing up all over skinny jeans and bed head. (Neither of which are good for the look, BTW). I'm talking about the other things that affect your look. Which keep you from achieving kwaan.

Contrary to what you might think, this isn't an anti-gay thing. Sure, gay men do some things that wouldn't be good for the straight man's look. That's no problem. But there's being gay and there's being Nathan Lane in the Bird Cage.

See, what you want to do is ask yourself, "what would Steve McQueen do?" In any situation. There was even a movie about being like Steve McQueen. Don't talk unless necessary. Be cool, always. Act like you don't need this. And garrote German soldiers while tear assing around Bavaria on a motorcycle, or chase a murderer all over San Francisco in a 1968 Mustang Fastback.

Here's the Top 5 Things That Are Bad For Your Look:

5. Saloning. Perfectly manicured nails. Sculpted eyebrows. Soft hands. Glowing skin. These things may suit Joan Crawford, but they're pretty devastating for the look. Scampering around in a shorty robe while nametag-wearing women pluck, tweeze, paint, and scrape you, and new age music plays in the background? That may work for the Sex In the City girls, but not for anyone with a penis. Like Kim Cattrall.

4. Knitting. If you're not in hospice care or spending your days in the ICU waiting room, Madame duFarge, Morticia Addams sitting in her wicker chair, or Audrey Hepburn knitting a ranch house at the end of Breakfast At Tiffany's, knitting is perilous to the look. You know who knits? David Arquette. 'Nuff said.

3. Driving a VW Beetle. Try not to get your skirt caught in the gear shift, fella. Make sure to bring enough Capri Sun to make it all the way through pottery class and your scrapbooking club meeting after. 16 year old girls don't even ask their daddies for these any more. Tell you what, just keep your doll collection and your Buffy the Vampire Slayer lunch box away from me. K?

2. Going to the mall. You know who goes to the mall? 12 year old girls. Who spend the day hanging around Brookstone and Spencer's Gifts and Cinnabon and Hot Tropic. That can only hurt your look. Be sure to get a corn dog and some lemonade before you head over to Forever 21 guy. Dez Bryant hangs around in malls. Think about that. Ha! The Cowboys. How funny is it that their top receiver hangs around malls?

1. Cats. See "knitting," above. Cats are Satanic spawn. They spread allergies, ammonia smell, and hairballs wherever they go. Do they give anything back in return? Sure. Attitude. Cats are the Lindsay Lohan of the animal kingdom. If you've reached the point where you require cats to complete your life, you need to seriously question your life choices.

Honorable Mention: talking about your feelings, cutesy talk with your partner, taking baths.

NEXT-Top 5 Reasons Never to Go to the Mall or Oklahoma. But because I've covered the mall here, and its still a little soon to bash Oklahoma, I may modify this somewhat.