Top 5: Original Star Trek Episodes

So, we all know Star Trek, right? No need to explain the concept or the characters? Frankly, if you're above the age of 10 and don't at least know the Star Trek basics, I'm not sure I'd want to know you. No offense, but, what do you do with your life?

As a kid, I watched Star Trek re-runs every day. I've probably seen every episode at least 20 times. They were on in the afternoons, so I'd watch after spending the first part of the day at school, then going home and playing outside (note to helicopter parents, your kids can play outside without you organizing some league or refereeing the proceedings, without them getting run over, abducted by child molesters, ruined psychologically because one kid got four turns when all the others got five, or impaling themselves on some misplaced garden tool). At the time, I, like most other kids, was totally enraptured with NASA's space exploits. I anticipated the not too distant future when I and my kids would routinely fly to the moon. Star Trek's whole "happens in space" aesthetic kept me watching. I'm not sure whether I understood the show's deeper, implicit messages. Maybe at some subconscious level. Like "oh, I guess we shouldn't wipe out spaghetti-looking, tunnel boring creatures just because they're different." But anyway, I was hooked early. I enjoyed the subsequent movies and spin-off series somewhat less, though I appreciated them. They didn't seem to explore that same place that the original series did. And the new Star Trek "reboot" movies, while flashy and entertaining, really seem to miss Star Trek's essential essence (which I will discuss below). Nonetheless, the original Star Trek still resonates years later.

And its not just comic book loving, man-child freaks who enjoy Star Trek either. One of my law school professors, Bill Powers, who now serves at President of the University of Texas, once said if you want to learn about jurisprudence, watch a lot of Star Trek episodes. They're all about right and wrong, good versus evil, following the letter versus the spirit of the law. He often cited Star Trek episodes to illustrate certain jurisprudential principles. All those little kids who grew up watching Star Trek became adults who continued to appreciate its basic messages. And watching Kirk stud it up all over the galaxy.

Gene Roddenberry conceived of Star Trek as "Wagon Train" in space. Each episode, the ship and crew would "seek out and explore new civilizations" different from ours, but not so radically different as to seem totally unfamiliar to American audiences. Each civilization would generally differ from 1960s America in one critical way, such as being run by women instead of men, or rich people living in a cloud while poor people lived on the surface and slaved away to support the rich people (Star Trek had a cloud city more than a decade before The Empire Strike Back), or they'd live in perfect harmony brought about by spores or some controlling being, or they'd be white on one side and black on the other (but with those who were black on the right side fighting with those who were black on the left side), or they'd be genetically superior but warlike, or there'd be a bunch of subservient machines that had run amok. Each time, the "difference" illustrated and held up to examination some aspect of American society. The story essentially examined whether that particular aspect was just and reasonable. Some episodes were combat stories, but even then would deal with moral questions in war (as America, in the throes of the Vietnam and Cold Wars, was doing). For the most part, the series stayed true to this original concept. The Enterprise, like the wagon train, or Mick Jagger, traveled from town to town and met weird and exotic people along the way. And Kirk got some.

And as the Enterprise explored the galaxy, the crew took with it a little of each new civilization's ways. Despite the Prime Directive (of non-interference...can you say "Vietnam," anyone?), it left behind some good old-fashioned earth values. Kirk and the Gang, despite lip service to said Prime Directive, more often than not managed to right whatever crazy alien world social wrong they encountered. From freeing the oppressed to correcting inequalities to turning off the computers that were ruining their lives (even if they didn't know it), the Enterprise often functioned like an interstellar Endeavour, finding new worlds and using some basic American know-how to fix the galaxy's problems. Or to get the hell off the planet one step ahead of the cops or angry husbands and fathers. And meet hot green women.

I say American know-how, despite the fact that the crew resembled some sort of Rainbow Coalition welcome wagon. Whites, blacks, Asians, Indians, Russians, Scottish, Irish, Hispanics, women, men, Vulcans...anyone and everyone you can think of. A veritable census form sprung to life. All they were missing were the Village People. Mind you, this show happened when only men could serve on naval vessels or in combat, and few minorities served in the officer ranks. But everyone on the Enterprise seemed totally groovy man about the diversity. Every now and then Kirk would smugly school some racist or sexist alien leader about how the Federation is cool racially and socially, and hey, its not like I can interfere with your world or anything, but you're pretty barbaric unless you are too. Of course, unsaid is that the head guys were still white men, and a good percentage of the women and minorities held either bit parts or were Kirk dating material. The Red Shirts (i.e. "cannon fodder") were largely (a) male and (b) minorities. Remember that one guy who got turned into a ball of salt which the alien crushed (Sodom and Gomorrah allusion)? Black. Though one of the head guys was a pointy-eared freak, as McCoy frequently observed. McCoy served as the token closet racist sympathizer, I suppose (he spoke with a southern accent when drunk, thus predicting that 500 years from now everyone in the South will still be racists), though only against Vulcans. Nichelle Nichols, who played Uhura, famously grew so frustrated at her small part that she threatened to quit the show. But no less than Dr. Martin Luther King talked her out of it, convincing her that it was important for a black person to appear on network television in a regular role, no matter how small, playing an officer in an authority position. Lucky her, she got to participate in American television's first interracial kiss. Guess who with? This sounds tame today, but in 1966, on one of the major television networks, this was borderline subversive. Remember, this was still the era when Dean and Frank could fill a half hour show with little more than a few songs and racist jokes about Sammy and the Golddiggers prance around the stage.

Not to mention the imagination that Roddenberry and Co. brought to bear. Other than the warp drive, food replicators, and the transporter, a lot of Star Trek technological fantasies have happened in our lives. The medical scanner, the "communicator," the electronic tools, complex computers with vocal recognition (Siri, anyone?), handheld computers, books on computers, "shuttle craft," electronic games, phasers...all of these things which seemed fantastical in the 1960s exist today in some form.

Kirk, Spock, and McCoy pretty much were the show. Everyone else just added dimension. Even Scotty. You know how in "group" shows like MASH or Sex and the City or Friends, each group member represents a different archetype? Same with Star Trek. Spock acted entirely (actually, mostly) on logic, while McCoy, although a doctor and scientist, acted more impulsively and emotionally. Kirk was in the middle, part cowboy and part statesman. McCoy and Spock functioned like some sort of angel/devil on each shoulder, trying to bolster their respective sides of Kirk's character. As Captain, Kirk tried to remain steadfast, calm, and disciplined in every situation. But as explorer and soldier, Kirk could lash out, bluff, take unreasonable chances, and act irrationally. Repeated episodes showed Kirk trying to apply his emotions constructively, balancing them against reason. The three thereby played out a central human conundrum--whether to go with your heart or your head. Or in Kirk's case, figure out whether there's enough time to score with the hot alien chick and beam back up before the ship explodes.

