--Prof. Higgins, My Fair Lady (1964)
It's a common mistake for vacationing Americans to assume that everyone around them is French and therefore speaks no English whatsoever. [...] An experienced traveler could have told by looking at my shoes that I wasn't French. And even if I were French, it's not as if English is some mysterious tribal dialect spoken only by anthropologists and a small population of cannibals.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day
I'm not sure David Sedaris has ever been to a WalMart. Or Kyle Field. Those "English speakers" don't exactly scream out "Harvard Faculty Club." Then again, I'm not sure if you dug up Hemingway or Fitzgerald or Steinbeck that they'd recognize half the words that so-called sophisticates (like me) use on a daily basis. "Googling"? "Texting"? "Download"? "Carjacking"? "Bromance"? "Unibrow"? Not to mention the accelerating trend of using text abbreviations in more traditional written formats and even in conversations. Or using only the first half of words. Because, I don't know, you have really limited time before the next Halo sesh (see what I did there?) starts so you have to use that time super efficiently.
Annoying words and phrases just keep coming and coming and coming, like shower mildew, or frenzied Chinese troops crossing the Yalu River. Modern reference. Our language's greatest strength and its worst weakness lies in its ability to absorb almost effortlessly new words to reflect new realities. Of course, its not so much that the language itself does this, its the speakers, mostly Americans. WE are the guilty ones. WE created "amazeballs" and "awesome sauce" and "buh bye" and "getting jiggy" and "groovy" and "just chillin'" and "mellow out" and "don't go there" and being "down with" something and "oh no you didn't!"
Who's the guilty party? Who exactly comes up with all these idiotic phrases? I blame Saturday Night Live. That show may not invent these phrases in every case, but by broadcasting them, SNL puts these phrases in the hands of the loser audience who still tunes it. They begin using them incessantly, contaminating weaker minded bystanders within earshot.
These phrases all have a certain life span. For about six months all the "too cool for school" types use them. Then, they show up on television. Cable TV talk shows at first, then SNL. By the time the red state housewives start using them, they're as dried up as Melanie Griffith. OK, that was way out of line. "My bad!" But most of the time they hang around long after their expiration date, with zombie-like resistance to death, feasting on our brains and lowering our collective intelligence.
OK, here's my list of the most recent eye-roll inducing phrases. Just think of how you might feel hearing someone like Al Gore or Celine Dion say these phrases. Cringe Factor 10.
5. In the house. Which of course gets morphed into "in the hiz house" and finally "in the hizzy." Yeah, I'm street. Back off chump. Damn Snoop Dog. What "house" exactly have you entered? Usually its some club or theatre or giant enormous field where you're watching some concert. Its not a house. We're not all over at your "crib" enjoying fatties and watching your fine hoes and chillaxing with Cristal. Give it a rest Urkel. You went to Baytown Sterling. Get over yourself.
4. Give it up. No, YOU give it up. This is SO Arsenio Hall its not even funny. We get it. You're cool. I know that "please give a warm welcome to" is tres Dick Cavett. But honestly, are we ALL from South Central or do we just want to sound that way?
3. Shout out. Ditto.
2. You go girl! Female empowerment. Got it. If only I had someone cheering my mundane routine too maybe I would finally succeed. Switch cable TV provider...you go boy! Eat Special K instead of Froot Loops...you go boy! Tell off semi-menacing Mort in Accounting for not processing reimbursement check timely...you go boy! Must everything in life warrant a cheering section?
1. Amazing. OK. NOT EVERYTHING IS AMAZING! Your three year old child is not amazing. There's millions of other three year olds equally as "amazing" as little Geoffrey (with a "G" because a "J" is so passé). Nor is your best girlfriend's painting of her backyard, or her hand knit shawl, or her empathy for all whom she encounters. Something has to be both rare and truly wonderful to qualify as "amazing." I guess in some metaphorical sense a firefly is amazing, but I see bazillions of them every summer on the trail. Yes, every child is special, but "amazing" little Geoffrey just wiped snot all over his hands before he thrust them into the plate of crudités at your best friend's wedding reception (this is why I no longer eat mass food offerings). You know what's AMAZING? D-Day was amazing. The moon landings were amazing. Cutting edge medical treatments are amazing. But your niece who is the 4th chair clarinet in the Port Neches-Groves HS marching band? She's probably a nice person, but that by itself doesn't make her amazing. And no switching to "amazeballs" or I will have to kill you.
Honorable Mention: It is what it is.
NEXT: Top 5 American Cities. Round Rock, obvi. But you'll be surprised at who else makes the cut.
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