Top 5: Board Games

Do not pass "Go." Do not collect $200

Ok, this was supposed to be Top 5: Pickup Lines. But then it dawned on me that since taking this little thing private (except for the NSA, hey guys, call me...), the readership now largely consists of women and married men, a post about the best pickup lines probably won't educate and inform. You know, like I always do. Besides, I'd have just said something about how pickup lines don't really work because what a woman thinks of you mostly doesn't have anything to do with what you say. Its more about how you say it. You're usually better off saying something like "Hi, I'm Chris." Assuming your name is Chris, that is. BTW, best pickup line I've ever heard (spoken to two women who appeared to be a mother and daughter), "Did you two just get back from Glamour Shots?" Obviously, by Top 5 pickup lines, I meant Top 5 worst pickup lines.

Instead, let's talk about yet another wonderful thing that computers and electronics are killing off: board games.

Most of you grew up playing board games, and maybe played them with your kids. Or, I don't know, whenever the couples from up the street would come over for dinner. Hey, at least its not Pictionary. We played them frequently when I was a kid. Clue, Life, Risk, Operation, Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land. "Candy Land." What was that? How many '70s freaks bought that thinking it was something else?

Or Twister. Which really wasn't a board game but on the surface seemed like one, kind of. All those '60s weirdoes played Twister as some sort of faux group sex aesthetic. I suppose if you're going to bestow your swinger's pad with shag carpet, a hanging lamp, and your Herb Alpert albums, Twister does seem like the inevitable post-fondue icebreaker, right before you see if anyone wants to "smoke some grass." Inviting people over to play Twister is like one step before hosting your own key party. Make sure to have plenty of hand sanitizer...on hand. "Right foot blue!" But, what if you're color blind?

Board games were great because you had to interact with the other players, generally leading to light, enjoyable conversation. The good ones also required you to think about the game strategy so that you would make the right decisions. This spared you having to talk about Reagan's chances to win the nomination, or whether you liked the latest Woody Allen movie. You could take breaks and down time to consider your next moves, and change teams so that everyone could play on everyone else's side. The games themselves might involve something bad like going to jail or someone being murdered, but its all hypothetical and certainly not depicted. I'm not a "gamer," but modern computer games or game systems seem devoid of all these aspects. You're playing yourself, or if you're on a team you're not particularly interacting with anyone else. You don't make decisions so much as react to the screen action. The only decision is "shoot" or "don't shoot," or "speed up" or "slow down." You're not thinking creatively. And then there's all the Grand Theft Auto family of games with graphic violence and so forth. Charming. It could be worse, of course. It could be FarmVille.

Plus, board games can easily become drinking games. If you're into that sort of thing.

A good board game involves deliberation, thought, and strategy. It must be winnable within a reasonable amount of time. It should be competitive, but not overly so. Above all it should be fun for all the players. And it should allow for more than two players so it can become a group activity. That's why chess, checkers, and backgammon don't make my cut.

Here's my Top 5.

5.Clue. How many board games became a movie? True, it was a bad movie, but still. Any movie with Tim Curry and Madeline Kahn can't be utterly without merit. Clue involves sleuthing. Solve the murder. It reeks of Agatha Christie, which is a good thing. You work with the clues that come out on each player's turn, and deduce the murderer, the weapon, and the location within the home where the crime occurred. True, its not as exotic as CSI: Miami, but

4. Scrabble. Everyone's played Scrabble, right? Stop reading my blog if you haven't. It rewards the intelligent and the well-read, as opposed to any idiot who can plop down enough money to buy a video game. Plus, different outcomes are possible in every game and over the years, as the English language continues to evolve. "Sexting" anyone?

3. Risk. You know that annoying and preachy movie from the early '80s called War Games? That was about some scientist type who spent his military grant developing a computer that could play games, and then realized he had to demonstrate some actual application for it so he hooked it up to the mainframe at NORAD.  The predictable "on the brink of nuclear holocaust" hilarity and preachiness ensued, with Ferris Bueller eventually saving the world. Totally believable, right? Anyway, Risk is kind of like global thermonuclear war. Sort of. Except it involves building up armies throughout the world, taking over countries, being invaded. You have to decide when to strike against your neighbors or instead when to bide your time (basically you have to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em). You must carefully devise your world domination strategy carefully, and manage the inevitable tactical and strategic setbacks. And, with more capable players, manage your diplomatic efforts in parallel with your military decisions. Because what's not to like about a game teaching adolescents the skills needed to conquer the world?

2. Trivial Pursuit. A different kind of board game. Its not far removed from a 1950s game show, actually. Six categories of questions, and you have to answer trivia questions to win. Rewarding not just the intelligent but also those with good memory and with broad knowledge. As the game grew in popularity throughout the '80s, different editions came out focusing more specifically on certain categories. Like a sports Trivial Pursuit or a Hollywood Trivial Pursuit. Lots of fun to have around when you've run out of things to say.

1. Monopoly. Far and away the best board game. Its THE board game. What's more American than a game that teaches cut-throat, ruthless, unforgiving capitalism? The accumulation and enjoyment of wealth? And the cold hard reality of business failure? To succeed, one must manage one's money and assets properly, protect one's cash flow, form business partnerships and know when to dissolve them. And pick the coolest token (I prefer the top hat, of course, or the thimble if the hat's not available. I don't think they had the battleship when I was a kid.). The game could go on and on, eventually offering the sweet sweet rush of bankrupting one's opponents. "Oooh, you landed on Boardwalk, where I have a hotel, the rent is $2,000...you don't have it? Oooh, I'm sorry..." Monopoly is clearly the best board game.

NEXT--Top 5 Bad Women's Hairstyles. Mary Stuart Masterson in Some Kind of Wonderful is getting very nervous.