People have written ad nauseum about Star Trek, so there's not much left to say. But I want to address a couple of things. First, the common perception that William Shatner just hammed it up and severely overacted as Kirk. That's just not true. People remember it that way largely owing to some admittedly hammy acting in later efforts such as T.J. Hooker or the Trek movies. Or his "albums," or whatever those were. Rocket Man? Thirty years later and that still makes no sense. But he actually played it pretty straight during Star Trek. Oh sure, he'd drop some real cheese every now and then. Like the time his "good" personality and his "bad" personality wind up in two different Kirks, and he loses his shit in the elevator (or was it a "turbo lift"?). But mostly, Shatner kept it under wraps. Which makes sense actually, because Kirk is supposed to exhibit steadfastness, control, and leadership. If he pranced around a la his $20,000 Pyramid antics, no one would have taken Kirk seriously. In fact, Roddenberry intended the Kirk character to portray a man battling to control his impulsiveness and recklessness. Roddenberry's original pitch, linked above, described the Captain (at the time named "Robert April") as "capable of action and decision which can verge on the heroic" yet "his primary weakness is a predilection to take action over administration" and to "continually fight the temptation to risk many to save one." Roddenberry described the Captain as "a colorfully complex personality," and Shatner actually captured that concept very well. So back off of Shatner already

I also want to mention the music. For TV theme music, its wonderfully compelling. You hear that music and you instantly think "Star Trek." You remember it years after the last time you watched the show. Its completely ingrained in the show. It forcefully advanced the plot, set the appropriate mood, and helped create that "futuristic space" atmosphere. So many shows after Star Trek have used its music in snippets (almost like "sampling"), particularly South Park. Alexander Courage wrote the famous opening music (over which Shatner voiced his "space, the final frontier...." rap). Courage had written music for hundreds of movies and TV shows, also arranged and orchestrated MGM musical scores. Others I've never heard of wrote the themes playing throughout the episodes. That music has become iconic. Amazon lists a box set of the original series soundtracks for $249.  Or you can get the 15CD set here. Or what I'm really trying to say is...I would really appreciate anyone who gave me this for my birthday.

So now we come to the list:

5. Amok Time. I almost didn't include this one, but it made nearly all the other "best Star Trek episode" lists, so I succumbed to peer pressure. (Oh, yeah, other people already had this idea, go figure). This is the one where Spock gets all spring fever-ish 'cause its once every seven years (BTW, if Vulcans mate only once every seven years...there must not be that many of them, and they probably don't have any professional basketball players) and has to go back to Vulcan to mate. Only he gets there and his arranged marriage bride T'Pring is running around on him and makes him fight Kirk to the death. Typical woman. The episode features some fantastic Kirk-Spock character development, and represents one of the very few times the ship visited Vulcan. Viewers learned a lot about Spock and his complicated childhood and emotional battle. Then Kirk and Spock had that awesome fight with the weird traditional Vulcan weapons (guess it wouldn't have been much of a fight if they gave them both phasers) and the brass-heavy, tension-filled music accompanying it. I nearly didn't include this episode because even though it features first rate acting and an interesting story, it didn't particularly advance any great truths or dramatize the human condition. Or Vulcan condition for that matter. What's the lesson here? Give a Vulcan a wide berth during the Pon Farr? Oh, I suppose there's some universal message about no matter how sophisticated we become, we're all really still animals. But whatevs.

4. Court Martial.  By contrast, this one never makes anyone's "best of" lists. But that's because they're ignoring the brilliance of one Samuel T. Cogley, Esq., Attorney at Law. Kirk gets railroaded on some bogus charge about killing one of his crew members, because, as it turns out, a computer log erroneously showed Kirk "jettisoning the pod" before warning some long-since left behind rival whom Kirk had assigned to the pod to get out. And the prosecutor? One of Kirk's old girlfriends. Guess what comes around goes around, huh big guy? That's the downside of getting with every woman this side of Jupiter. Spock discovers the computer error after beating the computer at chess. Natch. Cogley, played by gifted character actor Elisha Cook (who had roles in such greats as Rosemary's Baby, Shane, the Maltese Falcon and The Big Sleep), was the old crank lawyer defending Kirk  against seemingly insurmountable evidence--the computer's assumed infallibility. Cogley passionately rails against the computer and pleads for the dignity of man against the machines' inhumanity. He rips off some great lines about how computers can never replace man, and how books contain all mankind's essential truths, not computers. That, and my next entry, really illustrate one of Star Trek's major themes-man against the dehumanizing machine. The Sixties witnessed the computers' initial rise,  as well as fantastically (for the time) complicated technology seemingly beyond most people's comprehension entering our lives. MICROWAVES YALL!!! They evoked the spectre of machines dominating, rather than serving, man. Much popular science fiction explored that theme, but this and other lesser episodes really dramatically made the point. Here, much like in Westerns where the hero rode out to face the villains singlehandedly, Cogley on Kirk's behalf took on the seemingly impossible task of cross-examining the one witness against Kirk--the computer. A witness that could not bear cross-examination. This story continues to resonate today, as so many lawsuits and criminal prosecution involve "technology" as the witness: DNA testing, surveillance data, computer and cell phone records, and the like. Computers and communication technology touch nearly every move we make. On the one hand it makes many tasks easier, but how much humanity do we sacrifice as computers take control of more and more of our lives? This episode memorably raises that question.

3. The Doomsday Machine. My other "machines gone wild" episode. Some civilization from eons ago built this huge "planet killer" device, which somehow kept on destroying planets long after its builders became extinct. The USS Constellation stumbled upon it, and the machine kicked the hell out of it. Then the Enterprise came to the rescue and a pretty gripping power struggle between the Constellation's higher ranking captain (played by the inestimable William Windom) and Kirk ensued. Eventually they defeat the machine by exploding the Constellation's burned out hull inside it. Again, the show casts the machines as inherently beyond human control and when so, capable of destroying everything they touch. The episode implicitly warns about rapid technology growth, spiraling beyond man's ability to control it. Today we still struggle with how to apply certain technology ethically, and to control its effects. We question how (and whether) to use genetically modified crops, nuclear power plants, gasoline, abortion, to prolong life medically, to alter chromosomes, to use human stem cells. Or maybe the whole episode was a pollution metaphor. We may know how to do things, but not how to control or harness all our technology safely.

2. Mirror, Mirror. This is where the landing crew beams back to the ship, only to find out they've entered some evil parallel universe where the Enterprise operates like some pirate ship. Not like a fun Capt. Jack Sparrow pirate ship, mind you, but a real, kill someone for looking at you wrong kind of ship. Everyone's in a bad mood, everyone carries around knives and periodically whacks their crewmates and takes their jobs. And Spock has a really fetch goatee. Yeah, I know, shades of Dr. Evil ("an evil petting zoo?"). So to survive long enough to figure out how to get back to their own universe, where everyone is nice and not a murdering cutthroat, they have to at least pretend to be tough enough to allay suspicions. Its sort of the Star Trek version of that Stir Crazy scene where Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder go to prison and try to act tough enough to keep the other prisoners from attacking them ("that's right, we bad"). This episode raises a couple of really interesting concepts. First, the whole "alternate universe." What if we lived in a world that was different in a particular way? How would we cope? Could we succeed if violence and not law, for example, kept society in order? What if civilization had evolved in a way that led us down that kind of  a different path? The other related issue is how would we adjust to such a different society if suddenly and unexpectedly thrust into it? And having spent our lives essentially trying to be "good" and to follow the law, how would we fare if required to act as savages? If suddenly plunked into a high tech Lord of the Flies island? The Enterprise landing party fared well enough, though by the time they figured out how to get back home the Alternate Enterprise crew was on to them. But even though civilized, they did hold the wolves at bay long enough to survive. Oh, and South Park famously lifted this premise for the Evil Cartman episode (Cartman has the same beard Spock wore in this episode), which spawned the insanely brilliant  "Best Friends" song.

1. The City on the Edge of Forever. "Edith Keeler." The greatest Star Trek episode, and pretty much universally regarded as such. In fact, one of the greatest television shows ever. McCoy gets whacked out on some drug meant for Sulu, beams himself down to the Planet of the Week, which oh by the way just happens to have a fully functioning time machine not in a hot tub. Kirk and Spock go after him, and no sooner do they arrive than they find out the Enterprise has vanished, and all of human history after the point where McCoy went back in time has been altered. They are utterly marooned, so they go through the time machine to find McCoy and to straighten out the time line. They find themselves in pre-World War II America. Of course, Kirk manages to find pre-Dynasty Joan Collins as a do-gooder running a soup kitchen, a la Sergeant Sarah Brown from Guys and Dolls, falls in love in about 20 minutes, then has to give that up when he finds out that if they let Edith Keeler live it somehow lets Hitler win World War II and enslave the Earth. Well, its a little more complicated but that's the gist of it. Written largely by the famous science fiction writer Harlan Ellison, the episode won a Hugo Award. Its spectacularly well written and acted. More so than any other episode, it fully confronts the moral dilemma--would you sacrifice one life to save millions? And it calls upon Kirk to do something utterly foreign to his nature, giving up not only the woman, but a woman with whom he, lone wolf Kirk, has fallen in love, to save the greater good of humanity? Its kind of the same choice that Bogart made in Casablanca, taking one for the team. Later, Star Trek II posed the same choice on a more overwrought scale, with the whole "needs of the many versus the few or the one" scene. The episode also evokes the Sixties peace movement. If she lived, Edith Keeler would have led a successful peace movement that delayed US entry into World War II, long enough for Hitler to develop nuclear weapons. Kirk said, "she was right, peace was the way." To which Spock replied "yes, she was right...but at the wrong time." This could well have described arguments for and against the Vietnam War, or any war for that matter. And, its the only time in the whole series that anyone said "hell" (or any other "bad word").

Honorable Mention: Balance of Terror. That's the one where they chase the Romulan cruiser back to the Neutral Zone, eventually destroying it, but not after gaining some respect for the Romulans' tenacity and its commander's integrity.

NEXT-Top 5 Diseases? Really? We'll have to see about that. 

Top 5 Worst Hollywood Kid Names

And he said: "Son, this world is rough
And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
And I knew I wouldn't be there to help ya along.
So I give ya that name and I said goodbye
I knew you'd have to get tough or die
And it's the name that helped to make you strong."
--Johnny Cash, A Boy Named Sue

What's in a name?
That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
--Romeo and Juliet (Act II, sc. ii)

Your daily Shakespeare lesson: that line comes from the balcony scene. Juliet says, essentially, that the family schism keeping them from marrying (sidebar--they were 16, gross) amounts to no more than their having the wrong last names. So "tis but thy name that is my enemy," not Romeo. That Romeo is not simply a "Montague," but would be just as much the same person if he had any other name.

Really? Tell that to any Kennedy. Or Bush. Or to Frances Gumm, Marion Morrison, Archie Leach, Natalie Hershlag, Allen Konigsberg, Richard Starkey, or Jennifer Anastassakis. Or as you know them, Judy Garland, John Wayne, Cary Grant, Natalie Portman, Woody Allen, Ringo Starr, and Jennifer Aniston. Why change your name if there's nothing to a name?

As a child of the '60s, literally, I've met my fair share of Cinnamons, and Freedoms, and Sunshines, and Destinys. Note to free-spirited parents: the line between a new age name that breaks with outmoded socially confining dogma, and a stripper name, is ever so slight. But the recent spate of "they named her WHAT!!" is really getting out of hand. "North West"? Why not just put her on a pole right now? Like her mother. BTW, I don't get it. If the mother and father aren't married, like that unfortunate girl's parents, the baby has the mother's surname. So it would be "North Kardashian." And wouldn't she want to preserve the "Kardashian" name for marketing purposes?

Well, whatever. Its everywhere. And its getting out of control. Zuma Nesta Rock (Gwyn Stefani and Gavin Rossdale), Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette), Audio Science (Shannyn Sossamon), Rebel (Robert Rodriguez), and Kyd (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni) all come to mind.

Come on, people. Your child is not a canvas where you can parade your hippy dippy world views. Naming your child "Pilot Inspektor," Jason Lee may strike a blow against conformity, but little Pilot's going to have to pay on the playgrounds at least until he's 12. The "k" was a nice touch, by the way. So he'll be forced to repeat it several times as teachers ask, in front of his class, "how is that spelled again?" Snicker, snicker, snicker. Cut to little Pilot at age 20 pulling up to the Lee home on a stolen Harley, with coke smeared all over his multiply-pierced nose, introducing you to his new "bitch" whom "you can just call Slash" while they "crash here til the heat dies down." You probably won't notice her face tattoos or never healing rashes, though you will wonder why you can't seem to find any of your cash.

Here's a thought. Its pretty weird, so just go with it for a sec. How about you name your child something normal?  Like, I don't know, "Bill" or "Mark" or "Brian"? Or "Deborah"? Those are nice names. Their little friends won't tease them mercilessly as children. You can still raise them to hate the Establishment as much as you want, of course. And they may still wind up on an episode of Cops one day, but at least you want be pushing them into it, like if you name your child "Jermajesty Jackson." Just like Jermaine Jackson did. I know being in that family pretty much ensures your life will wind up on TMZ, but that boulder was born rolling down the hill. You didn't need to push it. If you want to say something to the world through a name, how about you change your own name?  Just try and use an actually pronounceable word. Prince.  None of this "artist formerly known as" business.

Here's the worst, out of a big group:

5. Apple Martin. Fruit? Nice thinking Gwyneth. She explained (on Oprah, of course) that she thought the name sounded "wholesome" and "clean." So does "vanilla" but you wouldn't name your kid after it. That kid is lucky if "Apple Martini" is the worst thing she hears.

4. Chastity Bono Sonny and Cher's kid later became a transsexual and took the name "Chaz." Cause no one could have seen that coming. At all. When your mom later marries Gregg Allman, and then becomes...Cher...the deck is pretty much stacked against you. The name just puts you on the crazy train to "Hey its Pat!" -ville. He/she actually looks a little like Alec Baldwin now, so maybe that was the right move.  

3. Blanket Jackson. OK, if you're Michael Jackson's kid, you've got at least one thing going for you. You can never become your family's biggest freak. And you'll have money. That's about where the good things end. This poor kid's gonna be lugging that name around life like Linus and his...blanket. Sorry, too good to pass up. The kid's legal name is "Prince Michael II," so at least he's got some non-regal name to use. I suppose Mike could have picked "Action," so it could have been worse. Hey, its not like his dad ever dangled him off a hotel balcony or anything. Oh, wait.

2. Kal-El Cage. Nicolas Cage...you've got a lot of problems. We get it. Marrying Lisa Marie Presley just because you like Elvis. Got it. Throwing away all your money on cars and real estate. Sure. Having the IRS file tax liens against you. Hey, been there, right? Getting arrested for domestic abuse. Of course. So far, that's all just living the Baller Lifestyle. But naming your kid after Superman? Nic...dammit. How many times is your boy gonna have some little punk come up on him and knock him down and say "not so Super now are ya"? Or "where's your cape"? Or a million other things. I know, I know, he'll go to some super snobby private school. Cause those places never have any hazing at all. Nice going, Tiny Elvis.

1. Tu Morrow. In case you don't know, Rob Morrow was the uptight Jewish doctor (no stereotype there) on Northern Exposure. Good show. Irritating character. I think he went on to some crime show later, where he used his math skills to solve crimes. I guess it would be like Matt Damon's character from Good Will Hunting becoming a detective. No trench coats or capes though. Anyhow, Morrow apparently had a little girl. And what did he decide to name his darling daughter? The precious little angel, sent from heaven? Full of sugar and spice and everything nice? "Tu." Just...Tu.  Not "Et Tu" or "Tu Tu" but just "Tu." Making for "Tu Morrow." Because of course he would. He's an artist.  And apparently the mother is completely insane too. There's a couple of middle names, but the damage has been done. "Tu Morrow"? Bad for the look! That kid better get comfortable with Annie.

Honorable Mention: Bear Blu Silverstone. And all of Brad Pitt's and Angelina Jolie's child menagerie.

NEXT-Top 5 Original Star Trek Episodes. From the NBC series. Hint: its mostly episodes where Kirk hooks up and Spock and McCoy get into a fight.

Top 5: Reasons Tom Cruise Needs to Come Out

Already.

Everyone's celebrating Defense of Marriage Act defeat day, which actually was earlier this week, and oh hey look, its time for the next Top 5 entry, Reasons Tom Cruise Should Come Out. Obviously I knew a month ago the Supreme Court would rule as they did, and timed my posts to reach this one exactly in time. Almost. As governments across the land attempt to implement the ruling, and as our society tries to absorb how it will affect our lives, I want to consider how it will affect our National Treasure, one Thomas Cruise Mapother IV.

You know...Maverick?

I really never got why Maverick got all the run in Top Gun. Viper was the real stud. He routinely beat all the "best of the best" pilots in every dogfight. He knew all the best maneuvers.  He had a cool house right on the coast. He was a Vietnam combat ace who flew with Maverick's dad. And in a Navy full of guys with mustaches, he had the most glorious one of them all. He was a total Boss in every way. But I guess the Maverick-Viper love story was too compelling, thereby hijacking Viper's rightful glory.

What's the most radical and accelerated change our country has experienced in the last quarter century? Public attitudes toward homosexuality. The American Psychiatric Association still classified it as a mental illness well into the 1970s. Many states criminalized it well into the 1980s, which the US Supreme Court famously upheld in the 1986 case Bowers v. Hardwick.  Cut to today, just 25 years later, where the Supreme Court has not only overturned its Bowers opinion, but invalidated the Defense of Marriage Act, which denied federal benefits to gay couples legally married under their state's laws as against the Constitution.  All states have repealed criminal anti-sodomy laws. Many states have legalized gay marriage and prohibited sexual preference discrimination. Congress formally ended the "don't ask, don't tell" policy excluding homosexuals from the Armed Services. That all adds up to remarkably fast change. Gay rights may not play in Montgomery County, but they're picking up steam most places. Even the deep red states.

Hollywood and popular culture mostly have reflected, if not in many cases raced ahead of, the shift. Until the 1990s, the movie industry may have hired gay actors, directors, and other artists, but it quickly and ruthlessly suppressed any public expressions or even hints that its stars were gay. Despite fairly compelling evidence in many cases. Cause, you know, its one thing to depict wanton, graphic violence, but quite another for a known gay person to appear on screen. Or it would pass off "gayness" as comic flamboyance. I'm looking at you Paul Lynde (BTW, you were brilliant). Popular culture mostly fully accepts homosexuality today. Gays not only appear but often dominate movies, TV, plays, Netflix. For instance, there's this show called Glee. Movies, TV shows, plays, books and the like frequently contain gay characters and themes, even openly gay actors. "Coming out" no longer represents the kiss of career death.

Except for big time, leading man, action heroes. No gays allowed. Or at least actors known as gay (the "Rock Hudson exception"). I know, I know, all those Hollywood types got SOOO excited and sanctimonious about Philadelphia and Elton John and Brokeback Mountain and Hugh Jackman (how does this guy get cast in EVERYTHING? He's like the male Laura Linney, or the non-British Colin Firth). And I'm sure that the Great Gay Fast Cars, Wanton Death, and Explosions Movie is right around the corner. But Neil Patrick Harris ain't the next James Bond, no matter how well he acts. I have a theory about that. I have a theory about everything actually I just usually keep it to myself. Right or wrong, the American movie audience at least on some level wants to believe the actors on screen bear some similarities to their characters. They want to equate the actor and the character, at least in some sense. What else explains why some actors' careers tank when they do something objectionable off screen? Winona Ryder and Lindsay Lohan can probably act just as well as they ever did, but no one wants to see them play certain kinds of characters because few can separate their feelings about the actor from how they perceive their performances. When I see Gwyneth Paltrow on screen, for example...well, yall know where I'm going with this. Lindsay Lohan could probably still get a job playing a sexually confused, strung out cokehead diva (ACTING!!!), but she's not starring opposite Hugh Grant anytime soon. I suppose that Hollywood thinks the audience can't make the leap from an actor's known sexual preference to a character's opposite preference, thereby undermining ticket sales. No one cared whether actors like Farley Granger or Nathan Lane were gay because, well, obvi. Plus, they never made a career playing characters where part of the audience's belief in the character arises from believing the actor has those same qualities. Its like, remember that time Don Knotts played Dirty Harry? Exactly.

Why the History of Gays in America? What, no chapter on the Stonewall Riots? Well, its important to understand all this as we turn to how our nation's pre-eminent creepy uncle, Tom, should re-energize his career. No, really. Oh sure, its not as interesting as other really important things, like Hillary Clinton's latest hairstyle or what Taylor Swift wore to the Grammys or who won The Voice. The usual things that set the internet on fire. But the Cruise question merits considering, if for no reason other than so many people want to know. Witness the incredible South Park episode from a few years ago, with Stan and Randy Marsh famously begging Tom Cruise to come out of the closet. Don't we live in the "no privacy" age, where we insist on knowing everything about everyone? So we can, you know, judge them? And doesn't remaining closeted belittle and demean those with the courage to come out? I mean, a gay actor? Who'd believe it? Less condescendingly, stars like Cruise make millions by establishing and cultivating a "brand," which they sell like a product. It opens the door to better and more lucrative and challenging roles, endorsement deals, and social status. When we buy a movie ticket because of the star, or a magazine where they're on the cover or watch them on a talk show or donate to their charities or buy their endorsed products, we implicitly buy into the brand. If you pass yourself off as some macho he-man ass kicking, tail slaying character to sell tickets to your macho he-man, ass kicking, tail slaying movies, then you can't react in horror when people want to know whether you're really like that. So its deceptive and fraudulent, in that context, to portray yourself as something radically different from your true self.

So lets now turn to the issue at hand. No, not "is he" or "isn't he." Tom Cruise has repeatedly denied he's a homosexual. Really? Ok, that sounds about right. He has a string of ex-wives and adopted children (Rosie O'Donnell, anyone?). One ex-wife, the notoriously non-heinous looking Mimi Rogers, said their marriage ended largely because they did not have sex. He's meticulous about working out and having ever so precise hair. Both Family Guy and South Park have said he's gay, which is admissible evidence under the Federal Rules of Evidence.  He's filed, and then settled (i.e. without having to testify on his sexual preference under oath) several lawsuits against those who've alleged that he's gay. And, living legend (and part-time cadaver) Cher just now ranked him among her own Top 5 conquests (Cher, who's doing the Top 5 lists anyway, and thanks for making everyone throw up in their mouth a little). That pairing makes Liza Minnelli and David Gest seem totally normal. Child, please. My gaydar may not work too well, but Priscilla Queen of the Desert thinks Tom's a little swishy.  The Top Gun volleyball scene and his ride on Oprah's couch say Tom gets extra twitch when RuPaul's Drag Race comes on. Or Canadian Football. "Playing With the Boys" indeed. And all that time he spends with John Travolta. Let's not waste time wondering whether all that water coming from the sky is rain, mmm kay?

So, why hide it? Dude doesn't want to kill the golden goose. Movie roles. Blockbuster, leading man (read "butch"), big-time payday movie roles. See above harangue about Hollywood not hiring the gays for these roles.

Now, I'm often wrong, but there's something to this. Bosnian Serb war atrocities were more sexually provocative than that Tom Cruise-Kelly McGillis sex scene. Take my breath away. And my eyesight. Its more like some 1970s "sexual harassment comes in many forms" educational video than a Hollywood love scene. Hard to say who needed more crisis counseling afterwards, Tom or Kelly. Or the audience that had to watch that dumpster fire. The Super Bowl ad where Bar Rafaeli kisses the nerdy kid thought that scene was a little awkward. (Warning: don't watch that after having just eaten). That's because you know they're both gay. That's what makes it creepy. Well, that and the fact that they're both so obviously wishing they were anywhere else at the time.

So here's why Tommy Boy should just come out already.

5. Best Not to Carry On a Farce. Hasn't it gotten to where you can only manage to snicker when you hear "Tom Cruise"? Yeah, part of that comes from the whole Scientology deal, but some are convinced the Scientology deal just provides a cover (or a "cure") for the gay deal. At some point, doesn't it become exhausting living the lie? Exhausting, and embarrassing?

4. Will Get Better Roles. The same reason he can't continue to swing big time leading man roles now is the same reason he could shine in more interesting and challenging roles fronting independent movies, or character roles in mainstream movies. Freed from living up to the straight, macho, ladies man stereotype image (ok, of trying to maintain the pretense I mean), he can break out of those constraints and take on meatier, more challenging, albeit less mack daddyish roles. His career could enter its Gielgud phase. Sort of.

3. He Can Begin his Public Image Rehabilitation. Post Oprah couch diving, most people regard Cruise as a freak at best, and a public safety threat at worst. I tend to think public safety threat, but in fairness so is most of Actor's Equity when you get down to it. Overdid it much? Yeah, you could say that. So, just like so many other celebrities who've gone round the bend, Tom needs to fess up so that America can take him back. As exhaustively discussed earlier, there's not nearly so much gay antipathy now. Oh sure, a bunch of old guys won't ever come around, but who cares? They don't go to movies. All he needs to care about is that 18-45 age demographic who do. Or who buy DVDs and such. That's an age range that more and more doesn't have nearly as much against gay actors as weirdo freak actors. Best to tone down all the Scientology/Matt Lauer rants too, while he's at it. Brooke Shields would certainly appreciate it.

2. Ends the Imprisonment Threat To Future Tom Cruise "Wives." The whole Planet of the Apes-style human wife roundups that Scientology carries out looking for Cruise's future wives makes any smoking hot/marginally talented actress a potential sex trafficking victim. To protect all the rail thin, normal wife-looking actresses from such abduction, we have to end this charade. Then we can worry about protecting Abercrombie and Fitch male model types from the roundups. Now that, you know, gay marriage is mostly legal and everything.

1. He's Got Nowhere Else to Go. Oh, sorry, that's a Richard Gere line. Funny how he comes to mind too. Other than Mission Impossible remakes, Tom Cruise's days as a blockbuster leading man have just about run out. Its not just that dude is 50, he's an Old 50. He's been in movies, tabloids, talk shows, everywhere, since he was 19. The gross keeps shrinking and shrinking. OK, no jokes there. Fewer and fewer people are coming out (no pun intended) to see his movies. Its time to shake up his career and begin its Lifetime Achievement Award phase. Does he really want to wind up like Arnold Schwarzenegger, being a steroided out 90 year old husk trying to make Terminator 15? How better to do that than to come clean with who he is, and stretch into other movie types.

To part, I give you the one, the only...Volleyball Scene.  Enjoy. Try not to turn gay watching it. Best to watch it in bits and pieces. Twenty seconds here, 45 seconds there. And thanks Goose for keeping your shirt on.

NEXT- Top 5 Worst Hollywood Kid Names. Apple Martin, meet North West.

Top 5: Bad Women's Hairstyles

Another of those "what was I thinking?" list elements. Something must have distracted me when I wrote the original 30 for 30 list. Maybe the Spurs-Warriors were on that night. All I know is, its turning out to be more like 10 good lists and 20 "who cares" lists.

 Like this one. Women's hairstyles? Because, I don't know, the beehive may come back and you might have to decide whether to look like Marge Simpson just to stay fashionable?

And, as someone who's not exactly a "hairdresser," I'm not sure what I can contribute.

On the other hand, I do have experience. Looking at women for the better part of 35 years, and knowing what works and what doesn't, should count for something.

And having amassed such experience, let me just tell you...hair matters. I notice hair first. Its a woman's crown. Its the one thing you carry around with you everywhere that distinguishes you from all the other women. Dull, mousy, utilitarian hair says "I've given in to defeat. And French fries." Full, lustrous, flowing hair says, "I'm a winner, and that bitch Heather in HR can suck it." Ok, it doesn't literally say that, but that kind of captures the spirit of the thing.

I'm only talking about hairstyles within our memory and experience. I'm sure Philistine women were rocking some serious Scare Hair. Or Bathsheba. Or Cleopatra. And no doubt pygmy tribe women living along the Amazon are rocking some seriously creative coifs, lacking ready access to Vogue and the latest Rihanna videos and all.

I'm also not getting into hair quality itself. These cuts would make a Victoria Secret model look like a Gary Busey's mug shot.

Nor do we consider "art hair." You know, like an "art car," one of those decorated cars like with model dinosaurs and Sleestak all over it, that parade around in the Heights? Except, with hair. Also known as "shock and awe hair." 

5. Corn rows.

Yeah, see this is a disaster. I don't care how hot you are, Bo Derek in 10, I see those corn rows and all I can think is Stevie Wonder. Its like one step above the Medusa and all those hair snakes.

4. The Bowl.

 Including the Dorothy Hamill variant.

Somewhere Mary Ann Schutte is super pissed and doesn't even know why. Looking like Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is no way to go through life, hun. Unless you're hoping to put out a Rubber Soul tribute album, you need to get a real hairdo.

3. Perm.

Once upon a time, in the 1980s, a lot of things happened that are best forgotten. Like perms. I mean, its generally ok to look like Sarah Jessica Parker, but try to shoot for LA Story SJP ("SanDeE*") and not so much Carrie Bradshaw (see above).

2. The Rachel.

Jennifer Aniston is sort of '90s Heather Locklear, though unlike Heather, Jennifer can't seem to close the deal with rock stars. Signed, John Mayer. This hair style was pretty great for about the first six months, before Friends began rotting brains everywhere. Unlike the others, its not inherently putrid. But you know how in the '60s on TV people would talk about how Sammy Davis, Jr. and Sidney Poitier were a credit to their race? Yeah, Friends would be the opposite of that for whites. So after we had to see this hairstyle show up EVERYWHERE (tractor pulls, dentists' reception rooms, bus stops, the mall), pulling the plug was long overdue. Wear this to your '90s retro theme parties, and nowhere else.

1. This:

Sooo...what'cha got goin' on there, January? A couple of mating yarn balls with a little bitty bow tie is what it looks like. Or tribble hair. You're totally smokin' hot and all, but really, this should never have happened. Ever. Not even on Mad Men.


Hon. mention: the beehive, Mary Gross hair, mixmaster hair, Rosanne Rosannadanna hair

NEXT-Top 5: Reasons Tom Cruise Should Come Out. You can be my wingman anytime!

Top 5: Board Games

Do not pass "Go." Do not collect $200

Ok, this was supposed to be Top 5: Pickup Lines. But then it dawned on me that since taking this little thing private (except for the NSA, hey guys, call me...), the readership now largely consists of women and married men, a post about the best pickup lines probably won't educate and inform. You know, like I always do. Besides, I'd have just said something about how pickup lines don't really work because what a woman thinks of you mostly doesn't have anything to do with what you say. Its more about how you say it. You're usually better off saying something like "Hi, I'm Chris." Assuming your name is Chris, that is. BTW, best pickup line I've ever heard (spoken to two women who appeared to be a mother and daughter), "Did you two just get back from Glamour Shots?" Obviously, by Top 5 pickup lines, I meant Top 5 worst pickup lines.

Instead, let's talk about yet another wonderful thing that computers and electronics are killing off: board games.

Most of you grew up playing board games, and maybe played them with your kids. Or, I don't know, whenever the couples from up the street would come over for dinner. Hey, at least its not Pictionary. We played them frequently when I was a kid. Clue, Life, Risk, Operation, Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land. "Candy Land." What was that? How many '70s freaks bought that thinking it was something else?

Or Twister. Which really wasn't a board game but on the surface seemed like one, kind of. All those '60s weirdoes played Twister as some sort of faux group sex aesthetic. I suppose if you're going to bestow your swinger's pad with shag carpet, a hanging lamp, and your Herb Alpert albums, Twister does seem like the inevitable post-fondue icebreaker, right before you see if anyone wants to "smoke some grass." Inviting people over to play Twister is like one step before hosting your own key party. Make sure to have plenty of hand sanitizer...on hand. "Right foot blue!" But, what if you're color blind?

Board games were great because you had to interact with the other players, generally leading to light, enjoyable conversation. The good ones also required you to think about the game strategy so that you would make the right decisions. This spared you having to talk about Reagan's chances to win the nomination, or whether you liked the latest Woody Allen movie. You could take breaks and down time to consider your next moves, and change teams so that everyone could play on everyone else's side. The games themselves might involve something bad like going to jail or someone being murdered, but its all hypothetical and certainly not depicted. I'm not a "gamer," but modern computer games or game systems seem devoid of all these aspects. You're playing yourself, or if you're on a team you're not particularly interacting with anyone else. You don't make decisions so much as react to the screen action. The only decision is "shoot" or "don't shoot," or "speed up" or "slow down." You're not thinking creatively. And then there's all the Grand Theft Auto family of games with graphic violence and so forth. Charming. It could be worse, of course. It could be FarmVille.

Plus, board games can easily become drinking games. If you're into that sort of thing.

A good board game involves deliberation, thought, and strategy. It must be winnable within a reasonable amount of time. It should be competitive, but not overly so. Above all it should be fun for all the players. And it should allow for more than two players so it can become a group activity. That's why chess, checkers, and backgammon don't make my cut.

Here's my Top 5.

5.Clue. How many board games became a movie? True, it was a bad movie, but still. Any movie with Tim Curry and Madeline Kahn can't be utterly without merit. Clue involves sleuthing. Solve the murder. It reeks of Agatha Christie, which is a good thing. You work with the clues that come out on each player's turn, and deduce the murderer, the weapon, and the location within the home where the crime occurred. True, its not as exotic as CSI: Miami, but

4. Scrabble. Everyone's played Scrabble, right? Stop reading my blog if you haven't. It rewards the intelligent and the well-read, as opposed to any idiot who can plop down enough money to buy a video game. Plus, different outcomes are possible in every game and over the years, as the English language continues to evolve. "Sexting" anyone?

3. Risk. You know that annoying and preachy movie from the early '80s called War Games? That was about some scientist type who spent his military grant developing a computer that could play games, and then realized he had to demonstrate some actual application for it so he hooked it up to the mainframe at NORAD.  The predictable "on the brink of nuclear holocaust" hilarity and preachiness ensued, with Ferris Bueller eventually saving the world. Totally believable, right? Anyway, Risk is kind of like global thermonuclear war. Sort of. Except it involves building up armies throughout the world, taking over countries, being invaded. You have to decide when to strike against your neighbors or instead when to bide your time (basically you have to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em). You must carefully devise your world domination strategy carefully, and manage the inevitable tactical and strategic setbacks. And, with more capable players, manage your diplomatic efforts in parallel with your military decisions. Because what's not to like about a game teaching adolescents the skills needed to conquer the world?

2. Trivial Pursuit. A different kind of board game. Its not far removed from a 1950s game show, actually. Six categories of questions, and you have to answer trivia questions to win. Rewarding not just the intelligent but also those with good memory and with broad knowledge. As the game grew in popularity throughout the '80s, different editions came out focusing more specifically on certain categories. Like a sports Trivial Pursuit or a Hollywood Trivial Pursuit. Lots of fun to have around when you've run out of things to say.

1. Monopoly. Far and away the best board game. Its THE board game. What's more American than a game that teaches cut-throat, ruthless, unforgiving capitalism? The accumulation and enjoyment of wealth? And the cold hard reality of business failure? To succeed, one must manage one's money and assets properly, protect one's cash flow, form business partnerships and know when to dissolve them. And pick the coolest token (I prefer the top hat, of course, or the thimble if the hat's not available. I don't think they had the battleship when I was a kid.). The game could go on and on, eventually offering the sweet sweet rush of bankrupting one's opponents. "Oooh, you landed on Boardwalk, where I have a hotel, the rent is $2,000...you don't have it? Oooh, I'm sorry..." Monopoly is clearly the best board game.

NEXT--Top 5 Bad Women's Hairstyles. Mary Stuart Masterson in Some Kind of Wonderful is getting very nervous.

Top 5: Most Annoying/Hated Movie Characters

Hissssssss

Well here it is, another Friday night. Am I riding in the limo and sipping Dom Perignon with my Victoria Secret supermodel girlfriend en route to some insanely exclusive party? Uh, not so much. If by "insanely exclusive party" you mean eating leftover chicken and writing in some online web site questionably called "Daily Affirmations," then, yeah, its an exclusive party. Not exactly a Baller Lifestyle night. Somewhere in the ethereal plane, 16 year old Chris Reeder is consumed with bitterness but doesn't know why.

But as long as I'm doing this, I may as well start. I had planned to go to the Republic of Texas Rally and Parade tonight. Its one of the biggest motorcycle events in the country, and I enjoy seeing the never-ending motorcycles and riders, as well as the entire crazy scene (#bikerchicks). But Holy Gridlock Batman! It took me about half an hour just to make it the 11 blocks from my office at Cesar Chavez and Congress to 11th Street, thanks to road closures, beer trucks parked in and taking up an entire lane, road construction, and a sinkhole, that's right a sinkhole, on Cesar Chavez near IH-35. Downtown Austin is the City of Gridlock just on a normal night. All those other factors made it look like the Hurricane Rita evacuation. Or Mexico City. I have no idea what's next. Over 180 people move to Austin every day, and they all seem to drive downtown every Friday and Saturday night. 'Cause no weekend is complete without spending some time at J. Black's Feel Good Kitchen and Lounge. I'm like totally rolling my eyes as I write that. And when they're not downtown, they're parking in front of my house to go to Zilker Park or Auditorium Shores. So with downtown resembling wartime Sarajevo, I figured I had better things to do than brave the carnage.

Call me a wuss. I decided not to do Top 5: Soul Brothers. Maybe one day when people aren't so touchy and I don't have a career to protect I can write such things. But for now, its like Michael Scott said, you can't be funny anymore.

So I'm instead exercising my Executive Privilege to substitute a new list. Most Annoying Movie Characters.

I saw The Sound of Music last weekend at the Paramount, as many of you know. It was the "sing along" version, where people not only sing the songs (I didn't) but are encouraged to talk and scream at the characters. How that's different from any other movies these days, I'm not exactly sure. Anyway, I noticed that people relentlessly hissed and booed anytime the evil Baroness Schrader came on screen. Not just at first but the whole movie. I'd experienced this before at the Paramount, even in a non-sing-a-long version. People just don't like the Baroness.

As she continued spewing hate speech, anti-nun, syrupy sweet venom against Julie Andrews, I became more and more annoyed at her. It made me recall other movie characters who made my skin crawl. They serve as necessary plot points, but in some cases, the villain either goes so far or becomes so creepy and gross that every moment they appear on screen pushes you that much closer to therapy. I'm not talking so much about the truly horrible, disgusting, personifications of evil in deadly serious movies. You know, like Tom Cruise in...everything. No, I'm talking about the second-level villains. The ones that aren't so much evil as incredibly, mind-numbingly annoying. The ones you'd like to just grab by the shirt and bitch slap. The Frank Burns of movie characters.

Here's my list of the worst and most annoying movie characters.

5. Baroness Schraeder (The Sound of Music). Penciled on eye-brows? Check. Inappropriately dressy day-wear? Check. Evil machinations to ship the adorable kids to boarding school and turn Capt. Von Trapp's mind into Styrofoam? Check. Geez, what a jerk. She can't play ball toss with the children, or do much of anything but sit her bony self around and cast evil glances in Maria's directions (or roll her eyes in Gay Uncle Max's direction at the general proceedings). Guilting Maria into leaving the house, then offering to do anything she can to help? You are one miserable ho, Baroness. Oh, and nice long-stem cigarette holder. Unless you're Holly Golightly, Jessica Rabbit, or Marlene Dietrich, go ahead and assume you should just never use one of those. Hey, if you don't have enough game to outduel someone from the nunnery, you should at least graciously concede defeat and go away so we won't have to spend the entire movie hissing at you.

4. Chet Donnelly (Weird Science). The Bill Paxton character, Anthony Michael Hall's psychotically abusive older brother. He's about as terrorizing in an ultimately non-threatening way as you can get, the perfect older brother punk. Like Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite, but ten times more evil. Kelly LeBrock gives it to him in the end, and not in a good way, turning him into a giant frog, or Jabba the Hut type creature. A fate too good for him.

3. Douglas C. Niedermeyer (Animal House). The quintessential bully/school terrorist/authority figure gone wrong. Niedermeyer is the rich Omega frat boys' Himmler to President Greg Marmalarde's Hitler. The ultimate Peter Principle jackass, achieving position by connection and wealth rather than talent. He possesses relentless, yet underachieving evil in spades. Or as Dean Wormer said, "Put Niedermeyer on it. He's a sneaky little shit, just like you." Yet for all his sinister plans, he can never execute them competently. This allows Flounder and the other Delta brothers to escape largely unscathed, and later prompts his own troops in Vietnam to "frag his ass." Oh, and nice cigarette holder, Niedermeyer. See above. You and the Baroness and Holly will no doubt enjoy many fun afternoons drinking tea and gabbing with the other girls.

2. Kevin Costner (in any movie). Its not that he's playing an annoying character so much; its more that he's so annoying that any character he plays becomes annoying. I can't exactly figure out whether its the emotionless monotone, the blank stare, or the stroke victim-slow speech pattern that makes Costner so annoying. Or maybe all of the above. Or the fact that his stupid Dances With Wolves beat GoodFellas for the Best Picture Oscar. Which was kind of like picking Susan Boyle over Kate Upton for Homecoming Queen. Costner can succeed only when he plays characters where he only has to be himself, which apparently means he's a shallow, boring, self-obsessed, flatlining jerk. Tin Cup, anyone? Yet, despite all this, he goes through life with this incredibly entitled persona. For nearly 15 years, major Hollywood studios kept throwing millions of dollars at him to make one crappy movie after another: The Postman, Waterworld, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Costner makes Sylvester Stallone seem like Laurence Olivier.  Will Ferrell once said when he imitated George W. Bush, he strove for "arrogant ignorance." That's Kevin Costner too.

1.  Jar Jar Binks (Phantom Menace). You know, in some sense, its not really fair for everyone to keep harping on this character. Obviously Lucas and his merchandizing consultants intended Jar Jar Binks to make millions off Star Wars' collectors and on product tie-ins. So what do you expect when you put focus groups in charge of creating movie characters? But its one thing to design a horse and come up with a camel. Its another thing to write a Star Wars movie and put the Republic's version of Gilbert Gottfried on screen for half the movie. I mean, what the hell was that supposed to be? Some kind of psychological warfare experiment? How did none of the other characters manage to strangle him within the first 30 minutes? For a character to stand out as so wretchedly bad in that quagmire of a movie really accomplishes something. We all lost about a year off our life span watching that mess. Fortunately, Darth Vader knew how to deal with that nonsense.

 

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Willie Scott (Temple of Doom), All the Ewoks, Carrie Bradshaw, Troy Deier (that total slacker douche played by Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites), Everyone in St. Elmo's Fire, Judd Nelson (The Breakfast Club), and the kid in Jerry Maguire ("DID YOU KNOW THE HUMAN HEAD WEIGHS 8 POUNDS!!!!)

NEXT-Top 5 Pickup Lines. "Are you gonna kiss me or do I have to lie about that?"

What True Love Is

Inez, second from left, in 1976

Breaking out of the Top 5 series because today I saw what "true love" really is.

My aunt Inez (my mother's older sister) had breast cancer several years ago, which spread and caused her to suffer through intense radiation treatments. Then she had an aortic valve replaced, and the surgery aggravated the cancer site. Her condition has turned for the worse these last few months. She has been in and out of, and mostly in, an intensive nursing facility. By the way, this seemed like a very professional, caring, and competent institution.

Today I met my uncle (her husband) Jimmy out there and visited Inez. I hadn't seen her since my uncle Billy's funeral some time last year. At that time she was alert, mobile with a walker, and able to communicate like normal.

Today, and I say this from a place of respect, she was unrecognizable, and looked as bad as any human being I've ever seen. She has shriveled to practically nothing, her face looked like skin and bones, she can't focus her eyes, her hair has mostly fallen out, she couldn't speak above a whisper, barely moved, couldn't respond, and was covered with sores. She was obviously in extreme pain, couldn't eat or swallow.

Mind you, this woman throughout my whole life has been very beautiful, vivacious, loving, and universally admired and loved. She's the only other person who had the exact same voice and smile as my mother. Her daughter, Debbie, my cousin, was extremely close to my mother and to all of us, and it was my mom who took care of all the arrangements and took care of Jimmy and Inez when Debbie died  in a car accident before she reached 40. Every time I saw Jimmy thereafter, he told me to be good to my mother because she was so special.

What struck me was that Jimmy was there the whole time and had been there by her side the whole time. And he wasn't going anywhere either.  In conversation before I went in the room, he thoroughly recounted everything she was going through, and was very descriptive about her condition and treatment options. As we walked the halls, everyone in the place said hi to him and obviously knew him, which is possible only if you've spent a lot of time there. As I visited Inez, he paid close attention to her and spoke softly to her and would gently touch her hand or her forehead.

Now, Jimmy had been a college football coach his entire life at major programs like Oklahoma, Kansas, Florida, Oklahoma State, Kansas State and Houston. So Jim was not exactly someone you'd call a "touchy feely" guy. He became a coach after having been an early football star first for the Galena Park Yellow Jackets (where he and Inez met) and then the University of Houston Cougars. As with most in the coaching profession, he was away from home a great deal and moved often when coaching staffs would turn over or a better opportunity came along. Inez had to raise her three kids, and be ready to quickly pack up, sell her house, buy a new one, and move the whole family, usually without a lot of help from Jim.

There he was though, after more than 50 years of marriage, right by her side, caring for her in her darkest hour, so she wasn't alone. Talking about "my wife" and being stronger than he really is at his age, so he could take care of her.

That's what true love is. Its not trips to cool places together or buying presents or big houses or going to the best restaurants or making friends with the right people or throwing cool parties together. Its sitting by your wife's side for weeks on end, after more than 50 years. Its remaining by her side when she may not even know you're there, and can't respond to you, and isn't a whisper of her self, and it never even occurs to you to do something else. Its staying there even when you know she's suffering in pain that you won't be able to resolve, but getting whatever kind of care for her that you can to ease that pain.

When I left he thanked me for coming and assured me that Inez knew who I was (which probably wasn't true).

Jimmy then returned to Inez's room to try to feed her the lunch the nurse had brought.